#dating

Zoom Out

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Dating is an emotional journey to navigate. We seek someone who arouses a strong emotional response in us, yet that same strong emotional respone simultaneously makes us emotionally vulnerable. To set ourselves up for the best experience we can manage (there is only so much within our control), we must be our best evolved selves. Zooming Out, or using our rational self to bring a more objective perspective to our emotional experience, can assist us both in being our best self and discerning the larger context of the situation.

The Purpose of Zooming Out

Zooming Out from an experience allows you to get perspective and see the bigger picture, even when you’re an actor in the scene. It allows you to try to see a situation with some objectivity, even when you have very subjective feelings about it. It helps balance emotional experience with rational insight by trying to see the larger context of the siutation, see other people’s point of view, and your own role in the scene. Zooming Out empowers you to engage with a situation more thoughtfully and choose your responses more intentionally, rather than leading solely from emotional reaction.

The benefits of Zooming Out extend beyond romantic scenarios. It’s a tool you can use in all types of relationships and situations. It can help you better understand relationships, people, motivations, situations, and contexts.

For Example…

Here are some examples of what Zooming Out, or failing to, looks like.

A Romantic Example

Things seem to be going well. There’s a nice back and forth. Then, there’s a drop in communication. They haven’t called/texted/responded. You feel insecure. You wonder–Why? It’s a fairly common experience if you’re dating and, sometimes, even in a relationship. I can’t even ballpark how many times this has happened to me or with how many different men.

And when it happens, if you’re feeling emotional or insecure, Zoom Out. Look at the broader context. How well do you know them? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. There might be things going on with them that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re busy with work, were in a car accident, came down with the flu, or a friend/family member is in town. Maybe they’ve lost interest, maybe they simply have other things going on, or maybe they’re an asshole that you’re better off without.

You don’t know what you don’t know, so be careful not to make what might be nothing into something. You need more information to understand the situation better. That information might be a reasonable explanation, it might be prolonged silence, or it might be a mismatch between your expectations and their capacity or willingness.

Beware of taking everything personally, It might not be about you at all, and if it is about you, then you either have some problem-solving to do, or they aren’t your right person. The right person wouldn’t do that to you.

If they’re incommunicado longer than you’re comfortable, then reach out. If you’re met with more silence, that’s information too. Alternatively, give yourself time to breathe and prioritize yourself to get through the uncomfortable spot.

A Non-Romantic Example

Recently, my sister and nephew were in town. When they’re here, I prioritize making time for them. But, one day during their visit I couldn’t do it.

That morning, I was very emotional and weepy. At work, I recognized that interactions and exchanges with others which I’d normally take in stride, were throwing me off-kilter. I was second-guessing myself in a way that I usually don’t and being oversensitive about minor things. I did my best to auto-pilot and get through my work day. Recognizing that I needed some time to myself to calm my emotions and I also wasn’t in a good emotional space to be around other people, I texted my family to cancel on them that evening.

And I had to ask myself–Why today? What is making me hyper-feel today? When I asked myself those questions, I connected my feelings to my bleeding. I hit the menopausal mark of a year without a period a couple months ago, yet a few days prior, I unexpectedly started bleeding. A surge of hormones made me hyper-emotional.

In this case, Zooming Out looked like me being able to step outside of myself enough to recognize that I was overly emotional. Once I recognized that, despite my intense emotions, I was able to be objective enough to ask myself Why, and reason out the answer. Finally, based on this understanding, I made an appropriate behavioral response–take some time to myself and away from people.

A Non-Example

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump was made. Our politics align, but R is British, and that’s the lens through which he saw the events, and ultimately me.

We’d been feeling out our chemistry and connection for a couple of days, but the assassination attempt made an abrupt shift in his behavior and treatment of me. Suddenly, I represented all the things that he despised about America–violence, loudness, polarizing politics. He stopped seeing me as an individual and lumped me in with stereotypes. He wasn’t able to Zoom Out and see me for who I am within a larger context of the situation, Rather, he oversimplified, opting to be intellectually lazy.

Ironically, he’s a birder, but he was unable to manage a bird’s eye view. Ha!

How to Zoom Out

Zooming Out effectively requires taking that bird’s eye view. Think about the zoom lens of a camera, allowing you to zoom in on details. In the context of a relationship situation this could be your emotion (e.g., feeling slighted); the details of conversation (e.g., “I’m not the one who does that, you are” or “I’m sorry”); body language (e.g., rolled eye vs. eye contact with nodding and active listening); or actions (e.g., a slammed door, an unreturned text, showing up when they say they will etc.).

