Your Best You

Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.

Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.

Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.

What Making Assumptions Looks Like

I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.

J

A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.

When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.

R

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.

At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”

My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.

The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.

The Youtube Comment

One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:

What motivated this video?
Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.

The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.

As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.

Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)

You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.

So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.

Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.

There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.

The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.

Seeing People for Who They Are

People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.

If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.

Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search

In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.

If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.

Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.

Observe and Listen

Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.

Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.

Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.

Ask, Don’t Tell

My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.

If you want to know, Ask.

I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.

Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior

Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.

Discern Over Time

The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.

When Someone Assumes Something About You

The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?

Call Them Out…

If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.

…or Leave Them in the Dark

If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.

Final Thoughts

By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.

As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Zoom Out

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Dating is an emotional journey to navigate. We seek someone who arouses a strong emotional response in us, yet that same strong emotional respone simultaneously makes us emotionally vulnerable. To set ourselves up for the best experience we can manage (there is only so much within our control), we must be our best evolved selves. Zooming Out, or using our rational self to bring a more objective perspective to our emotional experience, can assist us both in being our best self and discerning the larger context of the situation.

The Purpose of Zooming Out

Zooming Out from an experience allows you to get perspective and see the bigger picture, even when you’re an actor in the scene. It allows you to try to see a situation with some objectivity, even when you have very subjective feelings about it. It helps balance emotional experience with rational insight by trying to see the larger context of the siutation, see other people’s point of view, and your own role in the scene. Zooming Out empowers you to engage with a situation more thoughtfully and choose your responses more intentionally, rather than leading solely from emotional reaction.

The benefits of Zooming Out extend beyond romantic scenarios. It’s a tool you can use in all types of relationships and situations. It can help you better understand relationships, people, motivations, situations, and contexts.

For Example…

Here are some examples of what Zooming Out, or failing to, looks like.

A Romantic Example

Things seem to be going well. There’s a nice back and forth. Then, there’s a drop in communication. They haven’t called/texted/responded. You feel insecure. You wonder–Why? It’s a fairly common experience if you’re dating and, sometimes, even in a relationship. I can’t even ballpark how many times this has happened to me or with how many different men.

And when it happens, if you’re feeling emotional or insecure, Zoom Out. Look at the broader context. How well do you know them? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. There might be things going on with them that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re busy with work, were in a car accident, came down with the flu, or a friend/family member is in town. Maybe they’ve lost interest, maybe they simply have other things going on, or maybe they’re an asshole that you’re better off without.

You don’t know what you don’t know, so be careful not to make what might be nothing into something. You need more information to understand the situation better. That information might be a reasonable explanation, it might be prolonged silence, or it might be a mismatch between your expectations and their capacity or willingness.

Beware of taking everything personally, It might not be about you at all, and if it is about you, then you either have some problem-solving to do, or they aren’t your right person. The right person wouldn’t do that to you.

If they’re incommunicado longer than you’re comfortable, then reach out. If you’re met with more silence, that’s information too. Alternatively, give yourself time to breathe and prioritize yourself to get through the uncomfortable spot.

A Non-Romantic Example

Recently, my sister and nephew were in town. When they’re here, I prioritize making time for them. But, one day during their visit I couldn’t do it.

That morning, I was very emotional and weepy. At work, I recognized that interactions and exchanges with others which I’d normally take in stride, were throwing me off-kilter. I was second-guessing myself in a way that I usually don’t and being oversensitive about minor things. I did my best to auto-pilot and get through my work day. Recognizing that I needed some time to myself to calm my emotions and I also wasn’t in a good emotional space to be around other people, I texted my family to cancel on them that evening.

And I had to ask myself–Why today? What is making me hyper-feel today? When I asked myself those questions, I connected my feelings to my bleeding. I hit the menopausal mark of a year without a period a couple months ago, yet a few days prior, I unexpectedly started bleeding. A surge of hormones made me hyper-emotional.

In this case, Zooming Out looked like me being able to step outside of myself enough to recognize that I was overly emotional. Once I recognized that, despite my intense emotions, I was able to be objective enough to ask myself Why, and reason out the answer. Finally, based on this understanding, I made an appropriate behavioral response–take some time to myself and away from people.

A Non-Example

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump was made. Our politics align, but R is British, and that’s the lens through which he saw the events, and ultimately me.

We’d been feeling out our chemistry and connection for a couple of days, but the assassination attempt made an abrupt shift in his behavior and treatment of me. Suddenly, I represented all the things that he despised about America–violence, loudness, polarizing politics. He stopped seeing me as an individual and lumped me in with stereotypes. He wasn’t able to Zoom Out and see me for who I am within a larger context of the situation, Rather, he oversimplified, opting to be intellectually lazy.

