authenticity

Q & A: How do I Respond When I’m Not Interested?

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A reader recently posed the following question to me:

How to approach the problem of responding (or not) to someone who sends you an ardent and self-revealing message, but whom you simply have no interest in dating. Just not responding is obviously an option. But when they really put themselves out there, I feel shitty about meeting it with radio silence.  I’ve got my pat “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” message. But what I’m really flummoxed by is the following case: What to do when all indications are that someone is completely simpatico with you, on all kinds of levels that truly matter — except that you don’t find them at all physically attractive. My usual line in that case seems hollow and odd; yet I just can’t speak the whole truth. Help! 

His concerns are heartfelt, and he poses many good questions. Let’s break this scenario down.

You’re Not Interested…

When you’re in a dating context and like someone, but not in the romantic sense, it’s an uncomfortable spot. Our reader obviously has an admirable compassion. Dating’s a tricky gig, and hurt feelings, or in this case, hurting feelings is one of the tricky bits. Making ourselves emotionally vulnerable is an unavoidable part of the gig. Sometimes we get hurt. And sometimes, we wound others, even if it hurts us a little too.

….Because You’re Not Physically Attracted

There are a lot of different elements in discerning whether someone is a good romantic match or not, but I usually use physical attraction as my starting point.

People get on dating platforms with a myriad of intentions. Personally, I’m not on dating platforms to make friends (some people actively are), but to find a romantic partner. To that end, the first area of discernment for me is always the profile pictures. If I’m not physically attracted or can’t visualize potentially being physically intimate with the man, then I don’t bother going any further. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s essential that I’m physically attracted to any man I’m with.

There are a lot of interesting men that I’m not physically attracted to, and there are also men who I find physically attractive but lack compelling personalities. Personally, I want both. I think most of us do. The question becomes–How much time and energy are you willing to put into a connection (made in the context of a dating platform) that doesn’t hold romantic potential for you? Are you open to making friends along the way, or are you on the dating platform with a single-minded romantic focus?

If you’re single-minded in your purpose on platform, then you may want to use physical attraction as a starting point in your discernment, before moving on to personality. For me, this looks like not interacting with a man who I’m not physically attracted to, so as not to lead him on or encourage him.

If, however, you’re open to making friends along the way, then you’ll need to maneuver carefully in how you handle that on a dating platform.

…But They’re Simpatico

Sometimes you’re allured by someone’s personality, but the connection doesn’t make sense on a romantic level. Again, it’s a tricky space, especially if you meet on a dating platform, where the given context is romantic. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.

So, Do You Choose to Interact?

This is where you need to decide if you’re open to making/seeking friends on a dating platform in a continued contact way; whether you’re willing to interact to be polite; or whether you’re going to limit your interactions to people with whom you see romantic potential.

As I mentioned, when I look at profiles, I always start with the photos. If I’m not physically attracted, I don’t go further. When men reach out to me who I’m not attracted to, I don’t respond so as not to lead them on. The further one walks down that road, the messier it gets. I choose to abbreviate rather than stretch out any disappointment.

I’ve also had the situation where a man wasn’t interested in dating long-distance, but was nevertheless taken with my profile and wanted to get to know me. He was comfortable with putting limits on our relationship, but I’ve found those limits difficult. While I continue to engage with him, I’ve had to create my own boundaries to protect myself emotionally. Limits beget limits.

Visualize relationship as the shared space of a Venn Diagram. When you meet someone in a romantic context, but you’re not romantically interested, you’re shrinking the shared space. In turn, they’ll likely shrink that space further. How much time and energy are you willing to devote to that shrinking space?

If you decide that you’re intrigued enough by personality to choose to engage, then be sure to define your limits upfront, so as not to lead them on. This will take some tact, and they may not be interested in walking down a platonic path.

One way to frame this is some variation of, “I don’t feel that this is the relationship I’m looking for, yet I find you really simpatico. Would you be interested in continuing our conversation? If not, I totally understand.” Phrasing it this way defines your limits upfront, and while probably disappointing on her end, you’re also giving her the power of choice to say no.

They Put Themselves Out There

As for the ardent and self-revealing message where she put herself out there–Good for her! Again, making ourselves vulnerable is part of the gig we accept with dating. That she’s being vulnerable and authentic is a strength, not a weakness.

That doesn’t mean your romantic disinterest won’t wound her, but rather by being so forthcoming, she’s demonstrating a courage many people lack. Dating would probably be a much more simpatico experience in general if more people conducted themselves with her level of authenticity.

How to Respond

If you do choose to respond in some form, rather than radio silence, then it’s thoughtful to both honor her good qualities and likability, while also being clear that she isn’t a right fit for you. Your statement, “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” accomplishes this, but let’s look at how we could improve upon the flatness you’re feeling.

As a teacher, I’m trained to give specific feedback to students regardless of whether I’m praising or critiquing. Instead of “Good job!” I would say something along the lines of, “You read that so fluently!” or “You did a great job sounding that word out carefully!”