Alternatively, Zooming Out is taking that bird’s eye view of seeing the larger context of the situation from further away. In this case, we are Zooming Out from our emotions and the details we’re fixated on, so we can broaden our understanding of the situation. We aren’t neglecting our emotions, but we’re stepping back from them rather than leading with them.

Here are some guidelines that I’ve found helpful in Zooming Out:

Wise Mind

Years ago, my therapist shared with me the framework of Wise Mind. As an empath, I have a deep well of emotions, but I also have an intellectual bent. Wise Mind has helped me integrate these two aspects of myself. In turn, that helps me better navigate my relationships and experience by bringing a more balanced and thoughtful approach to how I live and process my life.

A Venn diagram with a circle representing reasonable mind and the other circle representing emotional mind. Wise mind is where the two circles overlap.

Wise Mind is the intersection of the emotional and rational. It’s the space where we’re neither reigned by emotion nor driven by logic. It’s a place of balance where we simultaneously honor the emotion and navigate with reason. Try using the Wise Mind framework to take a broader view of your relationship(s) and situation(s).

Observe and Ask Questions

To Zoom Out effectively, put some distance between yourself and emotion. Backing away from the emotion can help you see it more clearly. Step outside of yourself so that you can look at yourself in your larger context. Name the emotion(s) you are feeling. Watch your behavior. Ask yourself Why questions: Why are you feeling this way? Why are you behaving that way? Be honest with yourself about whether your feelings and actions are justified. Try and be as objective as possible to try and understand the Why behind your feelings and actions. Notice your thinking and make note of the narrative you’re writing.

Now, Zoom Out to take a more objective look at the people you are in relationship with–friend, lover, colleague, family–and ask yourself questions again. Remember to distance yourself from your feelings. You aren’t trying to blame, rather you’re trying to come to a better understanding. Why are they acting this way? What potential motive(s) is behind their behavior? How do they feel? What is their larger context? What is their narrative? By trying to understand their point of view, you’re taking in the larger context of the situation.

Take a Minute

Time can help you gain insight into a situation. Time allows you to mentally sit with something, take it in, and examine it from different perspectives. The emotions may still be strong and/or deep, but time can help you choose a better behavioral response than an impulsive emotional reaction.

The amount of time you sit with a situaion depends on both what you need and what’s appropriate to the situation. It’s taken me months to discern some romantic connections. I may need several minutes, hours, or even a full day to determine an appropriate response to a text or email. I find that I make better decisions and give better responses when I allow myself adequate time to process my thoughts and feelings.

Truth it Out

The purpose of Zooming Out is to find the larger truth of the situation, not just your personal truth. By using the framework of Wise Mind, you can better assess the larger situational truth(s). You can evaluate whether your feelings and actions are valid, as well as whether someone else’s are. Keep in mind that it’s possible that multiple points of view are valid and the situation may be complex to navigate. The view depends on where you stand and look at the scene.

If you recognize that your own feelings or actions may be at fault, then ask yourself if you need to do something to rectify the situation. In my case, that was taking a day away from my family when my emotions were overwhelming.

If you believe that someone else’s behavior is at fault, then ask yourself what action makes the most sense in navigating the situation. Maybe that’s a conversation with them. Maybe that’s pulling back from the situation. In the case of R, it was recognizing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I deserved to be treated better. That helped me find peace within the disappointment of our failed connection.

Final Thoughts

The practice of Zooming Out can help you get a better, more balanced perspective on a situation. It entails stepping back from your emotions to see situations more objectively, taking in the larger truth. Strive for an expansive vision, not a narrow view. Try to see where other people are coming from. Understand perceived slights may not be about you at all.

Ultimately, as my sister Megan said, “How people treat you is a reflection of other people’s emotional state and maturity and person, not a reflection of you.” Do your best to objectively truth things out, but also know your worth.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A: Sexual Desire

Looking at Dating Profiles: Discerning Authenticity

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People reveal a lot about themselves in their dating profiles, and the more information they provide, the easier it is to get a sense of the kind of person they are. Profile Summaries are particularly helpful in this way. I’ve previously explored some general look-fors and what you can learn about someone from their communication style. Here, we’ll look at how you can discern someone’s authenticity (or lack of) from their Profile Summary.

If someone doesn’t have a Profile Summary at all, then be cautious. They may be too lazy to be bothered with one, their Profile may still be under construction, or it may be a fake profile. Watch out for the latter.

