Dating

Dating Disappointment: the Fallout of Connection

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To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.

That recently happened to me.

We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.

The Draw

My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.

He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.

The Drawback

But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.

The Veiled Truth

Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.

Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.

Our Digital Nature

Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.

As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…

The Denouement

I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.

As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.

Dealing with the Disappointment

While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.

Beware Hope

It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.

Honor Your Feelings

For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.

It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.

Walk it Out

Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows that physical exercise has mental health benefits.

These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.

As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.

Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.

Write it Out

Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.

Research shows that writing about personal struggles also has a positive impact on mental health. No worries if you don’t have a blog–try journaling, start a Word document, or carry a little notebook around with you. That Word document could even be thoughts to share with your therapist–I do that.

If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.

Talk it Out

On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.

Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice (unless asked for). Those are the true friends.

Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.

Clean

Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.

Cleaning is an active task, inviting energy rather than inertia. Someone once told me that activity is the opposite of depression. That isn’t precisely true, but it holds some truth. Depression and inactivity have a strong correlation, and as I mentioned above, even small amounts of physical activity have proven mental health benefits.

Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.

Indulge in Things You Enjoy

While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).

Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.

Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.

Move Forward as You’re Ready

The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.

Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.

Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.

Final Thoughts

While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Take care of yourself, and good luck out there!

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Q & A: Sexual Desire

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A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:

I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.

To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.

Heterofatalism

It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.

We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.

Change in Sexual Desire

Libido is something that can change over time for both men and women. Age, shifting body image, and the longevity of the relationship can all be factors in a shift in sexual desire.

Age

There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.

Body Changes

For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.

Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.

Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.

Libido Changes

Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”

While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.

And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.

Self-Concept Changes

My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.

I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.

We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response. Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?

Long Term Relationship Shifts

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)

Your Sexual Desire

There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.

In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities. Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?

Your Romantic Partner

When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?

If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.

Final Thoughts

If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!

However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.

Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

If you have any comments or questions of your own please leave a note in the comments below or on my contact page.

Good luck out there!

On Heterofatalism (and other Trending Topics)

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Anymore, there are constantly trending dating topics. Some current ones are the alpine divorce, ghostlighting, the loneliness of young men , etc. We’re at the mercy of the Social Media age with its hashtags, echo chambers, and the irony of its social isolation whilst we’re simultaneously over-connected. Social Media quickly recognizes and communicates these trends, but it also exacerbates the underlying social phenomenon being recognized and named. Perhaps Social Media is even responsible for the creation of some phenomena. The phenomenon Heterofatalism particularly intrigues me, because I live in its neighborhood.

Heterofatalism Defined…Kind of

Sexuality scholar Asa Seresin coined both the terms Heteropessism and Heterofatalism, the latter being an evolution of the former. I’ve seen varying definitions of the two.

Urban Dictionary defines Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism interchangeably as, “Also called heteropessimism, heterofatalism is an attitude of embarrassment or negativity towards one’s heterosexuality. Heterofatalism consists of a performative disaffiliation with heterosexuality and a desire to have a different sexual orientation.”

I’ve also seen articles which discuss nuances between the terms. In her Forbes article, The Emotional Cost of Dating Men and How Women are Rewriting the Rules Ximena Araya-Fischel distinguishes the two terms:

“Heteropessimism refers to the ironic detachment and performative complaint about men while still participating in heterosexual dating. Its emotional tone is often askew and cynical…,“

…and “Heterofatalism, on the other hand, carries a more profound resignation: the belief that dating men may be unsatisfying, but there’s no better alternative. Its tone is more defeated and ambivalent, emerging from emotional labor burnout and accumulated relational hopelessness…”

Araya-Fischel further declares, “Unlike Heteropessimism, which performs emotional detachment for irony or cool-girl effect, Heterofatalism carries a heavier emotional resignation.”

