Dating

The Preciousness of One

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At this point in life, we have histories. We’ve done a good share of living, learning, loving, and losing. Being single at this point generally comes with having lost a relationship, a partner, or a connection, possibly many relationships, partners, and connections.

Not too long ago, my friend Evan told me how, “…lucky I am to have been loved by so many women…” In saying this, he was expressing both a gratitude for being loved by those women as well as an appreciation of them.

While his gratitude is admirable, and I’m thankful for the men I’ve had in my life, to my own mind, I find his statement unsatisfactory. It doesn’t match the experience I’ve had nor want to have.

I’ve certainly been through my share of men. Each man was special in his own right, and while my romantic life has been quite the adventure, most of the men have disappointed me in one way or another. Sometimes the disappointment was simply that they didn’t stick it out with me. Other times my disappointment in them led me to move on. And sometimes, they were fine men, but the relationship dynamic was lacking, a different kind of disappointment.

My desire has never been to have a string of men and adventures, but rather to have One man to adventure with. Likewise, I ultimately want to be appreciated in the singular sense, not as part of someone’s plurality.

So, while appreciative of the men who’ve been part of my story, they’re no solace to me. With our endings, some of their luster faded as they receded into the multitudes. I continue to seek the man who’ll stand out from the multitudes, the One apart from the many. The One who I can count on and who bests the rest.

There’s a potency and preciousness in the individual that is somewhat diminished when they become part of a plurality. One is easily lost in a crowd.

On a different note, consider the tragedies of Gaza and the Holocaust. The scale of suffering and death in both cases are staggering to the point of being hard to process. The scale is overwhelming to fathom, yet the numbers and statistics have a sterility about them which emotionally distance us from the horror.

Numbers may outrage us, but the potency of those tragedies is in the stories of the precious individuals who’ve suffered and died. It’s the individual stories that move us. That’s where we connect, that’s where we understand, with singular stories.

When One of the multitude is seen and heard, it humanizes and moves us in a way that a number cannot. Think of the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List. Visually singled out by the red coat, amid the violent chaos surrounding her that’s so hard to fathom, She becomes precious to us, a story that moves us because she is One.

Each of the 6,000,000 European Jews who died was also One, but we cannot process the number of the multitudes as we can the One. We connect to the stories behind the numbers. It’s easier to relate to the singular than the plural. Spielberg knew that, thus the shot of the girl in the red coat.

Palestinian poet Mosab Abu Toha, recently interviewed by Scott Simon of NPR about his poetry and the devastation in Gaza, said, “…what the news is doing is depicting a list of names. If someone has his name on the news, he’s lucky to be recognized as a person with a name or an age. But what the news failed to do is mention that these people existed as individuals–people with their dreams, their hopes, their previous lives, their family relationships.” By being reduced to a list of names, the individual is lost, and some go unnamed altogether.

Each One individual is precious, and each One has a story. We write our stories and who we choose to be and what we choose to do with our preciousness. What do we strive for? How do we choose to manifest in this world? Do we go forth in Love? In Judgment? In peace? In conflict? Broadminded? Narrowminded? How do we impact others’ stories? Are we able to see the precious of the Other?

This takes me back to the question, posed to me a few months ago, On the Paradox of Choice–“What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” Where dating is concerned, the internet presents us with multitudes. Each profile represents an individual, and each One has a preciousness to them. We can choose to mingle with the multitude of profiles or we can separate ourselves from the pack and find the One.

That said, not everyone can be the One. Right relationship isn’t just about inserting a new person into your life, but finding One whose preciousness you see, who sees yours in turn, and with whom you have the preciousness of connection, recognizing that preciousness, and honoring that preciousness with follow-through.

For me, I seek One man. One right man who steps out from the multitudes, who lets me into his story, and who finds his way into mine, not just as an episodic adventure, but as a primary character. One man who, despite our mutual imperfections, sees the preciousness of my singularity and sticks it out with me, doing the work of relationship that we may enjoy the pleasures of relationship. One man who will Go All In and choose me, rather than receding back into the multitudes. One man who–like the song in A Chorus Line–sees my One1-ness.

And that’s where the preciousness of connection comes in. In singling each other out, you’re saying to each other, “You’re special and I recognize that.”

So, while grateful for the men who’ve been part of the adventure of my romantic storyline, when they fail to separate themselves from the multitudes and manifest a permanence, they lose some of their preciousness to me, for somehow the preciousness of our connection failed whether the failure was their lack of fully appreciating its preciousness, whether it was taken for granted, or whether that preciousness was somehow tarnished.

I strive to manifest an expansive, grounded, learned, and loving presence as I go forth in the world. I see my own preciousness, something I wasn’t always able to claim. When I feel that my preciousness isn’t fully appreciated by the men whose preciousness I’ve recognized, it grieves me. And dealing with the preciousness of those lost to me is too overwhelming–unless I allow them to recede into the multitudes.

When I become cynical about whether or not I’ll ever find the loving relationship that I seek, I remind myself that I only need One man to get it right with, just One. There are multitudes, and I only need One. That shouldn’t be too impossible, should it? I can continue to look for him or give up. I choose to keep looking.

Final Thoughts

As you go forth, remember that you are precious, and do your best to see the preciousness of others. May you find a connection as precious as you are. Good luck out there!

1Ironically, in contrast to the lyrics, the video clip of the song One shows the whole chorus line rather than having a single standout member. Gotta love irony.

Up Next: The Preciousness of Connection

Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

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If you’re over thirty and single, it’s likely not because you’ve never had a special romantic connection, but rather that the connections you’ve had miscarried for one reason or another. The fallout from such a miscarriage can be a complicated space to maneuver.

Scenario: You Walked Down that Road, but it Didn’t Work Out

Single at this point in our lives, we’ve all visited this scenario, yes?

When David and I found each other, I thought my days of searching were behind me, that I was done collecting stamps in my passport and had finally arrived at my destination. He said, “I’ve been looking for you so long,” and “I never want you farther than an arm’s length away,” and “I want you here with me in Santa Fe.” He made me feel like THE woman. And yet, as you may infer from the heading, it didn’t work out.

Some part of David panicked about commitment. He came back a few times, but, inevitably, he always panicked and disappeared. At some point, he asked if we could be friends. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to be just another ex-girlfriend who’d shifted into the “friend” category. That would’ve devalued the power of our connection. And frankly, I couldn’t emotionally handle being “friends” with a man I loved so deeply. As emotionally difficult it was, it was easier to extricate him from my life altogether.

Damon and I only had two dates, but with long distance, you don’t bother going on a second date unless there’s some compelling chemistry on the first. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), he played peekaboo with my Match profile for several months after our second date, looking silently but not actively engaging with me. He clearly liked me, but also had reservations.

A little over a year after our second date, Damon finally stopped playing peekaboo At that point, it was a relief. As long as he played peekaboo, it kept the flame of little-h hope alive, a wistful place to live. When he finally disappeared, it made it easier to face the reality that We weren’t going to happen.

With both David and Damon, if We weren’t going to work as a couple, it was emotionally easier to not interact with them at all.

Yet with Stanley, who I dated for four years, I’ve managed stay amicably connected. Why can I manage maintaining contact with him versus David and Damon? Perhaps with Stanley, it’s as simple as I’m the one who called our relationship off, so I’d already made peace with no longer being an Us. On his end, I think he initially held out hope we’d reconcile. Now, he’s remarried, so that hope’s in the rearview mirror, yet he still seems able to comfortably interact with me without the hope or expectation that we’ll ever be more than we currently are.

With some men who I’ve been romantically involved with, I’m able to handle maneuvering the tricky space of our post-romantic connection and with others, I can’t. Likewise, I’ve had men that post-romance couldn’t handle maneuvering that space with me. And that’s fine. It’s a tricky space to maneuver.

When faced with these tricky spaces, we each need to find what we can handle; what we’re comfortable with; and what, within reason, we want to, and are willing to, make of that space. Most importantly, how can we make that space an emotionally healthy place to inhabit? If we can’t, we may need to abandon that space altogether.

Scenario: The Chemistry is Strong but Relationship Doesn’t Manifest

This is a scenario that I’ve recently been struggling with in my own life.

I became acquainted with Evan over a year ago. He lives in Florida and, from the beginning, made clear that he didn’t see a long distance relationship “in the stars” for him. Despite that, he was taken enough with my Match profile that he felt compelled to get to know me. Our first phone conversation lasted four and a half hours. The words between us flowed easily. He said that we’re “kindred spirits.” We clicked.

On my end, I found (and continue to find) Evan attractive on many fronts–he’s tall and good-looking; he’s stimulating conversation; he’s compassionate and considerate; he’s successful and ambitious; he comes with a great (British) accent, and he’s the one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel appreciated. He makes me feel cared for. He’s the kind of man I seek as a life partner. And while I’m grateful for our connection, it’s always been bittersweet for me–the sweetness of our connection coupled with the bitterness of the limits he’s imposed upon it.

Of late, as sweet as Evan is, the flavor I’m left with is bitter. The feelings have become too hard. Why now? It’s complicated.

Perhaps it’s because the flirting’s taken a heavier turn than it has in a long time, stirring up my emotions and desire–something I can’t afford to do when the signage on the road to him reads “Dead End.”

Or maybe, as a “friend” with chemistry, I’ve surpassed my threshold of tolerance for hearing about the women he’s dating.

Maybe it’s that he’s recently mentioned dating possibilities with women out-of-state, but retains his no-long-distance limits with me, suddenly making his lifestyle choice seems more like a personal rejection. At this point in my life, that doesn’t sit well with me.

And frankly, the juxtaposition of hearing about other women; having limits enforced on our relationship; yet simultaneously being sexually enticed is, well, emotionally discombobulating.

In all of this, of course, I recognize feelings of jealousy, and I don’t like feeling that way. I want Evan to be happy, but right now, I’m unable to bear witness to that happiness regarding other women. It’s a tricky emotional space to maneuver. Too tricky for me right now.

So, what to do when you’re feeling tricky emotions? Create emotional distance as you’re able and set boundaries to take care of yourself.

For me, that means that I need to step back from our relationship for now. I need to take some time away from him to allow my emotions to calm. And as long as there’s “Dead End” signage for me on the road to him, I need to set my own boundaries (i.e., no heavy flirting) to be able to comfortably live with his limits. I need to find new ways to maneuver in this relationship, because The Way We Were isn’t working for me anymore. Our relationship isn’t just on his terms, but also on mine.

And yet, conversely, there’s Isaac. He’s been in my life for over a decade now. Our chemistry and connection are strong, yet it also come with limits. Isaac’s limits. With time, I’ve learned to negotiate those limits in a way that I’m struggling to with Evan right now. I can indulge the heavy flirting with Isaac in a way I’m currently unable to with Evan.

What’s the difference? Time, perhaps. Or maybe different relationship histories and origin stories. But ultimately, each relationship has its own unique dynamic and what works to maneuver one connection successfully might not work for another and might not work consistently across time. Find your comfort zone for each unique connection and across time.

Scenario: The Interest is One-Sided

In this scenario, there’s an imbalance in the level of interest. One person has romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated–the “unrequited love” of literature. But if it’s not requited, is it really love or simply a crush?

With Pierre, while I was intrigued enough to get to know him, I soon realized I didn’t feel the chemistry of romance. When I expressed this to him, he wanted to stay in touch, to “be friends.” We continued to talk for a while, but he began to push at the limits I set, as if I could be convinced to have feelings for him. When he was unable to accept my limits without trying to push beyond, I had to go from being friendly to curt, in order to make my point.

I met Keith walking on the trail near my house. Our acquaintance began as simply a smile of recognition. One day, he broke the ice and we started talking. Eventually, we become walking buddies. I liked Keith, but never felt any romantic chemistry with him. One day, he asked if he could kiss me. Politely, I declined. I valued our connection, but desired nothing more than friendship with him. He accepted that, and we remained friends. He’s now married to someone who suits him much better than I ever could have.

In the case of men who I don’t feel romantic chemistry with, I’m careful not to flirt with them whatsoever, for if you don’t have romantic inclinations for someone, it’s unfair and unkind to flirt and lead them on. To flirt where you lack intention or desire is about ego and game-playing. We’re not in high school anymore, and we should be beyond such behavior.

Maneuvering

This past summer, I went on a date with a birder. From him, I learned many interesting things about birds, including that birds who live in forests tend to have long tail feathers for quick and precise maneuvering among the trees. Birds who live in open spaces tend to have shorter tails, as they have no need for such maneuvering. This strikes me as a good analogy for different kinds of relationships.

Our easier, more straightforward relationships are the open spaces where we can soar and freely explore the expanses. No deft maneuvering required, no “Dead End” signs.

The forest is full of trees to maneuver around, obstacles to straightforward flight. Obstacles are the limits and complications in our relationships, the tricky bits. It takes skill to maneuver in these spaces, sometimes more skill than we may possess.

In maneuvering your complicated relationships, the key is being respectful of others whilst also taking care of yourself, whether you’re establishing limits for yourself, abiding by someone else’s limits, or working within the limits of the situation.

Considerations for maneuvering your complicated relationships include: the value of the person/relationship to you; what limits you’re comfortable with; what limits you may need; how you feel; whether or not any emotional discomfort is manageable (and worth the discomfort); whether you feel able to maneuver the tricky spaces; and if you need to create emotional distance or potentially remove yourself from the relationship altogether.

Scenario: You’re In a Relationship

When you’re in a committed relationship, that person should be the priority, and it’s your job to ensure that they feel they are. To that end, consider whether you need to put additional limits on any complicated relationships that you have. If the person you’re in relationship with feels justifiably threatened or jealous, you risk the relationship and losing your person.

For me, that means that when I’m in a committed relationship, I establish boundaries on any flirtatious activity outside of that relationship, such as with Isaac. I don’t sever the connection, nor do I go silent, I simply pull back from flirtation. When in a relationship, I save the flirtation for the man who offers me expanses, not the one who imposes limits.

Final Thoughts

There are many scenarios that can make a relationship complicated and tricky to maneuver, and each relationship dynamic is unique. Find your comfort zone where you can remain emotionally healthy within each of your complicated relationships, and remember that what that comfort zone is may change with time.

Take care of yourself and good luck maneuvering out there!

Up Next: The Preciousness of One

Processing Relationship Dynamics

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I’ve been thinking a lot about Relationship Dynamics lately. My last post, Going All In (inspired by an ongoing conversation I’ve had with my friend Jeff) addresses the importance of discerning your Relationship Dynamic before leveling up your relationship. However, I’ve also been thinking about Relationship Dynamics as I process my last two connections, both of which seemed promising going into the date, yet were ultimately disappointing in ways which surprised me.

Relationship Dynamic Defined

A Relationship Dynamic is the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. It’s a creative space that can be whatever the two individuals who come together choose to make of it. It’s a unique space, because no two other individuals share that exact same space. “Dynamic” references how energy manifests, and each relationship has an energy. What that energy looks like and feels like is determined by the individuals in the relationship.

Though this blog is devoted to dating and romantic relationships, ALL relationships have dynamics, not just romantic relationships. My Relationship Dynamics are different with my mother than with my father, because they’re different people. I have a different Relationship Dynamic with my cousin-friend Michele than with my friend Ed. I have different Relationship Dynamics with each of my sons, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Consider the different Relationship Dynamics at play in your life and the different energies in your relationships. What are you bringing to those dynamics?

When considering a romantic Relationship Dynamic, there are several factors to think about:

  • What is the energy level of that space–Energetic? Lethargic? Low-key?
  • What is the physical chemistry of that space–Stimulating? Tactile? Electric? Cold? Hot?
  • How does that space feel–Safe? Unsettling? Tense? Calm? Aloof? Exciting? Boring? Lonely? Fun?
  • Does that space make sense to you? If not, why?
  • Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space? If not, that’s problematic.

That space can be many things. In a romantic relationship, I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy, and exciting. What is that space to you? What do you want it to be?

Discernment of the Individuals

Though carefully discerning a potential match before going on a date is always important, as I date long distance, it’s all the more imperative for me. I’m neither going to put my safety at risk, nor waste my time and expense travelling, unless I have a good sense of the man I’m meeting and that he’s worth the time, money, and effort involved. He must be compelling enough for me to want to explore the possibility of Us and the Relationship Dynamic that we create, despite the challenge of distance.

To that end, before my last two dates, I did a Google search to ensure the men were who they represented themselves to be. That was easy enough as they’re both successful individuals, one even something of a celebrity in his field.

As much as possible, I also discerned the type of men they were and whether they were each a connection worth exploring from our interactions on the Match.com platform, and afterward through our phone conversations and text exchanges. Hours were spent on the phone before plans were ever made for a date. One day alone, I spent over four hours on the phone with R.

I liked them; I was attracted to them; I was intrigued by them. They’re both intellectual, worldly, perceptive, stimulating, and funny–rather dry wits, as they’re both British. All systems said, “Go for it!” So we did. In each case, we arranged for a date.

The Relationship Dynamics…

…were frankly disappointing. And that, after ample vetting and discerning.

With the added dimensionality of sharing the same physical space over time, both men revealed themselves to be condescending. (I don’t put this down to them being British. I’ve had this problem with plenty of American men as well.). The Relationship Dynamics were out-of-balance.

The condescension manifested in different ways with each of them. P had a tendency to mansplain, while R was angry and confrontational. With the former, the shared space felt didactic. With the latter, it felt like a debate which I was inadequately prepared for, lacking hard data and a bulleted list of talking points ready to go.

And what did I bring to the dynamic? I’m a confident woman, but I’m also an empath and a lover. I’m both strong and soft. I went on these dates to connect but felt the disconnect. I’m confident enough to own my intellect, as well as its limits. I welcomed their knowledge and experience, yet felt my own was discounted. The empath in me attempted to see their point-of-view, but this attempt went unreciprocated.

In both cases, the condescension was unexpected and with R it was so intense as to be discombobulating. I tried to give grace, but was allowed little in turn. I tried to stand up for myself while being verbally pummeled by R, but felt that I did so inadequately.

Perhaps that’s for the best, as it may have only further fueled R’s rage, a rage which I didn’t trigger, but nevertheless became the outlet for. We were supposed to be trying to play on the same team, but somehow our time together morphed into a competition which I had no desire to engage in and did my best to deflect. Ultimately, no one won in that scenario.

Processing Relationship Dynamics

I certainly had a lot to process after these dates. And that’s my entire point. I’ve been at this dating gig for a long time, I know what I’m doing, and yet there are still plenty of curve balls and always new things to learn. That’s because each person is a unique individual, as is each Relationship Dynamic.

To that end, it’s important to be mindful of what you’ve already learned from past relationships and experience; to pay attention in real time to the information a potential match is giving you through their words and actions; and to continue to grow and learn yourself through new experiences.

As to my experiences with P and R, I found myself revisiting lessons that I’d already learned. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes the knowledge and memory of a lesson learned isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to reexperience it to solidify the lesson, to practice the lesson again in real time. Just as with anything–from yoga to Italian to guitar–the more you practice and review with proper attentiveness, the more mastery you attain.

Here I share some of my processing with you as an example of that continued growth and learning. As I process, I learn what I can from their behavior, from my behavior, and from our dynamic in that shared space. And while we can glean insight from other’s behavior that may serve us in the future, it’s our own behavior that we need to focus on, because that’s the only thing we have agency over in the shared space of relationship.

Knowing Yourself and What You Bring to the Dynamic

Processing in reflection with time is a strength of mine. I’m good at turning things over in my head and examining situations from different perspectives. This in turn, gives me insight into a situation and the behavior of people involved, including myself. The more temporal and emotional distance I have from a situation, the more perspective I can get.

Over time, I’ve improved at thinking on my feet in the moment, but this isn’t where my natural talents lie. I’m particularly aware of this when I’m put on the spot, as I was with R, who was raring for a debate.

With this knowledge of myself, of my intellectual strengths and weaknesses, when I reflect on my time with P and R, I recognize that I gave them grace by not calling them out on their condescending behaviors. Perhaps that was overly soft of me, yet I do want to be as grace-giving as I reasonably can, and if they aren’t able to allow grace in turn, that’s more of a reflection that our shared space is not somewhere I can thrive.

For instance, when I took P to an Indian restaurant where I worked for several years in college (a fact he was aware of), he remarked on a traditional clay oven that was in the hallway saying, “That’s called a tandoor.” Now, a person doesn’t work at an Indian restaurant for six years without knowing that a traditional clay oven is called a tandoor. I looked at him kind of funny as I processed in the moment…Was he not connecting the dots? This would be giving him the grace of it slipping his mind that I worked here, and that of course I would know it was called a tandoor. Or, Did he really think I was that clueless?

Thinking quickly (Not my strength, but I did my best.), I considered possible responses. I could get defensive (passive-aggressive). I could call him out on his condescension (assertive or aggressive depending on how I did it). I could make a joke and laugh it off (potentially avoidant, depending on how I handled it). But I opted for simply saying, “Yes, I know,” in an affirmative tone, no sarcasm, no passive-aggression, no aggression, simply owning my knowledge. Did I stand up for myself? Yes, but not in a loud manner.

Though R was more verbally aggressive, I conducted myself similarly. I’m sure at times he could tell that I was annoyed or frustrated. If I disagreed, I’d say so, though not in an argumentative way, rather, simply offering that I had a different point of view, and also that I appreciated hearing his perspective and that he gave me something to think about. But sometimes, it was simply easier to not engage with his argument.

Insights on the Dynamics

One night at dinner with R, I mentioned that I’ve had a fairly lonely life– I was a misfit growing up; I was unhappily married; I’ve been single for fourteen years…plenty of lonely. Only he never heard my story or examples, he cut me off at “I’ve had a fairly lonely life–,” replying that I don’t know anything about being lonely, that I haven’t wandered in the wilderness for three days without talking to another human being, as he had. And no, I haven’t. But there’s a spectrum of lonely. Lonely isn’t one thing; there are many faces to it. He discounted my point-of-view. He discounted me.

I could’ve stood up to R on this point, but instead I let it go. Reflecting at the airport after the date, I regretted that I hadn’t stood up for myself more, in this instance and some others, but with the further distance of time and emotion, I wonder what good would it have done? Would he have seen me? I doubt it. Was it worth fighting to be seen by someone who’d put on blinders to me? Probably not.

Perhaps if I’d thought to go meta, to ask Why we were discoursing this way, it might’ve been a more conducive approach. This is the best rearview mirror option I can think of to honor the woman I strive to be–strong, authentic, and loving. Perhaps it’s an idea worth noting for the future, but it didn’t occur to me in the moment, and ultimately, it wasn’t going to save anything.

There’s a part of me that still wishes I’d stood up for myself more, but that’s me still coming to terms with and making peace with who I was and what happened in those Relationship Dynamics. I’m reminded of some of my mantras, previous lessons that these recent experiences have me revisiting, “Stand up for yourself in your relationships” and “Don’t give your power away…and don’t abuse it,” come to mind.

And yet, I don’t like being put in a position where I have to stand up for myself. Certainly, that’s not where I want to live in a romantic Relationship Dynamic. Rather, I want a dynamic where I’m seen, heard, honored, and respected. A space where we can disagree in a discussion without it being a debate. Somewhere that I don’t need to stand up for myself, because I’m not put in that position. A place where we’re on the same team, not in competition with one another.

While I certainly have feelings about how P and R conducted themselves, I reflect on my behavior within the Relationship Dynamic rather than perseverating on theirs, because that’s where my control lies. I have agency, but only over myself. The only part of the dynamic within my control is my own behavior so, to evolve toward better, I need to own what is mine to own and learn from it. But in doing so, I need to be careful not to own what isn’t mine, and learn from that as well.

And what can I learn from what isn’t mine to own? I can remember some of my Relationship Values: Do I feel seen and heard? Does it make sense? How do I feel? And in that respect, the Relationship Dynamics with P & R weren’t right. And that’s about the space created by both of us, not just me.

And What About You?

How are your Relationship Dynamics? What do you have to process? How do you process them?

Are you good at thinking quickly in the moment and responding to relationship curveballs in real time? Do you need time to process Relationship Dynamics to learn from them?

Do you process the dynamics with intention? Do you Zoom Out to look at the dynamics from different perspectives? Do you try to understand where potential matches might be coming from?

Are you mindful of your strengths? Your weaknesses?

Are you considerate of potential matches in that space? Do you take care of yourself in that space? Are you able to be the person you strive to be in that space? Do you own what is yours to own? Are you careful not to own what isn’t yours to own?

Do you remember and revisit the lessons you’ve already learned?

Do you pay attention to whether the shared space makes sense? Whether you feel seen and heard in that space? How that shared space feels?

Ultimately, my hope is that the story of how I’ve processed some of my recent Relationship Dynamics is useful to you as you think about how you process your own Relationship Dynamics. If you feel affirmed in your own processing skills, fantastic! If I’ve given you some ideas to stretch your thinking and get new perspective, that’s growth-oriented and a rewarding journey to be on. Either way, you’re doing great!

Final Thoughts

The Relationship Dynamic of each relationship, romantic or otherwise, is unique. It’s dependent on what the two individuals in relationship bring to that shared space. You can only control what you bring to that space and do your best to discern whether a particular Relationship Dynamic is a space where you can thrive as an individual. May you find and inhabit such a space.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

Going All In

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In my last post, I addressed the Paradox of Choice regarding online dating and how the paradox is as real or unreal as a dating platform user chooses to make it. If you’re truly seeking a romantic partnership, then it’s up to you to recognize when you’ve found the kind of match you’re looking for and act upon that. Going All In is about making a commitment to that person.

Discernment

Even if your ultimate goal is a committed romantic relationship, it’s obviously not a great idea to jump headlong into relationship without some thought and reflection. I refer to this process as Discernment.

Discerning the Individual

One type of Discernment is at the level of the individual. Do you find them attractive? Interesting? Do you have points of commonality? Similar visions? You can discern the answers to these questions both by looking at an online profile and through conversation. Yeses are an encouragement to move forward. Any noes should give you pause.

Do Your Research

Part of the Discernment process and getting to know potential matches should include verifying who they are and ensuring there are no red flags. Be reasonably cautious and skeptical as part of your initial discernment. Do a Google search to make sure they are who they say are, so that you’re neither putting yourself at risk, nor blindsided with a nasty surprise later. Have they declared bankruptcy before? Been married multiple times? Do they have a criminal arrest record? Is there a protection order against them? Don’t assume anything. Sketchy characters try to pass as people with good character.

Are they hard to find information about online? That’s an unusual circumstance anymore and should give you pause. Years ago, I went on a few dates with a supposedly successful businessman, but when I did a Google search on him there was nothing to be found. Being hard to locate online is not a pro-business move, and it certainly suggested his level of success wasn’t what he indicated. Ultimately, with some investigating, I discovered that he’d lied about his name and that he was a scam artist with criminal charges against him. It was a good lesson for me to learn early. Do due diligence and do your research early–before you get emotionally involved or put yourself physically or financially at risk.

Pay Attention to Information

People are always giving us information. Pay attention to the words and behavior of potential matches. This is how people reveal themselves. Are they a good listener or do they talk over you? Are they kind or condescending to servers? Are they reasonably generous or miserly? Narrow-minded or broad-minded? Patient or Impatient? Are they argumentative? Considerate? Jealous? Are they emotionally available?

Use the information you gather to discern whether or not an individual might make a good potential match. Note their good qualities, but be on the watch for any red flags in their words and behavior to help you discern if they aren’t a savory fit.

Also note whether their words match their behavior. If there’s a mismatch, that’s problematic. They either lack self-awareness or aren’t trustworthy. Lack of self-awareness is a shortcoming, and trust is a key foundation of any relationship. Bail and save yourself.

Recently, I went out with a man who was many things. He revealed himself to be perceptive, talented, knowledgeable, thoughtful, and generous. However, with time, he also revealed himself to be angry, non-empathetic, judgmental, and a poor listener–not good relationship qualities. There were many things I liked about him, and while I don’t regret the experience, in the end, I deserved to be treated better than I was. Pay attention to the not-so-savory information as well as the better bits.

Discerning the Connection

If you’ve adequately discerned the individual and you’re pulled-in rather than put-off, then give attention to the relationship dynamic. The relationship dynamic is the shared space of the Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. What is the chemistry of that space? How do you feel in that space? Does that space make sense to you? Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space?

I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy and exciting. What do you want that shared space to feel like? If the relationship dynamic is a match for what you’re seeking, then hooray! You’re ready to consider Going All In.

Going All In

If you’ve found a right person with whom you have right connection, then you’ve won the relationship lottery! This is no small thing–be grateful. Now, let’s discern how to go forward from here.

Going All In doesn’t mean that you’re blindly throwing all caution to the wind; it simply means that you see a chance worth taking. Life is full of risks–getting in a car; relocating; having a baby; accepting/quitting a job; investing in the stock market; going on a date. And yet, without taking risks, we risk not living full lives. The trick is to optimize the risks we take. Discernment is part of that optimization.

Think of a professional poker player. They aren’t going to go all in on a random hand or in every game. Rather, using their knowledge and experience, they’re paying attention to the cards; they’re paying attention to the other players; and when they get the right hand and the timing is right; that’s when they push all their chips in. They take in information and discern the right moment to make their move and take that gamble. If you’ve discerned a person is worth the gamble, take it.

Different Levels of Going All In

Going All In is leveling up your relationship, but there are different levels of Going All In. Going All In can start with choosing to date each other exclusively, saying, “I choose you,” and walking down that road together to see where it takes you. Going All In with someone can be as simple as saying “no” to other options.

After walking down that road a ways (You get to define that timeline.), if you continue to choose each other, and the “us” you created is good, then consider whether you’re ready to Go All In at a higher level of commitment, such as moving in together or marriage.

Actively Choosing

My friend Jeff and I have had several conversations about Going All In over the past year. Last year, a mutual friend of ours remarried. She’d been tragically widowed twenty months prior. It was fast on the heels of her husband’s death for sure, but that’s just how it happened, not how she planned it.

Our mutual friend had reconnected with someone she’d known for a long time (She’d discerned the kind of person he was many years prior.), they were both widowed, and they had good chemistry (the relationship dynamic). They were lucky to find each other, lucky to fall in love, and they recognized their luck, not taking it for granted. They chose not to give power to anyone who might judge the timing, and they went All In for Love. They leveled up their relationship, recognizing in each other what they wanted, and actively choosing to commit to that, declaring, “We’ll figure it out.”

It strikes me that that is what Love is–a recognition and a prioritization: We’ve found each other! Now, let’s figure out how we can make it work. Figuring out how to make it work is a team effort, not a burden to fall on one partner.

As a couple, they had an awareness of the challenges they would face combining families, each bringing their own special challenges to the union, but ultimately they were willing to face those challenges to be together, to do the work they needed to do to be together, and trusting that they loved each other enough to figure it out as a team.

I recently met a woman who told me that when she was dating her current husband (who’d been widowed), he initially hid their relationship from his teenage son. When Dean’s son found out about the relationship, he was upset. Jean suggested that they take a break from the relationship until his family was more ready, but Dean stepped up and chose her. Dean claimed the relationship and told his son that Jean was going to be part of their lives. They’ve been married for several years now, and Dean’s son came around.

A successful romantic relationship takes two people with right connection to understand their good fortune at finding each other and who commit to each other. It’s that easy.

A successful and healthy romantic relationship also involves not looking around for someone better, not imposing limits on what the relationship can be, not taking each other for granted, continuing to choose each other, leaning into the relationship (being aloof won’t work), and willingly engaging in the the work that comes with relationship. So while it’s easy, it’s also hard. And people are definitely good at making it harder than it needs to be. We’re really good at getting in our own way. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many rom-coms.

…or Not

In the same time frame that our mutual friend was Going All In, Jeff had been in an on-again off-again relationship. He decided that he was ready to level up the relationship and discussed moving in together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She spoke as if she was on board, yet she never did anything actionable to help manifest it as a concrete reality. For her, it was an abstract notion, something further down the road, something to put off indefinitely, not something that could happen over the weekend. Frustrated, Jeff ultimately chose to walk away.

Similarly, another friend’s brother was in a long-term committed relationship but reluctant to level it up from dating exclusively. My friend Abby knew her brother’s girlfriend wanted to level up despite her brother’s conviction not to. A conundrum. The girlfriend chose to play the saint and patiently wait, hoping his mindset might shift with time. That was her choice to make. And it was his rightful choice to keep the relationship at its current level. How happy does that situation sound? Does she sound happy? Does he?

Myself, I’d rather be alone than passively wait around for a man to decide I’m worth choosing. I want agency in relationship. I also want to feel chosen, appreciated, and wanted. I’m worth that, and I want a man who recognizes my worth.

David recognized my worth, and, in contrast to the Jeff’s and Abby’s brother’s scenario, we went All In quickly. We recognized our connection and chemistry right away. But then, he panicked. He wanted me but was afraid of us. He went All In, then walked away from the table. For us, Love was a losing game. And sometimes it is. David is a self-aware man, yet he didn’t know himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the follow-through to commit, even to someone he wanted. Do you? Know yourself and act accordingly.

If you have reservations about Going All In with someone who you’ve walked a ways down the road of relationship with, it’s worth considering–Why? What’s the source of your reservation? Is your romantic partner not the person you want to Go All In with? If so, why is that? Or, is Going All In not what you’re looking for in relationship? Why is that? Being able to answer these questions will help you understand yourself and your relationship, allowing you in turn to make more informed choices, even if you don’t choose to Go All In.

Final Thoughts

Going All In is something to do purposefully and with proper discernment, but if you’ve found a right person and connection, and a committed relationship is what you want, then go for it–leave behind the paradox of choice and make a choice. Carpe diem! Good luck out there!

Up Next: Processing Relationship Dynamics

Q & A: On the Paradox of Choice

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Recently, I was asked, “What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” My short answer was that, “…the paradox of choice is as real or unreal as someone chooses to make it.” Let’s explore that.

The Paradox of Choice

The Paradox of Choice is a concept posed by psychologist Barry Schwartz. The gist is that the more choice we have, the more difficult it is to choose and the less satisfied we are with our choice. After all, with so many choices, surely one of them is a better option than whatever we might happen to select. Thus, choice is followed by dissatisfaction and regret, or so Schwartz’s theory reasons.

Myself, I’ve experienced the overwhelm of choice in the toothpaste aisle. Growing up, I remember Aim, Colgate, and Crest. The number of brands has expanded somewhat, but the choice has really expanded in the different types offered within each brand.

Here are the Colgate options at my grocery store: Optic White Renewal High Impact White; Optic White Renewal Brilliant Shine; Total Plaque Pro Release Whitening; Total Plaque Pro Release Fresh Mint; Optic White Advanced Sparkling White; Optic White Advanced Icy Fresh; Optic White Stain Fighter Clean Mint Paste; Optic White Advanced Oxygenating White; Optic White with Charcoal; Optic White Stain Fighter Fresh Mint Gel; Revitalizing White with Activated Charcoal; Sensitive Whitening with Fresh Mint; Total Whitening Paste; Total Whitening Gel; Total Clean Mint; Total Fresh Mint Stripe; Sensitive Mint Clean; Sensitive Prevent & Repair; Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor; Baking Soda & Peroxide Brisk Mint; Triple Action Original Mint; and Baking Soda Sparkling White Mint Zing.

Whew! And that doesn’t include the kids’ options, though it includes a strangely large variety of mint flavors. It’s a lot to take in. And yet, somehow I manage to make it home with toothpaste (The original Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor is good enough for me.), and I don’t marinate on the toothpaste choices that I left behind.

Dating and The Paradox of Choice

The stakes of choosing a right romantic partner are certainly higher than choosing toothpaste, and the options that come with internet dating are much more vast.

It’s true that a person could become either paralyzed by the vast options offered by online dating or even addicted to the act of swiping through options, thus becoming stuck in the state of choosing and never really committing to a choice. Not choosing is a choice. But, if you want good dental hygiene, you choose a toothpaste, and if you want a relationship, then you recognize when you come across a right partner and you don’t blow your opportunity just because you have other options. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Regarding relationships, the trick is not to choose merely for the sake of choosing, but through the act of discernment, recognizing when you have found the kind of partner you’ve been looking for. Choosing well is about recognizing quality without expecting perfection (Don’t expect what you can’t offer). Once you do find right connection, then act on it–choose that person. If you’re lucky, they’ll choose you too. Don’t let the paradox of choice best you. Don’t be afraid to commit to quality just because there are other options. Be better. Break free from the confines of the paradox.

In my own experience, I’ve had connections where I felt that the men didn’t fully appreciate the preciousness of our connection, choosing the state of choosing over the choice of me (Often, this is because choosing me involves long distance.). On such occasions, I’ve felt it was a waste, but it was also their choice to not choose me.

My own not choosing a man goes back to the process of discerning right connection. If I haven’t chosen a man, it isn’t because I have other choices, it’s because something about the connection wasn’t right–he didn’t make me laugh; his conversation wasn’t stimulating enough; I didn’t feel any physical chemistry; I didn’t feel that he really saw me; he misrepresented himself; or he demonstrated a lack of giving grace.

And yet, every time time I get on a plane to go on a date, I’m actively making a choice that this man is worth the effort. In this moment, I choose him. And for now, he’s choosing me. With luck, one day I’ll find the man with whom I can stick that landing, locking in that choice. Who knows–maybe it could even be the man I’m on a plane to go see as I write this post.

Final Thoughts

As I see it, the real paradox of choice is that, as a dating platform user, you can opt for the suspended state of perpetual choosing, or you can make a choice when you find right connection (more on that in my next post). The choice is truly yours. What (or who) do you choose?

If you have a question that you’d like me to address, I’d love to hear from you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Going All In

Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary

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The Summary is an important part of your dating profile, yet neglected by a lot of dating platform users. This is a mistake, as Your Summary is how potential matches can get a sense of who you are and discern their interest. It’s your opportunity to get the attention of potential matches and to stand out from other profiles.

In my last few posts, I’ve provided some general tips for an effective Summary. In this post, I’m going to further guide you in how to craft Your Summary. Your Summary is about You. To that end, use whatever ideas speak to you to make the task easier, more approachable, and ultimately, more You.

The Process

If writing is an intimidating task for you, then start by breaking down the process into manageable steps. Get a notebook for writing down ideas and give yourself the grace of time. You don’t have to write a standout essay in one sitting. Walk through your day(s) and when you get an idea about what to write, make a notation in the notebook. When you’re ready with some ideas, you can sit down and draft Your Summary.

As a writer and blogger, I do this myself all the time. Sometimes the ideas don’t come on command. Sometimes ideas need the grace of time to ferment and come to fruition. I keep a notepad by my bed in case I have an idea when I’m half-asleep; I walk with a memo-pad in both my fanny pack and purse in case an idea strikes me when I’m on the move; and my blog draft just looks like a bunch of random notes long before it’s published. Take the pressure off and give yourself time to think about what you want to say.

Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

If writing is a task outside of your comfort zone, reframe the writing as a conversation. You use words in conversation all the time. With Your Summary, you’re initiating a conversation with potential matches. Imagine yourself walking across a room at a party to talk to someone who catches your eye, and then introduce yourself…

Content: Who You Are

When introducing yourself, you want to tell potential matches a little about yourself. The more effectively you can give potential matches a sense of who you are, the better you’ll be able to spark their interest. A man may have attractive profile pictures, but if I can’t get a sense of the kind of person he is from his Summary, I lose interest.

Who you are is more than what you do for a living, though that’s important too. Some things to consider talking about in Your Summary:

  • Personality Traits: Are you socially reserved or extroverted? Are you adventurous or low-key? Do you prefer nature or the energy of the city? Would you rather go out, stay in, or strike a healthy balance? How do you go forth in the world? Tell potential matches a little bit about the kind of person you are.
  • Family: If you have children, mention how many and relative ages (Are they young, teenagers, adults?). Orient potential matches to what your family life looks like (Do you have full custody? Shared custody? Kids away at college?) so they can get a sense of whether that makes sense with their own lifestyle. Do NOT mention your ex. Your ex should be in the rearview mirror and considering them as family is problematic for future relationships.
  • Career: Share a little bit about what you do and how it’s meaningful for you. If you travel for work, work remotely, or have an unusual work situation (i.e., travelling nurse), briefly explain. By telling potential matches about your lifestyle, it brings them a little bit into your world and helps them discern if they can see themself in your picture.
  • Activities: What are some of your favorite activities? How do you spend your free time? Scuba diving? Hiking? Volunteering? Skiing? Art museums/galleries? Reading? Live music? Sporting events? Preparing craft cocktails? Let potential matches know some of your favorite things to do so they can see how compatible you may be. If a man says he’s heavy into things like scuba diving and ice climbing, I know he’s working at a different speed than I am. I’ll stroll the art gallery with a glass of wine on a First Friday, thank you very much. But if a man says he’s equally at ease with dressing comfortably for a hike or in a tux for an event, my interest may be piqued!
  • Travel: Do you enjoy travelling? If so, what does that look like for you? RVing? Backpacking? National Parks? A cruise? Cosmopolitan locales? Beaches? Mountains? Domestic? Abroad? A range of experiences? Paint a picture for potential matches of the kind of travel you like to engage in and the range of experience you enjoy.
  • The Arts: Do you have a favorite musician/band or music genre that you prefer, or do you have eclectic taste? A favorite movie or genre of film? A favorite book or book genre? Do you like the visual arts, dance, theatre, or opera? If a man says he’s an opera fan, he’s probably not for me, but if he likes classic film, then we have a point of connection.
  • Sports: Do you play sports? Attend sporting events? Watch or follow a particular sport? Have a favorite team? If it’s important to you, do tell!
  • Interests: What are you curious about? I was recently involved with a man who had a job in the technology sector and was a CMO, yet he also had a deep interest in quantum physics. Myself, I’m attracted to human story across place, time, culture, and expressed through different artistic mediums. What piques your interest?
  • Truths: Consider being upfront about any truths you may have and are comfortable sharing–places in your life where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time in determining your compatibility and can spare hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible. Examples of truths: strong faith, (un)willingness to date long distance, sexual proclivities, disease, disability, politics, etc. Share your truths in a neutral and non-judgmental way.
  • Values: Do you have any core values that are important for you to share? In my profile, I mention that authenticity is important to me–that I offer it, expect it in turn, and that I won’t tolerate deception of any kind. I don’t belabor it; I simply make my point.

While personality, family, and career are basic information topics that you should address, you needn’t be exhaustive in addressing every category above. Rather, use the categories as a guide to make some notes that will help you paint a picture of who you are for potential matches. Focus on the categories that speak to you, as YOU are who Your Summary is about.

Content: Who You’re Looking For

If you have a strong sense of the kind of person you’re looking for and attracted to, that gives you an advantage as you sift through profiles. Likewise, if you name some of those qualities in your profile, it will help viewers discern if you might be a good match. Name the qualities in a match that are must-haves, but try to keep the list small. The longer the list of must-haves is, the narrower the pool of possibilities becomes. On my profile, I name that I need a man who can stimulate me intellectually and make me laugh. Those are essential for me. What is essential for you?

If you aren’t solid on the kind of person you’re looking for, that leaves possibility wide open, and that’s fine. However, if you’d like to discern and try to pinpoint certain qualities that attract you, look for patterns of attraction. Think about past relationships that were meaningful for you. What was it about your partner that attracted you to them? Do you see any recurring patterns across relationships?

If you’re still unsure, take a page from the aforementioned notebook and take notes on dating profiles that catch your interest. Try to name what it is about each profile that intrigues you. Do you see any patterns of attraction? If so, you can use that information to empower you in your search and in naming the kind of match you’re looking for.

By naming qualities that you find attractive in Your Summary, you allow potential matches to see if they might be a good fit. However, be careful not to let your list of desirables get overly long. A brief list gives clarity about the kind of person you’re seeking. The longer the list of desired qualities gets, the more it feels like a checklist of criteria that a potential match must measure up against, be wary of wading into that territory.

Likewise, when telling about Who you’re looking for, beware of the phrase, “You are…” While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches, it’s presumptive to tell someone who they are or should be. Rather, invite dialogue by asking who they are. For instance:

  • What about you?
  • What do you like to do?
  • Does that sound like you?
  • What should we do for our first date?
  • Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?
  • Now, tell me about yourself…
  • But, I’d really like to learn about you…

Some patterns of attraction may not be essential, but may be worth mentioning. In my profile, I mention that I have a history of dating artistic/creative types and that I pair well with alphas. That doesn’t mean I date such men exclusively, but it does mean that if a man has no interest whatsoever in the visual arts or is reserved, then we’re probably not a good match.

Content: What You’re Looking For

When you’re looking for a relationship, there’s not just a Who involved, but a What. The What is the relationship itself, in particular, it’s the dynamic created by the individuals in relationship, the shared space of the Venn Diagram. What do you want that shared space to look like? Feel like? This is the What. By describing What you hope to find and create in relationship, you can draw the right connections in. If What you describe is attractive to potential matches, then you’ve got their attention.

Early in my dating journey, when I was still discerning What I was looking for, a friend recommended that I look for pictures of how I wanted relationship to feel, much like a vision board. It was a surprisingly fruitful exercise. As someone who expresses affection with physical touch, I began by looking for pictures of couples holding hands but found the pictures unsatisfactory. When I tried a search for couples embracing, I found the pictures much more satisfying, such as the couple walking down the street with their arms around each others waists, no vacant space between their bodies. That exercise taught me how important physical touch and proximity is for me in relationship. Someone who doesn’t express affection physically would leave me feeling wanting.

If you’re still discerning What you’re looking for in relationship, consider searching for visual images that match what you want to feel. Are the couples laughing? Holding hands? Are their arms wrapped around each other?

Think about your past relationships–What qualities about any past relationships made that/those relationships resonate with you? Are there any past relationship dynamics that you want to avoid as you go forward? I’ve been in past relationships where I haven’t felt seen, heard, or honored, with men who created a lot of drama. Nowadays, I’m carefully attuned to how a man treats me, makes me feel, and how he behaves.

Consider the couples you know–are there any couples who model a relationship dynamic that you find desirable? What is it about their dynamic that you find attractive? My cousin Michele and her husband Mike are an example of the kind of dynamic I seek. They’re playful, considerate, and supportive of one another. There’s always laughter when I visit, and they tag-team cooking the meal (While I watch and drink wine!). I’ve never seen them bicker or disparage each other, and I can’t say that of many couples I’ve spent that much time around.

Content: Additional Ideas

If you’d like to individualize your profile further, tell a story about yourself. Keep it light at this point. If you’re able to laugh at yourself and make it humorous, even better! Maybe a travel misadventure or an embarrassing moment? Consider teasing potential matches and piquing their interest by not revealing the end of the story, instead saying something to the effect of, “I’ll tell you the rest of the story on our first date…”

Or, tell about something that inspires you or that you’re inspired to do. Do you have a person you admire? They don’t need to be famous. What is it about them that you admire? Or, do you have a particular quote that resonates with you? Share it and explain its significance to you. (Make sure to limit yourself to only one quote!) Maybe you find inspiration in a place? Where is that place, and what about it inspires you? Are you inspired to walk the El Camino? Learn to play guitar? Master Portuguese? Tell potential matches What you’re inspired to do and Why. The explanation of the Why of your inspiration is where potential matches have the opportunity to see who you are.

Or, tell random interesting facts about yourself. Here’s an example from a profile I saw recently:

Random stuff about me…I return shopping carts, I am fascinated by the 2 ft. long printed coupons you get at CVS (Extra Bucks rule!), I don’t hog the left hand lane unless I’m passing slower traffic, I tip 20% or more but do the math in my head so the bill total always ends in zeros, I’m the DJ at my house parties, I walk on the curb side of the street with my lady, etc.

I thought it was pretty sweet. While I wasn’t swayed in his direction, he did manage to get my attention, and his profile was entertaining. What are some of your random facts?

Draft Your Summary

Now that you have an idea about what you’re going to write, it’s time to draft Your Summary. Remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation–You’re introducing yourself to potential matches. You’re going to walk across the room to that person who caught your eye, and say…that’s exactly what you write.

Think of the writing as simply organizing your thoughts and recording them. You can go back and proofread/edit later. Start by simply getting your ideas down. Strive for a minimum length of three paragraphs. Any less than that makes it difficult to convey a real sense of who you are.

If it’s easier for you to actually simulate that imaginary conversation than write it down, try using a Speech-to-Text app or software to record what you would say to that person when you walk over.

You can also break writing Your Summary up into manageable parts. I didn’t write the first draft of this blog post in one sitting, and you don’t have to write Your Summary draft in one sitting either. Write a little bit, then walk away for a while before coming back to it. You can even break it up into the same chunks (headings and bullet points) that I’ve organized this blog into if that’s helpful!

Myself, I’m not a fan of A.I., but it’s an additional tool that’s available to you if you aren’t confident about writing Your Summary.

Edit/Proofread Your Draft

It’s important to edit and proofread the draft of Your Summary. Your potential matches aren’t all going to be English majors, but you don’t want your profile to stand out for its spelling and grammatical errors. It’s worth taking the time to edit and proofread.

Read your draft out loud to yourself. This is something that writers commonly do to make sure it flows and sounds right. It’s also a good way to catch little mistakes you might not notice if you’re just glancing at the words across the screen/page.

Use software to help you get spelling and grammar right if you need to. Be careful with things like you’re and your. If you’re not sure, google it to find out. An English major I may be, but I still Google grammar questions with frequency!

Final Thoughts

The Summary is a crucial part of a dating profile, as this is where you have the opportunity to give potential matches a sense of who you are. Done effectively, it will get their attention and help them discern possible compatibility.

In my last few posts (linked below) I provided some guidelines for writing Your Summary. This post is meant to make the task of writing an effective Summary as approachable as possible. Whether you’re writing a Summary from scratch, or I’ve given you ideas for tweaking Your Summary, I want to empower you to have as much success as possible finding Who and What you’re looking for. Good luck out there!

Recent Posts:

Up Next: On the Paradox of Choice

Even More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

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The Summary part of your dating profile demands more thought and effort than the rest of your profile as it’s an open-ended essay question rather than mulitiple choice. Because of this, many dating platform users neglect The Summary or don’t put much thought into it. This is a mistake, as it’s your best opportunity to effectively tell potential matches who you are and what you’re looking for. Further, it’s your chance to stand out and make a good first impression. Let’s make that happen!

In many ways, dating is similar to a job search. You want a mutually good fit, and there’s a process of vetting possibilites. In this analogy, your profile works like a resume, giving potential matches a sense of who you are. Just as you’d do your best to position yourself well for a professional opportunity by polishing your resume, likewise, you should optimize your dating profile. Envision Your Summary as an opportunity, not a chore. In the job search analogy, Your Summary is akin to the “Tell me about yourself,” part of a job interview. And, if finding your words is an intimidating prospect, don’t worry, I’m here to help!

Don’t: Mention Your Ex

The purpose of your dating profile is to find your next romantic connection. Leading with talk about a former lover/partner is a turn-off. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. Get to know potential connections, don’t tell them about past ones.

When I come across a profile where a man mentions his ex, I tend to pass him by. After all, we haven’t even met yet, why is he already telling me about his ex? I want a man who’s interested in me. With time, we’ll learn each other’s histories, but it’s not a good relationship place to lead from. If you dwell in your romantic past, you may preclude present possibilities.

Don’t: Use Clichés

Clichés are examples of unoriginal thinking. Simply put, they’re lazy. When I come across a profile with a cliché, I pass it by. I want a man who can think and speak for himself, not one who relies on others’ words to express himself.

You can’t stand out from other profiles by using clichés because by definition they’re overused. How many times have you read:

  • I’m a glass half-full kind of person
    • To my mind, the other half of the glass is a legitimate truth not to be ignored. Life has rough patches. I’m not looking to date a Pollyanna but a well-rounded man capable of a broader perspective.
  • Looking for a partner in crime
    • Really? Bonnie and Clyde didn’t end so well. No thank you.
  • Looking for my last first kiss
    • At least romantic, but still unoriginal. And what about all the kisses after that? I hope it doesn’t go downhill from there.
  • I’m not looking for someone perfect, just perfect for me
    • Aren’t we all?

Clichés are a sign of limited thinking. If you want to stand out, you need to find your own words (I’ll help with that!). After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking for ordinary–I’m looking for extraordinary.

Do: Be Original

You are you–what an elite experience! No one else gets to be you, just you. So, who are you? Share the special that you are.

To disentangle yourself from the cliché in your life, flip the cliché and follow your thinking.

You’re probably not really looking for a partner in crime, so what are you looking for? Adventure? Fun? A life companion? What does that look like for you? Rock climbing? Scuba diving? Bike riding? An art museum? Antiquing? Live Music? Fine dining? A romantic getaway? Backpacking? A roadtrip? Paint a picture of what you’re looking for with specifics of your vision so potential matches can clearly see you, and maybe even see themself in your picture.

Instead of saying, “I’m not looking for someone perfect, just someone perfect for me,” be clear–what does that look like? What kind of companion and relationship do you seek? How do you want relationship to feel? Don’t make it a litany of criteria that someone needs to fulfill, rather name the important overriding qualities that you seek.

Here’s the first paragraph of My Summary:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

It’s not a list of must-haves nor is it cliché, but it does give you the sense of the kind of man and relationship I seek. What and who are you looking for? Paint that picture in your own words, as only you can.

Don’t: Be Defensive or Apologetic

In the context of a dating profile, being defensive and apologetic are both reactionary. Your dating profile shouldn’t be reactionary to your prior dating experience, but proactive about the experience you want to have.

Being defensive is generally a passive-aggressive behavior. Not a good place to live, and there’s nothing to defend against with potential matches you haven’t met yet. Avoid being defensive.

Likewise, avoid apologizing in your profile. It comes off as weak and ineffectual in a situation where you don’t have anything to apologize for–you haven’t met these people yet. Your profile is a step toward meeting the right person. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to make amends.

Or, this example: “Sorry for no photos of…(i.e., being shirtless, bathroom/car selfies, photos with fish, etc.).” In this case, the apology comes off as a disingenuous attempt at humor. This is your first impression, sidestep the sarcasm. It’s okay to acknowledge the negatives of dating, but don’t over-dwell there. Instead, stay focused on conveying who you are and what you’re looking for and put out an energy (warm, upbeat, nonplussed) that will attract what you hope to find.

Don’t: Overuse Emojis

Emojis can be a fun way to add visual emphasis in casual written communication, but they have a limited capacity for conveying a message. They lack the nuance and specificity of words. Overreliance on emojis as a means of communication reads as unsophisticated and immature. Not how you want to present yourself.

Words are a more effective tool than emojis for expressing who you are and what you hope to find romantically. Don’t be afraid to find your words; you use words all the time. Imagine you’re at a party and someone catches your eye–What would you say to introduce yourself? Write that.

Do: Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

Many people find the idea of writing intimidating. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of writing Your Summary, reframe the task as initiating a conversation. For now, the conversation is a monologue, but done effectively, it will lead to a dialogue.

We use words to effectively communicate every day. You possess the skill of using words to communicate what you want to express, you just need to get them written down. By framing Your Summary as a conversation rather than an essay assignment, you make it a more approachable task.

Imagine that job interview where you’re asked to, “Tell me about yourself.” Now imagine that job interview is for a romantic partner. Focus on what you would say, then write that down.

If you still aren’t sure, break the task down into more manageable steps. Put a notebook on a table. Walk through your day with the idea of how you would initiate that conversation in person and what you would say. Whenever you get an idea, make a notation to help you get you started.

Once you have some ideas of how to begin that conversation, write a draft of Your Summary. When you’re done, walk away from it for a while. When you’re ready, go back and edit/proofread.

You use words all the time; the only difference is that you’re writing these words down. You can do this.

Don’t: Announce a Profile Update

Whether you’re relatively new to online dating and your profile is a work in progress or you’re a veteran (sigh) who may feel the need to revise over time, it’s normal to update your profile once in a while. When doing so, make the desired updates to your profile without drawing attention to the fact (i.e., writing, “Update:…”) or making an addendum set off at the end of Your Summary. Doing either of these reads as awkward.

In my years on Match, I’ve only seen one effective exception to this–a man who had an accident which paralyzed him, putting him in a wheelchair. He had a distinct before and after in his life. By bringing attention to his update, he was allowing potential matches to see the person he was before the accident and his new life since. Change is part of all our lives, but the very way he’s able to live his life changed dramatically. For most of us, it’s simply best to revise our summaries quietly.

Thinking of Your Summary as a romantic version of your resume, imagine that resume in an electronic format on social media, such as LinkedIn. When you update your LInkedIn profile, you wouldn’t write “Update,” you’d simply revise or add to your resume so that the changes were integrated without announcing that you were doing so. Handle Your Dating Summary similarly. Maintain Your Summary in a way so that it matches your current truth without broadcasting updates.

Don’t: Write a Disclaimer

If you have to qualify Your Summary with a disclaimer such as, “Please read with the humor intended…,” or, “…not meant to insult,” (I’ve seen both) then you’ve probably written something you shouldn’t have (They did.). What they wrote wasn’t particularly funny and, despite the disclaimer, was potentially insulting. They failed to manifest what they were going for (humor) and risked being alienating. Not everyone is going to be your person, but remember to conduct yourself with dignity and kindness. Those qualities go a long way toward being a good human being, regardless of the context.

Do: Relax

Frankie aside, even if writing isn’t your favorite thing or a natural talent, you can do this. Dread will only make the task more daunting. Don’t let writing Your Summary get the better of you, and don’t avoid it. Be yourself, and remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation.

Final Thoughts

The Summary part of your dating profile is your opportunity to effectively represent who you are and the kind of match you’re looking for. It’s you introducing yourself to someone who catches your eye at a party. How would you present yourself? What would you say? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

To make Your Summary as effective as possible, keep in mind the guidelines in my last few posts (past posts in this series are linked below). In my next post, I’ll give you more ideas for crafting Your Summary. Meanwhile, good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

The Summary is a core part of your dating profile and too often neglected by dating platform users. Don’t make this common mistake. Your Summary is your best opportunity to showcase who you are and what you’re looking for. It’s your best chance to stand out from other profiles and draw in the right potential matches. If you’re serious about finding right connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously, using all the tools at your disposal to help you achieve your desired outcome, including writing an effective Summary. If the idea of writing a Summary is intimidating to you, don’t worry–I’m here to help you with that!

Your dating profile is akin to a professional resume; it should be both an honest and favorable representation of yourself. Much like a job search, with dating you’re looking for a right fit. In appraoaching writing Your Summary, envision the dating platform as a social event, a party, or a romantic networking opportunity. Keep these frameworks in mind as we go forward, using them to help guide you in how you represent and write about yourself to potential matches, with an emphasis on being authentic and your best you.

Don’t: Tell Potential Matches Who They Are or Should Be

This is a common profile blunder. It’s a clumsy attempt at explaining the type of potential match a user is looking for. While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches by saying, “You are..,” it’s also presumptuous from the standpoint of telling an individual who they’re supposed to be, with the implication that if they aren’t that, they’re somehow wrong.

You have a lot of potential matches looking at your profile, don’t incidentally alienate them because you’re painting a picture of what they’re supposed to live up to. Just because, “You are,” is a common profile practice, doesn’t make it best practice. Let me show you a better way…

Do: Say Who and What You’re Looking For

Instead of telling potential matches who they are, straightforwardly say the kind of match you’re looking for. Don’t make it an exhaustive list of a fantasy-mate that strays into “You are” territory, instead, name important qualities that you’re attracted to and hope to find in a match. This is the Who of what you’re looking for.

My own profile mentions that I’m looking for an intellectual man who can make me laugh, that I pair well with artistic types and alphas, and that I have a pattern of attraction for men of Mediterranean descent. I begin with the non-negotiables (intellect and humor), then mention some qualities that I find attractive but are non-essential.

We all have certain qualities that we’re attracted to. Figure out what qualities are most essential for you and name them–keep this list small. If you have some other qualities that are desirable or attractive, name them too, but frame them as non-essentials. The longer your list of must-haves and wants gets, the narrower the pool of possibilities, the less potential matches will be able to see themselves, and the more you limit your own experience by not being open to the beauty of exploring the niches of an individual. Try to be clear on the important aspects of who you’re looking for while maintaining an openness to the possibility of learning a new individual. You might be pleasantly surprised by who you find!

Years ago, one of the key things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that after telling about himself, he posed the question, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he really wanted to get to know me, rather than telling me who I was supposed to be. Stanley and I went on to date for four years.

Consider how you can invite the possibility of the individual in your own profile. Ask potential matches who they are, rather than tell them who they should be. Let them feel like you want to get to know them, not that they need to measure up to certain criteria. Remember the party analogy? You wouldn’t walk up to someone at a party and tell them who they should be, you’d ask about them. So, try posing a question…

  • What do you like to do?
  • Does that sound like you?
  • Where would you like to go?
  • What should we do for our first date?
  • Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?

…or, simply state as part of Your Summary, “”Now that I’ve introduced myself,” or “Enough about me“,…

  • I want to get to know you.
  • I want to learn about you.
  • Tell me about you(rself).

It’s also a good idea to be clear on the What of what you’re looking for. Match has a place in the Stats where you can state your Dating Intention, but it’s good to clarify for potential matches What you’re looking for in relationship as this is an area where it will be important to be on the same page. If you know what you want, whether it be a serious relationship or casual dating, be clear about that. If you’re not sure what you want yet, that’s okay, state that. You might have great chemistry with someone, but if you don’t want the same thing from relationship, that sets one or both of you up for disappointment. Information is good. It allows for people to make informed decisions. If someone wants something vastly different from you relationship-wise, you’re giving them the information they need to see that you aren’t in the same place.

Don’t: Be Gimmicky

Don’t be so desperate to stand out from other profiles that you go gimmicky. Stand out for who you are, not the gimmick you use. Gimmicks tend to come off as contrived. For example…

  • The guy who wrote a list of things he isn’t instead of focusing on who he is.
  • Pretend reviews, such as “One helluva guy,” KC Star...please show me or tell me why you’re a great guy instead of relying on a fictional review.

It’s okay to get creative with your profile, but in doing so, beware the gimmick. Instead, strive for authenticity and to be your best you. You are enough. You don’t need to hide behind a gimmick.

Don’t: Be Disingenuous

Don’t grossly misrepresent yourself in an attempt at humor. This is not only ineffective, but also comes off as both false and unfunny–not how you want to present yourself to potential matches. A few examples I’ve seen:

  • “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON“–As a joke, not funny. If not a joke, even more problematic. And yes, he used the CAPS lock, really emphasizing his point. Not a good way to get attention.
  • “not very good with money…I need yours and your kids [sic] piggy bank. Currently living under an overpass…My parents won’t even let me move back…”–That was as much as was visible to read without actually clicking on his profile. Needless to say (but I’ll say it), I didn’t click to read further.
  • “Me: 16 kids (that I know of) by 5-6 baby mamas, gov. check clears by the 1st, double wide that only leaks when it rains, and good conduct voucher by my parole officer…” This was followed by one surprise and four crying/laughing emojis. He apparently thought he was hilarious. Did you think so? I didn’t.

Their attempts at humor were not only unsuccessful at drawing positive attention, but actively a turn off–the opposite of what they were presumably trying to accomplish. Better to not try humor at all than be unfunny. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not, even in jest. Just be yourself. You are enough.

Do: Proofreed

Did it bother you that I misspelled proofread? If so, that’s exactly my point. Every potential match isn’t going to be an English major, but remember to consider your dating profile akin to a professional resume–take it seriously and represent yourself well. You don’t want misspellings and grammatical errors to be the thing that potential matches notice about your profile. Proofreading doesn’t take much time and there are tools that can help you. You (and your match!) are worth the effort.

Don’t: Use Quotes From Other People

…or if you do, choose ONE that really resonates with you, and explain why. I’ve been reading the book Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit which has a tickertape ribbon of quotes about walking running along the bottom of each page, one page into the next. Eventually, I abandoned reading the quotes altogether as I found they distracted from the content of the book, versus a book which leads each chapter with a single focused quote to set the tone.

Don’t distract potential matches from the content of your profile (YOU!) with a series of quotes written by other people. Your profile should be about you, using your words, not hiding behind someone else’s. Using someone else’s words instead of your own is a passive move, not an assertive one. Remember to think of the dating platform as a party–you aren’t going to go up to someone at the party and start quoting a bunch of other people, you’d find your own words. Do the same with your profile. Think about how you’d introduce yourself at that party and use that as a starting point. You can do this!

Do: Tell Any Non-Negotiables and Truths

Be upfront and honest about your truths, the places where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time, and it spares hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible.

I’ve seen men disclose all kinds of truths on their profiles:

  • Faith (i.e., “I’m looking for a Christian woman.”)
  • Sexual Proclivities (i.e., the subtle, “I like to be in charge, if you take my meaning.“)
  • Disease (i.e., herpes, MS, cancer)
  • Disability (i.e., paralysis)
  • Unwillingness to date long-distance
  • Dating Intention (i.e., LTR, hoping to (re)marry, not looking for anything serious)
  • No Rodeo Girls (a guy in Montana that wasn’t feeling it with the rodeo girls)
  • Politics (i.e., No Trumpers)
  • Children at home (i.e., a man in his sixties raising a young child)

I always appreciate it when a man is honest about his truths. It allows me to discern whether his truth is something that’s incompatible with my own truths or something that’s workable and/or a point of compatibility. As someone who dates long distance, if a man is clear that he isn’t willing to go the distance, I know to move on.

Years ago, I saw a profile of a man who disclosed that he had herpes in his profile. I thought his openness about it was a brave move. It was his truth and he was forthcoming about it. It’s a conversation that he would have to have with any serious potential matches, and he chose to be upfront about it. By doing so, he could be assured that anyone who did contact him found his truth manageable and was genuinely interested. No surprises on either end.

You don’t need to share all your truths, but consider what truths are non-negotiable, what you feel comfortable sharing, and what is important enough to save both you and potential matches time in discerning your compatibility or lack thereof. In doing so, make sure to say your truth(s) with kindness, not as if it is a failing if someone doesn’t match with your truth.

Final Thoughts

If you want matches to take your profile seriously, then you need to take it seriously as well. That isn’t to say your profile should be humorless, just that it should be given thoughtful consideration. Like your professional resume, it’s how you get your foot in the door and maximize opportunity. This is your first (and possibly last) impression. Make it count by putting your best authentic self out there!

If the idea of writing Your Summary is still an intimidating prospect, don’t worry! In a future post, I’ll guide you through how to craft Your Summary. Meanwhile, Good luck out there!

The original post in this series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Even More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As a longtime subscriber to Match, I’ve noticed over the years that the most neglected part of profiles is the Summary. While it can be intimidating to write about yourself, this is a core part of your profile, and it’s your best opportunity to showcase your personality. This is the part of your profile where potential matches can really get a sense of who you are and if they might be interested.

Myself, when a man neglects this part of his profile, I move on. I want a man who has something to say, not one who struggles to find words. Don’t allow good potential matches to pass you by because you haven’t adequately addressed this part of your profile.

Think of your profile as your dating resume. Just as a resume represents who you are to a potential employer, your profile represents yourself to a potential mate. You want to stand out from the crowd, draw the right connection(s) in, and grab their interest– the Summary is the part of your profile where you can most effectively achieve this.

In the next few posts, I’ll guide you through some Dos and Don’ts of the Summary, as well as provide tips in how to craft Your Summary.

Don’t: Say You Don’t Know What to Write

…even if that’s how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. Your Summary is where you say something about yourself, saying that you don’t know what to say may be genuine, but it also reads as insecure. This is your first impression, maximize it. Think of your dating profile as a resume, a medium to show who you are, not a place to advertise your insecurities.

Do: Say Something

I continue to be surprised by how many profiles neglect to say anything at all, relying only on photos and stats to connect. This presents as apathetic–not an effective way to market yourself. If you want good results, you need to advertise yourself, giving potential matches a sense of who you are and what you’re looking for.

Alternately, I’ve seen profiles where the Summary space was filled with symbols and emojis in an attempt to use up characters. That’s gibberish and possibly worse than saying nothing at all. Think of the dating platform as a party where you have the opportunity to meet and interact with different people. Would you rather stand next to someone who’s silent at a party or someone who’s speaking in tongues? Myself, I’d walk across the room and find some different company altogether.

To follow the party analogy, use Your Summary to introduce yourself. Imagine that you see someone at a party that you’re interested in meeting. How would you present yourself? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

In a future post, I’ll provide tips for writing Your Summary. For now, if you’re unsure where to start, begin with a short paragraph about the things/people/values/activities/places that are most important to you. Or you can tell about one something in more depth. Or you can tell a story about yourself. Imagine yourself at that party talking to a potential match.

Don’t: USE ALL CAPS

WHEN I SEE A SUMMARY WITH ALL CAPS, I THINK, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

It’s so much softer to use normal text and a relief to read after extensive CAPS, don’t you think? I can only surmise that the people who use CAPS think it’s attention-grabbing, but really it’s off-putting. Avoid the CAPS lock.

Don’t: Complain

…especially about dating and profiles! By being negative, you risk turning off potential matches. Instead of leading with negative experience and poor taste levels, put your best self forward and articulate the kind of match you’re hoping to find. Should you find your match, you’ll have plenty of time to laugh about all the crazy profiles, characters, and dates you’ve been on before you found each other.

I’ve seen many versions of complaining, but none of them land well. Complaining at me about profiles that I didn’t write and dates that I didn’t go on is like telling me not to do things I haven’t done. It’s annoying. A profile with venting, rants, or a lecture isn’t going to lure anyone in. It doesn’t make a good first impression, and it’s a move that may preclude further interaction. This doesn’t mean your complaints are illegitimate, just that your profile isn’t the place to air your grievances. Complain to friends, family, your therapist, God, or a bartender, but not to the matches you’re trying to attract.

The only work-arounds are a passing comment (rather than a focused commentary) or the effective use of humor. In my own profile, I emphasize the value of authenticity and that being disingenuous is not okay in my world. I’m to the point and leave it at that. As to humor, I’ve seen some profiles that pull off a joke about a dating annoyance, but be careful–if it isn’t effective and potential matches see you as simultaneously complaining AND not-funny, you’ve sunk your boat. If you’re not sure you can pull off a light joke effectively, then don’t attempt. If you can make a light joke or a slight nod to an annoyance, that’s okay, but don’t let your frustrations overtake your profile, because ironically, once you do, you become a profile to complain about.

Dating is hard, and there’s plenty of bullshit that goes along with it. I have my pet peeves and annoyances too, but I don’t put a litany of them in my profile. Don’t let the wrong people take up too much of your energy. There are more wrongs than rights in dating, if there weren’t, it wouldn’t be so hard. Conserve your energy for right connection. Use your profile to attract the kind of person you want to be with, not rant about the people you don’t. You only need one person to be the right connection, don’t risk turning them off because of all the wrongs. The wrongs are actually doing you a favor by showing you they’re unsuitable–they’re saving you time. It’s frustrating that it’s so hard to find right connection, but it’s better than settling for wrong. Find a profile annoying? Just pass it by and move on…

Don’t: Rely on Your Friends to Describe You

In saying this, I contradict Match advice which encourages users to ask friends to describe them. That’s better than saying nothing at all. Match wants its users to have enough success in their dating experience to encourage platform loyalty. Users will generally have more success if they have something written in their Summary than if they don’t, and Match wants to make it as easy as possible for you to have a good experience, including relying on your friends’ input to write your profile.

For someone feeling intimidated and uncomfortable about writing their Summary, asking friends for input is easy and makes a somewhat daunting task more approachable–but it’s also a crutch, a passive move. Myself, when I see a profile where a man has to ask friends to describe himself, I skip on by. I want a man who knows himself and who can articulate who he is. Don’t allow good possibilities to pass you by because you didn’t put the effort into your profile or yourself.

Returning to the party analogy, Your Summary is where you’re introducing yourself. At that party, imagine that you see someone who piques your interest. You could ask a friend to go over with you and help you talk to them, or you could be assertive and go over and introduce yourself. The latter is the stronger and more attractive move. We aren’t in high school anymore.

We’re all grown-ups here, and we’ve all done plenty of living at this point. Hopefully, some self-reflection and self-awareness has come along with that. Self-awareness is an attractive quality. Pour that self-knowledge into your profile rather than relying on others. Remember, your dating profile is akin to your professional resume, and just as you would take your resume and job search seriously, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. 

I want you to successfully find the relationship you seek rather than be perpetually reliant on a dating platform, constantly seeking. To facilitate this, your profile should be as effective as possible, to aid in attracting the right potential matches and to stand out from other profiles–that includes putting yourself out there assertively so potential matches can get a sense of who you are. If this is still an intimidating prospect for you, don’t panic–I’ll have a future post to help guide you in writing Your Summary. You can do this!

Do: Be Authentic

Approach writing Your Summary as representing your true self as authentically as possible in order to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. This is your opportunity to invite potential matches into your world. The more thoroughly you can paint that world, the more inviting it is to the right connection.

Imagine yourself at that party, not just making small talk, not just trying to impress, but finding someone who you really connect with, someone who the more you talk to, the more you want to know–someone who you could talk to for hours. You don’t find that kind of connection without being authentic. By leading with authenticity, you enhance your chance of attracting the right matches and finding deeper connection.

Rather than using your profile as an attempt to impress, use it as an opportunity to make yourself come across on the page, like a well-written character in a book. My favorite profiles are when I can get a sense of the person and their personality. Even if they aren’t right connection for me, such profiles standout and are a pleasure to read, like meeting someone at a party and having a good conversation, even if they aren’t The One.

Final Thoughts

Your Summary is a core part of your profile, and it shouldn’t be neglected. It’s your best opportunity to represent who you are and to attract the kind of potential matches you’re seeking. Make the effort to show who you are and to stand out from the crowd. Introduce yourself and enjoy the party!

If you enjoy my posts and know someone else who might, please spread the word! http://www.blackbirddating.com

Up Next: More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Flip It

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Feeling stuck? Need a new perspective? Unhappy with your situation? I’ve certainly been there. Sometimes it helps to flip your thinking and find a new point-of-view.

Until recently, I visualized my post-divorce life in volumes. This began a few years after my divorce, when I got a moleskine journal and commenced writing my experience down in earnest. At the end of a year, I had the first draft of a memoir manuscript. The thing is, I kept living and evolving beyond where the manuscript left off. If the manuscript itself was Volume 1, what followed must be Volume 2, and so on…each time I molted and shifted to a new theme or experience, I moved on to a new volume.

Last fall, I felt stuck. Every romance I’d had in the past couple of years had blown up in my face one way or another, and though I was pushing at my life both professionally and geographically, my life wasn’t expanding as fully as I wanted. I needed to change things up and flip my perspective. I needed to shift from feeling stuck to feeling the hope of possibility. One day, frustrated with Volume 4, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5.

In reflection, I was able to denote the transition to more than just my mental need for a shift–my eldest had left for college in Boston and my youngest had graduated from high school. They were transitioning into adulthood and, by default, my life was transitioning too. What themes for this new phase? I determined the need to Liberate myself from feeling stuck; I wanted to Manifest at a different level; and I wanted it to be on My Terms, to feel like I had more control in my life than I was feeling at the time.

A few days into my attempt to get into a better headspace, I became the recipient of the obsessive attentions of an electronic stalker. This didn’t help my headspace. I was annoyed and concerned by this development, but also frustrated that just as I was setting out to find a better mindset, the Universe seemed determined to foil me in that attempt.

Despite this setback to my attempt at manifesting something better, I handled the situation well. A weekend that began in Fear, ended in Anger. I determined to give the situation as much attention as necessary and as little as possible. I wasn’t going to give the creep power over me or control over my experience. I relegated him to the margins. I filed a case with the police and had him ticketed. Fortunately, he desisted, and that was the end of it.

Though the stalker was an unwelcome intrusion into my life, nevertheless, I embodied the themes I was striving for–I Liberated myself from him; I Manifested Strength not Fear; I handled the situation on My Terms, not giving it or him power over my experience. Essentially, I flipped the situation from an experience that was happening to me to a situation that I was taking control of. Both are truths, but rather than allow a man uninvited into my life to control my experience, I flipped it and showed him the door, the police serving as my bouncers. It would have been easy to have let Fear control my experience, but I chose Anger. Anger is a more empowering stance, and my anger was certainly justified.

Flipping It is about finding a new point of view and a different approach. It’s about shifting perspective and thinking more expansively. Flipping It is an active, not a passive move. It’s not static, nor the status quo. Rather,Flipping it invites personal growth, evolution, and possibility.

When I shifted from Volume 4 to 5, I was feeling stuck and trying to flip my perspective to a better place. When the stalker intruded into my experience, I flipped the scenario by choosing to interact with the experience on My Terms rather than just let it be something that happened to me. A few months ago, I flipped my vision again, determining that I no longer wanted to be bound by living my life in volumes. Going forward, I choose to live beyond volumes, unbound.

A coin has two sides. We can choose to look passively at just one side of the coin, and that is a reality–but it isn’t the full reality. If we actively flip the coin, we find a completely different side and a more complete reality. Flipping it is looking for the more expansive truth, the fuller picture.

Are there places in your life where you are feeling stuck or unsatisfied? Consider how you might flip your thinking and reenvision the siutation. This can be applied to your experiences in dating and relationship, as well as other realms of your life.

If you’re sad a potential match didn’t call or message you back, it’s okay to be disappointed, but flip that scenario–you deserve someone who does call and message you. Own that. Refrain from giving the person who doesn’t show up for you more power over your experience than they deserve.

Recently, my ex’s widow sent me a vitriolic email. I could’ve engaged with her gripes and accusations, but there’s no reasoning with irrational people. She was lashing out and looking for a fight. I responded that if she wanted to discuss something with me, then she needed to behave in a more dignified manner. She was unable to do that, so I blocked her. She created drama; I cut her out of my no-drama universe. She wanted power over me; I undercut her power. She couldn’t treat me with respect; she’ll no longer have the opportunity to interact with me. She couldn’t abide by My Terms, so I Liberated myself from her, Manifesting with a grace and dignity that she lacked.

I used to work with a woman who was belligerent at times. I didn’t tolerate her belligerence, nor did I yield to her aggressiveness. With time, she came to like me because she respected me. And with that, she became more pleasant to be around altogether. I didn’t accept her terms of interaction, but created My Terms of interaction, reframing what the nature of our relationship would be.

In the past two examples, people were behaving badly. Rude comments and mean behavior says more about the person behaving that way than it says about the person that behavior targets. If someone mistreats you, it’s natural to feel hurt, but if you flip that coin, you deserve to be treated well. Bullies like power and will take as much as we give them. Better to undercut them, taking away their fuel.

Years ago, I went out with a man who told me in detail all of the things that he wanted and deserved as a 52 year-old divorced man. As he rambled on, I kept thinking, “What about what I want?” He never asked. My wants and needs were the other side of the coin which he never bothered to consider. That was not a scenario which was sustainable from a relationship point-of-view. In a healthy relationship, partners consider and honor their partner’s feelings as well as their own.

That goes for your self-relationship as well. Do you treat yourself with kindness? Or have you participated in negative self-talk? In the past, I was prone to this, beating myself up about both my appearance (i.e., I wish I had bigger boobs.) and my behavior (i.e., Why did I do that?). Negative self-messaging doesn’t help get yourself to better, rather it makes you feel worse, helpless, and doomed to that reality. Ultimately, I had to flip that line of thinking to feel better and to be better. I had to find my beauty and trust that at any given moment I was doing my best to be my best self. If negative self-talk and poor self-image is a problem for you, try flipping negative self-talk into a positive mantra.

My self-confidence is not an innate quality but a hard-won right. I’ve been in toxic relationships in the past, including an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. I knew I deserved better, and yet I devalued myself by over-staying in those relationships. When I began writing mantras for myself about how I want to manifest and who I want to be, an early one was simply, “I am worthy.” It’s a truth I knew, but wasn’t manifesting. I hadn’t internalized that message. It was in my head, but hadn’t yet made it into my heart.

A mantra is a way to fake it until you make it. Faking it is simply practicing the skill; Making it is the mastery of the skill. With time, I mastered the skill of self-worth through the mantra of reminding myself that I am worthy. That mantra has since been retired, because I no longer need it–I’m manifesting it. What negative self-talk do you need to flip? How can you turn that into a positive mantra?

A colleague of mine recently told me the story of a discouraging interaction with one of our coworkers who she’d worked with in another building. In both buildings, they’ve been on the same team. My colleague complained of feeling “stuck” with this coworker and asked herself, “What do I need to learn?” She was trying to reframe the situation in a productive way. This is an evolved perspective, and I told my colleague as much, but I also further expanded her reframing, offering that maybe it’s our coworker that has something to learn from her. My colleague isn’t the problem, and it’s not her work to do, even though she’s willing to do it.

What isn’t working for you in your life? How can you flip your thinking to get a fresh perspective? Flipping it is about expanding your perspective and cognitive flexibility. A more expansive persepective likewise expands your possible experience. By expanding your vision, you empower yourself to move beyond where you are now. Conversely, by limiting our perspective we limit our possibility.

After Isaac dumped me the first time, I bought that moleskine journal. I took a disappointing situation and tried to make something productive come from it. The journey that began with the moleskine includes writing a manuscript; winning third place in the memoir/personal essay category of the Writer’s Digest 88th Annual Writing Competition; attending a SLICE literary contest; meeting Nicole Krauss, my favorite contemporary novelist; and ultimately, this blog.

Isaac was the first man who taught me what I wanted in a man, rather than what I didn’t. The second time he dumped me, I wondered where to find another man like him–intellectual, cultured, charismatic witty, cosmopolitan, confident, compelling. I realized that the man was likely not in Lincoln, nor even Nebraska. That’s when I expanded my vision and began dating long distance. I still am, because it’s allowed me to date the rare kind of man who compels me. If you’re unhappy with your dating situation or relationship, how can you Flip It and broaden your vision and possibilities?

Flipping It isn’t a skill limited to dating and relationships. You can Flip and upend a myriad of things:

  • Situations
  • Relationships
  • Ideas
  • Mindsets
  • Dynamics
  • Power Structures
  • Clichés

Clichés embody limited thinking. They’re unoriginal because they’ve been repeated over and over. Repetition doesn’t by default denote truth or wisdom. A frequent cliché on Match is, “I’m a glass half full person.” While a good attitude is a nice quality, it misses a lot of lived experience that deserves to be acknowledged. If a glass is half full, it’s simultaneously half empty. They’re mutual truths. To focus on one part of the glass is to miss the full reality. And is the glass really eternally half full/empty? Sometimes it may overflow and at other times be empty. Have you considered what liquid is in the glass? Or if the glass might be filled with sand? Or, as Isaac once posed, “What glass?”

Have you ever worried about being left out or missing out? I remember that feeling. FOMO, the fear of missing out, is an externally-centered concern about what other people are doing. Flipping it, would be shifting that to an internal focus, a self-awareness of what you enjoy doing, who you want to be, and exploring that. After all, you are the party. You get to determine what kind of party it is and who’s invited. Try to focus on your party, not whether or not you’re invited to someone else’s. You get to plan the party. Are you ready to start planning?

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied, expand your vision, pushing at limits you may have accepted unknowingly. Maybe those limits aren’t there at all, or maybe you can push the boundary a little farther out. Explore flipping your thinking, questioning assumptions, looking for new perspective to find new possibilities, and with that, empowerment.

Flipping it begins by recognizing what your limits of perception are, then questioning and upending those limits. Instead of asking yourself why, ask Why not? Instead of passively accepting that shit happens, assertively turn that into Make shit happen. And then, do your best to make it so!

Final Thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with some realm of your life, try expanding your vision. Take a bird’s eye view to try and see things in a new way and find new possibilities. What do you want to liberate yourself from? What terms do you want to live by? How do you want to manifest? What part of your life do you want to live more expansively? Imagine…and good luck out there!

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