When reading a Profile Summary, be on the lookout for whether the person comes off as authentic, or conversely, if they come off as shallow, insincere, or phony (Here I don’t mean as a fake profile but as a personality flaw.). There are ways to discern authenticity, or a lack thereof, even in a Profile Summary.

Truths

A personal truth is something about a person where they’re inflexible and must be accepted by a potential match as they are. Truths can be a matter of personal preference (e.g., veganism, religion, sexual proclivity), a physical reality (e.g., disease, disability), or a situational reality (e.g., a custodial arrangement).

If a person is forthcoming about personal truths, it’s a sign of authenticity. They’re either strong in their truth, willing to be frank and straightforward, or courageous enough to be vulnerable. Their truth may be a turn-off or dealbreaker for you, but their honesty is commendable regardless.

Passions

Passions are those things which we find personally compelling, which make our lives more fulfilling, and which we couldn’t live without. Reading, sports, travel, and art are all examples of things that someone might be passionate about.

In my high school Humanities course, Dr. Cognard gave us an assignment to do a presentation on something we were passionate about, with the goal of evoking that feeling of passion in the rest of the class–in essence, to make our audience feel our passion. All those years ago, I did my presentation on Love itself. And here I am, still presenting on that topic.

I came across Timo’s profile several months ago. Timo lives off the grid on an acreage. Reading his profile, his enthusiasm and passion for nature was palpable. He would’ve nailed the Humanities assignment.

If someone communicates their passion in a compelling way, there’s sincerity in that. The source of their passion may not inspire you in the same way, but it’s a sign of authenticity.

Beware of the Peacock

Ideally, a Profile Summary gives you a sense of who someone is and what/who they’re looking for in a relationship. But sometimes, a profile reads as a sales pitch on how desirable they are to date. Perhaps they do have some great things going on, but if they don’t have quality of character to match their desirable qualities, no bueno.

Sometimes the bluster can be obvious, but sometimes it can be subtle, especially if there are aspects of the profile that you find desirable, such as the person’s lifestyle, accomplishments, or attractiveness. Read the tone of the profile to discern whether they come off as friendly and conversational or if they’re peacocking who they are in a showy way. There’s a shallowness in showiness, and a resulting lack of authenticity.

Depths vs. Shallows

Speaking of shallowness, if you’re looking for authentic connection, look beyond the shallow, the surface, and the small talk, to find someone with depth who sparks your interest. Depth of character is a sign of authenticity and can present itself in different ways.

Does a profile read like a gazillion other profiles, or is there something about it that stands out, that speaks to you? If you find a Profile Summary (versus pictures or biographical information) that touches you or compels you in some way, it can be an indication of authenticity.

If someone’s Profile Summary rises above the shallows of small talk, stands out, and engages you, ask yourself what it is about the summary that speaks to you. Do they strike you as reflective? Intellectual? Insightful? Do they have personality? A unique perspective? A good sense of humor? Do they have depths that you can dive into? If so, it might be time to go for a swim.

Disingenuousness

I’m not really sure what the motive is for people to be flagrantly disingenuous in their profile, but every once in a while I run across a profile where someone is openly disingenuous rather than straightforward about who they are.

Some examples…

Example 1: Pediatric ER doc with a God complex, narcissist, insecure, dishonest and emotionally unavailable, acquiring material possessions to compensate for a spiritual void. When asked to describe me friends say, “Seriously? I really don’t know you that well. Can’t you ask somebody else?”🤣😂

Example 2: Do you like yard work, cleaning house, cooking? Are you financially stable? Are you able to provide me with all the comforts I deserve? Can you drive a tractor? If so then maybe I just may allow you the honor of chatting with me. Ok I’m kidding LOL 

Example 3: Well, hmmm… I hate travel, hate laughing, …. just kidding. I like those things of course. 

Example 4: Extremely over weight (sic), bald, lazy, jobless, no sense of humor, mom has never liked me, i do posses (sic) a 4th grade reading level my most outstanding feature is that i am a complete train wreck in the bedroom.   Any takers? 

I really don’t understand the motivation for this approach. Do they think they’re being funny? Do they think it’s an effective way to appeal to potential matches? Or are they simply not thinking through their strategy at all? Regardless, they’re not coming from a place of authenticity, and they don’t deserve serious consideration.

Photos

In discerning authenticity in a profile, it would be remiss of me to not mention profile photographs. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of profiles with misleading photographs–filters, old photos, or an age/physical appearance mismatch.