The Problem with Narrow Definitions

I’m an English major and logophile, a lover of words and language. Language evolves over time, with certain words falling away and others being added to the lexicon. The problem I’m having with the terms Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism is that the definitions I’ve come across are both inconsistent and narrow. Whatever you want to call it or whichever definition(s) you land on, both Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism are concepts that are trying to put words to an observed social reality. The more narrowly you define that reality, the more people you leave out, even if they live in the neighborhood.

Me

I have no desire to be other than I am, a heterosexual woman. But, I do see myself living in the neighborhood of Heterofatalism. My feelings and experience are part of the social reality that is being recognized, whether or not I fit the narrowness of the definition.

My generation of women was raised with the promise of Disney princesses who always got their prince and a happily ever after ending. That’s a pretty unrealistic expectation to set us up for. Meanwhile, though the women’s movement was underway during my youth, there are still men of my generation who have a sense of male entitlement, often with no self-awareness of such.

My personal frustration as a 55 year old heterosexual woman comes from years of working to be my best self and from putting time and energy into understanding the milieu of dating, relationships, and men, yet still being single. And I’m still single, because I won’t settle for less than I want and deserve. I’m lonely, but I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in relationship, because the latter comes with a suffocating stuckness. I know, because I’ve been there.

Why haven’t I found the right man? I’ve found many men who weren’t really compatible or to my type. There are the men who were condescending or mansplained or angry or assholes. There were men who hadn’t done the work they needed to do on themselves. Plenty of men failed to treat me right. Some men didn’t prioritize me, and I moved on. And there’ve also been some perfectly lovely men who I simply didn’t feel the right chemistry with. The right man? I’ve found some right men, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes that happens. And that frustrates, disappoints, and pains me. That’s my personal story, but we all have a story.

While I can get frustrated, disappointed, sad, and admittedly, on my bad days, even bitter and resentful about my single status, I’m also empowered enough that I don’t need to settle. That’s the empowerment of my generation of women–we have our own careers and autonomy; we don’t need to tether ourselves to a man for financial security. While single is not my ideal, I have the resources to remain single if I don’t have a more attractive option. Historically, that hasn’t always been the case for women. I’m grateful for that autonomy, because I’d rather be single than settle.

Beyond Me

That is my story, but there are plenty of other stories in the Heterofatalism neighborhood. Heterofatalism is a recognition of a social truth that is much broader than the narrow definition allows for.

Other Women in the Neighborhood

Some women in the neighborhood have given up on dating and happily so. It just isn’t worth it to them anymore, and they’d rather prioritize living their life on their terms. Some of them prefer being single.

Other women, like my friend Kate, would like to be in a right relationship, but aren’t willing to put the energy into dating at this time. She’d rather put that energy into other things.

And certainly, there are other women who feel the pessimissm of dating as a heterosexual woman, yet are willing to settle to be in a romantic relationship, ultimately placing the value in companionship itself over right companion.

Men in the Neighborhood

And, let’s be fair. Women don’t have a monopoly on being frustrated and pessimistic about their dating experience. There are plenty of heterosexual men who live in the neighborhood too, with their own legitimate frustrations about dating and dating women.

We’re in this Together

Dating is not an us vs. them, nor a who-has-it-worse competition. We shouldn’t be going into dating on the defense. We should go into it with the vision of finding someone to be our teammate, rather than viewing our dating pool as our opponents.

The big picture is, that whatever our experience or outlook is, we’re in this together. We all have a range of experiences and responses to our experience. No one group holds a monopoly on loneliness, frustration, grief, or, for that matter, success. We are better off if we choose to see each other as individuals and honor each other’s experience with empathy.

Social Media and the current climate of polarizing politics can lead us to tunnel vision and echo chambers, reinforcing our negative emotions and experiences. Within this context, it’s easy to feel cynical. I suffer from SAD, which for me dials up the volume during the winter on any negative emotions I’m already feeling. That makes it easy for me to lean into bitterness and pessimism. But negative emotions can handicap us. I know that I’ve let negative mood prematurely derail a potentially good connection. While negative emotions may be legitimate, they don’t lend themselves to fostering positive connection. And personally, negative is neither who I want to be, nor how I want to feel.

It’s in our best interest to Zoom Out and see the bigger picture, to look past the labels and Social Media trending topics to recognize each other as individuals with histories. If we can manage to unpack our own baggage in tandem with honoring, rather than scrutinizing, each other’s journeys, we can get to empathy, something which, to our own detriment, we’ve culturally drifted away from.

Empathy fosters connection rather than divisiveness. Empathy allows us to overcome and rise above the outright cruelty of some of the dating trends. An alpine divorce? If you don’t like someone, just break it off, don’t put them at physical risk. Ghostlighting? Make up your mind. If you’re not interested, move on. But don’t fuck with people. How did we get here? What have we become? Empathy is how we rise above and overcome the petttiness, indifference, and cruelty of our larger social context. Empathy is how we become better humans, how we are humane, and how we ready ourselves for connection.

Final Thoughts

Dating is hard, and it comes with plenty of emotional ups and downs. While online dating platforms have given us the opportunity to connect with people we may not have encountered otherwise, they come with frustrations too. As our lives have gravitated more online, it’s both easier to connect with many people, yet we’ve ironically become more socially isolated and lonely. Social Media exacerbates much of that experience. It’s bad enough that some people are even seeking companionship from AI.

To rise above and be better than the social trends which are culturally dragging us down, pay attention to individuals and see people through an empathy lens. Honor your justified negative feelings, but don’t marinate in their brine nor lead with them in your interactions. Look for the good in people, in yourself, and in your life.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

May you find the good and good connection. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Zoom Out

Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles

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Fake profiles and bots are not a new thing, but if you’ve spent any time on a dating app recently, you’ve probably noticed that fake profiles are on the rise. Last autumn, I noticed a seemingly exponential increase of fake profiles in tandem with the push of AI into the mainstream. AI has made fake profiles that much easier to generate for those with malintent. Let’s look at how to spot a fake profile, so you can both protect yourself and not waste your time on phonies.

Signs of a Fake Profile

There are a lot of different signs that a profile might be fake. Pay attention to the signs. The more signage there is, the more likely the profile is fake.

Photos

Certain things about a profile’s photos can clue you in that it might be a fake profile.

Few Photos

If a profile only has three or four photos (or worse, less!) then that’s a sign that it might be a fake profile. Fake profiles are usually thrown together quickly. The less there is in the profile, the more likely it is to be fake.

Exceptionally Attractive Photos

If the profile photos are all exceptionally attractive (think 8-10 on a 10 point scale) that’s a blinking neon sign, especially in conjuction with only having 3-4 photos. There just aren’t that many people that look that great all the time.

This is especially true the older the age bracket is that you’re working with. Some people don’t age well and other people simply don’t take care of themselves as they age. I’m 55, and there are fewer physically attractive options in my dating range than there were a decade ago. Despite that, I noticed several months ago that there were suddenly a plethora of good looking men in their fifties on Match, almost overnight. Where had they been hiding? They hadn’t been created yet.

That AI Aura

Do you know what I mean by an “AI aura”? That clean soft atmospheric quality to photos? Fake, fake, fakity fake. This aura is due in part to the low resolution of AI photos. Here’s an example of an original/real photo and one generated with AI:

photo of smiling woman with messy background contrasted with a flawless ai version

Note the simplified background in the AI photo; how flawless she looks (hair, makeup, wardrobe, expression, smooth skin, perfect eyebrows, etc.); the simplicity of the wardrobe; and the overall softness of the photo.

This, in contrast to the original photo with a complicated background; her leaning at an angle; a little shine on her face; her mouth not quite open nor closed. This is the imperfection of real life.

AI photos can be generated across time and place, with and without other people in them. Real profiles can have AI photos, but an AI photo should give you good cause to be skeptical. Why aren’t they showing you who they really are?

If you’re interested in learning about how to discern AI photos from real photos, take this quiz.

The Summary

The profile summary can also give different tip-offs that it might be a fake profile.

There is No Summary

Fake profiles usually demonstrate very low effort, such as few photos and no Profile Summary at all.

There is a Very Limited Summary

A very limited Profile Summary, such as a paragraph, is still pretty low effort. Low effort is a sign of either a lazy human or a fake profile. Are you interested in either?

Generic or Bland Content

If the Profile Summary says something without really saying anything, that’s another potential sign of a fake profile. A fake profile doesn’t want to alienate anyone, so its content will be rather vanilla. Nothing offensive, but nothing enticing either. You won’t really be able to get a sense of who they are, because they aren’t real.

Fake Profile Summaries usually read like they could have been written by anyone. They like beaches? Who doesn’t? They’re a foodie? As if liking food is a novel thing! Ask yourself, does the profile say anything that is truly novel or differentiates it from other profiles? If not, maintain some skepticism.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

I’ve read a Profile Summary that read as gibberish (Match). It didn’t make sense at all, and it was written in a way that people just don’t talk. If a Profile Summary has a nonsensical vibe to it, then it’s probably inauthentic.

Prompts and Information

When looking at a profile, check the Prompts and Information carefully to see if there are any contradictions. Contradictions in a profile are a sign of a hastily put together fake profile.

Some examples that I’ve seen:

  • A man who’s job was a Doctor of Philosophy but whose education was a bachelor’s degree. A Doctor of Philosophy should have a doctorate, that’s what a PhD is. (Elite Singles)
  • A man who replied to a prompt that he was not eco-conscious at all. Yet the reponse to another prompt said enthusiastically that he’d love to go on an eco-conscious date! (OK Cupid)

Also, if the Prompt responses and Information are non-specific and bland, it could be someone unoriginal or it could be a fake profile trying to be inoffensive. For instance, while there are some Apolitical people out there, these days, that’s a rare stance. It could be a phony who doesn’t want to put anyone off with a political stance.

Messaging

If you get to the point where you’re messaging with someone but they don’t offer much about themselves–they’re vague or generally neutral without a decided opinion on much of anything–then they’re either a poor conversationalist, or they’re trying not to be offensive because they’re phony and trying to draw you in.

Another sign that a profile might be fake is if their first focus is on what you want from relationship, before even getting to know you and discerning compatibility.

Also pay attention to whether they’re reflecting back to you what they think you want to hear or whether they’re offering their perspective regardless of knowing what your preference is.

Redundant Profiles

With a 1500 mile dating radius, this one might be easier to spot for me than those of you dating locally, but I’ve noticed a trend of redundant profiles that signal fake profiles. What I mean by this is that the malintents behind the fake profiles work to generate a large quantity of fake profiles quickly, and that’s easier to do if the profiles share a lot of commonalities, much like an assembly line.

The profiles may be similar in stats–I’ve seen a plethora of profiles with 5’11”, 55 years of age, widowed, graduate degree, seeking serious relationship, and 3-4 photos. Many of them even had the same name, Dominid (Match).

Sometimes I’ll notice a trending name–Dominid was a thing, but I’ve seen surges of Davids, Tims, etc. at different times as well. Last week the nom du semaine was Tony (Match).

Once, I even saw two fairly fleshed out Profile Summaries that were identical–they had different photos, but the exact same content copied and pasted (Match).

If You’re Not Sure

All of the above examples are signs that a profile might be fake. The more signage the profile offers to that effect, the more likely it is that it’s a fake profile, but there are some potential exceptions to why a real profile might present like a potentially fake one, particularly if the information/summary is scarce and the photos are few.

Laziness

It’s possible that someone who doesn’t offer a lot of information or photos is simply too lazy to put much effort into their profile. But if they don’t offer much, how much energy are you willing to put into finding out whether or not they’re real and, if so, who they are?

New

Someone who’s new to online dating or a dating platform may have a profile-in-progress where they haven’t fully fleshed it out yet. That could give off a lot of the same signs as a fake profile. So, if you’re intrigued, but there’s not much there, then you have to put in the energy to discern whether they are real and, if so, to draw them out and discover who they are.

Unremarkable

And then there are people who simply don’t have much to say. They might be real, but they don’t offer much. How much interest do you have in finding out if such a profile might be real or if it’s fake?

Your Profile

Keeping in mind the potential signs of a fake profile, consider your own profile–be careful not to give off fake profile vibes.

Photos

Have several photos across place and time. Anymore, a minimum of eight photos is sufficient to demonstrate that you’ve put some effort into representing who you are and what you authentically look like.

Ensure that you’re sharing what you authentically look like–no AI, no filters, no blurry hard-to-distinguish photos, no oudated photos. Show potential matches who you really are now, the person who will show up on the date. If you show who you really are, potential matches won’t be disappointed when you show up, because you didn’t misrepresent yourself. In this era of fake profiles and the artifice of intelligence, being REAL is a strength.

Profile Summary, Prompts, and Information

One of the signs of a fake profile is that there is no or little information given. Don’t let that be you. Do your best to adequately and accurately represent who you authentically are in your profile.

Final Thoughts

It makes me sad to say, but these days, to be safe, it’s best to lead with some skepticism when looking at dating profiles, particularly if a profile presents some of the signs aforementioned. If you’re intrigued despite some questionable signage, be sure to do due diligence to protect yourself. Ask questions, try to learn them, do a Google search to ensure they’re who they represent themselves to be. Open yourself up cautiously. And remember that the more signage there is, the more likely it’s a fake profile.

Have you noticed any signs of fake profiles that I didn’t mention? If so, please let me know in the comments below.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Be cautious, and good luck out there!

Up Next: On Heterofatalism (and other trending topics)

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Looking at Dating Profiles: Discerning Authenticity

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People reveal a lot about themselves in their dating profiles, and the more information they provide, the easier it is to get a sense of the kind of person they are. Profile Summaries are particularly helpful in this way. I’ve previously explored some general look-fors and what you can learn about someone from their communication style. Here, we’ll look at how you can discern someone’s authenticity (or lack of) from their Profile Summary.

If someone doesn’t have a Profile Summary at all, then be cautious. They may be too lazy to be bothered with one, their Profile may still be under construction, or it may be a fake profile. Watch out for the latter.

When reading a Profile Summary, be on the lookout for whether the person comes off as authentic, or conversely, if they come off as shallow, insincere, or phony (Here I don’t mean as a fake profile but as a personality flaw.). There are ways to discern authenticity, or a lack thereof, even in a Profile Summary.

Truths

A personal truth is something about a person where they’re inflexible and must be accepted by a potential match as they are. Truths can be a matter of personal preference (e.g., veganism, religion, sexual proclivity), a physical reality (e.g., disease, disability), or a situational reality (e.g., a custodial arrangement).

If a person is forthcoming about personal truths, it’s a sign of authenticity. They’re either strong in their truth, willing to be frank and straightforward, or courageous enough to be vulnerable. Their truth may be a turn-off or dealbreaker for you, but their honesty is commendable regardless.

Passions

Passions are those things which we find personally compelling, which make our lives more fulfilling, and which we couldn’t live without. Reading, sports, travel, and art are all examples of things that someone might be passionate about.

In my high school Humanities course, Dr. Cognard gave us an assignment to do a presentation on something we were passionate about, with the goal of evoking that feeling of passion in the rest of the class–in essence, to make our audience feel our passion. All those years ago, I did my presentation on Love itself. And here I am, still presenting on that topic.

I came across Timo’s profile several months ago. Timo lives off the grid on an acreage. Reading his profile, his enthusiasm and passion for nature was palpable. He would’ve nailed the Humanities assignment.

If someone communicates their passion in a compelling way, there’s sincerity in that. The source of their passion may not inspire you in the same way, but it’s a sign of authenticity.

Beware of the Peacock

Ideally, a Profile Summary gives you a sense of who someone is and what/who they’re looking for in a relationship. But sometimes, a profile reads as a sales pitch on how desirable they are to date. Perhaps they do have some great things going on, but if they don’t have quality of character to match their desirable qualities, no bueno.

Sometimes the bluster can be obvious, but sometimes it can be subtle, especially if there are aspects of the profile that you find desirable, such as the person’s lifestyle, accomplishments, or attractiveness. Read the tone of the profile to discern whether they come off as friendly and conversational or if they’re peacocking who they are in a showy way. There’s a shallowness in showiness, and a resulting lack of authenticity.

Depths vs. Shallows

Speaking of shallowness, if you’re looking for authentic connection, look beyond the shallow, the surface, and the small talk, to find someone with depth who sparks your interest. Depth of character is a sign of authenticity and can present itself in different ways.

Does a profile read like a gazillion other profiles, or is there something about it that stands out, that speaks to you? If you find a Profile Summary (versus pictures or biographical information) that touches you or compels you in some way, it can be an indication of authenticity.

If someone’s Profile Summary rises above the shallows of small talk, stands out, and engages you, ask yourself what it is about the summary that speaks to you. Do they strike you as reflective? Intellectual? Insightful? Do they have personality? A unique perspective? A good sense of humor? Do they have depths that you can dive into? If so, it might be time to go for a swim.

Disingenuousness

I’m not really sure what the motive is for people to be flagrantly disingenuous in their profile, but every once in a while I run across a profile where someone is openly disingenuous rather than straightforward about who they are.

Some examples…

Example 1: Pediatric ER doc with a God complex, narcissist, insecure, dishonest and emotionally unavailable, acquiring material possessions to compensate for a spiritual void. When asked to describe me friends say, “Seriously? I really don’t know you that well. Can’t you ask somebody else?”🤣😂

Example 2: Do you like yard work, cleaning house, cooking? Are you financially stable? Are you able to provide me with all the comforts I deserve? Can you drive a tractor? If so then maybe I just may allow you the honor of chatting with me. Ok I’m kidding LOL 

Example 3: Well, hmmm… I hate travel, hate laughing, …. just kidding. I like those things of course. 

Example 4: Extremely over weight (sic), bald, lazy, jobless, no sense of humor, mom has never liked me, i do posses (sic) a 4th grade reading level my most outstanding feature is that i am a complete train wreck in the bedroom.   Any takers? 

I really don’t understand the motivation for this approach. Do they think they’re being funny? Do they think it’s an effective way to appeal to potential matches? Or are they simply not thinking through their strategy at all? Regardless, they’re not coming from a place of authenticity, and they don’t deserve serious consideration.

Photos

In discerning authenticity in a profile, it would be remiss of me to not mention profile photographs. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of profiles with misleading photographs–filters, old photos, or an age/physical appearance mismatch.

The good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to discern when someone is being misleading with their photos, you just need to be on the lookout for such deception.

Things to keep in mind:

  • Do they have several photos (more than just 3 or 4) so that you can get a consistent idea of what they look like across place and time? If not, you have a right to wonder.
  • Does the photograph look filtered or altered in some way? If so, why?
  • Is it not actually a true photograph? Again, if so, why?
  • Do the photos look old? This can be discerned by whether the photo seems aged or the context (e.g., what people are wearing, hairstyles, the setting) of the photo.
  • Does their stated age seem to match the photos they’re sharing? For instance, if they say they’re 56 but they have a wattle-gobble throat, their age might be off by a decade or more.

It’s unfortunate that people are deceptive and misleading in their profile and photos, but if you look at profiles and photos with this in mind, you can frequently discern when someone’s authentic and when they’re being disingenuous.

Final Thoughts

Finding that right person and romantic connection is a challenge. And while there are dating profiles aplenty out there, discerning if the person behind the profile might be a good match requires using the information offered in the profile purposefully.

One look-for in a Profile Summary is whether a person reads as authentic. There’s plenty of people who are insincere, play games, put up a false-front, or have an agenda. That makes finding a person who’s authentic that much more precious. May you find an authentic connection who’s right for you.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Blue Holidays–When You Feel More OY than Joy

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

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Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

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Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

Manage Your Expectations: In the Beginning…

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That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

Up Next: Any Day Can Be the Day

Looking at Dating Profiles: Photographs

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In the past, I’ve given guidance on how to choose and take photos for your dating profile, as well as tips for crating your dating profile summary, all to the end of helping you represent yourself both authentically and effectively on platform. That work goes to projecting yourself, now let’s turn toward the receptive side–how to look at dating profiles strategically.

By being savvy about how we look at profiles, we can save ourselves time and date smarter. We can easily weed out questionable and unsuitable profiles; be aware when it might be worth getting more information; and when a person’s profile is compelling enough to actively pursue the person behind it.

Think of the force of a magnet, pulling an object toward it. This force of attraction is rightly applied to the chemistry between two people, that sense of being pulled toward each other. And while physical attraction is rarely enough to sustain a connection on its own, it’s often the starting point. All the more so in the case in the context of a dating platform, where we’re faced with a limited dimensionality of the person behind the profile–the first thing to grab our attention is generally someone’s photo. So, let’s begin here…

There Should be Photos

Well, if there aren’t photos, that’s problematic. One has to wonder–What are they hiding? A lot of attraction begins from a place of physical attraction, and if they aren’t letting you see what they look like, there’s probably a reason. When discerning potential romantic connections, you deserve information to help you determine if they’re potentially a good fit, including if you find them physically attractive. If they aren’t even providing you this basic information, then best to move on.

The Photos Should be Current

Profile photos should be fairly current, within the last couple of years for the most part, unless they have a special throwback photo (e.g., standing on the Olympic podium with their medal). You aren’t able to date them as they were ten years ago, so they should accurately represent themselves for how they look now. And if they aren’t accurately representing how they look now, then why? Are they being lazy? Deceptive? Neither reason is acceptable..

There are ways to discern if photos are current or not, though often it’s fairly obvious. Sometimes a photo has the tint of age as an indicator. The clothes, hairstyle(s), or context of the photo can also be a clue. Another thing to consider is whether they look their stated age in the photos. If not, it could signify that their photos aren’t current.

The Photos Should Be Clear and Correctly Oriented

The purpose of providing photographs is so that potential matches can get an idea of what a person looks like and whether they find the person physically attractive. To that end, the photographs provided should make it easy to discern what the person looks like–not blurry, not out of range (Unless it’s giving you other information, like they’re an international traveler and they’ve been to Mount Fiji.), not out of frame, not you-have-to-tilt-your-head to see it properly.

If the photographs don’t allow you to easily discern what the person looks like, then why are they there? And why can’t they bother to figure out how to orient a photo correctly?

On “Obligatory” Photographs

To my mind, the only truly obligatory photographs are a close-up and a full body shot. The purpose of these is to give you a clear idea of what the person looks like. The fish, gym, car, and bathroom selfies, are not only unnecessary, but for me something of a turn-off as they’re a sign of unoriginal thinking. The cliché nature of the so-called “obligatory” photograph may be a non-issue for you, but it’s worth noting.

There Should be a Variety of Photos

A variety of photos helps you get a better sense of what a person really looks like, as well as the kind of person they are. A well-developed profile usually has at least five. I currently have twenty photos on my profile.

Close-ups and Full Body Shots

The profile should have both close-ups and full body shots so that you can get a good idea of what they really look like (the close-up) and what their body type is (the full body shot). There should be multiples of each type of photos so that you can get a clear idea of what they look like.

Across Place and Time

Ideally, the photos provided have been taken across place and time rather than in one single setting. My friend EJ refers to the latter as looking like a JC Penny catalog photo shoot.

Photos taken across place and time will give you a better idea of what they look like consistently–across different settings and in different contexts. For instance, is there a photo of them dressed up? Dressed casually? In athletic gear?

