Holidays

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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The original date of this post is 2017. I’ve not only updated it, but in the meantime, my family has survived more blue holidays. On December 28, 2023, my ex, father to my children, died. The last day my boys saw their father alive was Christmas Day. Their father’s death will always color my boys’ holidays with a tint of blue.

Last year was my boys’ first Christmas without their father. My firstborn went to Hawaii with a friend and bandmate rather than suffer through the Christmas holiday at emotional Ground Zero. It was what he needed to do to get through the holiday. Conversely, my youngest wanted as much normalcy as possible. I accommodated and respected both of their needs. We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and be okay.

So, this post is for those of you feeling blue this season. I wish you the happiest holidays that you can manage.

Blue Holidays

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. 

A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas Day. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. One year, my boyfriend wanted to dine at the restaurant to be in proximity to me. He (naively?) came to dinner with a female “friend,” on Valentine’s Day, one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry, because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, acknowledging neither the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he became my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” inevitably turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then, there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. I prioritized myself and my needs, over tradition and social expectations.

What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they’re suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of Hope. We all need such Hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing; it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings, and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end, a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

P.S. I’ll be taking the next month off for the holidays. I’ll see you next year!

Up Next: Manage Your Relationship Expectations–Further Down the Road

Valentine’s Day: A Day for Lovers

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Valentine’s Day is known as a day for Lovers. If you have a lover, that’s a beautiful thing. This day caters to you. Enjoy and celebrate your love!

If you don’t have a lover, Valentine’s Day can leave you feeling marginalized, reinforcing your sense of single-ness. If single is your status, you could feel sorry for yourself, I certainly have at times, but marinating too much in that is unproductive. Rather than feel sorry for ourselves, how can we flip our thinking, and take ownership in this “couples” holiday?

Being a Lover

Let’s first consider what it really means to be a “Lover“. A person can be married or in a committed relationship and yet not be a Lover. If a person lacks an attitude of Love, then they’re simply not a Lover, regardless of their relationship status.

Likewise, you can be a Lover, even sans a lover. Those of us seeking Love, must also have Love to offer. We don’t need a lover to offer that Love up. We can walk in Love and try to manifest a loving presence in our interactions as we go forth into the world. And we can feel good about that. With luck, that effort will be appreciated, and we’ll attract Love in kind. We’ll attract better, because we’re embodying better. Claim and own your title as a Lover, regardless of your relationship status.

The world can be a harsh place. There’s a lot of hate and divisiveness these days. The world could use more Love. We can be that Love. Each of us can try to be a Light, even in darkness. The more Lights there are, the brighter it gets.

As you go forth in your day, consider if there are ways you can be that loving presence in different contexts and relationships–on social media, in the grocery store, at work, walking down the street, on a dating platform. The world is better for the Love you offer.

Conducting oneself like a lover, not just romantically, but as a lover of humankind, won’t guarantee that one’s treated in kind, but it does improve the odds. Though sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes I fail, I always try to begin from a place of Love. And while I’m still single, I have the gift of many wonderful friends and connections, a support system that continues to grow.

There are people who are limited and unable to meet us in lovingkindness–some other emotion has gotten in the way of their ability to lead with Love. At such times, of course, we ought to stand up for ourselves. Doing so is a demonstration of self-love, a recognition that we deserve to be treated with lovingkindness. Further, standing up for ourself with dignity, rather than condescending to a baser level of interaction (even if that’s what we’re confronted with) demonstrates self-respect.

Regardless of your relationship status or the limitations of others, you can claim your title as a Lover. It’s yours for the taking.

Celebrating a Day for Lovers

If You Have a Lover

If you have a lover, then how to celebrate is easy. This day already caters to you and you’ve lots of options. You just need to narrow down the options and plan ahead.

Planning ahead is crucial. Having worked in a fine dining establishment for several years, the two busiest nights of the year were New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. There were always people who tried to call for a reservation the same day, but by that time we were fully booked. I even turned Johnny Rodgers down for a same day reservation (I’m not a football fan and had no idea who he was. My boss at the time, an avid Husker fan, was not pleased.) Try to book a minimum of a week ahead.

