Discernment

Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)

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As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.

Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.

Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.

What Making Assumptions Looks Like

I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.

J

A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.

When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.

R

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.

At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”

My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.

The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.

The Youtube Comment

One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:

What motivated this video?
Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.

The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.

As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.

Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)

You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.

So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.

Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.

There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.

The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.

Seeing People for Who They Are

People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.

If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.

Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search

In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.

If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.

Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.

Observe and Listen

Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.

Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.

Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.

Ask, Don’t Tell

My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.

If you want to know, Ask.

I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.

Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior

Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.

Discern Over Time

The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.

When Someone Assumes Something About You

The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?

Call Them Out…

If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.

…or Leave Them in the Dark

If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.

Final Thoughts

By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.

As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Q & A: Sexual Desire

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A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:

I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.

To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.

Heterofatalism

It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.

We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.

Change in Sexual Desire

Libido is something that can change over time for both men and women. Age, shifting body image, and the longevity of the relationship can all be factors in a shift in sexual desire.

Age

There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.

Body Changes

For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.

Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.

Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.

Libido Changes

Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”

While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.

And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.

Self-Concept Changes

My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.

I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.

We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response. Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?

Long Term Relationship Shifts

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)

Your Sexual Desire

There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.

In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities. Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?

Your Romantic Partner

When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?

If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.

Final Thoughts

If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!

However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.

Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

If you have any comments or questions of your own please leave a note in the comments below or on my contact page.

Good luck out there!

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

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Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

Manage Your Expectations: In the Beginning…

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That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

Up Next: Any Day Can Be the Day

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

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Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, Zoom Out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned

Relationship Values: Fun

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Recently, a romantic connection that seemed to have potential didn’t work out. He was a great guy with a lot of qualities that I find attractive, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t right. Something about our Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me.

When discerning the viability of a romantic connection, I pay close attention to learning both the man, as well as our Relationship Dynamic–the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. And, when a romantic connection or relationship doesn’t work out, I perform a Relationship Autopsy (more on this in my next post), analyzing what aspects of the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work, so I can use that knowledge to better inform my discernment of future connections and refine my search appropriately.

Over time, the autopsying of relationships and their dynamics has led me to recognize some Relationship Values that I hold, qualities that I need for the Relationship Dynamic to be successful. In autopsying the failure of this recent connection, I realized a new Relationship Value—Fun. And, while this wasn’t the only reason the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me, it was a significant one.

Fun

Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, defines ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states–Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). I love this definition. Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive; Fun is attentive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve often adventured solo in my life, for lack of a companion, because I’d rather adventure alone, than not at all. But, I’d hardly label a solo adventure Fun. It’s in sharing that adventure with a playful and connected companion that makes it Fun.

And yet, Fun doesn’t require adventure, though it does call for connection and a companion. Fun is a shared lightening of spirit, engagement, and activity.

Fun can be as grand as a gondola ride on the Grand Canal or a day drinking mint juleps and betting on horses at Churchill Downs. But, Fun can also be as simple as playing hide and seek in the aisles of a Chicago grocery store or drinking cocktails outside as day turns to dusk. The right person can make the quotidian compelling. Fun is not just about doing fun things, but it’s dependent on having the right companion for whatever the activity may be.

The Role of Laughter

Laughter, for me, is an essential component of the chemistry of attraction. When a man can make me laugh, it’s a huge turn-on. Conversely, a relationship dynamic lacking in laughter falls flat, like champagne without its effervescence.

My dating profile summary alludes to this:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

Lorraine Bracco Finds humor essential as well. In the April/May 2025 issue of AARP (Yes, I’m over 50), she says, “I’m single and I’m sure someone will arrive. I believe in love. What do I look for in a man? A sense of humor is extremely important. And I like a guy who’s sure of himself. I’m sure of myself, so I want him to be rock steady.” Amen. Hopefully, we’re not looking for the same guy. I don’t need Lorraine Bracco as competition…

The connections that have held the most power for me over the years have been the ones where laughter was a natural part of the connection. I remember with fondness, and sometimes wistfulness, the men who’ve made me laugh. The nature of their humor differed–playful; subtle; clever; sarcastic–but with each, their sense of humor was innate, not contrived. And the shared laughter and banter made our time together Fun.

The Lack of Laughter

The failure of my recent connection is hardly the only one which has fallen flat for lack of laughter. A couple of years ago, I liked Pierre, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. It occurred to me one day, that he’d never made me laugh. Our conversations, though pleasant, lacked the element of Fun.

Much like my recent experience, Pierre was a great guy, but the lack of shared laughter left me feeling disconnected. I was missing the spark necessary to light my fire.

You

What creates the spark of a chemical reaction for you? What qualities in a connection turn you on?

If you can’t readily answer those questions, reflect back to past connections where you felt the kind of chemistry you seek. Consider what qualities from those individuals turned you on and/or energized the chemistry of your Relationship Dynamic. Do you see any patterns of connection and chemistry in those qualities?

If you can pinpoint a pattern of chemistry in your connections, that may be a Relationship Value for you. And knowing that can empower you in your search for connection going forward.

Final Thoughts

What is essential for you in a romantic connection? Do you know your Relationship Values, those must-haves? If not, it’s worth the time to identify them so you can more easily recognize right connection, and quickly weed out the wrong ones. Have fun, and good luck out there!

Up Next: Doing a Relationship Autopsy

Discerning Who You’re Looking For

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A lot of us mid-life singles have a clear idea of what we seek in a romantic partner and relationship. To that end, in my last post, I explored the efficacy of using a checklist of desirables for a romantic partner as a general guide to navigate with, rather than a rigid rulebook of must-haves that limits you out of relationship.

But what if you’re newly single and still getting oriented to your new milieu? What if you don’t know what you want in a romantic partner? What if what you’ve been doing and who you’ve been dating hasn’t worked out so well for you? What if nothing much is happening in your love life? Are you willing to open yourself to new possibilities? If you’re not sure who you’re seeking or you’re willing to reconsider who you might be open to, then this post is for you!

Let’s consider how you can better orient yourself to navigate in the direction you want to go, even if you don’t know which way that is yet…

Patterns of Attraction

If you don’t have a sense of who you’re looking for at all, it might be helpful to reflect on whether you have any patterns of attraction to certain qualities or types of people. Consider past relationships, dates, interactions, and dating profiles. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your dating and relationship history? Are there any qualities that you find enticing or are drawn to?

These qualities may be:

  • Physical Traits: height; ethnic heritage; skin color; eye color; hair color/style; body type…
  • Personality Traits: confidence; sense of humor; carriage; intellect; generosity; thoughtfulness; punctuality; introvert/extrovert…
  • Type of Career/Profession: artistic/creative; scientist; pilot; medical; military; education; technical; entertainment; financial…
  • Perspective: politics; religion…
  • Lifestyle: urban; outdoorsy; maritime; rural; social; travel…
  • Talents: musical; artistic; writing; woodworking; cooking, athletic/sports…
  • Recreational Pursuits: surfing; sailing; equestrian; hiking; running; skiing…

After a few years of post-divorce dating, I realized that I was dating a lot of men with a Mediterranean heritage–specifically Jewish, Greek, and Italian. I’ve also dated a lot of creative/artistic men. I don’t limit myself to such men, but I learned to recognize that those are attractive qualities to me, giving me a self-awareness which has empowered me in my romantic search.

Similarly, my friend Leah, who remarried a couple of years ago, remarked to me that all of her significant romantic relationships, including both husbands, were men of Irish descent. A little uncanny for someone outside of Boston, and definitely a pattern of attraction.

My hairstylist’s two most significant romantic relationships were both with engineers. Coincidences such as this are generally more than simple serendipity. For some reason, she’s been drawn to engineers in her past. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your relationships and dating history?

If you can’t pinpoint any particular patterns yet, pay attention to this going forward, as you look at dating profiles and go on dates. If you find a particular profile or person attractive or intriguing, what is it about them that draws you in? Their piercing eyes? Their sense of humor? Their active lifestyle? Be attuned to any patterns.

Once you identify some qualities that resonate with you, you can use that as a general guide to help you navigate the dating landscape. Recognizing such qualities doesn’t need to limit you to those qualities. Rather, use that awareness to empower you in your search for a suitable and attractive romantic partner.

The Rearview Mirror

Besides having an awareness of what qualities you find attractive in a romantic partner, it can be helpful to look back on your past relationships and dating history to analyze where you’ve been–what has worked for you in the past, as well as what hasn’t worked. You can use this knowledge to help you recognize good potential partners and steer clear of bad situations.

What Worked

When I started dating again post-divorce, I was surprised after a year of multiple misfires to find that I was attracted to the same kind of man mid-life that I was in college. My college sweetheart was a tall dark handsome art history major with a playful sense of humor. Isaac, the first man who really made me swoon in mid-life, was a Jewish (check: tall dark handsome) art museum director (check: art type) and is one of the funniest men I’ve ever known (check: sense of humor).

Recognizing these parallels was a powerful light bulb moment for me. Going forward, I was able to avoid wasting time on men who couldn’t sustain my interest and focus my energy on the kind of men who could. Ever since, I’ve been able to up my dating game, dating men who I’ve found more intriguing and who’ve better suited me.

To find a suitable partner as you go forward, begin by looking in the rearview mirror. What qualities in a partner have worked for you in the past?

What Didn’t

Conversely, consider what hasn’t worked out for you in the past. Do a Relationship Autopsy on your big relationships. Why haven’t they worked out? Be honest about owning your role and make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partners that was problematic. Going forward, you can attend to your own shortcomings and be on the lookout for problematic behaviors in potential partners.

If you see any unhealthy patterns that you’ve manifested in the fallout of your relationships, then be attentive to that and do the work you need to do to ensure more success in the future. I’ve certainly done a lot of work toward being the best version of myself that I can muster at any given time, as well as to be the best romantic partner that I can be. In a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners are working toward that end. If the bulk of the emotional work of relationship falls to one person in the relationship, that’s a setup for failure.

If your romantic partner didn’t or doesn’t do their best to be their best self and partner, then there’s nothing more you can do. That’s their shortcoming, and it limits the potential for the relationship. You either live with it, or you move on and learn from it.

My Story

In my marriage, there was a lot of drama. When my ex and I disagreed, he was condescending and dismissive of my point-of-view. We didn’t need to be in disagreement for him to be dismissive of my feelings. I knew that I deserved to be treated better, but while years of emotional and verbal abuse made me resilient, it also made me emotionally vulnerable.

With Stanley, once again, my feelings were frequently dismissed. He prioritized his ex’s needs over mine. He promised much, but his actions failed to follow through. So much of our relationship never made sense to me, yet by staying in the relationship, I was at some level accepting the situation, because I was accepting a partner who treated me that way.

Eventually, I got fed up with being in relationships where my feelings were marginalized and I was mistreated. I knew that I deserved better, but it was up to me to reject worse and claim better. I couldn’t do that within the contexts of those relationships, because the partners I was with had limitations.

What I learned from these relationships forms the basis of my Relationship Values–how I want to feel in relationship and what I want in a romantic partner. These days, I pay close attention to how a man makes me feel; whether I feel seen and heard by him; whether his words match his actions; and whether or not a situation makes sense to me. If I want to have a successful relationship, I need to choose a partner who’s capable of being the kind of partner I seek.

Kate’s Story

My friend Kate, reflecting on her dating history, realized that she’s dated a lot of “Assholes”. Essentially, that translates as men who haven’t treated her well or made her feel valued, often amounting to them blowing her off. She may have liked them, but she didn’t like the way they made her feel. Having an awareness of this, she’s developed an Asshole-radar which she pays close attention to.

Your Story

Looking back on your relationship and dating history what are the big red flags that you see in the rearview mirror? What were the problem areas of your past relationships? What faults and characteristics of your past partners caused you so much grief that you want to steer clear of them in the future? What are your relationship values?

Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Final Thoughts

Having an awareness of your patterns of attraction, as well as characteristics in partners that have and haven’t worked for you in the past, allows you to be more intentional in your search for a suitable romantic partner. Work to be your best you and know what does and doesn’t work for you, so you’re ready for that right romantic partner and recognize them when you see them!

May you find the partner who’s worthy of you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

Use that Checklist as a Guide, not a Rulebook

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Except for those among us who are freshly single after years off-market (and still orienting themselves to their new context), most of us singles have a sense of what we’re looking for and attracted to in a romantic partner. The longer we’re single and oriented to this gig, and the older we are and have a strongly developed sense of ourselves, the more we tend to settle into a sense of the kind of romantic partner we want and who suits us.

This sense of what we seek in a romantic partner often takes the form of a mental checklist of qualities, characteristics, desirables, and/or must-haves. While such a checklist can be a helpful guide, keeping us from expending too much time on poor matches, if a checklist is too rigid, it may prevent us from meeting our ultimate goal of relationship and right romantic partnership.

The Role of a Checklist

The purpose of a checklist should be to help you find a suitable romantic partner, not rule good potential partners out. To that end, be careful how you use your checklist so that you don’t prematurely dismiss a great connection.

The abundance of profiles that come with online dating can amplify the propensity to be dismissive of potentially good matches. It’s okay to be picky, but if you truly seek relationship, at some point you need to pick someone rather than succumb to the paradox of choice. And with luck, they’ll pick you too.

So, how to use a checklist productively? Let’s explore…

Re-Purposing that Checklist as a Guide

Think of your checklist as a GPS, steering and navigating you to where you want to go, in this case, to a romantic partner. The purpose of GPS is to help you arrive at your destination. When you plug in your destination, sometimes GPS gives you alternate routes to choose from. But those aren’t the only routes to your destination, GPS is simply trying to find your best options. Sometimes, I go off-route and GPS has to catch up to me and reconfigure my route. And sometimes I do that romantically as well.

Furthermore, there are plenty of destinations worth visiting, not just one. So, why be rigid about one route to one destination? Let’s expand our navigation options, so we can find a suitable destination rather than limiting ourselves from the get-go.

Breaking Down the Checklist

The checklist is to help you discern good candidates for relationship, but if you give equal weight to all items on the checklist, it works more as a rulebook, a binary yes/no in/out scenario, potentially dismissing good possible mates because they don’t fully measure up to a perceived ideal. But Ideal isn’t real, and holding out for it is a pointless endeavor. Reality is where we live. To keep it real, look for the real person whose preciousness you can appreciate, despite their imperfections.

To re-envision your checklist as a guidance system, you need to breakdown the items in your checklist. Consider each item a guidepost to help you get where you are going, and keep in mind that some signage is more important than other signage.

Must-Haves vs. Preferences

Consider the qualities you find attractive in a partner–physical looks, personality traits, values, education level, politics, faith, career, sexuality, location, etc. What are you drawn to in a partner? What do you want? What do you need? What turns you on?

Must-Haves

Now, breakdown those qualities into must-haves and preferences. Must-haves are the qualities that without them are dealbreakers. These are qualities that are so important that you can’t envision relationship without them. The nature of these qualities has different weight for different people. You get to decide what your must-haves are.

While it’s important to define what you must have in a relationship/romantic partner, try to keep your list of must-haves small. The longer and more rigid this list becomes, the more narrow your pool of possibilities and potential matches becomes in turn.

Preferences

Preferences are those qualities that are inclinations, turn-ons, and desirables. Knowing your preferences can help you identify good potential matches, and by not qualifying them as must-haves, you allow wiggle room for flexibility, the wonderment of the individual, the person who surprises you, and the exciting expansiveness of possibility.

For Example

In my years as a single, I’ve discovered that I have a strong inclination toward men of Mediterranean descent. I’ve dated a ridiculous amount of men who claim a Jewish, Italian, or Greek heritage. That’s a preference but not a must-have.

However, physical attraction is a must-have for me. If I don’t feel physically attracted to a man, then I don’t see the point of exploring the connection. It just so happens that I find a lot of men of Mediterranean descent particularly physically attractive, but Mediterranean heritage doesn’t account for all of the men who I find physically attractive.

A friend of mine has a very particular sexual proclivity. For him, this is a must-have in relationship. It’s a very specific and strong inclination that’s important to him. This proclivity narrows down his pool of potential mates dramatically, but it’s important enough to him that he opts for that.

Different qualities have different importance for different people. For some, religious faith is an important must-have in a partner. But if that must-have takes the form of a specific denomination, that narrows someone’s options significantly, rather than allowing some wiggle room in what form that faith can take. As you think about your must-haves, consider where you can allow for that wiggle room.

You

You get to decide what your must-haves and your preferences are. Knowing both can help you discern good potential romantic connections, and limiting your must-have list will help keep your possibilities open. The more you limit your must-haves, the more you open yourself to possibilities. Conversely, the longer and more specific your list of must-haves, the narrower your pool of possibilities becomes.

Turn-Offs vs. Dealbreakers

Much as must-haves and preferences can help you discern a good potential romantic partner, turn-offs and dealbreakers can help you avoid wasting overmuch time on individuals who aren’t a good fit. To return to the GPS analogy, turn-offs and dealbreakers help you navigate away from dead-end roads and avoid plugging in a destination that’s not where you really want to go.

Turn-Offs

A turn-off is anything that is an undesirable or less than ideal quality, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. Pay attention to turn-offs, they rightly give you cause to pause, but if the person has enough attractive qualities, consider whether the connection is worth further discernment. After all, we’re all imperfect. In the larger context of the individual, is the turn-off potentially negotiable for you?

Dealbreakers

A dealbreaker is a quality that you feel so strongly about that you can’t even entertain the idea of relationship with someone because of it; it’s an absolute with no room for negotiation. As with must-haves, the longer the list of dealbreakers, the more your pool of possibilities narrows.

For Example

Damon was a smoker. A turn-off for me, but I liked Damon more than I disliked his smoking. Ideally, I’m not looking to get involved with a smoker, but I made an allowance for him because I really liked him.

Paolo has multiple marriages and divorces in his past. I’m a divorcee myself, but multiple marriages/divorces always gives me pause. That said, he has many qualities that outshine this aspect of his history. And we all have histories. His history is part of him, but it doesn’t define him. With Paolo, I choose to look beyond the history and see the man he is now.

I was enjoying getting to know Jay, but when he disclosed that he’d be celebrating the Christmas holiday with his ex, that was a dealbreaker for me. At this point in my life, I won’t get involved with a man who can’t leave his past in the rearview mirror. Been there; done that; can’t do it again. That situation was an emotionally turbulent experience that I don’t care to revisit.

You

When defining your dealbreakers vs. turn-offs, consider which are absolute non-negotiables and where you can allow wiggle room for the right person. What are your limits and where can you be flexible? We’re all imperfect; what imperfections can you allow for? As with must-haves, the longer the list of dealbreakers, the more your pool of possibilities narrows.

A Spectrum vs. a Binary Perspective

As you sort through your must-haves vs. preferences and turn-offs vs. dealbreakers, envision it as a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is the must-haves and at the other end, the dealbreakers. If one is white and the other black, everything in between is a gradation, mostly gray.

This is where we live, the messy gray. Life isn’t a clear-cut simplistic binary endeavor. Life’s complicated, and so are people. Where on that spectrum are you going to draw your limits? How broad are you going to keep your spectrum of possibilities?

Seeing the Person Behind the Profile

Behind each profile is a real person. Okay, except for the bots and fake profiles which are an unfortunate annoyance with online dating…but for the most part, the profiles represent real people, individuals with stories, histories, successes, and failures.

Profiles are a watered down version of the real person. Some people have nothing to say in their profiles–they literally (I’m an English major–I’m using that word correctly.) don’t write anything in their profile. Such profiles don’t promise much for the person behind them. But, when you find someone whose profile resonates with you, explore that.

Embrace exploring the nuances and substance behind the photos and bio blurb. Try to keep any flaws, imperfections, and turn-offs in perspective as you discern the person and your connection (as long as they hit your must-haves and you don’t encounter any dealbreakers). Allow for the preciousness of connection, when you feel it.

That checklist we each have serves us best as a guide, not as a rigid prescribed route. Have fun exploring off-road, and be mindful of recognizing the person who you want to lock in as your destination despite what may or may not be on your checklist.

Here’s a paragraph from my Match profile that goes to this:

I am looking for someone that I have a genuine connection with, who is sincerely looking for a someone special in their life. Someone who, if we are lucky enough to find each other, is willing to look up from his checklist (if we are connected the things on the checklist stop mattering) and see me looking back at him, and who is willing to follow it and take a risk, despite our mutual imperfections.

Final Thoughts

You get to decide what you need and what your limits are in a romantic partner and relationship. As you determine those needs and limits, consider where you’re able to be flexible and allow room for the nuances of the individual. The broader your spectrum of possibility, the more likely you are to find someone.

Good luck navigating to your destination!

Up Next: Discerning Who You’re Looking For

Q & A: How do I Respond When I’m Not Interested?

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 1 Comment

A reader recently posed the following question to me:

How to approach the problem of responding (or not) to someone who sends you an ardent and self-revealing message, but whom you simply have no interest in dating. Just not responding is obviously an option. But when they really put themselves out there, I feel shitty about meeting it with radio silence.  I’ve got my pat “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” message. But what I’m really flummoxed by is the following case: What to do when all indications are that someone is completely simpatico with you, on all kinds of levels that truly matter — except that you don’t find them at all physically attractive. My usual line in that case seems hollow and odd; yet I just can’t speak the whole truth. Help! 

His concerns are heartfelt, and he poses many good questions. Let’s break this scenario down.

You’re Not Interested…

When you’re in a dating context and like someone, but not in the romantic sense, it’s an uncomfortable spot. Our reader obviously has an admirable compassion. Dating’s a tricky gig, and hurt feelings, or in this case, hurting feelings is one of the tricky bits. Making ourselves emotionally vulnerable is an unavoidable part of the gig. Sometimes we get hurt. And sometimes, we wound others, even if it hurts us a little too.

….Because You’re Not Physically Attracted

There are a lot of different elements in discerning whether someone is a good romantic match or not, but I usually use physical attraction as my starting point.

People get on dating platforms with a myriad of intentions. Personally, I’m not on dating platforms to make friends (some people actively are), but to find a romantic partner. To that end, the first area of discernment for me is always the profile pictures. If I’m not physically attracted or can’t visualize potentially being physically intimate with the man, then I don’t bother going any further. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s essential that I’m physically attracted to any man I’m with.

There are a lot of interesting men that I’m not physically attracted to, and there are also men who I find physically attractive but lack compelling personalities. Personally, I want both. I think most of us do. The question becomes–How much time and energy are you willing to put into a connection (made in the context of a dating platform) that doesn’t hold romantic potential for you? Are you open to making friends along the way, or are you on the dating platform with a single-minded romantic focus?

If you’re single-minded in your purpose on platform, then you may want to use physical attraction as a starting point in your discernment, before moving on to personality. For me, this looks like not interacting with a man who I’m not physically attracted to, so as not to lead him on or encourage him.

If, however, you’re open to making friends along the way, then you’ll need to maneuver carefully in how you handle that on a dating platform.

…But They’re Simpatico

Sometimes you’re allured by someone’s personality, but the connection doesn’t make sense on a romantic level. Again, it’s a tricky space, especially if you meet on a dating platform, where the given context is romantic. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.

So, Do You Choose to Interact?

This is where you need to decide if you’re open to making/seeking friends on a dating platform in a continued contact way; whether you’re willing to interact to be polite; or whether you’re going to limit your interactions to people with whom you see romantic potential.

As I mentioned, when I look at profiles, I always start with the photos. If I’m not physically attracted, I don’t go further. When men reach out to me who I’m not attracted to, I don’t respond so as not to lead them on. The further one walks down that road, the messier it gets. I choose to abbreviate rather than stretch out any disappointment.

I’ve also had the situation where a man wasn’t interested in dating long-distance, but was nevertheless taken with my profile and wanted to get to know me. He was comfortable with putting limits on our relationship, but I’ve found those limits difficult. While I continue to engage with him, I’ve had to create my own boundaries to protect myself emotionally. Limits beget limits.

Visualize relationship as the shared space of a Venn Diagram. When you meet someone in a romantic context, but you’re not romantically interested, you’re shrinking the shared space. In turn, they’ll likely shrink that space further. How much time and energy are you willing to devote to that shrinking space?

If you decide that you’re intrigued enough by personality to choose to engage, then be sure to define your limits upfront, so as not to lead them on. This will take some tact, and they may not be interested in walking down a platonic path.

One way to frame this is some variation of, “I don’t feel that this is the relationship I’m looking for, yet I find you really simpatico. Would you be interested in continuing our conversation? If not, I totally understand.” Phrasing it this way defines your limits upfront, and while probably disappointing on her end, you’re also giving her the power of choice to say no.

They Put Themselves Out There

As for the ardent and self-revealing message where she put herself out there–Good for her! Again, making ourselves vulnerable is part of the gig we accept with dating. That she’s being vulnerable and authentic is a strength, not a weakness.

That doesn’t mean your romantic disinterest won’t wound her, but rather by being so forthcoming, she’s demonstrating a courage many people lack. Dating would probably be a much more simpatico experience in general if more people conducted themselves with her level of authenticity.

How to Respond

If you do choose to respond in some form, rather than radio silence, then it’s thoughtful to both honor her good qualities and likability, while also being clear that she isn’t a right fit for you. Your statement, “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” accomplishes this, but let’s look at how we could improve upon the flatness you’re feeling.

As a teacher, I’m trained to give specific feedback to students regardless of whether I’m praising or critiquing. Instead of “Good job!” I would say something along the lines of, “You read that so fluently!” or “You did a great job sounding that word out carefully!”

To that end, in addressing her good qualities, something more specific might give your response more dimensionality, such as, “I’m so impressed with your authenticity” or some other quality that you find attractive. Alternately, use language that sounds less canned than, “You seem great” and more like yourself, such as, “You seem simpatico in many ways.”