To that end, in addressing her good qualities, something more specific might give your response more dimensionality, such as, “I’m so impressed with your authenticity” or some other quality that you find attractive. Alternately, use language that sounds less canned than, “You seem great” and more like yourself, such as, “You seem simpatico in many ways.”

As for letting her down, while “I don’t think we’re a match” is clear without being unkind, I usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling the chemistry that I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.” The power in this terminology, for me, is that it goes to you are two unique individuals seeking chemistry. If the chemistry isn’t working, it’s not because anything’s wrong with either individual, but rather the relationship dynamic itself.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a tough and vulnerable gig with a lot of hard feelings. For most of us, it’s a means to an end–finding a stable loving relationship. Meanwhile, we subject ourselves to an emotional roller coaster in seeking that stability. Our reader is going about it with compassion. May we all do so to make a hard thing easier on others.

If you have any questions, please send them my way. See my contact page or scroll down and write a question in the comments below.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

Dating Profile Do: Be Authentic

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If you’ve spent any time on a dating app, you’ve likely come across some of the dishonesty, lies, and deception that abound in online dating–the outdated photos, the disingenuous age, the “I’ll tell you later” sidestep, the photo filters, etc. While deception is commonplace, that doesn’t make it acceptable. Likewise, just because a lot of people are doing something, doesn’t make it a good rationale for engaging in the same behavior. Be better.

Don’t: Deceptive Photos

One common deceit in online profiles is misleading photos or not providing a clear idea of one’s appearance. DW told me the story of a woman who had a pretty face in her online profile but when he met her in person, he was surprised that she was solidly in the plus-size category. While there’s nothing wrong with being a plus-size, being deceptive about it is problematic. Deception of any kind is weak footing to start a relationship with.

When I’m looking at profiles, I expect multiple photos across place and time so that I can get a clear idea of what a man looks like and whether or not I find him attractive. If I can’t get a clear idea of what a man looks like from a photo, both close-up and body type, then I won’t go any further. Not being able to clearly discern what a person looks like is an indication that they are either too lazy to put the effort into their profile or that they’re intentionally being evasive about something.

Earlier today, I came across a profile with some clearly outdated photos about which the man wrote, “You may be wondering about the photos. They’re for weeding out the superficial.” Well, his tactic is probably weeding out most women. When dating, it’s not an unreasonable expectation to have a clear idea of what someone looks like. So what’s he really hiding?

When looking at profiles beware of: blurry photos, outdated photos, I-can’t-tell-what-you-look-like photos, photos with filters, and zero or single photo profiles. Likewise, be intentional about avoiding them in your own profile.

Do: Provide Clear and Flattering Photos that Represent Yourself Honestly

A dating profile is your personal advertisement, giving information about a product (you), in an attempt to reach your target audience. Your target audience is the potential matches who find you attractive for who you are (And who you find attractive too!). Different people are attracted to different looks and different body types. Put your best self out there, but be honest, so you can find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

If you’re honest about your appearance, then potential matches won’t be disappointed (like DW was with his surprise plus-size date), and you won’t feel inadequate (You aren’t, so don’t set yourself up for feeling that way.). Rather, your dates will be looking forward to meeting the real you. And isn’t that what we all want, to be wanted and appreciated for who we are?

Don’t: Lie About Your Age

Deception of any kind is a weak footing to start a relationship with–that’s important enough that it’s worth restating. Unfortunately, misrepresentations of age are profuse in online dating. I can easily tell from photos when a man is lying about his age, and I routinely call out, “Liar,” as I pass on such profiles (and that’s what I say when I’m feeling polite).

There are, of course, the profiles where they’ve reconsidered and try to come clean. These profiles come with an apologetic statement about how they’re unable to change their age in the settings, so they’re being honest in their bio. While this is a step in the right direction, the initial deception is egregious enough that my advice to a client would be to start over with an entirely new profile. Begin from a place of authenticity, even if that means starting anew.

I’ve even seen a profile where a man came clean about his age, but rationalized his deception, “…so as not to be excluded from your search.” That one really pissed me off. I get to decide my dating parameters, not some bozo (There I am, being polite again.). It’s an illegitimate excuse. All of these lies about age skew the culture of the app toward lying and searching ever-younger to find someone who’s actually in the age bracket you’re willing to date in. Lies abound and fewer people actually look like the age their profile claims. Maybe at 52, this is why I still occasionally get carded for buying alcohol?

Wouldn’t it be better if people were honest with no age-shame? As members of the dating app community, we get to determine what our contribution to the culture of our community will be and what communal values we want to reinforce. Wouldn’t it be nice to elevate authenticity as a value?

Do: Own Your Age, Don’t Let it Own You

I’m 52, and I own it. I look great. I take care of myself, and it shows. I take pride in myself and in how I present myself to the world. My confidence has been earned through practice, making the effort, and owning both my worth and beauty, regardless of my age. Did I like my face better ten years ago? Sure, but I still look great with the face I have now–I just spend more time and money to look not quite as good as I used to. Nevertheless, I still look great.

Photo: Me making 52 look as good as I can!

Take care of yourself and feel better about yourself. Don’t settle, and don’t give up on yourself. Make the effort to put your best you out there and look your best. We’re all getting older; own your age with confidence and wear it well. You’re worth it, so claim it!

Don’t: Be Evasive About Information

The information in the “About” section of a dating app is typically legitimate information to know in order to gauge if someone might make a good potential match. On Match, if you don’t provide this information, it says, “I’ll tell you later.” My response is generally, “No, you won’t.” The “About” section is your chance to tell. If you don’t tell, you might not get a chance to tell at all. By withholding legitmate information, you risk turning potential matches away or off. No bueno.

Two important pieces of information to me are relationship status and education level. While I’m open to most statuses, I won’t date someone who’s separated. I want to be with someone who has both emotional and legal distance from their last relationship. If someone’s relationship status says, “I’ll tell you later,” to me that signals that it’s complicated and/or they aren’t divorced, situations that I don’t want to get anywhere near.

As someone with an intellectual bent (Heads-up, I read Shakespeare for pleasure!), I date men with graduate or postdoctoral degrees, men who have similar intellectual inclinations. If I see “I’ll tell you later,” under a man’s education, it probably means that he doesn’t have an advanced degree. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that he’s probably not for me. We all have the right to set our own dating parameters, including education level. Being evasive about education level comes across as apologetic and embarrassed/ashamed. Lack of higher education doesn’t require an apology, nor is it shameful. There’s no shame in being who you are (as long as you aren’t actively an asshole). Be honest to attract the right kind of potential matches for you and people who appreciate you for who you are.

Additionally, be wary of profiles that offer little real information, particularly if the profile has only one photograph of an exceptionally attractive individual–be rightfully suspicious; it’s probably a lure. Information is good. It can help you make informed decisions.

Do: Provide Honest and Relevant Information

You don’t need to get the nitty-gritty details of your life, but your dating profile is your chance to put your best authentic self out there and find a good potential match. Think of your profile as your dating resume. The more information you provide, the more it allows potential matches to get a sense of who you are. This is no time to be coy, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. Put your authentic self out there without shame. You’re worth that.

Don’t: Try to be Someone You Aren’t

On my dating profile, it mentions that I pair well with alphas. Alphas have an innate strength that can match my strong female energy without being threatened by it. Some people misunderstand the term thinking it simply means someone who’s aggressive and bossy. An admirer of mine once made this mistake and tried to bend himself to be the person he thought I was looking for. Well, that didn’t work.

Rather than maturely accepting that I wasn’t interested, this admirer looked for a work-around. We all get to set our own dating parameters and determine who we’re interested in. And we’ll all likely face some disappointment in the pursuit of love and relationship; I certainly have. But ultimately, we deserve to be loved for who we authentically are. Pretending to be other than you are is suggesting that somehow you aren’t already enough. You are enough.

Do: Be Honest with Yourself and Others About Your Truths

I’ve dated men with a strong self-awareness and men who lacked it. I appreciate and respect a man who knows himself and is honest about his truth, even when his truth isn’t what I might hope for.

Isaac was honest about his truths with me from the beginning, truths that set a limitation on what we could be. Yet, despite those limitations, twelve years later, our relationship has grown and expanded–an irony which couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t accepted him for his authentic self.

David promised me a life together. Then, he panicked (ironic in an alpha), leaving me devastated. I don’t believe his promise was a deception, but rather a lack of fully recognizing his own limitations. He still pops in and out of my life, but he’s exhausted any emotional trust–I’m now aware of his truth.

Some of the truths that I’ve been privy to: relationship/emotional limitations, physcial truths (i.e., disease, disability, etc.), sexual proclivities, living arrangements, and geographic limitations. There are plenty of other truths: a strong faith or lack thereof, politics, personality/character traits, etc. Truths are the areas where we have strong inclinations or realities that are inflexible. These are our places where someone must accept us as we are. What are your truths?

At this stage in our lives, we should have a fairly solid sense of who we are. If you don’t, then that’s an area worth devoting some time to; it will empower you going forward. Know your truths and be honest about them. This honesty will help you find better potential partners, and demonstrates consideration for the potential matches you meet. Honesty is the foundation of trust, and trust is an important foundation for relationship.

Final Thoughts:

We don’t create the algorithm, but we contribute to the community and the culture of online dating. We get to determine what we bring to the space. There’s grace in honesty and authenticity–let’s embrace that. By being genuine, we make the community and culture better.

If you’re doing your best to be your best you, then that’s enough. You are enough. Put your authentic self out there, so that you can find someone who sees and appreciates the true you. And likewise, be attuned to people who are authentic, and beware of those who aren’t. Be savvy, not blindly trusting, about recognizing other’s authenticiy, or their lack thereof. Trust is a gift that is earned with honest words and actions over time.

Good luck out there!

See the Videos:

Up Next: Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

For tips on dating profile photos see my series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Some Photo Basics; Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: More Photo Tips; and Profile Pictures: Tips on Taking Good Profile Photos.