hope

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires zooming out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them

/ blackbirddiaryblog

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”  Coco Chanel 

I’ve always been something of a misfit, or to use a more flattering term, unicorn. There’s truth in both terms, because to be so is to feel special and unique as a unicorn, but lonely as a misfit. Dating is hard enough, but this creates additional difficulty, because to be properly matched requires finding another unicorn, someone who speaks my language, who can both hear me and see me. Not everyone can. That’s a large part of why I date long-distance, to find a man who can.

While I have a definite type, more importantly, I’ve been single long enough to become a master of recognizing a special connection and chemistry quickly–it doesn’t happen often. In the past couple of years, I’ve come across such a man on Match about every six months. And like clockwork, I found one recently–right on time.

Our first phone call lasted five-and-a-half-hours. Later that night, we talked for another hour. Easily more time than I’ve spent on the phone with another person in a day. Evan is smart, talented, gracious, and funny. That first conversation he said, “We’re kindred spirits.” Indeed, we are. But, he has a truth that sets a limit on what we can be.

A relationship is whatever two whole individuals determine that their shared space can be. That shared space can be as expansive or as limited as those individuals allow.

Evan was upfront from the beginning that he “doesn’t see a long-distance relationship in the stars” for himself. I’ve been dating long distance for a decade now. I was disappointed but not surprised. For some men, long-distance is a non-issue. Others need to sit with the idea to discern their thoughts and feelings. And for some men, such as Evan, it’s a solid no-go.

The rub is that Evan is British, and before moving to the States to be with his ex, they had a long-distance international relationship across an ocean, yet a long-distance domestic relationship is something he’s taken off the table with me. Not the first time my love life has felt incongruous. It’s frustrating. But it’s been my reality, and while I can try to shift my reality, I can’t try to shift his truth.

I have to believe him. And I do. Some people will try and deceive you and win you over while pursuing their own agenda on the sly. Some people are simply vague. Some people are unsure of their truth(s). But if someone is good enough to tell you a truth about themselves that is disappointing, they are showing you the respect of being honest. Believe them. Evan’s truth isn’t about me; it’s about him and where he is at this point in his life. That he likes me is clear. But that’s not enough to override his truth.

I learned this lesson long before I got to Evan. Men have been telling me their truths since the first man I dated after my divorce, over a decade ago. Back then, I wasn’t as savvy. But I’m a good student, and experience has schooled me well.

A few of the truths I’ve been privy to:

  • I’m not ready for a relationship–Scott, 2012. True that. He was separated, not divorced; a recovering alcoholic; his stepson had died the year prior; his wife had cheated on him; he was in risk of foreclosure/bankruptcy; and he lost his job while we were dating. What the hell was I thinking? Scott is a good human being, but I caught him in a bad place. Frankly, I wasn’t in such a great place myself. He was the first guy I dated after my divorce. I was lonely and I’d been celibate for two years. Silly me, I tried to be the patient and supportive girIfriend. That didn’t work. What can I say? I was naïve, lonely, and horny.
  • “I’m not good with budgeting.”–Jack Ashe, 2013. Mmm-hmmm. Yet, supposedly he was a successful businessman and he always had money to spend. After a few weeks, some things weren’t adding up, so I did some sleuthing. Digging around, I discovered that he was a scam artist on probation. He’d even lied to me about his name. So I’ve given him a more apropos name.
  • “I am probably a poor match…”–-Isaac, 2013. Dear Isaac; he’s a special one. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives for over a decade, imprinting upon one another. My experience of him was the catalyst to start writing–the first time he dumped me, I bought a moleskine journal and began recording my reflections. A decade later, I have a manuscript (in perpetual revision); essays out for submission; and a dating blog. I’ve imprinted upon him as well. The morning after our one night of in-the-flesh-fornication, equestrian Isaac, perhaps a little distracted, was unseated when his horse started, resulting in a major concussion which still haunts him. With time, we’ve grown closer. Recently, he observed, “We have connection.” (2023) Indeed, we do. And yet, we’ve never been in an exclusive relationship. We’ve never fully matched. And he remains the ever-never-married bachelor. His truth stands.

I’ve learned to appreciate honesty, even when it’s not the truth I’m hoping for. I’m an English major. As such, it only makes sense that one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation. Yet I’ve been with men whose words were pretty but didn’t carry any weight.

  • You’re the love of my life.–Stanley, 2022. I’d broken it off with Stanley a few years prior to him saying this. We were compatible and had fun together. The words are lovely. I’d love to hear them from a lover who makes me feel that way. Stanley may have meant those words, or they may have felt true to him, but that’s not how he made me feel when we were together, and he had plenty of time to make me feel his truth. Instead, during our relationship, I felt taken for granted. He prioritized his ex, his sister, his friend over me. He didn’t stand up for me. It shouldn’t have been a competition, yet I consistently came in second place. His words didn’t match his actions. And that’s why I eventually left.
  • I want you here with me in Santa Fe.–David, 2021. David had a lot of words, all of them pretty–he’s a writer, a master of words, and for a while I was his muse. On our first date he gave me a key to his house and vowed to buy me a ring. Our connection and chemistry is strong. But he panicked. I’m not sure what he’s afraid of–The power of his feelings? Commitment? Making space in his life for someone after being single for so long? Ultimately, the answer is moot. What matters is that after all his pretty words, he panicked and threw up an impenetrable wall of silence. He’s taken the wall down a few times, but, ultimately, he rebuilds it. A few months ago when David came back yet again, I wanted to believe that it was for good, but I was rightfully wary. “No more wall of silence?” I asked. He guaranteed, “No more wall of silence.” Not surprisingly, the wall’s been rebuilt, and once again I’m left with The Sound of Silence.

Hollow words have no weight, no meaning. As an English major, I needs words to mean something. I’ve learned to appreciate it when a man’s words do mean something, even if they aren’t the words I want to hear. At least they’re honoring me with truth.

Stanley’s words were always hollow–promises unkept and words that didn’t match actions. I think David’s words were sincere, but he lacked follow-through. He wanted to be more than he was able to manifest. We talked of being shameless, yet I can’t help but wonder if perhaps his silence is his shame?

My friend Bob told me not to give up on Evan. Bob’s a dear beloved friend, but while well-intended, his messaging is misguided. Bob said that because he cares for me and sees my value. He’s seen me hurt and doesn’t understand why my relationships haven’t worked out to date. Frankly, I don’t completely understand myself, but so it is. And so I face my reality and Evan’s truth, and I don’t hold out hope for Evan to change his truth.

Unless he tells me different, I must honor Evan’s truth. It’s his truth to shift or not shift. Truths can change with time and experience, but I can’t count on that and I can’t hope for that. Hope is both a necessary and a dangerous thing. It’s necessary to avoid its nemesis, Despair, but false hope and hope unrealized, ends in disappointment. Better to live with reality and be cautious about where you invest your hope, for by deluding yourself with an untruth or a hoped-for-truth, ultimately the person you’re hurting is yourself.

Evan’s set a limit on what we can be, so in turn, I need to set emotional limits to protect myself. But within the boundaries of what we can be, I’ll enjoy Evan for whatever our connection is, not sulk about what it isn’t. For Evan is warm, and talking with him leaves me feeling like the sun has shone on me. I want to enjoy that warmth without setting myself up for the pain of disappointment.

But meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for that elusive man and connection who doesn’t set limits on what we can be. For ultimately, I want a man who sees my worth and opens his expanses to me. Every six months or so, I seem to find a good connection. I only need one of those connections to work out. I can hope for that, but I’ve also learned not to count on that. All I can do is keep trying. That’s all any of us can do. And best of luck to you in your attempts!

Up Next: Just Be Yourself, but be your Best You