Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

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Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

• Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles
• Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?
• Oh so Cliché…
• A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge