The Summary is an important part of your dating profile, yet neglected by a lot of dating platform users. This is a mistake, as Your Summary is how potential matches can get a sense of who you are and discern their interest. It’s your opportunity to get the attention of potential matches and to stand out from other profiles.

In my last few posts, I’ve provided some general tips for an effective Summary. In this post, I’m going to further guide you in how to craft Your Summary. Your Summary is about You. To that end, use whatever ideas speak to you to make the task easier, more approachable, and ultimately, more You.

The Process

If writing is an intimidating task for you, then start by breaking down the process into manageable steps. Get a notebook for writing down ideas and give yourself the grace of time. You don’t have to write a standout essay in one sitting. Walk through your day(s) and when you get an idea about what to write, make a notation in the notebook. When you’re ready with some ideas, you can sit down and draft Your Summary.

As a writer and blogger, I do this myself all the time. Sometimes the ideas don’t come on command. Sometimes ideas need the grace of time to ferment and come to fruition. I keep a notepad by my bed in case I have an idea when I’m half-asleep; I walk with a memo-pad in both my fanny pack and purse in case an idea strikes me when I’m on the move; and my blog draft just looks like a bunch of random notes long before it’s published. Take the pressure off and give yourself time to think about what you want to say.

Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

If writing is a task outside of your comfort zone, reframe the writing as a conversation. You use words in conversation all the time. With Your Summary, you’re initiating a conversation with potential matches. Imagine yourself walking across a room at a party to talk to someone who catches your eye, and then introduce yourself…

Content: Who You Are

When introducing yourself, you want to tell potential matches a little about yourself. The more effectively you can give potential matches a sense of who you are, the better you’ll be able to spark their interest. A man may have attractive profile pictures, but if I can’t get a sense of the kind of person he is from his Summary, I lose interest.

Who you are is more than what you do for a living, though that’s important too. Some things to consider talking about in Your Summary:

• Personality Traits: Are you socially reserved or extroverted? Are you adventurous or low-key? Do you prefer nature or the energy of the city? Would you rather go out, stay in, or strike a healthy balance? How do you go forth in the world? Tell potential matches a little bit about the kind of person you are.
• Family: If you have children, mention how many and relative ages (Are they young, teenagers, adults?). Orient potential matches to what your family life looks like (Do you have full custody? Shared custody? Kids away at college?) so they can get a sense of whether that makes sense with their own lifestyle. Do NOT mention your ex. Your ex should be in the rearview mirror and considering them as family is problematic for future relationships.
• Career: Share a little bit about what you do and how it’s meaningful for you. If you travel for work, work remotely, or have an unusual work situation (i.e., travelling nurse), briefly explain. By telling potential matches about your lifestyle, it brings them a little bit into your world and helps them discern if they can see themself in your picture.
• Activities: What are some of your favorite activities? How do you spend your free time? Scuba diving? Hiking? Volunteering? Skiing? Art museums/galleries? Reading? Live music? Sporting events? Preparing craft cocktails? Let potential matches know some of your favorite things to do so they can see how compatible you may be. If a man says he’s heavy into things like scuba diving and ice climbing, I know he’s working at a different speed than I am. I’ll stroll the art gallery with a glass of wine on a First Friday, thank you very much. But if a man says he’s equally at ease with dressing comfortably for a hike or in a tux for an event, my interest may be piqued!
• Travel: Do you enjoy travelling? If so, what does that look like for you? RVing? Backpacking? National Parks? A cruise? Cosmopolitan locales? Beaches? Mountains? Domestic? Abroad? A range of experiences? Paint a picture for potential matches of the kind of travel you like to engage in and the range of experience you enjoy.
• The Arts: Do you have a favorite musician/band or music genre that you prefer, or do you have eclectic taste? A favorite movie or genre of film? A favorite book or book genre? Do you like the visual arts, dance, theatre, or opera? If a man says he’s an opera fan, he’s probably not for me, but if he likes classic film, then we have a point of connection.
• Sports: Do you play sports? Attend sporting events? Watch or follow a particular sport? Have a favorite team? If it’s important to you, do tell!
• Interests: What are you curious about? I was recently involved with a man who had a job in the technology sector and was a CMO, yet he also had a deep interest in quantum physics. Myself, I’m attracted to human story across place, time, culture, and expressed through different artistic mediums. What piques your interest?
• Truths: Consider being upfront about any truths you may have and are comfortable sharing–places in your life where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time in determining your compatibility and can spare hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible. Examples of truths: strong faith, (un)willingness to date long distance, sexual proclivities, disease, disability, politics, etc. Share your truths in a neutral and non-judgmental way.
• Values: Do you have any core values that are important for you to share? In my profile, I mention that authenticity is important to me–that I offer it, expect it in turn, and that I won’t tolerate deception of any kind. I don’t belabor it; I simply make my point.