Ironically, he’s a birder, but he was unable to manage a bird’s eye view. Ha!

How to Zoom Out

Zooming Out effectively requires taking that bird’s eye view. Think about the zoom lens of a camera, allowing you to zoom in on details. In the context of a relationship situation this could be your emotion (e.g., feeling slighted); the details of conversation (e.g., “I’m not the one who does that, you are” or “I’m sorry”); body language (e.g., rolled eye vs. eye contact with nodding and active listening); or actions (e.g., a slammed door, an unreturned text, showing up when they say they will etc.).

Alternatively, Zooming Out is taking that bird’s eye view of seeing the larger context of the situation from further away. In this case, we are Zooming Out from our emotions and the details we’re fixated on, so we can broaden our understanding of the situation. We aren’t neglecting our emotions, but we’re stepping back from them rather than leading with them.

Here are some guidelines that I’ve found helpful in Zooming Out:

Wise Mind

Years ago, my therapist shared with me the framework of Wise Mind. As an empath, I have a deep well of emotions, but I also have an intellectual bent. Wise Mind has helped me integrate these two aspects of myself. In turn, that helps me better navigate my relationships and experience by bringing a more balanced and thoughtful approach to how I live and process my life.

A Venn diagram with a circle representing reasonable mind and the other circle representing emotional mind. Wise mind is where the two circles overlap.

Wise Mind is the intersection of the emotional and rational. It’s the space where we’re neither reigned by emotion nor driven by logic. It’s a place of balance where we simultaneously honor the emotion and navigate with reason. Try using the Wise Mind framework to take a broader view of your relationship(s) and situation(s).

Observe and Ask Questions

To Zoom Out effectively, put some distance between yourself and emotion. Backing away from the emotion can help you see it more clearly. Step outside of yourself so that you can look at yourself in your larger context. Name the emotion(s) you are feeling. Watch your behavior. Ask yourself Why questions: Why are you feeling this way? Why are you behaving that way? Be honest with yourself about whether your feelings and actions are justified. Try and be as objective as possible to try and understand the Why behind your feelings and actions. Notice your thinking and make note of the narrative you’re writing.

Now, Zoom Out to take a more objective look at the people you are in relationship with–friend, lover, colleague, family–and ask yourself questions again. Remember to distance yourself from your feelings. You aren’t trying to blame, rather you’re trying to come to a better understanding. Why are they acting this way? What potential motive(s) is behind their behavior? How do they feel? What is their larger context? What is their narrative? By trying to understand their point of view, you’re taking in the larger context of the situation.

Take a Minute

Time can help you gain insight into a situation. Time allows you to mentally sit with something, take it in, and examine it from different perspectives. The emotions may still be strong and/or deep, but time can help you choose a better behavioral response than an impulsive emotional reaction.

The amount of time you sit with a situaion depends on both what you need and what’s appropriate to the situation. It’s taken me months to discern some romantic connections. I may need several minutes, hours, or even a full day to determine an appropriate response to a text or email. I find that I make better decisions and give better responses when I allow myself adequate time to process my thoughts and feelings.

Truth it Out

The purpose of Zooming Out is to find the larger truth of the situation, not just your personal truth. By using the framework of Wise Mind, you can better assess the larger situational truth(s). You can evaluate whether your feelings and actions are valid, as well as whether someone else’s are. Keep in mind that it’s possible that multiple points of view are valid and the situation may be complex to navigate. The view depends on where you stand and look at the scene.

If you recognize that your own feelings or actions may be at fault, then ask yourself if you need to do something to rectify the situation. In my case, that was taking a day away from my family when my emotions were overwhelming.

If you believe that someone else’s behavior is at fault, then ask yourself what action makes the most sense in navigating the situation. Maybe that’s a conversation with them. Maybe that’s pulling back from the situation. In the case of R, it was recognizing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I deserved to be treated better. That helped me find peace within the disappointment of our failed connection.

Final Thoughts

The practice of Zooming Out can help you get a better, more balanced perspective on a situation. It entails stepping back from your emotions to see situations more objectively, taking in the larger truth. Strive for an expansive vision, not a narrow view. Try to see where other people are coming from. Understand perceived slights may not be about you at all.

Ultimately, as my sister Megan said, “How people treat you is a reflection of other people’s emotional state and maturity and person, not a reflection of you.” Do your best to objectively truth things out, but also know your worth.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A: Sexual Desire