Dating

Relationship Mistakes: Apply What You’ve Learned

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We all have lived experience, some of it good, and unavoidably, some bad. This experience–what happens to us, what we make happen, and how we respond to what happens–helps inform who we are and how we grow (or fail to) as individuals. Ideally, we evolve and become better versions of ourselves, having learned some lessons from our lived experience, including relationships and relationship mistakes.

Most of us have made our share of relationship mistakes. To do better going forward, it’s important to learn from those mistakes, then be intentional about applying what you’ve learned.

Lessons Learned

At this point, hopefully you’ve learned some lessons from your dating and relationship history to help guide you in your dating experience. Myself, I’ve learned enough to fill a (literal) manuscript. I also have notes aplenty for manuscripts yet-to-be.

If you haven’t been intentional about learning from your relationship history, it’s worth taking time to reflect on this. What were some relationship issues from your past? Do you have any relationship mistakes that haunt you? Relationship regrets? Relationship mistakes might include actions and behaviors of yours; your choice of a romantic partner who was a poor fit; or the problematic behavior of a former partner.

If nothing easily comes to mind, do a Relationship Autopsy (per my last post) to dig down and really identify past issues, so that you can avoid repeating them.

If you’re intentional about learning from your relationship history, this can also help you identify your Relationship Values, elements that are crucial to your ability to thrive in relationship. It can also help you recognize any patterns of behavior that you want to replace in yourself or, conversely, avoid in a partner.

In this post, we’ll focus on applying the lessons we’ve learned from our dating-relationship history.

Be Aware: Recognizing Your Mistakes and Theirs

To apply the lessons you’ve learned from relationship mistakes, it’s necessary to bring an awareness–an objective eye–to your experience in real time. If you’re able to Zoom Out effectively, you can watch your own behavior, as well as the behavior of any potential romantic partners.

With that watchfulness, you want to be on the lookout for any of your past behaviors/choices that you want to interrupt or any behaviors from matches that are problematic. Of course, you’ll also want to pay attention any positive or attractive behaviors and chemistry as well–this is what we’re ultimately after.

Self-Awareness

Start with yourself. We carry our histories with us, but in each moment we have the opportunity to choose who we are anew and where we want to go. To put the best version of ourselves out there, first we must have a strong self-awareness–recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, inclinations, and patterns of behavior.

Acknowledge your shortcomings, both past and present, in relationships so that you can address those behaviors and tendencies going forward. If you identify areas that you still need to work on, zoom out and ask yourself why you engage in that behavior or have that tendency. What feeling is behind it? How does that behavior serve you?

For instance, if you recognize that you’re prone to being defensive, ask yourself why. Usually defensiveness is a shield for insecurities, either presuming that someone’s on the attack or a deflective denial of any wrongdoing.

Whatever negative behavior you recognize, dig down and get to the bottom of why you’re manifesting this behavior and what you can do to interrupt it. In the example of defensiveness, you might ask yourself: What am I insecure about? Why? Have I had this behavior modeled for me(e.g., from a parent)? What can I do to build my confidence? How can I interact in a more prosocial way?

Tweak the questions to suit whatever behavior pattern you’re trying to interrupt, so that you can truly understand the Why behind the pattern of behavior. Then, practice a replacement behavior. When doing so, think, “Fake it till you make it.” Practice is the ‘Fake It’ part, until you internalize the new behavior mindset.

In our example, let’s say that you realize your defensive behavior is because your father’s always been hypercritical of you, so you’re constantly on guard expecting criticism. To practice a replacement behavior, try to catch yourself feeling, behaving, or talking in a defensive manner and truth it out–Is this person really saying something that’s critical of me or am I assuming that’s their intent? If it is critical, then listen to them and honestly consider whether what they say is valid.

Additionally, you can write/repeat any mantras and self-messaging that you want to internalize and practice. In our example, that could look like, “Don’t assume that everyone’s on the attack.” To work on any insecurities, maybe something along the lines of, “I’m worthy” or “I’m doing fine.” If you deflect any criticism, perhaps “Listen instead of deflect.” An appropriate mantra will depend on what the motivation behind the behavior is.

By knowing any personal foibles, you can be on the lookout for them, catch yourself in real time, and practice the replacement behavior. This practice will help you put the best version of yourself out there, which will make you feel more confident and help you attract better matches. If you’re already mindful of doing the work to be the most evolved version of yourself at any point in time, then well done!

Now, let’s consider what you’ve learned about behaviors of former romantic partners…

Pay Attention: Be on the Lookout for Potential Mistakes

People are always giving us information through their words and behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to this information so that we can see them for who they are. There are probably some behaviors of former romantic partners that you found problematic. Keeping in mind that we’re all imperfect, determine what behaviors you can live with and which are dealbreakers.

Red Flags: Avoiding Problematic Partners

Once you’ve identified behaviors of former partners that were problematic for you, be on the lookout for those behaviors with potential matches. For instance, when my ex and I disagreed about something, he was frequently condescending and dismissive of my point of view, devaluing me. As a result, I’ve developed a very acute radar for when a man mistreats or behaves in a disrespectful manner to me.

Last year, I went on a date with P and on another date with R. There were a lot of things I liked about both of them, however, on each date I recognized condescending behaviors on their part.

P had a tendency to mansplain. R’s problematic behaviors were twofold–he made assumptions about me rather than listening to me and he was very aggressive about his point of view. P’s approach was gentler, but it was still condescending.

The thing is, while I recognized their behaviors for what they were, it still took me some time to process the dynamics of our interactions. I went into both dates hopeful, but I had some misgivings on the dates themselves that gave me pause. When you have misgivings or pause about an interaction, a behavior, or a relationship dynamic, pay attention–that’s a red flag that you are raising and waving at yourself.

Heed the flag and examine the behavior that you noticed. I liked both men enough that their behavior was unexpected and caught me off-guard. Despite hours on the phone, I hadn’t experienced either the condescension or verbal aggressiveness prior to meeting them. They were showing me who they are, but it was a side of them I hadn’t witnessed before.

I had to remember where I’d been and the lessons that I’d already learned and knew so well, then apply that knowledge to the current situation. It wasn’t an immediate recognition of the behavior with neon lights screaming at me, “NO GO!” Rather, it was a confusion, a subtle wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?” It was a not liking how it felt, then a further examination of my misgivings. Pay attention to those disquieting moments; they’re tells.

Green Lights: Watch for Good Signals

On the flipside, while you’re on the lookout for any problem behaviors, also pay attention and notice any attractive behaviors. Do they treat you well? Are they affirming of who you are? Do you feel seen and heard? Are you at ease with them? These are signs of someone who could potentially be a good partner.

Further, if you recognize attractive and positive behaviors, share that with the person–affirm their positive behavior and make them feel appreciated. Feeding the connection with positive reinforcement will nurture the connection and feel good for both of you. Kindness feels good, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. And if the chemistry is good, positive affirmation can also provide some momentum to the connection.

All Systems Go: No Serious Mistakes Detected

We all have histories. To be ready for right relationship, we need to learn and evolve from our histories rather than let the baggage from our history burden us and the potential of future relationships. And, we deserve romantic partners who do the same.

If you’re actively engaged in being the most evolved version of yourself that you can be and you don’t see any behaviors that are red flags or dealbreakers from your potential partner, then have fun exploring and enjoying the connection for whatever it can be!

Final Thoughts

We are our histories, but we can use our histories productively, learning from our relationship mistakes rather than being limited by them. With an awareness of our histories and an eye on where we are, we’re empowered to live better, make better choices, and have better relationship(s). Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Photographs

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

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A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

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Have you ever felt stuck in your dating life? Craved for things to be different? If so, you’re not alone.

There are all kinds of reasons we might feel dissatisfied with the way things are going and all kinds of reasons we may want to try something different. It’s okay to feel dissatisfied with the way thing are. The good news is, you can do something about it.

Different Phases

We go through different phases in our life, because we’re living through experiences and evolving as individuals. Things are happening to us, we’re making things happen, or maybe our lives are fairly static. Whatever our lived experience, we can’t help but respond to it in some way. Sometimes this response is a positive emotion, such as satisfaction and gratitude for the way things are going, but sometimes we have a more negative emotional response to our situation, such as disappointment, regret, or wistfulness.

The emotional reactions we have to our lived experience can in turn impact that experience itself. If you’re feeling sad about a break-up, you may not feel like dating for a while. Alternately, a break-up may feel liberating, and you may want to really put yourself out there. Your emotional response to the experience impacts how you feel about dating. For our purposes, I refer to these different feelings and experiences over time as Phases.

For Example

David and I had a strong connection from the beginning. When he broke it off, it completely blindsided me. Severely depressed, I didn’t date for almost a year. I had to grieve and come to terms with my new reality before I was ready to move on. The grief was one phase and being in a place where I was ready to put myself back out there was another phase.

My relationship with Stanley was more turbulent in general. In the last year of our relationship, I broke it off with him five times. By the time I was able to stick the landing, I’d already largely grieved the relationship and was ready to move on. Two weeks after the break up, I was back on Match. Actively committing to the relationship and trying to make it work was a phase; being willing to walk away from the relationship, but not sticking the landing was another phase; and sticking the landing of the break up and moving on was yet another phase.

Evolution over Time

Like the moon, we can be essentially the same, yet evolve with time. The woman I am today, is not the same as the woman I was when I started dating after my divorce. In the meantime, I’ve had experiences that have shaped me and that I’ve grown from. I’ve come into my own. I’ve evolved into a stronger more confident version of myself.

There are some men from my past who wouldn’t be a good fit for me today. While there was a reason I went out with them at the time, they don’t suit the woman who I’ve evolved to be.

And yet, I’m still the same me at my core–empath, lover, learner, English major, etc. I’m the same, but different. I’ve evolved over time much like the moon presents itself in different phases over time, yet the moon remains the same.

How have you evolved over time?

Other Factors

There are plenty of other factors that can influence how we’re feeling and responding to our experience at different points in time–health; financial well-being; professional experiences; personal relationships; family issues; social context; etc.

Personally, I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder. For me, this means that my mood and outlook can be very different in the late fall/winter than in the spring/summer months. My mood and outlook go through seasonal phases, much like the moon goes through phases over time.

How are the factors in your life currently affecting your outlook?

Matching Your Dating Strategy to Your Current Phase

To match your dating strategy to where you’re currently at, first you need to assess where you are and how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling good about the way things are going, then why shift strategies? However, if you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with how things are going, it’s worth considering how shifting your strategy might improve your outlook and experience.

Recently, my friend Evan told me that he’s gotten off Match. He said that the interactions he was having with women weren’t that interesting. He’s a public speaker, and, for now, he’s going to focus his energy on having an “I’m available” vibe at his events. It’s not the first time he’s shifted strategies to match where he’s currently at. And, it’s quite possible that he’ll find his way back to Match or some other dating platform in the future if “vibing” doesn’t work well for him.

If you’re dissatisfied with your current dating experience, why is that? What isn’t working in your present tense? What would you like to happen? How can you help that happen in ways that aren’t happening now?

Changing Up Your Strategy

There are several things you can do to change up your strategy, whether you’re looking to expand or refine your dating options.

Dating Platforms

If you aren’t already on a dating platform, try setting up a profile. These days, online dating is common, and there are lots of people out there to meet. This is an easy way to make new potential connections.

If you’re already on a platform, consider whether your profile is as effective as it could be. Are you adequately showcasing who you are both through photos and a biographical summary? Is it easy for potential connections to get a sense of your personality, lifestyle, and what you look like across time and place? If not, you might consider upgrading your profile.

If you’re just setting up or upgrading your profile, make sure to have several current photos, including both head shots and full-body shots. It’s important to also write a summary to go with your profile. The summary is how potential matches will get a sense of the kind of person you are and whether you might be a good potential match for them.

If you’re already on a platform and feel good about your profile, why not try a new platform? There are plenty of options out there, each with different strengths and weaknesses. Some platforms are tailored to broad audiences (i.e., Match, Plenty of Fish, Hinge) and others to a particular demographic (i.e., JDate, Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Grindr). Try a new one that suits where you’re at.

Alternately, try a new tool on your current platform. My favorite tool on Match has been Discover, where based on my dating preferences, Match daily sends me profiles of potentially suitable matches. I go through the profiles to see if there’s anyone that piques my interest. However, when my daily discoveries went from 200 to 50, I started to make use of the Search tool as well as checking out the Highlights section.

Geographic Distance

Another way to change up your dating strategy is to consider altering your geographic search. By broadening your geographic search, you also broaden your pool of potential matches. Are you willing to consider dating someone a little further away to have a better opportunity at finding a good match?

How far you’re willing to expand your search, and the resulting payoff, may be dependent on where you live. In a cosmopolitan area, broadening it by 10 miles could give some good results. Broadening it by 50 miles could potentially have a huge impact.

For me, in Lincoln, Nebraska, 60 miles allows for the Omaha area to be part of my search. 500 miles allows for Kansas City, Denver, and Chicago to be included in my search. 1500 miles allows a search including all of the lower forty-eight states. Broadening my search to 1500 miles is something I did gradually over several years. As a result, I’ve met some fascinating men from across the country.

Some dating platforms that easily allow for a broader geographic search include Match, Elite Singles, Zoosk, and EHarmony.

Who You’re Willing to Consider

If you’re dissatisfied with the status of your dating life, it might be worth considering the type of people you’ve been dating. Are you willing to expand on your type to shake things up and explore new possibilities? Or alternately, do you need to consider narrowing your type to find more satisfactory matches?

You can consider expanding or narrowing your type as you sift through profiles, but you can also broaden or narrow your type by adjusting your search settings, such as:

  • Age
  • Height
  • Body type
  • Race/Ethnicity
  • Education Level
  • Religion/Faith

I’ve gone through phases where I was open to dating outside of my “type” to see if anyone surprised me. Inevitably, I tend to return to my default type because I find such men stimulating and attractive.

Ideally, you want to narrow your pool of possibilities enough that you’re satisfied with your matches, yet broaden your pool enough that you aren’t limiting yourself out of good possibilities. Who are you willing to potentially open yourself up to?

Alternative Ways to Meet People

Though we live in a time when online dating seems to be the norm, there are other ways to meet people. Consider whether you’re open to alternative ways to meeting potential matches other than an online platform. Look for and create opportunities to meet potential matches. Is there anything you could do to hep yourself that you aren’t currently doing? For example…

Ask a friend to set you up with someone

Recently, my friend Erik was introduced to someone by a friend. It went well, and they’ve been dating her for several weeks now. I hope to meet her sometime soon!

Several years ago, my friend Leah was reintroduced to someone. The chemistry flew and they married the following year.

Do you have any friends you trust enough to set you up? If so, ask if they know anyone you might be compatible with.

Singles Events

Have you tried any singles events? Do a Google search to see what’s available. Check for local Match and Facebook events. See if there are any speed dating opportunities in your area.

Get Out

Are you getting out of the house and doing things with some regularity? The more you get out of the house, the more opportunity you have to meet people. If you’re participating in activities and attending events you enjoy, you’re putting yourself in a social context where you’re surrounded by people with a similar interest.

My birthday is coming up. To celebrate, I’m going to Omaha’s Joslyn Art Museum. It’s something I’ll enjoy, and while I have no expectation of meeting someone, I’ll be in an environment with other people who also enjoy art. Years ago, I met Mac at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris. We chatted at the cafe over lunch, and ended up spending the next couple of days together. Keep yourself open to opportunity!

Go to events, take yourself to dinner, go listen to live music, join a club, participate in an activity–put yourself in a context where you’re doing something you enjoy and have the opportunity to meet likeminded people. If you meet someone you’re interested in and attracted to, flirt a little…or a lot!

Approach Someone You’re Drawn to

Unless you live in a remote are, you’re probably around people frequently, whether at the grocery store, on the trail, at a place of worship, in a museum, at a restaurant, or in an airport. While you’re out and about living your life, If you see someone who you’re drawn to and seems to be available, try to approach them.

If there’s any easy way to strike up conversation naturally, do so. If you’re at a restaurant, it could be, “How’s the salmon? It looks delicious.” At an art museum, perhaps something along the lines of, “Do you like Sol LeWitt’s (or whatever artist has a piece/exhibition there) work?”

If they seem receptive to conversation, let them know that they caught your eye. Say something specific and authentic, so it doesn’t come off as a line, such as “You have a lovely smile,” or “I like your jacket. It looks good on you. You have a great sense of style.”

If you do approach someone, be careful to read the signals they’re sending you, especially if you’re a man approaching a woman; women feeling safe is a legitimate concern. If your conversation seems unwelcome, be respectful and back off quickly and politely.

Time

How much time are you willing to devote to finding romantic possibility? If you want more to happen, try devoting more time to your search, going through online profiles, putting yourself out there, and communicating with potential matches.

Conversely, if you’re feeling burnt out, put that time into yourself! Do and pursue your curiosities and interests. When you’re ready to put more time into your romantic search, you’ll be that much more intriguing and evolved.

How much time are you willing to devote to limited romantic possibility? I’ve gone through phases where I’ve spent time engaging in flirtations with men I liked, even though I sensed there probably wasn’t a future for the connection. At such times, it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn’t going anywhere. And flirtations, even ones without a future, can be fun and affirming.

And yet, currently, my feeling is that I don’t want to waste my time (or someone else’s) if the connection doesn’t seem to have any real potential. Do you need to prioritize how much time you devote to limited possibility, or are you enjoying such interactions even if they may not have a future?

Final Thoughts

Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your phase, however evolved you’ve become, be mindful of where you are. By doing so, you can act with intention and in accordance with whatever makes the most sense for the phase you’re in at any given time. And if you’re ready for something more to happen, then try something different to help it happen.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–Intimacy without Commitment

Discerning Who You’re Looking For

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A lot of us mid-life singles have a clear idea of what we seek in a romantic partner and relationship. To that end, in my last post, I explored the efficacy of using a checklist of desirables for a romantic partner as a general guide to navigate with, rather than a rigid rulebook of must-haves that limits you out of relationship.

But what if you’re newly single and still getting oriented to your new milieu? What if you don’t know what you want in a romantic partner? What if what you’ve been doing and who you’ve been dating hasn’t worked out so well for you? What if nothing much is happening in your love life? Are you willing to open yourself to new possibilities? If you’re not sure who you’re seeking or you’re willing to reconsider who you might be open to, then this post is for you!

Let’s consider how you can better orient yourself to navigate in the direction you want to go, even if you don’t know which way that is yet…

Patterns of Attraction

If you don’t have a sense of who you’re looking for at all, it might be helpful to reflect on whether you have any patterns of attraction to certain qualities or types of people. Consider past relationships, dates, interactions, and dating profiles. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your dating and relationship history? Are there any qualities that you find enticing or are drawn to?

These qualities may be:

  • Physical Traits: height; ethnic heritage; skin color; eye color; hair color/style; body type…
  • Personality Traits: confidence; sense of humor; carriage; intellect; generosity; thoughtfulness; punctuality; introvert/extrovert…
  • Type of Career/Profession: artistic/creative; scientist; pilot; medical; military; education; technical; entertainment; financial…
  • Perspective: politics; religion…
  • Lifestyle: urban; outdoorsy; maritime; rural; social; travel…
  • Talents: musical; artistic; writing; woodworking; cooking, athletic/sports…
  • Recreational Pursuits: surfing; sailing; equestrian; hiking; running; skiing…

After a few years of post-divorce dating, I realized that I was dating a lot of men with a Mediterranean heritage–specifically Jewish, Greek, and Italian. I’ve also dated a lot of creative/artistic men. I don’t limit myself to such men, but I learned to recognize that those are attractive qualities to me, giving me a self-awareness which has empowered me in my romantic search.

Similarly, my friend Leah, who remarried a couple of years ago, remarked to me that all of her significant romantic relationships, including both husbands, were men of Irish descent. A little uncanny for someone outside of Boston, and definitely a pattern of attraction.

My hairstylist’s two most significant romantic relationships were both with engineers. Coincidences such as this are generally more than simple serendipity. For some reason, she’s been drawn to engineers in her past. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your relationships and dating history?

If you can’t pinpoint any particular patterns yet, pay attention to this going forward, as you look at dating profiles and go on dates. If you find a particular profile or person attractive or intriguing, what is it about them that draws you in? Their piercing eyes? Their sense of humor? Their active lifestyle? Be attuned to any patterns.

Once you identify some qualities that resonate with you, you can use that as a general guide to help you navigate the dating landscape. Recognizing such qualities doesn’t need to limit you to those qualities. Rather, use that awareness to empower you in your search for a suitable and attractive romantic partner.

The Rearview Mirror

Besides having an awareness of what qualities you find attractive in a romantic partner, it can be helpful to look back on your past relationships and dating history to analyze where you’ve been–what has worked for you in the past, as well as what hasn’t worked. You can use this knowledge to help you recognize good potential partners and steer clear of bad situations.

What Worked

When I started dating again post-divorce, I was surprised after a year of multiple misfires to find that I was attracted to the same kind of man mid-life that I was in college. My college sweetheart was a tall dark handsome art history major with a playful sense of humor. Isaac, the first man who really made me swoon in mid-life, was a Jewish (check: tall dark handsome) art museum director (check: art type) and is one of the funniest men I’ve ever known (check: sense of humor).

Recognizing these parallels was a powerful light bulb moment for me. Going forward, I was able to avoid wasting time on men who couldn’t sustain my interest and focus my energy on the kind of men who could. Ever since, I’ve been able to up my dating game, dating men who I’ve found more intriguing and who’ve better suited me.

To find a suitable partner as you go forward, begin by looking in the rearview mirror. What qualities in a partner have worked for you in the past?

What Didn’t

Conversely, consider what hasn’t worked out for you in the past. Do a Relationship Autopsy on your big relationships. Why haven’t they worked out? Be honest about owning your role and make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partners that was problematic. Going forward, you can attend to your own shortcomings and be on the lookout for problematic behaviors in potential partners.

If you see any unhealthy patterns that you’ve manifested in the fallout of your relationships, then be attentive to that and do the work you need to do to ensure more success in the future. I’ve certainly done a lot of work toward being the best version of myself that I can muster at any given time, as well as to be the best romantic partner that I can be. In a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners are working toward that end. If the bulk of the emotional work of relationship falls to one person in the relationship, that’s a setup for failure.

If your romantic partner didn’t or doesn’t do their best to be their best self and partner, then there’s nothing more you can do. That’s their shortcoming, and it limits the potential for the relationship. You either live with it, or you move on and learn from it.

My Story

In my marriage, there was a lot of drama. When my ex and I disagreed, he was condescending and dismissive of my point-of-view. We didn’t need to be in disagreement for him to be dismissive of my feelings. I knew that I deserved to be treated better, but while years of emotional and verbal abuse made me resilient, it also made me emotionally vulnerable.

With Stanley, once again, my feelings were frequently dismissed. He prioritized his ex’s needs over mine. He promised much, but his actions failed to follow through. So much of our relationship never made sense to me, yet by staying in the relationship, I was at some level accepting the situation, because I was accepting a partner who treated me that way.

Eventually, I got fed up with being in relationships where my feelings were marginalized and I was mistreated. I knew that I deserved better, but it was up to me to reject worse and claim better. I couldn’t do that within the contexts of those relationships, because the partners I was with had limitations.

What I learned from these relationships forms the basis of my Relationship Values–how I want to feel in relationship and what I want in a romantic partner. These days, I pay close attention to how a man makes me feel; whether I feel seen and heard by him; whether his words match his actions; and whether or not a situation makes sense to me. If I want to have a successful relationship, I need to choose a partner who’s capable of being the kind of partner I seek.

Kate’s Story

My friend Kate, reflecting on her dating history, realized that she’s dated a lot of “Assholes”. Essentially, that translates as men who haven’t treated her well or made her feel valued, often amounting to them blowing her off. She may have liked them, but she didn’t like the way they made her feel. Having an awareness of this, she’s developed an Asshole-radar which she pays close attention to.

Your Story

Looking back on your relationship and dating history what are the big red flags that you see in the rearview mirror? What were the problem areas of your past relationships? What faults and characteristics of your past partners caused you so much grief that you want to steer clear of them in the future? What are your relationship values?

Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Final Thoughts

Having an awareness of your patterns of attraction, as well as characteristics in partners that have and haven’t worked for you in the past, allows you to be more intentional in your search for a suitable romantic partner. Work to be your best you and know what does and doesn’t work for you, so you’re ready for that right romantic partner and recognize them when you see them!

May you find the partner who’s worthy of you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

Use that Checklist as a Guide, not a Rulebook

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Except for those among us who are freshly single after years off-market (and still orienting themselves to their new context), most of us singles have a sense of what we’re looking for and attracted to in a romantic partner. The longer we’re single and oriented to this gig, and the older we are and have a strongly developed sense of ourselves, the more we tend to settle into a sense of the kind of romantic partner we want and who suits us.

This sense of what we seek in a romantic partner often takes the form of a mental checklist of qualities, characteristics, desirables, and/or must-haves. While such a checklist can be a helpful guide, keeping us from expending too much time on poor matches, if a checklist is too rigid, it may prevent us from meeting our ultimate goal of relationship and right romantic partnership.

The Role of a Checklist

The purpose of a checklist should be to help you find a suitable romantic partner, not rule good potential partners out. To that end, be careful how you use your checklist so that you don’t prematurely dismiss a great connection.

The abundance of profiles that come with online dating can amplify the propensity to be dismissive of potentially good matches. It’s okay to be picky, but if you truly seek relationship, at some point you need to pick someone rather than succumb to the paradox of choice. And with luck, they’ll pick you too.

So, how to use a checklist productively? Let’s explore…

Re-Purposing that Checklist as a Guide

Think of your checklist as a GPS, steering and navigating you to where you want to go, in this case, to a romantic partner. The purpose of GPS is to help you arrive at your destination. When you plug in your destination, sometimes GPS gives you alternate routes to choose from. But those aren’t the only routes to your destination, GPS is simply trying to find your best options. Sometimes, I go off-route and GPS has to catch up to me and reconfigure my route. And sometimes I do that romantically as well.

Furthermore, there are plenty of destinations worth visiting, not just one. So, why be rigid about one route to one destination? Let’s expand our navigation options, so we can find a suitable destination rather than limiting ourselves from the get-go.

Breaking Down the Checklist

The checklist is to help you discern good candidates for relationship, but if you give equal weight to all items on the checklist, it works more as a rulebook, a binary yes/no in/out scenario, potentially dismissing good possible mates because they don’t fully measure up to a perceived ideal. But Ideal isn’t real, and holding out for it is a pointless endeavor. Reality is where we live. To keep it real, look for the real person whose preciousness you can appreciate, despite their imperfections.

To re-envision your checklist as a guidance system, you need to breakdown the items in your checklist. Consider each item a guidepost to help you get where you are going, and keep in mind that some signage is more important than other signage.

Must-Haves vs. Preferences

Consider the qualities you find attractive in a partner–physical looks, personality traits, values, education level, politics, faith, career, sexuality, location, etc. What are you drawn to in a partner? What do you want? What do you need? What turns you on?

Must-Haves

Now, breakdown those qualities into must-haves and preferences. Must-haves are the qualities that without them are dealbreakers. These are qualities that are so important that you can’t envision relationship without them. The nature of these qualities has different weight for different people. You get to decide what your must-haves are.

While it’s important to define what you must have in a relationship/romantic partner, try to keep your list of must-haves small. The longer and more rigid this list becomes, the more narrow your pool of possibilities and potential matches becomes in turn.

Preferences

Preferences are those qualities that are inclinations, turn-ons, and desirables. Knowing your preferences can help you identify good potential matches, and by not qualifying them as must-haves, you allow wiggle room for flexibility, the wonderment of the individual, the person who surprises you, and the exciting expansiveness of possibility.

For Example

In my years as a single, I’ve discovered that I have a strong inclination toward men of Mediterranean descent. I’ve dated a ridiculous amount of men who claim a Jewish, Italian, or Greek heritage. That’s a preference but not a must-have.

However, physical attraction is a must-have for me. If I don’t feel physically attracted to a man, then I don’t see the point of exploring the connection. It just so happens that I find a lot of men of Mediterranean descent particularly physically attractive, but Mediterranean heritage doesn’t account for all of the men who I find physically attractive.

A friend of mine has a very particular sexual proclivity. For him, this is a must-have in relationship. It’s a very specific and strong inclination that’s important to him. This proclivity narrows down his pool of potential mates dramatically, but it’s important enough to him that he opts for that.

Different qualities have different importance for different people. For some, religious faith is an important must-have in a partner. But if that must-have takes the form of a specific denomination, that narrows someone’s options significantly, rather than allowing some wiggle room in what form that faith can take. As you think about your must-haves, consider where you can allow for that wiggle room.

You

You get to decide what your must-haves and your preferences are. Knowing both can help you discern good potential romantic connections, and limiting your must-have list will help keep your possibilities open. The more you limit your must-haves, the more you open yourself to possibilities. Conversely, the longer and more specific your list of must-haves, the narrower your pool of possibilities becomes.

Turn-Offs vs. Dealbreakers

Much as must-haves and preferences can help you discern a good potential romantic partner, turn-offs and dealbreakers can help you avoid wasting overmuch time on individuals who aren’t a good fit. To return to the GPS analogy, turn-offs and dealbreakers help you navigate away from dead-end roads and avoid plugging in a destination that’s not where you really want to go.

Turn-Offs

A turn-off is anything that is an undesirable or less than ideal quality, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. Pay attention to turn-offs, they rightly give you cause to pause, but if the person has enough attractive qualities, consider whether the connection is worth further discernment. After all, we’re all imperfect. In the larger context of the individual, is the turn-off potentially negotiable for you?

Dealbreakers

A dealbreaker is a quality that you feel so strongly about that you can’t even entertain the idea of relationship with someone because of it; it’s an absolute with no room for negotiation. As with must-haves, the longer the list of dealbreakers, the more your pool of possibilities narrows.

For Example

Damon was a smoker. A turn-off for me, but I liked Damon more than I disliked his smoking. Ideally, I’m not looking to get involved with a smoker, but I made an allowance for him because I really liked him.

Paolo has multiple marriages and divorces in his past. I’m a divorcee myself, but multiple marriages/divorces always gives me pause. That said, he has many qualities that outshine this aspect of his history. And we all have histories. His history is part of him, but it doesn’t define him. With Paolo, I choose to look beyond the history and see the man he is now.

I was enjoying getting to know Jay, but when he disclosed that he’d be celebrating the Christmas holiday with his ex, that was a dealbreaker for me. At this point in my life, I won’t get involved with a man who can’t leave his past in the rearview mirror. Been there; done that; can’t do it again. That situation was an emotionally turbulent experience that I don’t care to revisit.

You

When defining your dealbreakers vs. turn-offs, consider which are absolute non-negotiables and where you can allow wiggle room for the right person. What are your limits and where can you be flexible? We’re all imperfect; what imperfections can you allow for? As with must-haves, the longer the list of dealbreakers, the more your pool of possibilities narrows.

A Spectrum vs. a Binary Perspective

As you sort through your must-haves vs. preferences and turn-offs vs. dealbreakers, envision it as a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is the must-haves and at the other end, the dealbreakers. If one is white and the other black, everything in between is a gradation, mostly gray.

This is where we live, the messy gray. Life isn’t a clear-cut simplistic binary endeavor. Life’s complicated, and so are people. Where on that spectrum are you going to draw your limits? How broad are you going to keep your spectrum of possibilities?

Seeing the Person Behind the Profile

Behind each profile is a real person. Okay, except for the bots and fake profiles which are an unfortunate annoyance with online dating…but for the most part, the profiles represent real people, individuals with stories, histories, successes, and failures.

Profiles are a watered down version of the real person. Some people have nothing to say in their profiles–they literally (I’m an English major–I’m using that word correctly.) don’t write anything in their profile. Such profiles don’t promise much for the person behind them. But, when you find someone whose profile resonates with you, explore that.

Embrace exploring the nuances and substance behind the photos and bio blurb. Try to keep any flaws, imperfections, and turn-offs in perspective as you discern the person and your connection (as long as they hit your must-haves and you don’t encounter any dealbreakers). Allow for the preciousness of connection, when you feel it.

That checklist we each have serves us best as a guide, not as a rigid prescribed route. Have fun exploring off-road, and be mindful of recognizing the person who you want to lock in as your destination despite what may or may not be on your checklist.

Here’s a paragraph from my Match profile that goes to this:

I am looking for someone that I have a genuine connection with, who is sincerely looking for a someone special in their life. Someone who, if we are lucky enough to find each other, is willing to look up from his checklist (if we are connected the things on the checklist stop mattering) and see me looking back at him, and who is willing to follow it and take a risk, despite our mutual imperfections.

Final Thoughts

You get to decide what you need and what your limits are in a romantic partner and relationship. As you determine those needs and limits, consider where you’re able to be flexible and allow room for the nuances of the individual. The broader your spectrum of possibility, the more likely you are to find someone.

Good luck navigating to your destination!

Up Next: Discerning Who You’re Looking For

Why Not?

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In the spirit of my dear friend Erik, who this year has embraced “Why Not?” in his life, I repost this. In this past post, he considers whether or not to purchase a cap. This year, he’s levelled up living with a Why-Not attitude. Good luck to him, and may you find the spirit of “Why Not?” in your life as well…

I’ve been primarily dating long-distance for over a decade. For some men, dating long distance is a non-issue; for others, it’s a deal-breaker; and some men, intrigued by me, take it under consideration, not having considered it before. Because the reactions to dating long distance are so wide-ranging, I generally ask the men I interact with–Why are you willing to consider a girl from Nebraska?

Recently, Pierre responded, “Why not?” Almost a decade ago, Stanley answered the question the same way. I love that answer. Why not?

Why-not is an empowering and expansive stance for considering not just long-distance, not just dating, but life.

The why-not of dating long distance has expanded my life and brought me memories and men who I treasure as part of my story, even in the past tense–dancing in an open-air blues bar in Memphis with Damon; theatre-binging in Chicago with David S; riding around Santa Fe on the back of David M’s Vespa; drinking wine, watching the sunset, and stargazing on Edward’s rooftop terrace in Old Town Chicago; exploring the Lower East Side with John.

Embracing Why-Not

Why-not is the difference between doing something and thinking about doing something. Starting with why-not rather than why has led me to some compelling life experiences. For example…

Paris

I wanted to go to Paris. So, why not? I went alone, but I went.

Photo: Me with my Parisian boyfriend in 2013. Okay, he was really a street performer, but what fun!

Aerial Silks

Marvelling at the aerialists in one of the shows I went to with David S., I whispered several times, “I want to do that, I want to do that….” A few years later, I finally asked myself, “Why not?” and found an aerial silks studio nearby.

The Slice Literary Writers’ Conference

Seeing that Slice Magazine (now defunct) was hosting a Literary Writers’ Conference, I thought, “Why not submit an essay to see if I can attend?” I was accepted! Tentative that I might be out of my element, it turned out that I found myself in a sea of fellow English majors–I fit right in!

One of the conference keynotes at the conference was Nicole Krauss, my favorite contemporary novelist, so…Why not go up and talk to her after lunch? While I was talking and gesturing, she surprised me by taking my hand! It’s the only time in my life when I really didn’t want to wash my hand after shaking someone else’s. (There was some regret and hesitation when I did wash my hands later, but I do like to practice good hygiene, especially after using the toilet.)

Pandemic Playlist Porch Concerts

During the early days of the pandemic, I saw the videos of Italians serenading each other from their balconies and Spaniards applauding healthcare work workers at 8 p.m. I thought, “I can do that,” so Why not?

For over a year, I curated a pandemic playlist, posting a song of the day on social media and going out on my porch at 8 p.m. to play it via Bluetooth (Admittedly, I’m no musician–my serenading took the form of playing DJ.). Sometimes neighbors came to listen and socialize (at a safe distance and outside). I grew a small social media following, and I was interviewed for two different radio stories. I did one thing and other things happened.

Photo: June 2020. I’m in the foreground, with friends and neighbors who came for a Pandemic Playlist Porch Concert in the background.

Why-Not is an Openness to Exploring Possibilities

Not every why-not will end in success. But starting from a place of why-not rather than a place of why is starting from a place of possibility rather than a place of limitations. It’s starting without a box rather than in a box. Even why-nots that don’t fully manifest can better you, stretch you, and build your confidence and willingness to put yourself out there until a why-not does fully manifest.

Why-not is about trying to make things happen, but sometimes things don’t. Here’s a mix of why-nots that have and haven’t happened for me…

Writing

When I started writing in earnest, several friends commented that I should write a book. Hmmm….Why not? I asked myself. A decade later, I have an extant manuscript that remains unpublished and continues to require revision, but I WROTE A MANUSCRIPT. There are plenty of writers out there and plenty of manuscripts, but there are also plenty of people who dream of being a writer and never write a manuscript.

My manuscript itself is a mixed success, but it’s something I did, and the manuscript has set me up for other why-nots–a revised chapter of that manuscript got me into the SLICE Literary Writers’ Conference and another revised chapter won third place (and $250!) in the memoir/personal essay category of the Writer’s Digest 88th Annual Writing Competition.

Blog

Why not start a blog? Check. But, as some of you know, this is a second go-round. My first attempt was a less focused, and thus, less successful attempt. Last spring I asked myself–Why not give it new life and energy? We’ll see where this why-not takes me.

TED Talk

Why not pitch a TED Talk based on one of my chapters? I did, unsuccessfully. You can’t know which why-nots will fully manifest and which won’t, but you won’t find by out thinking about it, you can only find out by doing something about it.

Accomplished Writers

Why not pitch myself and my story to Leonard Pitts Jr. and Bruce Feiler? Leonard Pitts Jr.’s assistant contacted me, but in the end nothing manifested.

Bruce Feiler’s assistant also contacted me, then he went on to set up a Skype call for me with Bruce (in 2018 before Zoom’s pandemic heydey). Bruce interviewed me for his Top 10 New York Times Bestseller Life is in the Transitions. I’m on page 236.

Inviting the Why-Not (or Not)

Sometimes why-nots happen and sometimes they don’t. Why-not is starting from a place of possibility, discovery, and action. Why-not is active and assertive versus the passive inaction of why. You can only find the answer to possibility by pursuing the why-not. As my friend Bob said in the radio story about me, “She’s always up to something.” It’s because I’ve learned to start from a place of why-not–How else am I going to make things happen in my life?

Why-not is the boundless “Yes” of Yoko Ono. Perhaps you know the story of how John Lennon and Yoko Ono met when he came to see her show before its official gallery opening. In order to view one of her pieces, Lennon had to climb a ladder and use a magnifying glass to read the small-type text of “yes” on a canvas. Yes–a word of possibility that gobsmacked John Lennon.

Yes and why-not are invitations to possibility. What and who are you overlooking inviting into your life? Why not open yourself to yes and possibility? Why-not invites you to transform the dream into reality–dream it, research it, enact it.

Why-not removes the barriers that why embodies. Why not go to Paris alone got me to Paris. Why go to Paris alone would have kept me thinking about it or dismissing the idea altogether.

Why not doesn’t have to be a high stakes question, it’s just a question that opens you up to possibility rather than starting from a place of having to rationalize something. The other day, my friend Erik asked me whether he should get a Scally cap, not sure if he could pull off the look. My answer, naturally, was–Why not?

Of course, Erik getting a Scally cap is a low-risk scenario. Sometimes there are good reasons to answer why-not rather than leave it unanswered. I can think of plenty of good reasons why not to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, for instance.

Money, time, risk, and your feelings can all be sound answers to why-not. As someone who opens herself to possibility by dating long distance, I take a lot of precautions to minimize risk while still opening myself to possibility. I don’t go on a long distance date with just any man. The point of dating long distance is to find a special connection and with that, some fun. It’s not about having a reckless and wild adventure. To that end, I carefully gather information and discern both the man and the connection before committing to a long distance rendezvous.

I invite you to practice applying Why-not in your life. Why not take that trip? Why not apply for that job or start that business? Why not hike the Appalachian trail (Maybe I’ll do a portion in 2025…but first I have to plan my why-not trip to Italy in 2024!)? Why not climb Mt. Kilimanjaro (My friend Anne did for the first time at the age of 65, and she’s done it a second time since!)?

As for dating, Why not make a dating profile? Why not ask someone out if you’re interested in them? Why not consider someone long distance if you really like them? You know your whys better than I do, I simply challenge you to turn your whys into why-nots. Sometimes you’ll have a good reason not to do something, but maybe you’ll also find some room for possibility and making things happen. Who knows where a why-not could take you? Aren’t you curious to find out?

Final Thoughts

Who and what are you going to invite into your life this year? Pursue your possibilities and good luck why-notting out there!

Q & A: How do I Respond When I’m Not Interested?

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A reader recently posed the following question to me:

How to approach the problem of responding (or not) to someone who sends you an ardent and self-revealing message, but whom you simply have no interest in dating. Just not responding is obviously an option. But when they really put themselves out there, I feel shitty about meeting it with radio silence.  I’ve got my pat “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” message. But what I’m really flummoxed by is the following case: What to do when all indications are that someone is completely simpatico with you, on all kinds of levels that truly matter — except that you don’t find them at all physically attractive. My usual line in that case seems hollow and odd; yet I just can’t speak the whole truth. Help! 

His concerns are heartfelt, and he poses many good questions. Let’s break this scenario down.

You’re Not Interested…

When you’re in a dating context and like someone, but not in the romantic sense, it’s an uncomfortable spot. Our reader obviously has an admirable compassion. Dating’s a tricky gig, and hurt feelings, or in this case, hurting feelings is one of the tricky bits. Making ourselves emotionally vulnerable is an unavoidable part of the gig. Sometimes we get hurt. And sometimes, we wound others, even if it hurts us a little too.

….Because You’re Not Physically Attracted

There are a lot of different elements in discerning whether someone is a good romantic match or not, but I usually use physical attraction as my starting point.

People get on dating platforms with a myriad of intentions. Personally, I’m not on dating platforms to make friends (some people actively are), but to find a romantic partner. To that end, the first area of discernment for me is always the profile pictures. If I’m not physically attracted or can’t visualize potentially being physically intimate with the man, then I don’t bother going any further. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s essential that I’m physically attracted to any man I’m with.

There are a lot of interesting men that I’m not physically attracted to, and there are also men who I find physically attractive but lack compelling personalities. Personally, I want both. I think most of us do. The question becomes–How much time and energy are you willing to put into a connection (made in the context of a dating platform) that doesn’t hold romantic potential for you? Are you open to making friends along the way, or are you on the dating platform with a single-minded romantic focus?

If you’re single-minded in your purpose on platform, then you may want to use physical attraction as a starting point in your discernment, before moving on to personality. For me, this looks like not interacting with a man who I’m not physically attracted to, so as not to lead him on or encourage him.

If, however, you’re open to making friends along the way, then you’ll need to maneuver carefully in how you handle that on a dating platform.

…But They’re Simpatico

Sometimes you’re allured by someone’s personality, but the connection doesn’t make sense on a romantic level. Again, it’s a tricky space, especially if you meet on a dating platform, where the given context is romantic. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.

So, Do You Choose to Interact?

This is where you need to decide if you’re open to making/seeking friends on a dating platform in a continued contact way; whether you’re willing to interact to be polite; or whether you’re going to limit your interactions to people with whom you see romantic potential.

As I mentioned, when I look at profiles, I always start with the photos. If I’m not physically attracted, I don’t go further. When men reach out to me who I’m not attracted to, I don’t respond so as not to lead them on. The further one walks down that road, the messier it gets. I choose to abbreviate rather than stretch out any disappointment.

I’ve also had the situation where a man wasn’t interested in dating long-distance, but was nevertheless taken with my profile and wanted to get to know me. He was comfortable with putting limits on our relationship, but I’ve found those limits difficult. While I continue to engage with him, I’ve had to create my own boundaries to protect myself emotionally. Limits beget limits.

Visualize relationship as the shared space of a Venn Diagram. When you meet someone in a romantic context, but you’re not romantically interested, you’re shrinking the shared space. In turn, they’ll likely shrink that space further. How much time and energy are you willing to devote to that shrinking space?

If you decide that you’re intrigued enough by personality to choose to engage, then be sure to define your limits upfront, so as not to lead them on. This will take some tact, and they may not be interested in walking down a platonic path.

One way to frame this is some variation of, “I don’t feel that this is the relationship I’m looking for, yet I find you really simpatico. Would you be interested in continuing our conversation? If not, I totally understand.” Phrasing it this way defines your limits upfront, and while probably disappointing on her end, you’re also giving her the power of choice to say no.

They Put Themselves Out There

As for the ardent and self-revealing message where she put herself out there–Good for her! Again, making ourselves vulnerable is part of the gig we accept with dating. That she’s being vulnerable and authentic is a strength, not a weakness.

That doesn’t mean your romantic disinterest won’t wound her, but rather by being so forthcoming, she’s demonstrating a courage many people lack. Dating would probably be a much more simpatico experience in general if more people conducted themselves with her level of authenticity.

How to Respond

If you do choose to respond in some form, rather than radio silence, then it’s thoughtful to both honor her good qualities and likability, while also being clear that she isn’t a right fit for you. Your statement, “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” accomplishes this, but let’s look at how we could improve upon the flatness you’re feeling.

As a teacher, I’m trained to give specific feedback to students regardless of whether I’m praising or critiquing. Instead of “Good job!” I would say something along the lines of, “You read that so fluently!” or “You did a great job sounding that word out carefully!”

To that end, in addressing her good qualities, something more specific might give your response more dimensionality, such as, “I’m so impressed with your authenticity” or some other quality that you find attractive. Alternately, use language that sounds less canned than, “You seem great” and more like yourself, such as, “You seem simpatico in many ways.”

As for letting her down, while “I don’t think we’re a match” is clear without being unkind, I usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling the chemistry that I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.” The power in this terminology, for me, is that it goes to you are two unique individuals seeking chemistry. If the chemistry isn’t working, it’s not because anything’s wrong with either individual, but rather the relationship dynamic itself.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a tough and vulnerable gig with a lot of hard feelings. For most of us, it’s a means to an end–finding a stable loving relationship. Meanwhile, we subject ourselves to an emotional roller coaster in seeking that stability. Our reader is going about it with compassion. May we all do so to make a hard thing easier on others.

If you have any questions, please send them my way. See my contact page or scroll down and write a question in the comments below.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

The Role of Momentum

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Science was hardly my strong suit in school, but even I’m familiar with Newton’s law of motion:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This can just as easily apply to romantic scenarios as to the physical universe. If there’s no impetus to motion, the connection will falter and flag. Romance needs a kick-start, and that impetus is correlated to the level of interest.

Momentum has Different Speeds

Not all connections move forward at the same pace. All relationships are different, because each relationship is composed of two individuals creating a unique space that no one else shares. As a result, the pace of how those relationships are created can look different from one relationship to another.

I’ve had a relationship where we recognized our connection immediately and another where it took months to discern our level of interest. Think of it like the gears on a bike, you’re still moving forward but at different speeds. You and your potential mate get to mutually determine the pace that’s right for you.

That said, without enough Momentum, the bike will fall over, or to use another analogy, the connection will fizzle out, like firewood that never got a strong enough spark to start a fire.

Momentum and Discernment

Discernment is what I call the period when you’re discerning your level of interest in a potential match. During the Discernment phase, you want to engage enough to keep forward Momentum, while refraining from pushing forward a connection that doesn’t hold potential. So, how to balance Momentum with the need to discern?

Be intentional about actively using this discernment period as an information gathering stage. As you’re learning more about your potential match as an individual, pay attention to your level of compatibility, how they treat you, how you feel in their company, and any chemistry you have. This information can help you make informed decisions about how much Momentum to add, whether to back away, or whether to maintain your current pace.

Some considerations:

  • How physically attracted are you? A little? And then some? Extremely? Can you imagine being physically intimate with them? Is the physical intimacy satisfying?
  • How much are you enjoying the conversation? Is it so-so? Dull? Engaging?
  • Do they stimulate you? Pique your interest? Make you laugh?
  • Do you look forward to hearing from them? Are you eager to? Not so much?
  • How do they treat you? Are they kind? Respectful? Condescending? Do you feel seen and heard?
  • How do your interactions make you feel? Safe? Charmed? Energized? Anxious? Scrutinized?
  • How are you feeling about the connection at this point? Indifferent? Unsure? Intrigued? Hopeful? Excited?

Unless you know you’re ready to write the connection off, maintain any Momentum you already have while you explore the connection’s viability. To do this, maintain regular contact, whether messaging on platform, texting, phone calls, or in person rendezous.

Without regular contact, Momentum diminishes. There’s not going to be a relationship spark when one or both parties aren’t interested enough to maintain regular contact. Do you want to settle for someone who’s either not interested enough in you or that you’re not interested enough in to make the effort for regular contact?

For me, regular contact is often the form of a daily check-in, whether responding to a message on platform, a text to check in and wish them a good day, or a good night phone call. More than that, usually means that we’re actively building Momentum and feeling connection. Less than that is a good indicator that I’m either not feeling the connection, or it lacks sufficient Momentum to go anywhere.

For Example:

Here are some recent examples of the role of Momentum in my interactions:

Infrequency Stalls Out Momentum

Jonas’s communications were terse, but interesting. I’d respond within a day, as is my habit; his responses took longer, typically 3-4 days. The conversation was engaging enough that I continued to communicate with him, though with a lag of 3-4 days in responses, there wasn’t much Momentum. As a result, I had no expectation of the connection leading anywhere. I finally let go of the conversation when he mistakenly addressed me as “Lisa.” If he couldn’t even bother to remember my name, it seemed like a good time to bow out. We never even made it off-platform.

Absence Does NOT Make the Heart Grow Fonder

When Gary messaged me after no contact for three months, any Momentum we had was long gone. His absence was a bucket of water on the firewood. I didn’t bother to respond.

Adjusting Momentum with Discernment

Gradually Increasing Momentum

Jay was more communicative than Jonas, responding at least once a day at length. Sometimes we’d even dialogue on platform in real time. We had some Momentum. I enjoyed our conversation and had a good sense of him. I decided to add further Momentum to explore the viability of our connection, and level up a gear. I gave him my phone number.

We maintained our communication Momentum via text, much as we had on platform. As our conversation continued to unfold in an encouraging way, I added further Momentum, suggesting we chat on the phone. Real time conversation would allow me to get a better sense of him and further discern the viability of our connection.

Had things continued to go well, my next move would’ve been to throw out the idea of planning a rendezvous, if he didn’t suggest it himself. Unfortunately, I learned an aspect of his situation that’s a dealbreaker for me, so I hit the brakes.

Jonas and I never had any Momentum to launch us, no fuel to spark a fire, regardless of any compatibility we may or may not have had. With Jay, I gradually added Momentum to fuel our connection, until the connection no longer made sense.

Of course, I’m not always the one who attempts to add Momentum to the connection. When a man tries to advance our Momentum, I must decide if I’m comfortable and desirous of leveling up, or if I need to back off.

Decreasing Momentum

Walter and I had a pleasant exchange of daily messages, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. When he suggested that we exchange phone numbers, I withheld my daily message. By breaking the Momentum of our communication, I was sending a silent message so he wouldn’t be completely blindsided when I came to a full stop. The next day, I did message him, wishing him well, but explaining that I wasn’t feeling the kind of chemistry I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.

Being Intentional About Momentum

Sometimes between two people, the sparks fly quickly and the Momentum comes naturally. But, when that isn’t the case, it’s helpful to be intentional about gauging the pace of your connection’s Momentum and whether it matches your discernment of its potential or lack thereof.

Facets of Momentum

When determining how to match your pace to your feelings about the connection, there are different facets of Momentum to consider:

  • Response Time: How quickly or slowly you respond to a potential match communicates information about your level of interest. A quick response indicates you’re prioritizing them and glad to hear from them. A slower response indicates that you have some interest, but too slow and that kindling won’t ignite. Likewise, their response time gives you information about their level of interest.
  • Frequency: How often you communicate impacts Momentum. If there’s a lag of days between messages, then it’s difficult to establish Momentum. If you have daily contact, you have sufficient Momentum which you can increase or decrease as you discern your level of interest. If you’re communicating multiple times a day, the Momentum is building…
  • Form: The form your communication takes is also a reflection of Momentum and interest. If you’re still communicating on platform, you have less Momentum than once you move beyond the platform. Every time you move up a level of communication (platform, text, phone/video call, in person) you’re adding Momentum to the connection.
  • Flirtation: Flirtation feeds the fire. The more flirtation your interaction has, the more Momentum you’re giving the connection. In turn, the less flirtatious the interaction, the less Momentum.

Each of these facets plays a role in establishing the Momentum of your relationships. Keep in mind that’s it’s easier to hold back or maintain Momentum, than it is to pull back once Momentum is pushed forward. Be intentional about aligning your actions to your discernment and feelings. Likewise, pay attention to the signals that a potential match is sending relative to Momentum.

Shifts in Momentum

If you notice a sudden shift in Momentum in your relationship, pay attention–it means something’s happening.

If the Momentum increases quickly, and you’re on board with that, then enjoy the ride!

However, if you notice the Momentum’s shifting down, it’s likely a signal that something is going on with your connection/partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if there’s a shift in an established pattern of communication, there’s probably a reason, some Force that’s acting upon your established Momentum. It may or may not be an issue with you or the relationship itself. It could be work stress or a health/family/financial issue. Alternately, it could also be a sign of doubt or an affair. The point is to pay attention to it and address it.

It may be a situation where by being attentive you’re able to be a supportive partner and take care of your relationship, or it may be that your awareness prevents you from being blindsided and prepares you for an unpleasant truth. Either way, it’s better to be informed and have an awareness of your reality, even if it’s not the reality you want. Whatever your truth is, knowledge empowers you to take action matching your truth.

Final Thoughts

Be attentive to the Momentum in your connections and relationships. Have an awareness of Momentum so that you can act on that Momentum in a deliberate manner. Don’t allow your awareness to stray into paranoid territory, but rather use that awareness to read the situation, and take action as it makes sense to you.

May you find the right person to gear up with. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Valentine’s Day–A Day for Lovers

Dating Don’t: Be Defensive

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Not too long ago, “Professor” sent me a Like on Match. When I didn’t reciprocate, he sent me a message insinuating that my lack of interest was because of color (He’s black.). Basically, he tried to shame me, a problematic move in many ways. Let’s explore why.

It’s Not a Good Look

Getting defensive is generally indicative of unresolved personal insecurities and resentments. It’s an unevolved and immature way to interact with the world. Rather than simply accepting that I wasn’t interested, Professor lashed out at my lack of interest with a personal attack. He felt bad, so he wanted to make me feel bad. He couldn’t accept my disinterest, so he maligned me as an individual.

Behaving defensively is an attempt to manipulate and get power over others. He internalized my disinterest enough to interpret it as a power imbalance where I had the upper hand. He felt defensive, so he tried to switch it up and put me on the defense.

I can understand why he’d have some resentment based on his life experience as a black man. As a woman, I certainly have some resentment about the negative ways my female identity has impacted my life experience. But it doesn’t serve me to walk through my life on the defense because I’m a woman. That doesn’t maximize my experience. That wouldn’t be me being the best version of myself. So, I strive to be better. I strive to be both strong and grace-filled. I strive to rise above my resentment.

Professor is hardly the only man I’ve come across who’s behaved in a defensive manner, and it’s never a good look. It comes off as undignified, petulant, and childish. In a dating platform context, it’s unattractive and a turn-off.

I’ve seen such defensiveness not just in interactions, but in profile summaries as well. In these summaries, the men (As a heterosexual woman, these are the profiles I see.) churn up their resentments from previous experiences and relationships. This is the face they show to potential matches. Again, not a good look. A potential match reading such a profile is probably not going to be enticed by the negative energy. It’s a turn-off, not a turn-on.

Here’s an example my friend Evan sent me from a woman’s profile:

I constantly hear about how men expect the women to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting  !!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is …DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?

Her profile summary continues to go on in that vein. It’s not a productive way for her to draw the kind of matches to her that she wants, if it draws anyone’s interest at all. Perhaps you’ve seen such profile summaries yourself? What was your reaction?

A profile summary is your lead. It’s your opportunity to show your best self to attract potential matches. By leading with negativity, resentment, and defensiveness, such profiles alienate potential matches rather than entice. Be better, and look better.

It’s Not a Good Strategy

I’m not sure what Professor thought that his defensive move would accomplish beyond giving him a short-term feel-better by trying to make someone else (me) feel worse. Did he think I’d engage with him? Suddenly be interested? Be apologetic? Try to defend myself against his insinuation? None of those things happened. I simply didn’t respond, because I still wasn’t interested.

Oh, but I did write a blog post about it.

Whether in your dating profile, your interactions, or your relationship, being defensive isn’t a good strategy. It’s not going to attract people to you, and it’s not going to help resolve issues. Rather, it’s going to push people away. Don’t malign the people you want to interact with, even if they don’t choose to interact with you.

My sister told me the story of a man who was resentful when he didn’t get the promotion he wanted from my brother-in-law. Similar to Professor, his response was to accuse my brother-in-law of being racist (The man is Indian.). In truth, he didn’t get the promotion because…(drum roll)…he had difficulty in his social interactions with others. Being defensive can be problematic professionally as well. It’s simply a poor strategy all-around.

Putting people on the defense is a manipulative social move, and it’s not from a well-adjusted place. When I’ve had people in my life who interact in this manner, I tend to remove myself from them as much as possible. I don’t enjoy being around such people.

Ultimately, being defensive in any social context isn’t productive and isn’t going to help you arrive at your desired outcome. It’s neither an effective nor well-adjusted way of dealing with the world. If you manifest better, you’ll attract better. Further, by conducting yourself in a more dignified manner, you’re showing yourself respect. Self-respect is a good step toward overcoming any insecurities and dealing with any resentments.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

My reasons for not being into Professor really don’t matter. I simply wasn’t interested. I’m not interested in a lot of men, including a lot of white men. The man I am interested in is the exception, not the rule. I get to choose who I’m interested in and who I’m not.

My criteria for who I’m interested in and attracted to are none of Professor’s business, unless, of course, he cares to read my blog where I choose to share fairly openly.

The point is, he doesn’t know me. All he needed to know was whether I was interested or not. I wasn’t. He didn’t need to know any more than that. He felt rejected, and, to cope with rejection, he found it easier to assume the worst about me to make himself feel better.

Not Everyone is Going to Be into You

Dating can be a tough gig. Rejection is part of the terms we accept when we engage in putting ourselves out there romantically. We make ourselves emotionally vulnerable, but we do so willingly, and getting hurt is part of the risk when we engage in the activity.

You can’t go white river rafting without expecting to get a little wet, and you can’t date without expecting some rejection along the way. It’s not easy, but it’s part of the gig.

When someone isn’t into you, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you per se, it just means that they don’t see you as a good fit for some reason. Don’t perseverate on the why or waste overmuch time on the people who aren’t interested in you. Rather, put your best self out there and look for someone who IS into you.

You Deserve Someone Who is into You

If you’re doing your best to manifest your best self, you deserve someone who recognizes that, sees you for who you are, and appreciates you as you are. Try not to invest too much time and worry on the people who don’t fully appreciate you or see you as a good fit for them.

It’s Not a Good Relationship Move

Being defensive in the context of a relationship isn’t a good move either. Just as it pushes people away professionally and in a dating context, it emotionally pushes away your romantic partner.

I’ve been in relationships where instead of engaging with our relationship issues in a productive, healthy, and respectful manner, my romantic partner would get defensive and attack me personally. That doesn’t help the relationship. Rather, it fosters resentment and pushes your partner away. In my case, it pushed me so far away that I ultimately ended those relationships.

Do: Be Your Best You

Don’t let your resentments guide your interactions. Those resentments may have a legitimate foundation, but they aren’t going to serve you well socially, professionally, or romantically. Have a self-awareness of any resentment, and manage that resentment in a productive way. Don’t lead with resentment and defensiveness.

Think of any resentment you carry as a bag you can check on an airline. It’s yours to deal with and unpack as you’re able, but try to check it as you interact with others. Pick up the bag and unpack it at a later date, rather than throwing its contents at other people. Maybe someday you’ll be ready to leave the bag behind altogether.

Check any negative tendencies that get in the way of manifesting your best self. By putting your best self out there, you attract better in kind.

Final Thoughts

Dating can be tough, and rejection is part of the gig. Disappointment, hurt, and resentment are all normal parts of the experience, but try to avoid leaning into those negative feelings. Don’t let the negative get the best of you, instead, be better, and try to rise above the negative.

Keep your eye on the why–the person who appreciates you for who you are. They’re why we’re putting ourselves through all of this. Do your best to rise above the negative, and manifest your best self so that you’re ready for your One.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Holiday Hacks–Navigating the Holidays as a Single

The Preciousness of Connection

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As individuals, we each have certain predispositions of personality, inclinations, and curiosities. As we come into ourselves over time, we tend to settle further into who we are, shaped, of course, by our experiences and how we grow from them or fail to. Who we are affects who we connect with and what we bring to relationship dynamic.

My last post probed the preciousness of One, the singular, the individual. When seeking romantic relationship, we commonly refer to a search for “The One.” But not anyOne can be “The One.” That’s why when you find a right person, that Connection is precious as well.

Connection is the Exception, not the Rule

There are many things to consider in seeking a romantic partner–compatibility; how they make you feel; does the relationship/situation make sense in your life; are you physically attracted to them–but Connection is more than that. Connection is an amplification of compatibility, feeling, and attraction. It’s a mutual recognition where you see and feel seen by each other, an intuitive “getting” each other, and a compulsion to know each other better. It’s the spark of life in relationship.

You aren’t going to find that kind of Connection with a random person or dating profile. The rarity of such Connection is part of its preciousness, like a gem. And while you’re not going to have Connection with every person you encounter on your romantic quest, optimally, dating is a discernment process through which you discover Connection or, at least, the kind of people you Connect with, making it easier to pinpoint good possibilities as you go forward.

A widower recently told me that, once he started dating again, the only thing important to him was that the woman was pretty. Now, several years later, he realizes that isn’t enough. While I question that he was ever shallow enough that looks were the only thing that mattered (How about some general compatibility or common interests?), as he’s continued on his journey, he’s discerned more of what he wants in a partner.

When I see a dating profile where the man says he’s not sure what he’s looking for, I know he’s early on his journey, and he’s not for me. I know well the kind of men who I Connect with and what I’m looking for in a man at this juncture, and one of those qualities is a man who knows what he wants as well.

It hasn’t always been that way, but that’s been part of the journey. When I started dating after my divorce, I went out with several men who were wrongs before I finally found a right man, and when I did, I fell for him hard. Funny thing is, I’d been with that kind of man before…

Recognizing Connection

Isaac was an echo across time of my college sweetheart. Ted was an art history major, now a conservator at the Met; Isaac, the director of a prestigious art museum. They’re both classic tall, dark, and handsome. They’re both intellectual and witty. It turns out that Isaac was the middle-aged version of the kind of man I was attracted to as a young woman.

So, Laura has a type. The art-type piece isn’t an essential part of the equation, though it’s certainly serendipitous and indicative of particular inclinations. When Isaac came into my life, I knew right away that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with. And after Isaac dumped me, I wondered, where I am I going to find another man like this?

The answer, I realized, was likely not in Lincoln or even Nebraska. If I hoped to find another such man, it would require me broadening my search geographically, so I did. As a result, I’ve made more special Connections, but even so, those Connections are far between–several months or years apart with thousands of profiles in between. Part of the preciousness of those Connections is the preciousness of each individual man and part is the rarity of finding such a Connection at all. It’s the unicorn in a herd of horses. Or the Whooping Crane amid a flock of Sandhill Cranes.

In grad school, I lived near the Sandhill Crane migration route and watched their migration annually. At that time, amid their flock was an orphaned Whooping Crane who they’d adopted as one of their own. For those of you who aren’t birders, a grown Whooping Crane is a full foot taller than a Sandhill Crane, and if you drove around the countryside watching the cranes feed in the fields, it was easy to spot the Whooping Crane, should you be lucky enough to come across it. It stood out from the rest. So does true Connection once you learn to recognize it.

With time, I’ve become skilled at recognizing such Connection quickly, or alternately, the lack of it, the latter of which spares me wasted time and energy on matches which are ultimately ill-suited. For me, Connection largely has to do with physical attraction, intellectual stimulation, how I’m treated, and a sense that I’m seen and heard. If I feel seen and heard by a man, he’s both treating me respectfully, but also “getting me.” If we can look each other in the eye, a very specific kind of looking at each other, whilst having stimulating, fun, and sexy conversation, that’s Connection. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, “Zsa zsa zsu.”

If you’re at a place in your romantic journey where you have a strong sense of what and who you seek, congratulations! Having a strong sense of the kind of match you seek and Connect with allows you to date with more purpose in your search for a romantic partner.

If you’re still not sure who or what you’re looking for, that’s worth discerning, and you have some information to go on, even if you’re returning to the dating scene after a long hiatus. Reflect on your dating and relationship history–where have you felt strong Connection before? What qualities about that/those persons and your relationship dynamic made you feel that way? Try and be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what draws you to people and makes you feel Connected, the more purposeful you can be in your romantic search.

Connection is Mutual

Connection is mutual, otherwise, it’s disconnection or lack of connection. You can’t be Connected to someone who isn’t Connected to you. That’s part of the power of Connection–it’s fueled by the mutualism of feeling. And again, that’s a rare, and therefore precious, thing.

Though Isaac and I have never been in a committed relationship, after a decade in my life, he said to me, “We are Connected.” Yes, we are; it’s mutual. We both feel it.

Evan said to me, “We are kindred spirits.” We are indeed. I feel it too.

Damon and I had a second date. You don’t do that long distance if you aren’t interested. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), for over a year after our last date he looked at my profile with regularity, despite scant communication. If he didn’t feel some Connection, he wouldn’t have bothered to look at all.

Grieving Connection

Connection, though powerful, doesn’t guarantee relationship success, because Connection doesn’t necessitate that both parties are willing to commit to doing the work of relationship, and relationship requires an effort by both. If relationship were only about Connection, I wouldn’t still be single. I’ve Connected.

David often talked about the power of our Connection. More than once he told me that when he dreams about people he knows, they never look like themselves, yet whenever he dreamt of me, I always did. He put that down to the strength of our Connection. We both recognized our Connection quickly and were swept up in it. At some point though, the power of our Connection was too much for him. He panicked and retreated, emotionally devastating me.

The higher you are, the further you have to fall. When Connection doesn’t work out, it’s painful. The more emotionally Connected you are, the more emotions you have to navigate when the Connection misfires. That’s not just disappointment, that’s grief. And grief can arise regardless of how briefly you dated or whether you were even in a committed relationship at all, because grief is emotion and Connection is an emotional manifestation of a relationship. Connection is something you feel.

That feeling, that sense of the Other being so very special, that hurt when a Connection doesn’t work out and the person removes themself from you, goes to the preciousness of Connection. If the Connection wasn’t precious we wouldn’t mourn it.

Connection is Precious

I’ve had committed relationship without Connection, and I’ve had Connection without committed relationship. While I prefer the latter than the former, ideally Connection and committed relationship are aligned. However, that takes both parties recognizing the preciousness of their Connection and acting on that.

I’ve had Connection with men who recognized our Connection, yet failed to follow-through with action. Disappointing on my end, and I can’t help but think Foolish on their end, but that’s their choice to make, and they have their reasons. Yet it feels like a beautiful waste.

If you have Connection with someone, recognize and appreciate how lucky you are. You have more than relationship, you’ve hit the mother lode, a rare and precious gift. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t squander it. Don’t play games with it. Follow it. Cherish it. Accommodate it. Prioritize it. Be grateful.

Of course, your other option is turning away from Connection or settling for less than. But if your goal is a romantic relationship, why would you want to do that?

And If you’re still seeking that elusive and lasting Connection, you’re not alone. Persist. We may have Connections behind us, but surely there’s another ahead of us waiting to be found. Carry on with your search, being mindful to recognize Connection when you’re blessed with it.

Good luck in your search!

Up Next: Dating Don’t–Be Defensive