By a variety of settings and contexts, you can also gather information about that kind of person they are. Pay attention to the context of the photos, the background, and any additional people in the photographs.

The Context

The context of photographs can give you information about the activities someone enjoys. You can use this information to help you determine if they are potentially compatible. Are they athletic? Attending a sporting event? At a gala? In an art museum? At the beach? In nature? Travelling abroad? RVing? A biker? In an office? In a school? At a bar? Fine dining? Fishing? On a boat? On a private jet? In the pilot seat?

Pay Attention to the Background

The background of a photograph can also give you insights into a person. For instance, if the picture is taken at their home–Is it cluttered? Neat? What is their taste in decor? Modern? Minimalist? Is it desperately in need of an update? Does it look like thousands of other suburban homes or does it have character? Do they have a good visual aesthetic? Do they have art? Most importantly, does their vibe work in your world?

The background of someone’s photographs show you how a person lives and the environments where they spend time. You can use this context to help discern whether their lifestyle might make sense in your world and vice versa.

The Other People in the Photos

The other people in photographs can give you clues about a person as well. You might be able to get a clue about the age of their children and how many they have, for instance. There’s a big difference between dating someone with a toddler and someone with teenagers. There’s also a big difference between dating someone with one child and four children.

Also consider how they’re behaving with their companions. Do they look like they are partying hard? Do they look relaxed? Do they appear uptight or awkward? I‘ve seen profile photos where a good looking woman had her arm around the guy. Why is he showing me a picture of him cozying up to another woman? Unless that’s his sister, forget it.

Sometimes people scribble out or slap smiley faces on their companions to protect their privacy. Personally, I find this tacky. If they feel the need to protect the privacy of their companions, then why use that picture at all? Though it’s not a hard “no,” it does affect my perception of them somewhat. It’s up to you to determine what your visual turn-ons and turn-offs are.

Can You Picture Yourself in Their Photos?

Consider the different contexts, settings, and people in the photographs you see. Can you visualize yourself in those contexts and settings, and with those people? Does the visual information the photographs provide potentially make sense within the contexts, settings, and people in your life?

For instance, I can neither visualize myself going to a sporting event with people so fanatical that they paint their faces, nor being with someone so athletically intense that they ice climb.

I can, however, visualize myself at a formal gala, hiking in a national park, at an art museum, drinking cocktails at a speakeasy, or travelling internationally. I am all for expanding my universe, but there are some settings, contexts, and people that make more sense in my life than others. If I can’t visualize myself in their photographs, I move on.

Looking at profile photos, discern as best as you can what contexts and settings potentially make sense in your life. There’s more to a profile and person than photographs, but use the information provided as a starting point to discern whether it’s worth gathering more information or if the person’s a mismatch right out of the gate.

Are They Effable?

Okay, English major wordplay here…what I really mean is f***able, but that’s effable, right?

When looking at profile photos, of course we’re discerning whether or not we find the person attractive, but I use a slightly higher measure than simply whether I find them generally attractive. The measure I use is whether or not I consider the man to be potentially f***able. Can I see myself being physically intimate with him? Can I imagine wanting him to touch me and wanting to touch him? Can I visualize a kiss?

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship for me. There are plenty of attractive guys who I can’t picture myself physically craving, and there are men who I find physically cravable. I want to be in relationship with one of the latter. If I don’t perceive the guy as potentially f***able, I pass them by. Why waste my time?

If physical intimacy is important for you too, consider looking at profile photos through this lens–Can you see yourself being physically intimate with this person? If not, perhaps you want to move on too.

Final Thoughts

Profile pictures are an initial tool to perceive whether you might be potentially interested in a person. Not only can they help you discern whether (or not) you find a person physically attractive, but they also provide a lot of corollary information as well. Use the clues and information the photographs provide to help you discern whether or not the person might make sense in your world.

May the force of attraction be with you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Manage Your Expectations–In the Beginning…