The good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to discern when someone is being misleading with their photos, you just need to be on the lookout for such deception.

Things to keep in mind:

  • Do they have several photos (more than just 3 or 4) so that you can get a consistent idea of what they look like across place and time? If not, you have a right to wonder.
  • Does the photograph look filtered or altered in some way? If so, why?
  • Is it not actually a true photograph? Again, if so, why?
  • Do the photos look old? This can be discerned by whether the photo seems aged or the context (e.g., what people are wearing, hairstyles, the setting) of the photo.
  • Does their stated age seem to match the photos they’re sharing? For instance, if they say they’re 56 but they have a wattle-gobble throat, their age might be off by a decade or more.

It’s unfortunate that people are deceptive and misleading in their profile and photos, but if you look at profiles and photos with this in mind, you can frequently discern when someone’s authentic and when they’re being disingenuous.

Final Thoughts

Finding that right person and romantic connection is a challenge. And while there are dating profiles aplenty out there, discerning if the person behind the profile might be a good match requires using the information offered in the profile purposefully.

One look-for in a Profile Summary is whether a person reads as authentic. There’s plenty of people who are insincere, play games, put up a false-front, or have an agenda. That makes finding a person who’s authentic that much more precious. May you find an authentic connection who’s right for you.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Blue Holidays–When You Feel More OY than Joy

Looking at Dating Profiles: Photographs

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In the past, I’ve given guidance on how to choose and take photos for your dating profile, as well as tips for crating your dating profile summary, all to the end of helping you represent yourself both authentically and effectively on platform. That work goes to projecting yourself, now let’s turn toward the receptive side–how to look at dating profiles strategically.

By being savvy about how we look at profiles, we can save ourselves time and date smarter. We can easily weed out questionable and unsuitable profiles; be aware when it might be worth getting more information; and when a person’s profile is compelling enough to actively pursue the person behind it.

Think of the force of a magnet, pulling an object toward it. This force of attraction is rightly applied to the chemistry between two people, that sense of being pulled toward each other. And while physical attraction is rarely enough to sustain a connection on its own, it’s often the starting point. All the more so in the case in the context of a dating platform, where we’re faced with a limited dimensionality of the person behind the profile–the first thing to grab our attention is generally someone’s photo. So, let’s begin here…

There Should be Photos

Well, if there aren’t photos, that’s problematic. One has to wonder–What are they hiding? A lot of attraction begins from a place of physical attraction, and if they aren’t letting you see what they look like, there’s probably a reason. When discerning potential romantic connections, you deserve information to help you determine if they’re potentially a good fit, including if you find them physically attractive. If they aren’t even providing you this basic information, then best to move on.

The Photos Should be Current

Profile photos should be fairly current, within the last couple of years for the most part, unless they have a special throwback photo (e.g., standing on the Olympic podium with their medal). You aren’t able to date them as they were ten years ago, so they should accurately represent themselves for how they look now. And if they aren’t accurately representing how they look now, then why? Are they being lazy? Deceptive? Neither reason is acceptable..

There are ways to discern if photos are current or not, though often it’s fairly obvious. Sometimes a photo has the tint of age as an indicator. The clothes, hairstyle(s), or context of the photo can also be a clue. Another thing to consider is whether they look their stated age in the photos. If not, it could signify that their photos aren’t current.

The Photos Should Be Clear and Correctly Oriented

The purpose of providing photographs is so that potential matches can get an idea of what a person looks like and whether they find the person physically attractive. To that end, the photographs provided should make it easy to discern what the person looks like–not blurry, not out of range (Unless it’s giving you other information, like they’re an international traveler and they’ve been to Mount Fiji.), not out of frame, not you-have-to-tilt-your-head to see it properly.

If the photographs don’t allow you to easily discern what the person looks like, then why are they there? And why can’t they bother to figure out how to orient a photo correctly?

On “Obligatory” Photographs

To my mind, the only truly obligatory photographs are a close-up and a full body shot. The purpose of these is to give you a clear idea of what the person looks like. The fish, gym, car, and bathroom selfies, are not only unnecessary, but for me something of a turn-off as they’re a sign of unoriginal thinking. The cliché nature of the so-called “obligatory” photograph may be a non-issue for you, but it’s worth noting.

There Should be a Variety of Photos

A variety of photos helps you get a better sense of what a person really looks like, as well as the kind of person they are. A well-developed profile usually has at least five. I currently have twenty photos on my profile.