While personality, family, and career are basic information topics that you should address, you needn’t be exhaustive in addressing every category above. Rather, use the categories as a guide to make some notes that will help you paint a picture of who you are for potential matches. Focus on the categories that speak to you, as YOU are who Your Summary is about.

Content: Who You’re Looking For

If you have a strong sense of the kind of person you’re looking for and attracted to, that gives you an advantage as you sift through profiles. Likewise, if you name some of those qualities in your profile, it will help viewers discern if you might be a good match. Name the qualities in a match that are must-haves, but try to keep the list small. The longer the list of must-haves is, the narrower the pool of possibilities becomes. On my profile, I name that I need a man who can stimulate me intellectually and make me laugh. Those are essential for me. What is essential for you?

If you aren’t solid on the kind of person you’re looking for, that leaves possibility wide open, and that’s fine. However, if you’d like to discern and try to pinpoint certain qualities that attract you, look for patterns of attraction. Think about past relationships that were meaningful for you. What was it about your partner that attracted you to them? Do you see any recurring patterns across relationships?

If you’re still unsure, take a page from the aforementioned notebook and take notes on dating profiles that catch your interest. Try to name what it is about each profile that intrigues you. Do you see any patterns of attraction? If so, you can use that information to empower you in your search and in naming the kind of match you’re looking for.

By naming qualities that you find attractive in Your Summary, you allow potential matches to see if they might be a good fit. However, be careful not to let your list of desirables get overly long. A brief list gives clarity about the kind of person you’re seeking. The longer the list of desired qualities gets, the more it feels like a checklist of criteria that a potential match must measure up against, be wary of wading into that territory.

Likewise, when telling about Who you’re looking for, beware of the phrase, “You are…” While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches, it’s presumptive to tell someone who they are or should be. Rather, invite dialogue by asking who they are. For instance:

• What about you?
• What do you like to do?
• Does that sound like you?
• What should we do for our first date?
• Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?
• Now, tell me about yourself…
• But, I’d really like to learn about you…

Some patterns of attraction may not be essential, but may be worth mentioning. In my profile, I mention that I have a history of dating artistic/creative types and that I pair well with alphas. That doesn’t mean I date such men exclusively, but it does mean that if a man has no interest whatsoever in the visual arts or is reserved, then we’re probably not a good match.

Content: What You’re Looking For

When you’re looking for a relationship, there’s not just a Who involved, but a What. The What is the relationship itself, in particular, it’s the dynamic created by the individuals in relationship, the shared space of the Venn Diagram. What do you want that shared space to look like? Feel like? This is the What. By describing What you hope to find and create in relationship, you can draw the right connections in. If What you describe is attractive to potential matches, then you’ve got their attention.

Early in my dating journey, when I was still discerning What I was looking for, a friend recommended that I look for pictures of how I wanted relationship to feel, much like a vision board. It was a surprisingly fruitful exercise. As someone who expresses affection with physical touch, I began by looking for pictures of couples holding hands but found the pictures unsatisfactory. When I tried a search for couples embracing, I found the pictures much more satisfying, such as the couple walking down the street with their arms around each others waists, no vacant space between their bodies. That exercise taught me how important physical touch and proximity is for me in relationship. Someone who doesn’t express affection physically would leave me feeling wanting.

If you’re still discerning What you’re looking for in relationship, consider searching for visual images that match what you want to feel. Are the couples laughing? Holding hands? Are their arms wrapped around each other?

Think about your past relationships–What qualities about any past relationships made that/those relationships resonate with you? Are there any past relationship dynamics that you want to avoid as you go forward? I’ve been in past relationships where I haven’t felt seen, heard, or honored, with men who created a lot of drama. Nowadays, I’m carefully attuned to how a man treats me, makes me feel, and how he behaves.

Consider the couples you know–are there any couples who model a relationship dynamic that you find desirable? What is it about their dynamic that you find attractive? My cousin Michele and her husband Mike are an example of the kind of dynamic I seek. They’re playful, considerate, and supportive of one another. There’s always laughter when I visit, and they tag-team cooking the meal (While I watch and drink wine!). I’ve never seen them bicker or disparage each other, and I can’t say that of many couples I’ve spent that much time around.

Content: Additional Ideas

If you’d like to individualize your profile further, tell a story about yourself. Keep it light at this point. If you’re able to laugh at yourself and make it humorous, even better! Maybe a travel misadventure or an embarrassing moment? Consider teasing potential matches and piquing their interest by not revealing the end of the story, instead saying something to the effect of, “I’ll tell you the rest of the story on our first date…”

Or, tell about something that inspires you or that you’re inspired to do. Do you have a person you admire? They don’t need to be famous. What is it about them that you admire? Or, do you have a particular quote that resonates with you? Share it and explain its significance to you. (Make sure to limit yourself to only one quote!) Maybe you find inspiration in a place? Where is that place, and what about it inspires you? Are you inspired to walk the El Camino? Learn to play guitar? Master Portuguese? Tell potential matches What you’re inspired to do and Why. The explanation of the Why of your inspiration is where potential matches have the opportunity to see who you are.

Or, tell random interesting facts about yourself. Here’s an example from a profile I saw recently:

Random stuff about me…I return shopping carts, I am fascinated by the 2 ft. long printed coupons you get at CVS (Extra Bucks rule!), I don’t hog the left hand lane unless I’m passing slower traffic, I tip 20% or more but do the math in my head so the bill total always ends in zeros, I’m the DJ at my house parties, I walk on the curb side of the street with my lady, etc.

I thought it was pretty sweet. While I wasn’t swayed in his direction, he did manage to get my attention, and his profile was entertaining. What are some of your random facts?

Draft Your Summary

Now that you have an idea about what you’re going to write, it’s time to draft Your Summary. Remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation–You’re introducing yourself to potential matches. You’re going to walk across the room to that person who caught your eye, and say…that’s exactly what you write.

Think of the writing as simply organizing your thoughts and recording them. You can go back and proofread/edit later. Start by simply getting your ideas down. Strive for a minimum length of three paragraphs. Any less than that makes it difficult to convey a real sense of who you are.

If it’s easier for you to actually simulate that imaginary conversation than write it down, try using a Speech-to-Text app or software to record what you would say to that person when you walk over.

You can also break writing Your Summary up into manageable parts. I didn’t write the first draft of this blog post in one sitting, and you don’t have to write Your Summary draft in one sitting either. Write a little bit, then walk away for a while before coming back to it. You can even break it up into the same chunks (headings and bullet points) that I’ve organized this blog into if that’s helpful!

Myself, I’m not a fan of A.I., but it’s an additional tool that’s available to you if you aren’t confident about writing Your Summary.

Edit/Proofread Your Draft

It’s important to edit and proofread the draft of Your Summary. Your potential matches aren’t all going to be English majors, but you don’t want your profile to stand out for its spelling and grammatical errors. It’s worth taking the time to edit and proofread.

Read your draft out loud to yourself. This is something that writers commonly do to make sure it flows and sounds right. It’s also a good way to catch little mistakes you might not notice if you’re just glancing at the words across the screen/page.

Use software to help you get spelling and grammar right if you need to. Be careful with things like you’re and your. If you’re not sure, google it to find out. An English major I may be, but I still Google grammar questions with frequency!

Final Thoughts

The Summary is a crucial part of a dating profile, as this is where you have the opportunity to give potential matches a sense of who you are. Done effectively, it will get their attention and help them discern possible compatibility.

In my last few posts (linked below) I provided some guidelines for writing Your Summary. This post is meant to make the task of writing an effective Summary as approachable as possible. Whether you’re writing a Summary from scratch, or I’ve given you ideas for tweaking Your Summary, I want to empower you to have as much success as possible finding Who and What you’re looking for. Good luck out there!

Recent Posts:

• Zoom Out
• On Heterofatalism (and other Trending Topics)
• Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles
• Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

Up Next: On the Paradox of Choice

The Summary part of your dating profile demands more thought and effort than the rest of your profile as it’s an open-ended essay question rather than mulitiple choice. Because of this, many dating platform users neglect The Summary or don’t put much thought into it. This is a mistake, as it’s your best opportunity to effectively tell potential matches who you are and what you’re looking for. Further, it’s your chance to stand out and make a good first impression. Let’s make that happen!

In many ways, dating is similar to a job search. You want a mutually good fit, and there’s a process of vetting possibilites. In this analogy, your profile works like a resume, giving potential matches a sense of who you are. Just as you’d do your best to position yourself well for a professional opportunity by polishing your resume, likewise, you should optimize your dating profile. Envision Your Summary as an opportunity, not a chore. In the job search analogy, Your Summary is akin to the “Tell me about yourself,” part of a job interview. And, if finding your words is an intimidating prospect, don’t worry, I’m here to help!

Don’t: Mention Your Ex

The purpose of your dating profile is to find your next romantic connection. Leading with talk about a former lover/partner is a turn-off. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. Get to know potential connections, don’t tell them about past ones.

When I come across a profile where a man mentions his ex, I tend to pass him by. After all, we haven’t even met yet, why is he already telling me about his ex? I want a man who’s interested in me. With time, we’ll learn each other’s histories, but it’s not a good relationship place to lead from. If you dwell in your romantic past, you may preclude present possibilities.

Don’t: Use Clichés

Clichés are examples of unoriginal thinking. Simply put, they’re lazy. When I come across a profile with a cliché, I pass it by. I want a man who can think and speak for himself, not one who relies on others’ words to express himself.

You can’t stand out from other profiles by using clichés because by definition they’re overused. How many times have you read:

• I’m a glass half-full kind of person
  • To my mind, the other half of the glass is a legitimate truth not to be ignored. Life has rough patches. I’m not looking to date a Pollyanna but a well-rounded man capable of a broader perspective.
• Looking for a partner in crime
  • Really? Bonnie and Clyde didn’t end so well. No thank you.
• Looking for my last first kiss
  • At least romantic, but still unoriginal. And what about all the kisses after that? I hope it doesn’t go downhill from there.
• I’m not looking for someone perfect, just perfect for me
  • Aren’t we all?

Clichés are a sign of limited thinking. If you want to stand out, you need to find your own words (I’ll help with that!). After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking for ordinary–I’m looking for extraordinary.

Do: Be Original

You are you–what an elite experience! No one else gets to be you, just you. So, who are you? Share the special that you are.

To disentangle yourself from the cliché in your life, flip the cliché and follow your thinking.

You’re probably not really looking for a partner in crime, so what are you looking for? Adventure? Fun? A life companion? What does that look like for you? Rock climbing? Scuba diving? Bike riding? An art museum? Antiquing? Live Music? Fine dining? A romantic getaway? Backpacking? A roadtrip? Paint a picture of what you’re looking for with specifics of your vision so potential matches can clearly see you, and maybe even see themself in your picture.

Instead of saying, “I’m not looking for someone perfect, just someone perfect for me,” be clear–what does that look like? What kind of companion and relationship do you seek? How do you want relationship to feel? Don’t make it a litany of criteria that someone needs to fulfill, rather name the important overriding qualities that you seek.

Here’s the first paragraph of My Summary:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

It’s not a list of must-haves nor is it cliché, but it does give you the sense of the kind of man and relationship I seek. What and who are you looking for? Paint that picture in your own words, as only you can.

Don’t: Be Defensive or Apologetic

In the context of a dating profile, being defensive and apologetic are both reactionary. Your dating profile shouldn’t be reactionary to your prior dating experience, but proactive about the experience you want to have.

Being defensive is generally a passive-aggressive behavior. Not a good place to live, and there’s nothing to defend against with potential matches you haven’t met yet. Avoid being defensive.

Likewise, avoid apologizing in your profile. It comes off as weak and ineffectual in a situation where you don’t have anything to apologize for–you haven’t met these people yet. Your profile is a step toward meeting the right person. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to make amends.

Or, this example: “Sorry for no photos of…(i.e., being shirtless, bathroom/car selfies, photos with fish, etc.).” In this case, the apology comes off as a disingenuous attempt at humor. This is your first impression, sidestep the sarcasm. It’s okay to acknowledge the negatives of dating, but don’t over-dwell there. Instead, stay focused on conveying who you are and what you’re looking for and put out an energy (warm, upbeat, nonplussed) that will attract what you hope to find.

Don’t: Overuse Emojis

Emojis can be a fun way to add visual emphasis in casual written communication, but they have a limited capacity for conveying a message. They lack the nuance and specificity of words. Overreliance on emojis as a means of communication reads as unsophisticated and immature. Not how you want to present yourself.

Words are a more effective tool than emojis for expressing who you are and what you hope to find romantically. Don’t be afraid to find your words; you use words all the time. Imagine you’re at a party and someone catches your eye–What would you say to introduce yourself? Write that.

Do: Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

Many people find the idea of writing intimidating. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of writing Your Summary, reframe the task as initiating a conversation. For now, the conversation is a monologue, but done effectively, it will lead to a dialogue.

We use words to effectively communicate every day. You possess the skill of using words to communicate what you want to express, you just need to get them written down. By framing Your Summary as a conversation rather than an essay assignment, you make it a more approachable task.

Imagine that job interview where you’re asked to, “Tell me about yourself.” Now imagine that job interview is for a romantic partner. Focus on what you would say, then write that down.

If you still aren’t sure, break the task down into more manageable steps. Put a notebook on a table. Walk through your day with the idea of how you would initiate that conversation in person and what you would say. Whenever you get an idea, make a notation to help you get you started.

Once you have some ideas of how to begin that conversation, write a draft of Your Summary. When you’re done, walk away from it for a while. When you’re ready, go back and edit/proofread.

You use words all the time; the only difference is that you’re writing these words down. You can do this.