As for letting her down, while “I don’t think we’re a match” is clear without being unkind, I usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling the chemistry that I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.” The power in this terminology, for me, is that it goes to you are two unique individuals seeking chemistry. If the chemistry isn’t working, it’s not because anything’s wrong with either individual, but rather the relationship dynamic itself.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a tough and vulnerable gig with a lot of hard feelings. For most of us, it’s a means to an end–finding a stable loving relationship. Meanwhile, we subject ourselves to an emotional roller coaster in seeking that stability. Our reader is going about it with compassion. May we all do so to make a hard thing easier on others.

If you have any questions, please send them my way. See my contact page or scroll down and write a question in the comments below.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

The Role of Momentum

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Science was hardly my strong suit in school, but even I’m familiar with Newton’s law of motion:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This can just as easily apply to romantic scenarios as to the physical universe. If there’s no impetus to motion, the connection will falter and flag. Romance needs a kick-start, and that impetus is correlated to the level of interest.

Momentum has Different Speeds

Not all connections move forward at the same pace. All relationships are different, because each relationship is composed of two individuals creating a unique space that no one else shares. As a result, the pace of how those relationships are created can look different from one relationship to another.

I’ve had a relationship where we recognized our connection immediately and another where it took months to discern our level of interest. Think of it like the gears on a bike, you’re still moving forward but at different speeds. You and your potential mate get to mutually determine the pace that’s right for you.

That said, without enough Momentum, the bike will fall over, or to use another analogy, the connection will fizzle out, like firewood that never got a strong enough spark to start a fire.

Momentum and Discernment

Discernment is what I call the period when you’re discerning your level of interest in a potential match. During the Discernment phase, you want to engage enough to keep forward Momentum, while refraining from pushing forward a connection that doesn’t hold potential. So, how to balance Momentum with the need to discern?

Be intentional about actively using this discernment period as an information gathering stage. As you’re learning more about your potential match as an individual, pay attention to your level of compatibility, how they treat you, how you feel in their company, and any chemistry you have. This information can help you make informed decisions about how much Momentum to add, whether to back away, or whether to maintain your current pace.

Some considerations:

  • How physically attracted are you? A little? And then some? Extremely? Can you imagine being physically intimate with them? Is the physical intimacy satisfying?
  • How much are you enjoying the conversation? Is it so-so? Dull? Engaging?
  • Do they stimulate you? Pique your interest? Make you laugh?
  • Do you look forward to hearing from them? Are you eager to? Not so much?
  • How do they treat you? Are they kind? Respectful? Condescending? Do you feel seen and heard?
  • How do your interactions make you feel? Safe? Charmed? Energized? Anxious? Scrutinized?
  • How are you feeling about the connection at this point? Indifferent? Unsure? Intrigued? Hopeful? Excited?

Unless you know you’re ready to write the connection off, maintain any Momentum you already have while you explore the connection’s viability. To do this, maintain regular contact, whether messaging on platform, texting, phone calls, or in person rendezous.

Without regular contact, Momentum diminishes. There’s not going to be a relationship spark when one or both parties aren’t interested enough to maintain regular contact. Do you want to settle for someone who’s either not interested enough in you or that you’re not interested enough in to make the effort for regular contact?

For me, regular contact is often the form of a daily check-in, whether responding to a message on platform, a text to check in and wish them a good day, or a good night phone call. More than that, usually means that we’re actively building Momentum and feeling connection. Less than that is a good indicator that I’m either not feeling the connection, or it lacks sufficient Momentum to go anywhere.

For Example:

Here are some recent examples of the role of Momentum in my interactions:

Infrequency Stalls Out Momentum

Jonas’s communications were terse, but interesting. I’d respond within a day, as is my habit; his responses took longer, typically 3-4 days. The conversation was engaging enough that I continued to communicate with him, though with a lag of 3-4 days in responses, there wasn’t much Momentum. As a result, I had no expectation of the connection leading anywhere. I finally let go of the conversation when he mistakenly addressed me as “Lisa.” If he couldn’t even bother to remember my name, it seemed like a good time to bow out. We never even made it off-platform.

Absence Does NOT Make the Heart Grow Fonder

When Gary messaged me after no contact for three months, any Momentum we had was long gone. His absence was a bucket of water on the firewood. I didn’t bother to respond.

Adjusting Momentum with Discernment

Gradually Increasing Momentum

Jay was more communicative than Jonas, responding at least once a day at length. Sometimes we’d even dialogue on platform in real time. We had some Momentum. I enjoyed our conversation and had a good sense of him. I decided to add further Momentum to explore the viability of our connection, and level up a gear. I gave him my phone number.

We maintained our communication Momentum via text, much as we had on platform. As our conversation continued to unfold in an encouraging way, I added further Momentum, suggesting we chat on the phone. Real time conversation would allow me to get a better sense of him and further discern the viability of our connection.

Had things continued to go well, my next move would’ve been to throw out the idea of planning a rendezvous, if he didn’t suggest it himself. Unfortunately, I learned an aspect of his situation that’s a dealbreaker for me, so I hit the brakes.

Jonas and I never had any Momentum to launch us, no fuel to spark a fire, regardless of any compatibility we may or may not have had. With Jay, I gradually added Momentum to fuel our connection, until the connection no longer made sense.

Of course, I’m not always the one who attempts to add Momentum to the connection. When a man tries to advance our Momentum, I must decide if I’m comfortable and desirous of leveling up, or if I need to back off.

Decreasing Momentum

Walter and I had a pleasant exchange of daily messages, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. When he suggested that we exchange phone numbers, I withheld my daily message. By breaking the Momentum of our communication, I was sending a silent message so he wouldn’t be completely blindsided when I came to a full stop. The next day, I did message him, wishing him well, but explaining that I wasn’t feeling the kind of chemistry I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.

Being Intentional About Momentum

Sometimes between two people, the sparks fly quickly and the Momentum comes naturally. But, when that isn’t the case, it’s helpful to be intentional about gauging the pace of your connection’s Momentum and whether it matches your discernment of its potential or lack thereof.

Facets of Momentum

When determining how to match your pace to your feelings about the connection, there are different facets of Momentum to consider:

  • Response Time: How quickly or slowly you respond to a potential match communicates information about your level of interest. A quick response indicates you’re prioritizing them and glad to hear from them. A slower response indicates that you have some interest, but too slow and that kindling won’t ignite. Likewise, their response time gives you information about their level of interest.
  • Frequency: How often you communicate impacts Momentum. If there’s a lag of days between messages, then it’s difficult to establish Momentum. If you have daily contact, you have sufficient Momentum which you can increase or decrease as you discern your level of interest. If you’re communicating multiple times a day, the Momentum is building…
  • Form: The form your communication takes is also a reflection of Momentum and interest. If you’re still communicating on platform, you have less Momentum than once you move beyond the platform. Every time you move up a level of communication (platform, text, phone/video call, in person) you’re adding Momentum to the connection.
  • Flirtation: Flirtation feeds the fire. The more flirtation your interaction has, the more Momentum you’re giving the connection. In turn, the less flirtatious the interaction, the less Momentum.

Each of these facets plays a role in establishing the Momentum of your relationships. Keep in mind that’s it’s easier to hold back or maintain Momentum, than it is to pull back once Momentum is pushed forward. Be intentional about aligning your actions to your discernment and feelings. Likewise, pay attention to the signals that a potential match is sending relative to Momentum.

Shifts in Momentum

If you notice a sudden shift in Momentum in your relationship, pay attention–it means something’s happening.

If the Momentum increases quickly, and you’re on board with that, then enjoy the ride!

However, if you notice the Momentum’s shifting down, it’s likely a signal that something is going on with your connection/partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if there’s a shift in an established pattern of communication, there’s probably a reason, some Force that’s acting upon your established Momentum. It may or may not be an issue with you or the relationship itself. It could be work stress or a health/family/financial issue. Alternately, it could also be a sign of doubt or an affair. The point is to pay attention to it and address it.

It may be a situation where by being attentive you’re able to be a supportive partner and take care of your relationship, or it may be that your awareness prevents you from being blindsided and prepares you for an unpleasant truth. Either way, it’s better to be informed and have an awareness of your reality, even if it’s not the reality you want. Whatever your truth is, knowledge empowers you to take action matching your truth.

Final Thoughts

Be attentive to the Momentum in your connections and relationships. Have an awareness of Momentum so that you can act on that Momentum in a deliberate manner. Don’t allow your awareness to stray into paranoid territory, but rather use that awareness to read the situation, and take action as it makes sense to you.

May you find the right person to gear up with. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Valentine’s Day–A Day for Lovers