Close-ups and Full Body Shots

The profile should have both close-ups and full body shots so that you can get a good idea of what they really look like (the close-up) and what their body type is (the full body shot). There should be multiples of each type of photos so that you can get a clear idea of what they look like.

Across Place and Time

Ideally, the photos provided have been taken across place and time rather than in one single setting. My friend EJ refers to the latter as looking like a JC Penny catalog photo shoot.

Photos taken across place and time will give you a better idea of what they look like consistently–across different settings and in different contexts. For instance, is there a photo of them dressed up? Dressed casually? In athletic gear?

By a variety of settings and contexts, you can also gather information about that kind of person they are. Pay attention to the context of the photos, the background, and any additional people in the photographs.

The Context

The context of photographs can give you information about the activities someone enjoys. You can use this information to help you determine if they are potentially compatible. Are they athletic? Attending a sporting event? At a gala? In an art museum? At the beach? In nature? Travelling abroad? RVing? A biker? In an office? In a school? At a bar? Fine dining? Fishing? On a boat? On a private jet? In the pilot seat?

Pay Attention to the Background

The background of a photograph can also give you insights into a person. For instance, if the picture is taken at their home–Is it cluttered? Neat? What is their taste in decor? Modern? Minimalist? Is it desperately in need of an update? Does it look like thousands of other suburban homes or does it have character? Do they have a good visual aesthetic? Do they have art? Most importantly, does their vibe work in your world?

The background of someone’s photographs show you how a person lives and the environments where they spend time. You can use this context to help discern whether their lifestyle might make sense in your world and vice versa.

The Other People in the Photos

The other people in photographs can give you clues about a person as well. You might be able to get a clue about the age of their children and how many they have, for instance. There’s a big difference between dating someone with a toddler and someone with teenagers. There’s also a big difference between dating someone with one child and four children.

Also consider how they’re behaving with their companions. Do they look like they are partying hard? Do they look relaxed? Do they appear uptight or awkward? I‘ve seen profile photos where a good looking woman had her arm around the guy. Why is he showing me a picture of him cozying up to another woman? Unless that’s his sister, forget it.

Sometimes people scribble out or slap smiley faces on their companions to protect their privacy. Personally, I find this tacky. If they feel the need to protect the privacy of their companions, then why use that picture at all? Though it’s not a hard “no,” it does affect my perception of them somewhat. It’s up to you to determine what your visual turn-ons and turn-offs are.

Can You Picture Yourself in Their Photos?

Consider the different contexts, settings, and people in the photographs you see. Can you visualize yourself in those contexts and settings, and with those people? Does the visual information the photographs provide potentially make sense within the contexts, settings, and people in your life?

For instance, I can neither visualize myself going to a sporting event with people so fanatical that they paint their faces, nor being with someone so athletically intense that they ice climb.

I can, however, visualize myself at a formal gala, hiking in a national park, at an art museum, drinking cocktails at a speakeasy, or travelling internationally. I am all for expanding my universe, but there are some settings, contexts, and people that make more sense in my life than others. If I can’t visualize myself in their photographs, I move on.

Looking at profile photos, discern as best as you can what contexts and settings potentially make sense in your life. There’s more to a profile and person than photographs, but use the information provided as a starting point to discern whether it’s worth gathering more information or if the person’s a mismatch right out of the gate.

Are They Effable?

Okay, English major wordplay here…what I really mean is f***able, but that’s effable, right?

When looking at profile photos, of course we’re discerning whether or not we find the person attractive, but I use a slightly higher measure than simply whether I find them generally attractive. The measure I use is whether or not I consider the man to be potentially f***able. Can I see myself being physically intimate with him? Can I imagine wanting him to touch me and wanting to touch him? Can I visualize a kiss?

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship for me. There are plenty of attractive guys who I can’t picture myself physically craving, and there are men who I find physically cravable. I want to be in relationship with one of the latter. If I don’t perceive the guy as potentially f***able, I pass them by. Why waste my time?

If physical intimacy is important for you too, consider looking at profile photos through this lens–Can you see yourself being physically intimate with this person? If not, perhaps you want to move on too.

Final Thoughts

Profile pictures are an initial tool to perceive whether you might be potentially interested in a person. Not only can they help you discern whether (or not) you find a person physically attractive, but they also provide a lot of corollary information as well. Use the clues and information the photographs provide to help you discern whether or not the person might make sense in your world.

May the force of attraction be with you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Manage Your Expectations–In the Beginning…