Don’t: Announce a Profile Update

Whether you’re relatively new to online dating and your profile is a work in progress or you’re a veteran (sigh) who may feel the need to revise over time, it’s normal to update your profile once in a while. When doing so, make the desired updates to your profile without drawing attention to the fact (i.e., writing, “Update:…”) or making an addendum set off at the end of Your Summary. Doing either of these reads as awkward.

In my years on Match, I’ve only seen one effective exception to this–a man who had an accident which paralyzed him, putting him in a wheelchair. He had a distinct before and after in his life. By bringing attention to his update, he was allowing potential matches to see the person he was before the accident and his new life since. Change is part of all our lives, but the very way he’s able to live his life changed dramatically. For most of us, it’s simply best to revise our summaries quietly.

Thinking of Your Summary as a romantic version of your resume, imagine that resume in an electronic format on social media, such as LinkedIn. When you update your LInkedIn profile, you wouldn’t write “Update,” you’d simply revise or add to your resume so that the changes were integrated without announcing that you were doing so. Handle Your Dating Summary similarly. Maintain Your Summary in a way so that it matches your current truth without broadcasting updates.

Don’t: Write a Disclaimer

If you have to qualify Your Summary with a disclaimer such as, “Please read with the humor intended…,” or, “…not meant to insult,” (I’ve seen both) then you’ve probably written something you shouldn’t have (They did.). What they wrote wasn’t particularly funny and, despite the disclaimer, was potentially insulting. They failed to manifest what they were going for (humor) and risked being alienating. Not everyone is going to be your person, but remember to conduct yourself with dignity and kindness. Those qualities go a long way toward being a good human being, regardless of the context.

Do: Relax

Frankie aside, even if writing isn’t your favorite thing or a natural talent, you can do this. Dread will only make the task more daunting. Don’t let writing Your Summary get the better of you, and don’t avoid it. Be yourself, and remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation.

Final Thoughts

The Summary part of your dating profile is your opportunity to effectively represent who you are and the kind of match you’re looking for. It’s you introducing yourself to someone who catches your eye at a party. How would you present yourself? What would you say? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

To make Your Summary as effective as possible, keep in mind the guidelines in my last few posts (past posts in this series are linked below). In my next post, I’ll give you more ideas for crafting Your Summary. Meanwhile, good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary

The Summary is a core part of your dating profile and too often neglected by dating platform users. Don’t make this common mistake. Your Summary is your best opportunity to showcase who you are and what you’re looking for. It’s your best chance to stand out from other profiles and draw in the right potential matches. If you’re serious about finding right connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously, using all the tools at your disposal to help you achieve your desired outcome, including writing an effective Summary. If the idea of writing a Summary is intimidating to you, don’t worry–I’m here to help you with that!

Your dating profile is akin to a professional resume; it should be both an honest and favorable representation of yourself. Much like a job search, with dating you’re looking for a right fit. In appraoaching writing Your Summary, envision the dating platform as a social event, a party, or a romantic networking opportunity. Keep these frameworks in mind as we go forward, using them to help guide you in how you represent and write about yourself to potential matches, with an emphasis on being authentic and your best you.

Don’t: Tell Potential Matches Who They Are or Should Be

This is a common profile blunder. It’s a clumsy attempt at explaining the type of potential match a user is looking for. While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches by saying, “You are..,” it’s also presumptuous from the standpoint of telling an individual who they’re supposed to be, with the implication that if they aren’t that, they’re somehow wrong.

You have a lot of potential matches looking at your profile, don’t incidentally alienate them because you’re painting a picture of what they’re supposed to live up to. Just because, “You are,” is a common profile practice, doesn’t make it best practice. Let me show you a better way…

Do: Say Who and What You’re Looking For

Instead of telling potential matches who they are, straightforwardly say the kind of match you’re looking for. Don’t make it an exhaustive list of a fantasy-mate that strays into “You are” territory, instead, name important qualities that you’re attracted to and hope to find in a match. This is the Who of what you’re looking for.

My own profile mentions that I’m looking for an intellectual man who can make me laugh, that I pair well with artistic types and alphas, and that I have a pattern of attraction for men of Mediterranean descent. I begin with the non-negotiables (intellect and humor), then mention some qualities that I find attractive but are non-essential.

We all have certain qualities that we’re attracted to. Figure out what qualities are most essential for you and name them–keep this list small. If you have some other qualities that are desirable or attractive, name them too, but frame them as non-essentials. The longer your list of must-haves and wants gets, the narrower the pool of possibilities, the less potential matches will be able to see themselves, and the more you limit your own experience by not being open to the beauty of exploring the niches of an individual. Try to be clear on the important aspects of who you’re looking for while maintaining an openness to the possibility of learning a new individual. You might be pleasantly surprised by who you find!