Activities

One way to celebrate the day with your date is to do a special activity. There are plenty of activities worth considering:

  • Dinner
    • Dinner Reservations: Dress up and hit the town!
    • Romantic Dinner In: Make a special dinner for your lover or make dinner together.
    • Picnic: Depending on where you live and what the weather is, pack a picnic and eat somewhere special. Use your imagination!
  • Live Music/Dancing: Go out and take in some music. Better yet, add in some dancing. Dancing can be a fun and romantic activity.
  • Ice Skating: a variation on dancing! It can be a fun activity whether you’re skilled or novice.
  • Find a Special Event: There are lots of special activities planned around the holiday. Look into what special activities are available in your area. Try a Google search, Facebook Events, or check with your local favorites. For instance:
    • Couples Massage
    • Winery/Wine Bar/Brew Pub Event
    • Art Galleries/Painting Studios
  • Go for a Romantic:
    • Walk
    • Drive
    • Boat Ride
    • Horse Carriage/Ride
    • Sleigh Ride
  • Watch a Film: You can do this whether going out or staying in! Choose a film strategically whether it’s a genre you both like or something that suits the mood you want to establish.
  • Play a Game: You can go to a game cafe or play a game at home. Be creative, explore romantic/sensual game options. Some of these can be found at…
  • Visit a Lingerie or Adult Store: Know your date/partner well enough to determine if this is a good fit for you.
  • Getaway: Get out of town, go to a new town, rent a cabin, or book a boutique hotel in town for a change of scenery.

There are lots of options to choose from. Figure out what makes sense for you and yours.

Gifts

My personal preference for gifts is to keep it simple, but admittedly, this isn’t one of my Love Languages. Flowers are great, as long as the recipient doesn’t have allergies. But with flowers, again, you’ll need to plan ahead–a lot of flowers will be delivered this day.

If Gifts are important to your lover, it doesn’t need to be extravagant, just use what you know about them to guide you–a pair of earrings/cufflinks, the perfume/cologne they wear, a favorite bottle of wine, tickets to a concert/show, a future getaway.

Beware of Having High Expectations

Holidays and special occasions can easily lend themselves to high expectations. Valentine’s Day in particular can be easily romanticized by the very nature of being a holiday associated with romance. We’re imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. Focus on enjoying yourself and your date rather than having rigid expectations of what the day must be.

An acquaintance of mine several years ago complained to me about the gift her husband gave her for Valentine’s Day. He’d bought a thoughtful gift, but it didn’t land right with her. Her reaction was disappointment and anger that he’d wasted money on such a gift. Her reaction didn’t land right with me.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a lover on a day devoted to lovers, that’s a gift in itself. If you’re further lucky enough to be the recipient of an experience or gift, be grateful and express your gratitude rather than sitting in judgment of the offering. Valentine’s Day is a day for Lovers; Judgment is not a Love move.

Celebrating as a Single

If you’re sans lover this year, you might have low expectations for Valentine’s Day. The good news is, that if you have low expectations, it’s easy to exceed them! The show Parks and Recreation offers some great inspiration for how you can claim some of this day as a single and a Lover.

Make Valentine’s Day Galentine’s Day

In the episode Galentine’s Day, Leslie celebrates friendship with her gal pals. In the show, they celebrate on February 13, but why not celebrate on Valentine’s Day itself? You may be celebrating with a friend, but there’s no reason you can’t do some of the activities a couple might do (see above)–go hear live music, have a nice dinner, watch a film, get friend massages! For a lark, you could even pretend to be a couple as an inside joke on the day.

Treat Yo Self

On Parks and Recreation, Treat Yo Self Day is a day when Donna and Tom celebrate themselves by treating themselves to special indulgences, purchases, and experiences. They are loving on themselves. If you don’t have a lover, be your own lover. Love on yourself and treat yo self to something special, whether an experience, a meal, a fine wine, a special purchase, a relaxing evening, or all of the above and then some.

You can Treat Yo Self by yo-self or with a friend. Why not combine Galentine’s Day, Treat Yo Self Day, and Valentine’s Day all into one day of loving fun?

Buy Yourself Flowers

Don’t have a lover to give or get flowers to/from? As the Miley Cyrus song says, buy yourself flowers! And, if you’re buying them for yourself, no need to go to the trouble to send them like everyone else is. Trader Joe’s has an inexpensive but attractive selection of options. You deserve to brighten up your day!

Singles Events

Just as there are special events that cater to couples experiences on Valentine’s Day, look into what singles events are happening near you. In addition to a Google search or Facebook Events, Match.com Events and other dating platforms/venues are worth looking into for happenings as well.

Films

Want to stay in and watch a film, either by yourself or with a friend? I’ve often landed here on Valentine’s Day. When I do so, I very intentionally steer clear of the rom-com. At 53, I’ve been single long enough that I’m tired of bearing witness to love happening to other people, real or fictional. I need space from it, so I avoid it in film. Instead, give me some moody noir, where nobody’s entirely happy, and everyone has issues.

Some (mostly) non rom-com suggestions:

  • Casablanca (1942): Spoiler alert…Love doesn’t win, Friendship does!
  • The Third Man (1949): Love doesn’t win, nor does Friendship.
  • The Asphalt Jungle (1950): Love goes unrequited or is a means to an end.
  • Laura (1944): Love gets a little obsessive.
  • Fatal Attraction (1987): Love gets a little obsessive.
  • Night of the Hunter (1955): Stunning cinematography; haunting song. Love vs. Hate. There are loving people, and there are people who love money. Beware who you love…
  • The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964): A visually stunning foreign musical where Love meets Reality.
  • The Long Goodbye (1973): A single guy with a cat. Romantic relationships and friendships are pretty messed up. Titillating amount of boobies (It’s Robert Altman, after all).
  • Thelma & Louise (1991): A celebration of female friendship. They stick together to the end.
  • Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969): A celebration of male friendship. They stick together to the end.
  • Bridesmaids (2011): Venturing into rom-com territory here, but the theme of Friendship is equally as strong or stronger than the theme of Romantic Love. Plus, it’s hilarious.

Final Thoughts

Whether you have a lover or are seeking one, celebrate this day as the Lover you are. The world is a better place for the Love you offer it. May you feel the Love you are so worthy of.

If you have any additional thoughts, ideas, or tips for celebrating Valentine’s Day, please comment below; I’d love to hear your ideas! Good luck out there, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Up Next: Q & A–How do I Respond When I’m not Interested?

Holiday Hacks: Navigating the Holidays as a Single

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Holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration, but there are all kinds of reasons that the joy of the season may feel elusive, even oppressive. If you feel marginalized by the joy rather than a participant in it, a season of joy can have a dark underbelly. Advent? My life often feels like an Advent–waiting, waiting, waiting… yet I don’t want to wait my life away, so I do my best to make things happen. Part of that is taking the holidays on my terms.

With the holiday season upon us, I want to address some tips for navigating the holidays as a single–I’ve certainly had plenty of time to figure out some single holiday hacks. While I hope all singles can find something helpful herein, I especially offer this to those of you who are single and struggling. I’ve been there. Please, Persist.

Have a Game Plan:

For holidays without my boys, I always make sure to have a plan so that I don’t end up sitting at home feeling sad and sorry for myself. Instead, I ensure that I’m actively doing something and participating in my life and the holiday. I may still feel sad and sorry for myself, but at least I’m trying to do something to counteract those feelings rather than simply marinating in a brine of sorrow and self-pity. I do the holiday on my terms. Here are some actionable ideas:

Go on a Date:

Remember, you’re not alone in this. You’re hardly the only single. If you don’t have kids for the holiday, and someone’s piqued your interest, consider going on a date.

I’ve had a first date in Chicago on Christmas Day and a local one on New Year’s Day. If there’s someone you like who might be available, ask them out…who knows, maybe you’ll end up with a great first-date story to tell at your wedding! Or maybe you’ll make a good memory, even if it doesn’t work out for the long term. Or perhaps you’ll make a new friend. And if it’s a major fail, hopefully you at least get a good story to laugh about.

As singles, we must laugh–our experiences are simply too ridiculous not to. Sans laughter, it hurts too much. Find the humor as you’re able. Upturn situations and holidays as it suits you. Take holidays on your terms.

Celebrate with Friends:

Do you know other singles who lack a special someone or family to celebrate with? When looking for friends to celebrate holidays with, one of the first people I think of is Ed–godfather to my eldest son, he’s been a beloved friend for over twenty years.

A longtime single, Ed has no children, his parents are deceased, and he doesn’t have any local family members. While he has many friends he can potentially celebrate with, he doesn’t have a consistent person to celebrate with, and he’s more likely to be available on holidays than most of my friends. We’ve made some good memories over the years, including dancing and drinking to a live band at a honky tonk bar on New Year’s Eve!

Remember Galentine’s Day from Parks and Recreation? Instead of the romantic-focused celebration of Valentine’s Day, Leslie creates a holiday to celebrate her gal friends. Along the same lines, if you aren’t able to celebrate Thanksgiving with family, consider a Friendsgiving celebration instead! Create your own special way to celebrate a holiday with friends. Flip the holiday from a what you’re missing scenario to a what you’re making happen scenario!

Be Your own Date (Celebrate Yourself!):

Unhappily married, I focused my life around my children during my marriage. They brought me joy, so I immersed myself in them. With the divorce came weekends without my children. Alone with myself, I finally gave myself some much-needed attention. I chose to actively honor myself and re-create myself into the woman I wanted to be. Every weekend without my boys, I made a point of getting out of the house and doing something–going on the First Friday gallery walk, to a movie, or taking myself out for dinner. Something.

Frankly, the first time I went to dinner alone felt awkward. I took a book along and dressed up for the occasion. The book gave me something, if not someone, to engage with, and I dressed up in order to own my worth, just as I’d dress up for a date. Despite being somewhat self-conscious, I also found the experience liberating.

With time, taking myself out to dinner has become normalized and empowering. Anymore, when someone tells me they couldn’t possibly go out to eat by themself, I genuinely feel sorry for them. Nowadays, I sit at the bar. I bring reading material, but I invite the possibility of conversation and connection by sitting in a communal space rather than alone at a table.

Last New Year’s Eve, I had plans to stay home and watch a movie with my youngest son, but he made last minute plans with friends. Left without a game plan, I dressed myself up and went out for Happy Hour at my favorite sushi restaurant.

As a former restaurant hostess, I can tell you that New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day are the trickiest nights to eat out sans a reversation. But, by sitting at the bar and hitting early Happy Hour, seating wasn’t a problem. People were out, I got myself out there, and I beat the real crowds. Don’t have a date to celebrate with? Celebrate yourself!

Get Yourself out there and Do Something:

My first Thanksgiving sans my children loomed as oppressively claustrophobic–a too quiet, too long holiday. I had plans to go over to my folks for a noon-hour meal, followed by playing cards with my parents and uncle. This was good for a few hours, but I couldn’t foresee several hours spent so quietly.

I knew I needed to open up the holiday somehow, so I decided to go to a movie in the late afternoon. I told my parents and uncle that they were welcome to join me, and my mother did. I was able to spend time with family, get out of the house, and break up the holiday so it was enjoyable and averted drifting into monotony.

The last few Thanksgivings without my boys, I’ve opted for hiking on the holiday. Many things are closed on holidays, but nature isn’t! Holidays are a great opportunity to go for a hike.

When options are limited, consider trying a hotel restaurant/bar. When I went to Chicago for a first date on Christmas, we stayed at a boutique hotel where we had dinner and drinks at the hotel’s restaurant and bar. Hotels need to provide service to their clientele, even on major holidays, so there’s a decent chance that you can find an open restaurant/bar in a hotel if you do a little research.

Your chances are better at hotels that are large and/or upscale. A larger hotel will be serving more travelers, and an upscale hotel will strive to make their clientele happy.

Get Out of Town:

Another get-yourself-out-there option is getting yourself all the way out-of-town! Don’t sit at home alone, in fact, don’t stay home at all, but get yourself some new scenery!

I flew to Chicago for my Christmas date. Hardly anyone flies on Christmas Day itself, so getting out-of-town was a breeze. No crowds, no hassle. Upon arrival, I had the adventure of a new connection and a different town, offering me fresh possibilities in companionship, activities, and scenery.

The past few Thanksgivings without my boys, I’ve opted to get out of town. It’s a long weekend without my boys, so why not? I turned the holiday into a vacation! My friend Erik was gracious enough to let me stay at his home in Colorado while he was visiting family in Nebraska.

Thanksgiving Day, I’d go for a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. Other days, when more things were open, I’d go to the Denver Art Museum, take myself out to dinner, and go Christmas shopping at the Pearl Street Mall in Boulder or Christkindlmarket in Denver (Maybe both!).

Me on Thanksgiving Day 2021 on a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park!
Photo: Me on Thanksgiving Day 2021 on a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. Admittedly, this was a difficult time in my life. I was coming off a devastating break-up and my youngest son was having serious health issues. Nevertheless, I tried to make the most of the holiday and get out of town. That’s not my normal Nebraska scenery!

Birthdays count!

Don’t have a partner or kids to celebrate your birthday with? Do a singles’ holiday hack on your birthday! Take the day off and do something special for yourself–with a friend, out of town, or on your own! On different birthdays I’ve celebrated by going for a birthday hike; going on a first date in Chicago; and meeting up with friends for Happy Hour.

One year, my friend Ed, citing me as his inspiration, celebrated his birthday by flying to Chicago in the morning, going to the Art Institute, then flying back in the evening. He saved money on a hotel, was able to get back the same day to take care of his dogs, yet made his day special and memorable. It gives me great pleasure to be that kind of inspiration.

Your ideas?

Looking to change up a holiday? Be creative and flip your thinking! And if you have ideas that you’ve tried or have new inspiration, please share your ideas in the comments.

Final Thoughts…

As a single, the holidays can be emotionally tricky to navigate. If you’re a single, a time of celebration and community spirit can potentially make you feel alienated and isolated. Such feelings are valid, and I don’t mean to gloss over their legitimacy. In fact, I’ve addressed the trickiness of the holidays before in this blog.

But, while such feelings are legitimate, is that where you want to live? If you’re single and struggling with holiday malaise, I offer you this post as a way to empower yourself and your thinking, to try to push yourself to a better holiday experience. And I wish you the best of luck in that endeavor.

Have fun and be safe! Happy holidays to you, whatever your holidays may be, and good luck out there! Peace and love– Laura

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic, and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. My boyfriend wanted to dine at my restaurant to be in proximity to me. He came to dinner with another woman, a “friend,” on Valentine’s Day. She was one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, not acknowledging the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he’s my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend, and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they are suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of hope. We all need such hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I have loved; I have lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing, it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

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