I’m currently single, until I find a man worthy of reconsidering my status, but when I do commit to a man, I take that commitment seriously, prioritize it, and work hard to make the relationship work. All relationships take work and it’s important that both parties do the work of the relationship. Lacking parity, the relationship won’t thrive, and likely, won’t survive. I’ve uncommitted myself when the bulk of the work and compromising consistently fell to me.

Even healthy loving relationships have bumps in the road. Learning how to navigate those bumps in a healthy way is a skillset to continue to build on over the life of the relationship so that the relationship can continue to thrive.

I’m a reasonable person, but I’m also a very feeling person. Keeping these qualities in balance can at times be tricky for me, especially when an issue or conflict arises. Historically, I haven’t always dealt well with discord.

As a former painfully shy introvert and coming from a marriage that had conflict but lacked conflict-resolution, the idea of standing up for myself to the point of potentially alienating a beloved was a scary thing that used to cause me great anxiety. At times, it still does. I want harmony. I want to be in good relationship with those I love.

I choose my intimates carefully and would bend over backwards for them, and I know they would do the same for me. But I cannot bend to the point that I break. And I shouldn’t have to. Over time, lovers will encounter issues to navigate and conflicts will arise, it’s inevitable. I’m pretty easy to get along with, and I’m a loving and supportive partner when I’m in relationship, but what to do in one of these tricky spots? How to take care of self and partner when interests collide? Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Drama Should Not Be the Relationship Normal.

(Unless it’s something that both partners enjoy, and then, be careful of the children, please.)

My ex taught me this lesson well. He knew how to upset me, and he’d wind me up and pick a fight. Once I was engaged in the argument, then he’d tear me down. I was trying to have a relationship that he wasn’t interested in, a mature loving partnership, but he got off on drama and exerting power over me.

The verbal and emotional abuse was hurtful, and never being heard was frustrating as hell. Sometimes I’d find myself yelling just to be heard, but volume wasn’t the problem, lack of respect was. In retrospect, I can see that his need to exert power over me speaks to his own feelings of inadequacy, but it doesn’t make the behavior okay, and I won’t live in relationship like that again. Better to be alone.

Try to See Their Point of View.

Conflict arises from clashing points-of-view. We each come with our own interests, desires, and points-of-view. Of course we want our own interests to prevail, but that isn’t relationship, that’s power.

If you’re in a loving relationship with someone, then you’re interested in their well-being as well as your own. Try to understand what is motivating them and how the issue looks from their perspective. Hopefully they’ll do the same for you. Maybe in this, you can both shift a little and find a new shared perspective, or at the very least get to empathy and understanding.

Don’t Take Everything Personally.

This is hard one, but a decision or action that seems hurtful may have nothing to do with you. And sometimes people have issues or do stupid things or make bad choices that are hurtful, but that isn’t necessarily about you either. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but it does mean that hurting you may not be intentional even if it’s a side-effect. And remember, sometimes you have issues and do stupid things and make bad choices that are hurtful too.

Look to Your Friends who Have the Kind of Relationship You Seek.

I look to the model of my friends who have a healthy, loving, balanced relationship and have made it work over time. Single, this gives me a model for the kind of relationship I seek. In relationship, it models an example to help me navigate and grow the skillset I need to help my relationship successful.

Compromise is a Relationship Win.

Not every issue can be resolved through compromise, but in a relationship you have to be willing to bend for the relationship to maintain its balance, otherwise it gets lopsided. Standing strong may lead to standing alone, and at some point that may be the thing to do, but it is not the thing to do at every point, nor very often at that.

Don’t Talk When You’re Overly Upset.

Take time to calm down so you don’t say or do something you will regret. This will also allow yourself time to think and to find your wise mind—the place where rational mind and emotional mind meet. For more on wise mind: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/wise-mind

Find Your Wise Mind.

I find that the later in the evening it gets the less rational and more emotional I am. Perhaps, like a child, I’m tired. Or perhaps I’m just not at my freshest-best. Regardless, for me this is not a good wise mind time, therefore not a good time for me to have a really serious conversation if it can be delayed for another time.

Never Have an Important Conversation via Texting.

This is a never-ever. In fact, an important conversation shouldn’t be had via any electronic form for that matter. It’s hard to read tone and can lead to misunderstanding. It’s also disrespectful to your partner and the relationship to talk about something important via a casual medium. Give your relationship and partner the respect and care they deserve. Talk.

Own What is Yours to Own.

You can’t expect an apology if you can’t give one. Where there is fallout, take responsibility for your role and your actions. Be specific about what you’re sorry for.

Don’t Expect an Apology.

Apologies are to be given, not taken. A good partner should be able to give apologies when they are in order. If your partner can’t give an apology, that’s problematic.

In ten years of marriage, my ex never apologized to me. He only apologized after I kicked him out of the house, and then it was a generalized, “I’m sorry.” I don’t think he even knew what to be sorry for, he just wanted me to take him back (it was a means to a hoped-for outcome), but by then it was too late.

Put Sleepless Nights to Good Use.

As a sometime-insomniac, my insomnia visits me fiercely when I’m upset. On occasions when an argument has erupted, I inevitably pass a good part of the night tossing and turning both mind and body. My mind will race while my body is exhausted, the storm calming. I find that I actually do some of my most productive conflict-resolution problem-solving apology-forming type of brainstorming in this restless peace. I might as well—if I’m not getting any sleep at least I can try to solve the problem that’s keeping me up.

One Incident Doesn’t Define the Entire Relationship.

(Unless, of course, it’s a whopper of an incident or a weak relationship.)

Couples fight and disagree, this is normal, though it shouldn’t be the relationship normal. Committed loving couples find their way back to each other, they compromise, they apologize. Relationships aren’t always easy and peaceful, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is on the brink, bound to collapse. Tend to it and work to mend it, so that it can recover.

If You can Skillfully Navigate Discord in one Relationship, You can Learn to Apply that Skill-set to Other Relationships.

Arguments with my ex were ugly. If I tried to state my point of view, I was either stupid for thinking that way or the situation was turned around on me so that I was at fault, “I’m not the one that does that, you are,” was a common refrain.

Our arguments would become heated and often loud. But increasing my volume never helped him hear me, it only fed the tempest and gave it power. Our arguments would gain fuel from the debris of our relationship which got tossed around with tornadic fury, creating more devastation.

With divorce and time, I’ve learned to deal with my ex. I’ve learned to stay on-point. If he brings up a list of grievances he has against me, I ignore them and address only the situation at hand. If he throws a tantrum, instead of taking it personally, I realize that is who he is and I can’t change that—I stay rational. And if he gets verbally abusive, I disengage and stop communicating.

If I can grow that skill-set in a frictional relationship then I can learn to apply those skills in a loving relationship. If I can find my wise-mind with my ex, I can learn to better master staying in wise-mind with the man I love.

Don’t be afraid to try therapy.

All relationships will have bumps, it’s inevitable. But there are skill-sets to help navigate those bumps. Sometimes it’s helpful to get professional help with this. A skilled counselor/therapist can help you as an individual or couple navigate the bumps in relationship and give you think-abouts; give you a different and impartial perspective; and help you develop new skillsets.

It’s crucial that both partners are aware of the role of therapy. Therapy isn’t about declaring a “winner” of an argument, its role is to help you navigate your relationship in a healthy way. Ideally, the relationship is the winner, not an individual.

Before ending my four year relationship with Stanley, we tried couple therapy. One of our exercises was in empathy. We had to try to state each other’s point-of-view. He was unable to state my perspective without arguing against it and assigning motives to my behavior. This, despite the therapist intervening multiple times instructing him to only state my point of view.

Stanley was unable to admit the validity of my feelings and actions. His priority was winning. Ultimately, that was a loss for the relationship. He won the fight, but he lost me.

And sometimes, you need to find the exit.

If I commit to a man and relationship, I take that commitment seriously and do my part to make the relationship work, but I’ve found the exit when the relationship wasn’t working for me. If the relationship is unhealthy or toxic, it might be time to bail rather than continuing to give it oxygen.

We remove cancerous growths from our bodies, likewise, if a relationship is cancerous, consider whether you’d be healthier removing yourself from it. Here are some considerations:

Does the relationship make sense?

Despite our compatibility, there were myriad things about my relationship with Stanley that didn’t make sense to me, including his co-dependent relationship with his ex. I tolerated the situation much longer than I should have (that was a personal lesson in self-worth). If a relationship isn’t making sense, you might consider why you are in it, and if it’s worth it.

Is it a balanced partnership?

Do both partners have equitable input? Do you respect each other’s point of view? If there is imbalance, is it acceptable to both partners, or is there a rationale for the imbalance? I didn’t feel adequately heard or honored in either my marriage or my relationship with Stanley. For that reason, I’m no longer in either of those relationships. I give better, and I deserve better.

Pay attention to how you feel.

Is your relationship mostly satisfying with occasional bumps or do you feel unhappy/upset most of the time? In my marriage, the drama of the blow-ups, the ongoing dismissiveness, and the feeling of being unappreciated left me feeling unhappy and lonely (lonely, even though in a relationship). With Stanley, I regularly felt anxiety about our relationship. Ultimately, I got to the point in both relationships that I didn’t like the way I felt in the relationship, so I got out of them.

I value relationship and hope someday to find a man worth committing to, one who I can build a loving partnership with. And should I find him, I will gratefully put in the work of relationship. But until that day, it’s better to be alone and take care of myself, than be with a partner who does an inadequate job of valuing me. I value myself too much for that. If I don’t feel good in a relationship, why would I choose to keep being in it?

Final Thoughts

It’s normal for a relationship to have bumps to navigate. Maneuver the tricky spots with care so the bumps doesn’t get bigger than they already are, and do so as a team, rather than adversaries. If you can’t manage that, you might have to undergo some deeper reflection regarding your relationship. Good luck!