Years ago, one of the key things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that after telling about himself, he posed the question, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he really wanted to get to know me, rather than telling me who I was supposed to be. Stanley and I went on to date for four years.

Consider how you can invite the possibility of the individual in your own profile. Ask potential matches who they are, rather than tell them who they should be. Let them feel like you want to get to know them, not that they need to measure up to certain criteria. Remember the party analogy? You wouldn’t walk up to someone at a party and tell them who they should be, you’d ask about them. So, try posing a question…

• What do you like to do?
• Does that sound like you?
• Where would you like to go?
• What should we do for our first date?
• Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?

…or, simply state as part of Your Summary, “”Now that I’ve introduced myself,” or “Enough about me“,…

• I want to get to know you.
• I want to learn about you.
• Tell me about you(rself).

It’s also a good idea to be clear on the What of what you’re looking for. Match has a place in the Stats where you can state your Dating Intention, but it’s good to clarify for potential matches What you’re looking for in relationship as this is an area where it will be important to be on the same page. If you know what you want, whether it be a serious relationship or casual dating, be clear about that. If you’re not sure what you want yet, that’s okay, state that. You might have great chemistry with someone, but if you don’t want the same thing from relationship, that sets one or both of you up for disappointment. Information is good. It allows for people to make informed decisions. If someone wants something vastly different from you relationship-wise, you’re giving them the information they need to see that you aren’t in the same place.

Don’t: Be Gimmicky

Don’t be so desperate to stand out from other profiles that you go gimmicky. Stand out for who you are, not the gimmick you use. Gimmicks tend to come off as contrived. For example…

• The guy who wrote a list of things he isn’t instead of focusing on who he is.
• Pretend reviews, such as “One helluva guy,” KC Star...please show me or tell me why you’re a great guy instead of relying on a fictional review.

It’s okay to get creative with your profile, but in doing so, beware the gimmick. Instead, strive for authenticity and to be your best you. You are enough. You don’t need to hide behind a gimmick.

Don’t: Be Disingenuous

Don’t grossly misrepresent yourself in an attempt at humor. This is not only ineffective, but also comes off as both false and unfunny–not how you want to present yourself to potential matches. A few examples I’ve seen:

• “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON“–As a joke, not funny. If not a joke, even more problematic. And yes, he used the CAPS lock, really emphasizing his point. Not a good way to get attention.
• “not very good with money…I need yours and your kids [sic] piggy bank. Currently living under an overpass…My parents won’t even let me move back…”–That was as much as was visible to read without actually clicking on his profile. Needless to say (but I’ll say it), I didn’t click to read further.
• “Me: 16 kids (that I know of) by 5-6 baby mamas, gov. check clears by the 1st, double wide that only leaks when it rains, and good conduct voucher by my parole officer…” This was followed by one surprise and four crying/laughing emojis. He apparently thought he was hilarious. Did you think so? I didn’t.

Their attempts at humor were not only unsuccessful at drawing positive attention, but actively a turn off–the opposite of what they were presumably trying to accomplish. Better to not try humor at all than be unfunny. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not, even in jest. Just be yourself. You are enough.

Do: Proofreed

Did it bother you that I misspelled proofread? If so, that’s exactly my point. Every potential match isn’t going to be an English major, but remember to consider your dating profile akin to a professional resume–take it seriously and represent yourself well. You don’t want misspellings and grammatical errors to be the thing that potential matches notice about your profile. Proofreading doesn’t take much time and there are tools that can help you. You (and your match!) are worth the effort.

Don’t: Use Quotes From Other People

…or if you do, choose ONE that really resonates with you, and explain why. I’ve been reading the book Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit which has a tickertape ribbon of quotes about walking running along the bottom of each page, one page into the next. Eventually, I abandoned reading the quotes altogether as I found they distracted from the content of the book, versus a book which leads each chapter with a single focused quote to set the tone.

Don’t distract potential matches from the content of your profile (YOU!) with a series of quotes written by other people. Your profile should be about you, using your words, not hiding behind someone else’s. Using someone else’s words instead of your own is a passive move, not an assertive one. Remember to think of the dating platform as a party–you aren’t going to go up to someone at the party and start quoting a bunch of other people, you’d find your own words. Do the same with your profile. Think about how you’d introduce yourself at that party and use that as a starting point. You can do this!

Do: Tell Any Non-Negotiables and Truths

Be upfront and honest about your truths, the places where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time, and it spares hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible.

I’ve seen men disclose all kinds of truths on their profiles:

• Faith (i.e., “I’m looking for a Christian woman.”)
• Sexual Proclivities (i.e., the subtle, “I like to be in charge, if you take my meaning.“)
• Disease (i.e., herpes, MS, cancer)
• Disability (i.e., paralysis)
• Unwillingness to date long-distance
• Dating Intention (i.e., LTR, hoping to (re)marry, not looking for anything serious)
• No Rodeo Girls (a guy in Montana that wasn’t feeling it with the rodeo girls)
• Politics (i.e., No Trumpers)
• Children at home (i.e., a man in his sixties raising a young child)

I always appreciate it when a man is honest about his truths. It allows me to discern whether his truth is something that’s incompatible with my own truths or something that’s workable and/or a point of compatibility. As someone who dates long distance, if a man is clear that he isn’t willing to go the distance, I know to move on.

Years ago, I saw a profile of a man who disclosed that he had herpes in his profile. I thought his openness about it was a brave move. It was his truth and he was forthcoming about it. It’s a conversation that he would have to have with any serious potential matches, and he chose to be upfront about it. By doing so, he could be assured that anyone who did contact him found his truth manageable and was genuinely interested. No surprises on either end.

You don’t need to share all your truths, but consider what truths are non-negotiable, what you feel comfortable sharing, and what is important enough to save both you and potential matches time in discerning your compatibility or lack thereof. In doing so, make sure to say your truth(s) with kindness, not as if it is a failing if someone doesn’t match with your truth.

Final Thoughts

If you want matches to take your profile seriously, then you need to take it seriously as well. That isn’t to say your profile should be humorless, just that it should be given thoughtful consideration. Like your professional resume, it’s how you get your foot in the door and maximize opportunity. This is your first (and possibly last) impression. Make it count by putting your best authentic self out there!

If the idea of writing Your Summary is still an intimidating prospect, don’t worry! In a future post, I’ll guide you through how to craft Your Summary. Meanwhile, Good luck out there!

The original post in this series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Even More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

As a longtime subscriber to Match, I’ve noticed over the years that the most neglected part of profiles is the Summary. While it can be intimidating to write about yourself, this is a core part of your profile, and it’s your best opportunity to showcase your personality. This is the part of your profile where potential matches can really get a sense of who you are and if they might be interested.

Myself, when a man neglects this part of his profile, I move on. I want a man who has something to say, not one who struggles to find words. Don’t allow good potential matches to pass you by because you haven’t adequately addressed this part of your profile.

Think of your profile as your dating resume. Just as a resume represents who you are to a potential employer, your profile represents yourself to a potential mate. You want to stand out from the crowd, draw the right connection(s) in, and grab their interest– the Summary is the part of your profile where you can most effectively achieve this.

In the next few posts, I’ll guide you through some Dos and Don’ts of the Summary, as well as provide tips in how to craft Your Summary.

Don’t: Say You Don’t Know What to Write

…even if that’s how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. Your Summary is where you say something about yourself, saying that you don’t know what to say may be genuine, but it also reads as insecure. This is your first impression, maximize it. Think of your dating profile as a resume, a medium to show who you are, not a place to advertise your insecurities.

Do: Say Something

I continue to be surprised by how many profiles neglect to say anything at all, relying only on photos and stats to connect. This presents as apathetic–not an effective way to market yourself. If you want good results, you need to advertise yourself, giving potential matches a sense of who you are and what you’re looking for.

Alternately, I’ve seen profiles where the Summary space was filled with symbols and emojis in an attempt to use up characters. That’s gibberish and possibly worse than saying nothing at all. Think of the dating platform as a party where you have the opportunity to meet and interact with different people. Would you rather stand next to someone who’s silent at a party or someone who’s speaking in tongues? Myself, I’d walk across the room and find some different company altogether.

To follow the party analogy, use Your Summary to introduce yourself. Imagine that you see someone at a party that you’re interested in meeting. How would you present yourself? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

In a future post, I’ll provide tips for writing Your Summary. For now, if you’re unsure where to start, begin with a short paragraph about the things/people/values/activities/places that are most important to you. Or you can tell about one something in more depth. Or you can tell a story about yourself. Imagine yourself at that party talking to a potential match.

Don’t: USE ALL CAPS

WHEN I SEE A SUMMARY WITH ALL CAPS, I THINK, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

It’s so much softer to use normal text and a relief to read after extensive CAPS, don’t you think? I can only surmise that the people who use CAPS think it’s attention-grabbing, but really it’s off-putting. Avoid the CAPS lock.

Don’t: Complain

…especially about dating and profiles! By being negative, you risk turning off potential matches. Instead of leading with negative experience and poor taste levels, put your best self forward and articulate the kind of match you’re hoping to find. Should you find your match, you’ll have plenty of time to laugh about all the crazy profiles, characters, and dates you’ve been on before you found each other.

I’ve seen many versions of complaining, but none of them land well. Complaining at me about profiles that I didn’t write and dates that I didn’t go on is like telling me not to do things I haven’t done. It’s annoying. A profile with venting, rants, or a lecture isn’t going to lure anyone in. It doesn’t make a good first impression, and it’s a move that may preclude further interaction. This doesn’t mean your complaints are illegitimate, just that your profile isn’t the place to air your grievances. Complain to friends, family, your therapist, God, or a bartender, but not to the matches you’re trying to attract.

The only work-arounds are a passing comment (rather than a focused commentary) or the effective use of humor. In my own profile, I emphasize the value of authenticity and that being disingenuous is not okay in my world. I’m to the point and leave it at that. As to humor, I’ve seen some profiles that pull off a joke about a dating annoyance, but be careful–if it isn’t effective and potential matches see you as simultaneously complaining AND not-funny, you’ve sunk your boat. If you’re not sure you can pull off a light joke effectively, then don’t attempt. If you can make a light joke or a slight nod to an annoyance, that’s okay, but don’t let your frustrations overtake your profile, because ironically, once you do, you become a profile to complain about.

Dating is hard, and there’s plenty of bullshit that goes along with it. I have my pet peeves and annoyances too, but I don’t put a litany of them in my profile. Don’t let the wrong people take up too much of your energy. There are more wrongs than rights in dating, if there weren’t, it wouldn’t be so hard. Conserve your energy for right connection. Use your profile to attract the kind of person you want to be with, not rant about the people you don’t. You only need one person to be the right connection, don’t risk turning them off because of all the wrongs. The wrongs are actually doing you a favor by showing you they’re unsuitable–they’re saving you time. It’s frustrating that it’s so hard to find right connection, but it’s better than settling for wrong. Find a profile annoying? Just pass it by and move on…

Don’t: Rely on Your Friends to Describe You

In saying this, I contradict Match advice which encourages users to ask friends to describe them. That’s better than saying nothing at all. Match wants its users to have enough success in their dating experience to encourage platform loyalty. Users will generally have more success if they have something written in their Summary than if they don’t, and Match wants to make it as easy as possible for you to have a good experience, including relying on your friends’ input to write your profile.

For someone feeling intimidated and uncomfortable about writing their Summary, asking friends for input is easy and makes a somewhat daunting task more approachable–but it’s also a crutch, a passive move. Myself, when I see a profile where a man has to ask friends to describe himself, I skip on by. I want a man who knows himself and who can articulate who he is. Don’t allow good possibilities to pass you by because you didn’t put the effort into your profile or yourself.

Returning to the party analogy, Your Summary is where you’re introducing yourself. At that party, imagine that you see someone who piques your interest. You could ask a friend to go over with you and help you talk to them, or you could be assertive and go over and introduce yourself. The latter is the stronger and more attractive move. We aren’t in high school anymore.

We’re all grown-ups here, and we’ve all done plenty of living at this point. Hopefully, some self-reflection and self-awareness has come along with that. Self-awareness is an attractive quality. Pour that self-knowledge into your profile rather than relying on others. Remember, your dating profile is akin to your professional resume, and just as you would take your resume and job search seriously, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. 

I want you to successfully find the relationship you seek rather than be perpetually reliant on a dating platform, constantly seeking. To facilitate this, your profile should be as effective as possible, to aid in attracting the right potential matches and to stand out from other profiles–that includes putting yourself out there assertively so potential matches can get a sense of who you are. If this is still an intimidating prospect for you, don’t panic–I’ll have a future post to help guide you in writing Your Summary. You can do this!

Do: Be Authentic

Approach writing Your Summary as representing your true self as authentically as possible in order to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. This is your opportunity to invite potential matches into your world. The more thoroughly you can paint that world, the more inviting it is to the right connection.

Imagine yourself at that party, not just making small talk, not just trying to impress, but finding someone who you really connect with, someone who the more you talk to, the more you want to know–someone who you could talk to for hours. You don’t find that kind of connection without being authentic. By leading with authenticity, you enhance your chance of attracting the right matches and finding deeper connection.

Rather than using your profile as an attempt to impress, use it as an opportunity to make yourself come across on the page, like a well-written character in a book. My favorite profiles are when I can get a sense of the person and their personality. Even if they aren’t right connection for me, such profiles standout and are a pleasure to read, like meeting someone at a party and having a good conversation, even if they aren’t The One.

Final Thoughts

Your Summary is a core part of your profile, and it shouldn’t be neglected. It’s your best opportunity to represent who you are and to attract the kind of potential matches you’re seeking. Make the effort to show who you are and to stand out from the crowd. Introduce yourself and enjoy the party!

If you enjoy my posts and know someone else who might, please spread the word! http://www.blackbirddating.com

Up Next: More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary