relationships

Dating Disappointment: the Fallout of Connection

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To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.

That recently happened to me.

We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.

The Draw

My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.

He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.

The Drawback

But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.

The Veiled Truth

Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.

Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.

Our Digital Nature

Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.

As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…

The Denouement

I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.

As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.

Dealing with the Disappointment

While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.

Beware Hope

It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.

Honor Your Feelings

For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.

It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.

Walk it Out

Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows that physical exercise has mental health benefits.

These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.

As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.

Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.

Write it Out

Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.

Research shows that writing about personal struggles also has a positive impact on mental health. No worries if you don’t have a blog–try journaling, start a Word document, or carry a little notebook around with you. That Word document could even be thoughts to share with your therapist–I do that.

If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.

Talk it Out

On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.

Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice (unless asked for). Those are the true friends.

Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.

Clean

Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.

Cleaning is an active task, inviting energy rather than inertia. Someone once told me that activity is the opposite of depression. That isn’t precisely true, but it holds some truth. Depression and inactivity have a strong correlation, and as I mentioned above, even small amounts of physical activity have proven mental health benefits.

Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.

Indulge in Things You Enjoy

While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).

Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.

Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.

Move Forward as You’re Ready

The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.

Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.

Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.

Final Thoughts

While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Take care of yourself, and good luck out there!

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Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)

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As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.

Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.

Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.

What Making Assumptions Looks Like

I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.

J

A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.

When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.

R

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.

At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”

My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.

The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.

The Youtube Comment

One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:

What motivated this video?
Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.

The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.

As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.

Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)

You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.

So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.

Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.

There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.

The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.

Seeing People for Who They Are

People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.

If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.

Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search

In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.

If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.

Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.

Observe and Listen

Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.

Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.

Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.

Ask, Don’t Tell

My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.

If you want to know, Ask.

I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.

Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior

Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.

Discern Over Time

The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.

When Someone Assumes Something About You

The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?

Call Them Out…

If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.

…or Leave Them in the Dark

If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.

Final Thoughts

By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.

As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: How do you Feel?

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A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you enjoy and are physically attracted to. When you do find a special someone, the two of you create a new shared space, a Relationship Dynamic, which is much more than the sum of two individuals. How you feel within that Relationship Dynamic largely determines your experience in the relationship. As a result, when discerning a potential mate, how you feel in that Relationship Dynamic is worth paying attention to.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. With time and experience, I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance. And how you feel matters too.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. If a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved–to feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Some Bad Examples

I’ve dated and been in relationships with men who I liked, though I didn’t like the way I felt in relationship with them. Remember how Kristin Wiig’s character felt about Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids? She really liked him, but she wanted more from the relationship than he did. And as much as she liked him, he didn’t treat her well. In the end, she recognized that.

Edward

Edward and I spent several hours over several days on the phone before meeting. We were getting along well, and I was excited about the possibility of him. For our first date, he drove to Milwaukee, where I was staying with a friend. Our chemistry was good. By the end of the date, he extended an invitation for me to cut my time in Milwaukee short and come stay with him in Chicago. A few days later, I took him up on his offer.

The chemistry was more awkward in Chicago, but Edward also had a lot going on. He was still moving into his new home, and on top of my presence, he had a lot of domestic projects to attend to. I did my best to be helpful and enjoy our time together as I discerned whether I fit into his picture.

Then came a clarifying night. We went out for dinner and drinks with his daughter and his friend Lucy. It was as if I was invisible. He barely registered my presence all night. It was clear to me that he was in love with Lucy, even though she was married. And I wasn’t going to tolerate being the next best option.

Stanley

I recognized and rejected being second place in Edward’s world quickly. That was partly due to my experience with Stanley, who I dated four years. We had a lot of potential together–we had fun; we were compatible; we had good chemistry. That’s a lot, but ultimately it wasn’t enough, because Stanley never made a clean break from his ex, whose shadow I inhabited throughout our relationship.

When we were in a relationship valley, Stanley sometimes said, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was at the time, I downplayed it–but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, his co-dependent relationship with his ex undermined any potential we had. It wasn’t just about our issues, but the issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

Admittedly, it felt gross. It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth and that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

Unhealthy Patterns

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my personal insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. Importantly, my relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

Kate

My friend Kate has had a couple of beaus who were flakes. She enjoyed their company, but when they made plans, she couldn’t reliably count on them to show up. They didn’t make her feel like she was a priority. And, of course, she didn’t like the way that felt. While that hurt, eventually she realized that she deserved better.

Breaking with Pattern: Some Good Examples

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship.

While my relationships with CJ and David ultimately didn’t last, they taught me how I want to feel and how I deserve to feel in relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness, a supportive partnership, and fun. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence. I aspire to such a relationship, and I want no less in a relationship.

As for my friend Kate, she’s moved on from flaky beaus. Recently, when a guy exhibited the same flaky behavior, she shut the situation down. She now knows her worth, and she’ll no longer settle for a man who doesn’t treat her accordingly.

Your Relationship History

It’s worth looking back on your own relationship history and doing a Relationship Autopsy to reflect on how you’ve felt in different relationships. This can help you determine if you have any patterns to address in your behavior or if you have any unhealthy patterns in your relationships that you want to avoid going forward. It can also help you recognize partners and relationships that were healthy and where you felt good.

How You Feel

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship is of profound importance as it’s the context you choose to live in and determines your experience. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel with them.

Things to consider when evaluating how you feel with them:

  • Are they peacocking?
  • Do they make conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue?
  • Are they judgmental or condescending?
  • Is there a lot of drama?
  • Do they seem controlling?
  • Do they reliably show up?
  • Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person?
  • Do you feel seen?
  • Do they treat you with kindness and consideration?
  • Do they make you smile and laugh?
  • Are you having fun?
  • Do you feel like a priority?

How do you feel when they aren’t around?

Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence too. I said this to my friend Evan, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he always felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

Things to consider when you’re apart:

  • Are they touching base in some regular way (e.g., texting daily)? Are you?
  • Are you both maintaining some healthy independence while exploring a shared relationship space?
  • If you’re dating exclusively, do you trust them? If not, why? If you have suspicions, are they reasonable?
  • What does your gut tell you?

Your Role

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same. If you want them to reach out regularly, make sure you do as well. And if you’re feeling neglected, make sure it isn’t because you’re being emotionally needy.

Final Thoughts

If you’re in relationship or dating someone who you feel good with, that’s precious.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Q & A: Sexual Desire

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A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:

I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.

To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.

Heterofatalism

It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.

We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.

Change in Sexual Desire

Libido is something that can change over time for both men and women. Age, shifting body image, and the longevity of the relationship can all be factors in a shift in sexual desire.

Age

There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.

Body Changes

For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.

Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.

Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.

Libido Changes

Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”

While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.

And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.

Self-Concept Changes

My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.

I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.

We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response. Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?

Long Term Relationship Shifts

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)

Your Sexual Desire

There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.

In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities. Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?

Your Romantic Partner

When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?

If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.

Final Thoughts

If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!

However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.

Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

If you have any comments or questions of your own please leave a note in the comments below or on my contact page.

Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)

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How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?

I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.

Joel

One summer in NYC, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.

Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.

I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.

Stromboli and Me

A few years ago, I watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.

That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.

If I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, my ex inevitably turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommy song, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.

On Being Seen and Heard

I read a quote on Reddit once that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.

I’ve met men who saw me more completely in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.

A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.

Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.

David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving end of. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.

It’s Not Just About Romance

I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though, like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.

Many years ago, I took Adaptive Schools training. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there’s evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.

The Death of My Ex

The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.

When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.

Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.

On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.

J

My friend J retired a couple of years ago, and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.

J said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.

I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“

He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“

“I never said any different.“

He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. J no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.

Final Thoughts

Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.

And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Beware–How to Spot Fake Profiles

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

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Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires Zooming Out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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The original date of this post is 2017. I’ve not only updated it, but in the meantime, my family has survived more blue holidays. On December 28, 2023, my ex, father to my children, died. The last day my boys saw their father alive was Christmas Day. Their father’s death will always color my boys’ holidays with a tint of blue.

Last year was my boys’ first Christmas without their father. My firstborn went to Hawaii with a friend and bandmate rather than suffer through the Christmas holiday at emotional Ground Zero. It was what he needed to do to get through the holiday. Conversely, my youngest wanted as much normalcy as possible. I accommodated and respected both of their needs. We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and be okay.

So, this post is for those of you feeling blue this season. I wish you the happiest holidays that you can manage.

Blue Holidays

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. 

A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas Day. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. One year, my boyfriend wanted to dine at the restaurant to be in proximity to me. He (naively?) came to dinner with a female “friend,” on Valentine’s Day, one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry, because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, acknowledging neither the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he became my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” inevitably turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then, there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. I prioritized myself and my needs, over tradition and social expectations.

What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they’re suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of Hope. We all need such Hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing; it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings, and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end, a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

P.S. I’ll be taking the next month off for the holidays. I’ll see you next year!

Up Next: Manage Your Relationship Expectations–Further Down the Road

Any Day can be The Day

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September 3, 2025: I’m reposting this on the heels of the anniversary of the day I needed to disrupt my status quo. I do so as encouragement to any of you that feel the need to disrupt your life and initiate change. You don’t have to wait for a new year. Any day that you need change can be the day you change your life. I now live beyond volumes, not bound by them.

I typically write posts several weeks out, and I write this straddling the cusp of the New Year. The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, not just the turning of the calendar page, but a new calendar altogether. And yet, I’m wary of New Year’s resolutions. Often, they seem to lack any real resolve, made because it seems to be the thing to do, thus becoming throw-away intentions that fade quickly. The reality is that we can make a revolution in our lives any day of the year; we don’t have to hinge it on an all-or-nothing one-shot opportunity that comes with a New Year.

Feeling Stuck

Back in September, I felt stuck. There were some things in my life that I wasn’t quite able to break free from, resulting in feelings of frustration and melancholy. Unwilling to accept stuck as my reality, I decided I needed to shake things up somehow, to manifest some kind of shift in my life.

I see my post-divorce life in volumes, mostly because my manuscript is Volume 1, yet my story didn’t end there; I continue to live it. Each volume’s been composed of different themes and lessons of life, love, self, and relationship. The volumes each represents a molting where as I evolve, I occasionally outgrow and shed the volume I’m in.

Volume 4 began with David. With him, I thought I’d finally found my Promised Man. Our connection was strong and immediate, yet, more than once, he’s retreated behind a wall of silence. What I thought was going to be a volume about Love and Relationship wound up being a volume about Resilience–about surviving the aftermath of our relationship and carrying on. Eventually, I started dating again and even made some other compelling connections, but none of them fully manifested in a romantic partnership.

Romantically, Volume 4 felt like the Universe was playing a nasty game of tease with me, like a cat toying with a mouse. A game of Wait (for connection), Hope, (that maybe this time it will work out), then Upset (that once again it didn’t). My romantic life felt like a ridiculously cruel joke, but I persisted–what else was I to do? Until, I decided to do something else.

Getting to Something Else

On September 2nd, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5. I had no clear marker delineating that I was in a new volume, only the psychic need for a new volume and to feel that things in my life could be different.

Casting back for rationale, I was able to pinpoint that my life was in a transitional phase and new things were happening–I had a renewed focus on my blog; my firstborn had moved to Boston for school; my youngest had graduated and was starting college. Their lives were entering new phases, and therefore mine was too.

I determined some guiding themes for Volume 5–Manifest (in the way I want); Liberate (myself from feeling stuck); and My Terms (a proactive stance, rather than feeling like I had limited control in my life). By getting into a new headspace, hopefully I could shift my life in the direction I wanted, and get myself unstuck.

Unfortunately, Volume 5 didn’t start smoothly. Within a few days of declaring Volume 5 and trying to maneuver into a better headspace, I became the recipient of unwanted and obsessive attention–I had an electronic stalker. That was unnerving enough, but I wasn’t certain how long his attention would be limited to the digital world.

I was rightfully concerned, but I was also mad. Life is hard enough, what right had he to intrude into my life uninvited? I contacted the police. Trying to reconcile this event with my attempt at a new and improved volume, I realized that while the event was undesirable and unwelcome, I took pride in how I handled it.

I handled it on My Terms. Though it was upsetting, I remained rational, reasonable, and gave it as much energy as I needed to and as little as possible. I didn’t allow it to control my experience nor my mindset. While it would’ve been easy to visit paranoia, I refrained from doing so. Eventually, after a visit from the police, my stalker desisted. We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them?

When Unwelcome Events Happen

On December 23rd, I heard a story on NPR about a tradition that Scott Detrow does with his friends each New Year–The Potato Drop. On a potato, they write with a sharpie things from the past year that they want to say goodbye to, then toss the potato out the back door at midnight.

Growing the tradition, they also get a sweet potato for writing things they want to hold onto or welcome into their life in the coming year. I love this. It’s not a resolution, but an acknowledgement of gratitude and an invitation to new possibilities. What a tangible way to be intentional about what you want to let go of that isn’t working in your life, and verbalize what you want to manifest in your life. I added potatoes to my grocery list.

On the night of December 28th, state troopers came to my door. This is not a welcome event. It’s psychically disruptive and discombobulating. My boys and I were informed that my ex, their father, had died in a car collision. Our world changed as quickly as the expressions on my sons’ faces.

We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them? The wound of my ex’s death is still fresh, but the scar of my sons’ grief will walk with them always. How will they walk with it? Despite their heartbreak, they’re bearing the tragedy with grace and maturity. How can I support them in walking this journey? Somehow, we’ll adapt to our new reality. We can’t change the reality of our situation, so on what terms will we meet it?

Meeting Our Reality on Our Terms

On New Year’s Eve, we did the Potato Drop–we certainly had plenty we wanted to let go of, but we also have things we want to cherish and hold onto, as well as other things we want to welcome into our new reality. How will we shape our new lives? And now, as I finish writing this on the other side of the New Year, I think I must be in Volume 6. Or maybe I’ve even broken Beyond the volumes? Liberated from the confines of a tome.

Volume 5 was full of transitions, both good and bad. Let’s see how those transitions manifest and what additional ones await. The unknown of my Beyond and 2024 is unwritten and full of possibility. What will I make of it? And what will you make of yours? What possibility or person do you want to welcome into your life? And what do you want to manifest that you aren’t already?

Claim the Day

If you didn’t make a New Year’s resolution or you’ve already unresolved, it doesn’t matter. In the Potato Drop story, Scott Detrow tells how over the years they’ve expanded their tradition, continuing to evolve it, including doing a Potato Drop at a friend’s wedding, not just at the transition of one year to the next.

Any day can be the day for a transition. You can change up and revolutionize your life any day of the year, be it January 1st, September 2nd, or any of the other 363 days of the year. You could even do it on February 29 of a leap year! Any day can be the day. And any day can be your day, even today. All you need to do is claim your day.

Final Thoughts

May you find the change, possibility, and person you seek this year, and if anything unwelcome comes your way, may you find the strength to meet it on your terms. Carpe Diem, and good luck out there!

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

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Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, Zoom Out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned