dating platforms

Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles

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Fake profiles and bots are not a new thing, but if you’ve spent any time on a dating app recently, you’ve probably noticed that fake profiles are on the rise. Last autumn, I noticed a seemingly exponential increase of fake profiles in tandem with the push of AI into the mainstream. AI has made fake profiles that much easier to generate for those with malintent. Let’s look at how to spot a fake profile, so you can both protect yourself and not waste your time on phonies.

Signs of a Fake Profile

There are a lot of different signs that a profile might be fake. Pay attention to the signs. The more signage there is, the more likely the profile is fake.

Photos

Certain things about a profile’s photos can clue you in that it might be a fake profile.

Few Photos

If a profile only has three or four photos (or worse, less!) then that’s a sign that it might be a fake profile. Fake profiles are usually thrown together quickly. The less there is in the profile, the more likely it is to be fake.

Exceptionally Attractive Photos

If the profile photos are all exceptionally attractive (think 8-10 on a 10 point scale) that’s a blinking neon sign, especially in conjuction with only having 3-4 photos. There just aren’t that many people that look that great all the time.

This is especially true the older the age bracket is that you’re working with. Some people don’t age well and other people simply don’t take care of themselves as they age. I’m 55, and there are fewer physically attractive options in my dating range than there were a decade ago. Despite that, I noticed several months ago that there were suddenly a plethora of good looking men in their fifties on Match, almost overnight. Where had they been hiding? They hadn’t been created yet.

That AI Aura

Do you know what I mean by an “AI aura”? That clean soft atmospheric quality to photos? Fake, fake, fakity fake. This aura is due in part to the low resolution of AI photos. Here’s an example of an original/real photo and one generated with AI:

photo of smiling woman with messy background contrasted with a flawless ai version

Note the simplified background in the AI photo; how flawless she looks (hair, makeup, wardrobe, expression, smooth skin, perfect eyebrows, etc.); the simplicity of the wardrobe; and the overall softness of the photo.

This, in contrast to the original photo with a complicated background; her leaning at an angle; a little shine on her face; her mouth not quite open nor closed. This is the imperfection of real life.

AI photos can be generated across time and place, with and without other people in them. Real profiles can have AI photos, but an AI photo should give you good cause to be skeptical. Why aren’t they showing you who they really are?

If you’re interested in learning about how to discern AI photos from real photos, take this quiz.

The Summary

The profile summary can also give different tip-offs that it might be a fake profile.

There is No Summary

Fake profiles usually demonstrate very low effort, such as few photos and no Profile Summary at all.

There is a Very Limited Summary

A very limited Profile Summary, such as a paragraph, is still pretty low effort. Low effort is a sign of either a lazy human or a fake profile. Are you interested in either?

Generic or Bland Content

If the Profile Summary says something without really saying anything, that’s another potential sign of a fake profile. A fake profile doesn’t want to alienate anyone, so its content will be rather vanilla. Nothing offensive, but nothing enticing either. You won’t really be able to get a sense of who they are, because they aren’t real.

Fake Profile Summaries usually read like they could have been written by anyone. They like beaches? Who doesn’t? They’re a foodie? As if liking food is a novel thing! Ask yourself, does the profile say anything that is truly novel or differentiates it from other profiles? If not, maintain some skepticism.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

I’ve read a Profile Summary that read as gibberish (Match). It didn’t make sense at all, and it was written in a way that people just don’t talk. If a Profile Summary has a nonsensical vibe to it, then it’s probably inauthentic.

Prompts and Information

When looking at a profile, check the Prompts and Information carefully to see if there are any contradictions. Contradictions in a profile are a sign of a hastily put together fake profile.

Some examples that I’ve seen:

  • A man who’s job was a Doctor of Philosophy but whose education was a bachelor’s degree. A Doctor of Philosophy should have a doctorate, that’s what a PhD is. (Elite Singles)
  • A man who replied to a prompt that he was not eco-conscious at all. Yet the reponse to another prompt said enthusiastically that he’d love to go on an eco-conscious date! (OK Cupid)

Also, if the Prompt responses and Information are non-specific and bland, it could be someone unoriginal or it could be a fake profile trying to be inoffensive. For instance, while there are some Apolitical people out there, these days, that’s a rare stance. It could be a phony who doesn’t want to put anyone off with a political stance.

Messaging

If you get to the point where you’re messaging with someone but they don’t offer much about themselves–they’re vague or generally neutral without a decided opinion on much of anything–then they’re either a poor conversationalist, or they’re trying not to be offensive because they’re phony and trying to draw you in.

Another sign that a profile might be fake is if their first focus is on what you want from relationship, before even getting to know you and discerning compatibility.

Also pay attention to whether they’re reflecting back to you what they think you want to hear or whether they’re offering their perspective regardless of knowing what your preference is.

Redundant Profiles

With a 1500 mile dating radius, this one might be easier to spot for me than those of you dating locally, but I’ve noticed a trend of redundant profiles that signal fake profiles. What I mean by this is that the malintents behind the fake profiles work to generate a large quantity of fake profiles quickly, and that’s easier to do if the profiles share a lot of commonalities, much like an assembly line.

The profiles may be similar in stats–I’ve seen a plethora of profiles with 5’11”, 55 years of age, widowed, graduate degree, seeking serious relationship, and 3-4 photos. Many of them even had the same name, Dominid (Match).

Sometimes I’ll notice a trending name–Dominid was a thing, but I’ve seen surges of Davids, Tims, etc. at different times as well. Last week the nom du semaine was Tony (Match).

Once, I even saw two fairly fleshed out Profile Summaries that were identical–they had different photos, but the exact same content copied and pasted (Match).

If You’re Not Sure

All of the above examples are signs that a profile might be fake. The more signage the profile offers to that effect, the more likely it is that it’s a fake profile, but there are some potential exceptions to why a real profile might present like a potentially fake one, particularly if the information/summary is scarce and the photos are few.

Laziness

It’s possible that someone who doesn’t offer a lot of information or photos is simply too lazy to put much effort into their profile. But if they don’t offer much, how much energy are you willing to put into finding out whether or not they’re real and, if so, who they are?

New

Someone who’s new to online dating or a dating platform may have a profile-in-progress where they haven’t fully fleshed it out yet. That could give off a lot of the same signs as a fake profile. So, if you’re intrigued, but there’s not much there, then you have to put in the energy to discern whether they are real and, if so, to draw them out and discover who they are.

Unremarkable

And then there are people who simply don’t have much to say. They might be real, but they don’t offer much. How much interest do you have in finding out if such a profile might be real or if it’s fake?

Your Profile

Keeping in mind the potential signs of a fake profile, consider your own profile–be careful not to give off fake profile vibes.

Photos

Have several photos across place and time. Anymore, a minimum of eight photos is sufficient to demonstrate that you’ve put some effort into representing who you are and what you authentically look like.

Ensure that you’re sharing what you authentically look like–no AI, no filters, no blurry hard-to-distinguish photos, no oudated photos. Show potential matches who you really are now, the person who will show up on the date. If you show who you really are, potential matches won’t be disappointed when you show up, because you didn’t misrepresent yourself. In this era of fake profiles and the artifice of intelligence, being REAL is a strength.

Profile Summary, Prompts, and Information

One of the signs of a fake profile is that there is no or little information given. Don’t let that be you. Do your best to adequately and accurately represent who you authentically are in your profile.

Final Thoughts

It makes me sad to say, but these days, to be safe, it’s best to lead with some skepticism when looking at dating profiles, particularly if a profile presents some of the signs aforementioned. If you’re intrigued despite some questionable signage, be sure to do due diligence to protect yourself. Ask questions, try to learn them, do a Google search to ensure they’re who they represent themselves to be. Open yourself up cautiously. And remember that the more signage there is, the more likely it’s a fake profile.

Have you noticed any signs of fake profiles that I didn’t mention? If so, please let me know in the comments below.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Be cautious, and good luck out there!

Up Next: On Heterofatalism (and other trending topics)

A Match.com Update: Fake Profiles

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Not long ago, I posted a review of the Match.com dating platform. This week, I had an experience that merits sharing, because it impacts my perception of the platform–a very sudden and prominent proliferation of fake profiles.

A Recap of Some Recent Problems

The past year has seen a decline in quality and service of Match.com, including issues such as:

  • Increasing difficulty in finding quality connections: I’m not sure if the database has shrunk significantly or if the machinations of the platform are simply doing a poorer job of providing ample quality potential matches.
  • Increasing technical difficulties: Including more frequent issues with loading the platform app and “profile not available” messages when a refresh will load the “not available” profile.
  • No longer honoring (my) geographic search criteria: I have a 1500 mile geographic dating radius, yet several weeks ago, Match stopped providing profiles beyond 300 miles in my Discover. To find profiles beyond 300 miles, I now have to use the Search tool.
  • Poor customer service: Likely this has to do with the lack of human factor.
    • When I complained to Match several weeks ago about them no longer honoring my geographic search criteria, I got a canned answer not matching my complaint and blaming me, suggesting I expand my search criteria. Ironic, when they’re the ones who limited me geographically.
    • A client of mine recently had a similar experience. He complained about the limited profiles he was seeing despite living in a major metropolitan area. Match essentially sent him the same response, suggesting he expand his criteria.
    • I grew up in a context where the customer was always right. While that may be an outdated notion, indiscriminately blaming the consumer and not addressing their concern is not a good look.
    • At this point, I assume that the failure to address the actual concerns posed by both myself and my client (and to give us the same canned answer) is due to a lack of a real human factor, and that the responses were from a bot or AI.

Despite these issues, to date, I’ve continued to subscribe to Match, because historically I’ve had a good experience with them, and I’ve made some quality connections through them. However…

A New Development

This week I had an experience that further degrades my perception of the current quality of Match as a platform.

Bots and fake profiles have been an issue for a long time, a problem which is not particular to Match. That said, this week the problem got NOTICEABLY worse on the Match platform.

Almost overnight, the profiles in my search were suddenly much better looking overall. I went from having to scroll for a while to find a profile photo that was reasonably attractive (someone I could potentially imagine being intimate with), to having multiple attractive options on screen at the same time. Men who were solid 7s and 8s on a scale of 10. They upped the attractive man mean. And the photos were attractive enough to get attention, without being so attractive as to arouse suspicion out of the gate.

Initially, this was a refreshing change of possibility, but upon further investigation, it’s a problematic development that ballooned in proportion the more I looked into it.

The Dominid Effect

I clicked on one of these profiles, “Dominid,” from Ohio. Dominid had three pictures in different contexts, all reasonably attractive. 55 years old. 5’11”–tall without being really tall. Widowed. Looking for a serious relationship. Not a lot of details and no Profile Summary. And such a peculiar name, Dominid. It’s like Dominic, but really leaning into his hominid-ness.

When I returned to my Search, I noticed that there were several other Dominids from around the country –South Carolina, New York, Maryland, California, etc. There were thirteen Dominids in all. Funny that. Funnier yet, that they were all 55; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had no Profile Summary. And they each had 3-4 different photos. The Dominids looked different from each other, but they all had the same stats.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that a lot of the other attractive profiles in my Search were also 55 years old. I clicked on some of these profiles, by different names this time. It turns out that many of them were also 5’11”; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had 3-4 photos in different contexts, but no Profile Summary.

I took the trouble to report the Dominids as a scam to Match, but the truth is, that I don’t know that Match didn’t create the profiles themselves. Clearly, they were fake profiles whether bots or AI-generated. I didn’t report men by other names, because I didn’t want to accidentally report someone who actually had those stats and was too lazy to write a Summary. It was also too much.

Our Reality

It’s a disappointing reality. People don’t have to be assholes, nor do corporations, yet so many opt for that reality.

What the motivation is behind creating the profiles and who created them, I don’t know. To scam the unsuspecting or to create the illusion of a large database of attractive romantic possibilities? Regardless, it’s frustrating, and I wanted y’all to know so you could be on the lookout. It’s a hard enough gig to find right connection without having to worry about deception and scams.

Also, while I’m looking at this from the female-seeking-male end of the spectrum, I have to assume that if it’s happening in my realm, it’s happening in other realms too.

Final Thoughts

This experience has reinforced my belief in how important a good Profile Summary is. A profile lacking a Summary is at best an example of someone who’s either too lazy or whose profile is still under construction. At worst, it’s a fake profile–a scam, a bot, or AI.

So, at this point, a profile sans Summary presents as somewhat suspicious. By weeding out profiles with no Profile Summary, you can insulate yourself from this at some level. And the more pictures on the profile, the better indication that the person is real.

Be careful, and good luck out there!

A Review of Dating Platforms: Match

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A reader recently asked for my assessment of different dating platforms. This is a very pertinent inquiry, and one not quickly answered to do the question justice. So, I embark on a series of posts over time to consider the strengths and weaknesses of different platforms: whether they have a niche or target audience; and what distinguishes them from other dating platforms. Let’s begin with a review of Match, the original platform of Match Group.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, then you’ve probably noticed that I reference the dating platform Match.com with some regularity. This is because it’s the platform I’ve used the longest and with the most success, though it has its drawbacks. Due to my familiarity with the platform, it makes sense to start here.

Beyond my own experience, I’ve done some research, looked at comments about different platforms, and inquired about other people’s experiences. If you have particular feedback (good, bad, or neutral) about a platform, I’d love to hear from you either in the comments section or through my Contact page.

Potential Matches

Quantity of Matches

A definite strength of Match is that it seems to have the largest database of users. The reader who submitted the question senses this as well, saying, “Match does seem to have the largest sheer number of subscribers…and the ability to view as many of them as you wish.”

Having a large database, of course, gives you more profiles to look through and a better opportunity to find a good match.

Quality of Matches

The name of the dating platform Match implies that the platform can provide or “match” you with a compatible romantic partner. I’ve personally had this experience. I’ve made several compelling connections over the years. I’ve also met many men who weren’t the right match, but who were interesting connections nevertheless.

A large database allows for more possibilities and a better chance at making that right connection. I’ve found that the profiles that Match directs me to generally fit my search preferences better than other platforms that I’ve tried.

For instance, among my dating preference criteria I include “graduate degree” for level of education, and the profiles that I’m directed to largely meet that criteria. That has not been my experience on other sites. And, if the profiles a dating platform directs me to don’t match my criteria, then the chances of me being interested or finding a match there are slim.

That said, I still go through plenty of profiles that don’t grab my attention before I find one that does (That’s where further discernment comes in.). But, since the profiles better meet my criteria than on other dating platforms, my odds of finding one who does are improved.

Not too long ago, there was a development that I found helpful. There was a tweak to the system that showed my profile to men who fit my dating parameters as part of their Discover. This means that men who fit my dating parameters started reaching out more to me. Thus, the onus wasn’t always on me to be the one reaching out to my preferred type.

Profile Structure

Like most dating platforms, users provide photos, basic personal information (e.g., profession, height, education, etc.), and a personal Summary. On the Match dating platform, the Summary takes the form of an open-ended essay. The Summary gives users the opportunity to reveal their personality or their limitations. Sometimes the limitations are in their character. Other times their limitations are in their ability to find words for who they are.

A nice feature that the Match platform provides is the ability to hide your profile. This comes in handy if you’re exploring a connection and want to hide your profile from others while you do so. Alternatively, it’s also helpful if you want to take a temporary break from dating without deleting your profile. By hiding your profile rather than disposing of it, it’s there to come back to if the connection doesn’t work out or you’re ready to jump back in the dating pool.

Navigating the Match Dating Platform

Platform Recommendations + Personal Agency

Match does a nice job of delivering daily profile recommendations that fit or approximate your dating preferences. Additionally, the platform allows for personal agency in searching for compatible matches beyond the profiles they select.

The Discover and Highlights features of Match are where they provide profiles to you. Discover is a function where they provide a finite number of daily potential matches for you to peruse. Historically, Discover has been my favorite feature as the profiles are right there for me and they reasonably match my preferences. However, over time, the number of daily profiles provided has shrunk. I used to get two hundred daily profiles (I counted once), now they deliver about fifty, tops.

The Highlights feature delivers additional profiles. These profiles match you on a particular quality: Standout Members, Shared Values, or Compatible Dating Intent. You have around twenty total at any given time. Each profile is in your Highlights for a week before falling off. The downside of Highlights is that if you’re taken with a profile, you can only send a Super Like. You get one Super Like per week with a Premium subscription. Beyond that, you have to spend money to buy more Super Likes. A little bit of a racket that, but more to that point later.

The personal agency comes into play with the Search feature. If you’ve blown through your Discover profiles and the Highlight feature isn’t doing it for you, then try Search. You can input your dating preferences and have a plentitude of options (depending on how narrow or broad your preferences are) to scroll through. And, you can save searches to revisit later. I date long distance and currently have saved searches for both the west coast and the east coast that I check on occasion.

Interactions with Potential Matches on the Match Platform

Interactions take the form of Likes (You can like a profile or a particular photo.); Super Likes; and Messages. Once both parties have interacted in some form, you are a “Match“. At that point, your interactions are moved to the Match tab where all of your Match interactions are housed.

After a while, Matches who you’re no longer interacting with are archived, though the more recently archived ones can still be viewed.

You can also put your profile in Private Mode if you want to control who sees your profile. Private Mode only allows people who you’ve interacted with to see your profile. Doing this gives you more agency over your experience, but it also puts all of the onus on you to discover new connections.

The App

In the past year, Match has updated how the app works. There’s a walk-through tutorial about how to use the update and what swiping one way or another means (left=no; right=yes). However, the app is highly sensitive. More than once when I was intending to scroll down to look at a profile, I accidentally “liked” a profile. That’s problematic, as there’s no way to “unlike” a profile.

This has left me in the position of either letting the like stand, welcoming an interaction I wasn’t intentionally inviting, or blocking the person to negate the like. Not so user-friendly.

The current incarnation of the app is overly touchy, so touch with caution!

Quality of the Service

Performance Review of the Match Platform

In the last few years, I’ve noticed more technical difficulties with the Match dating platform. Sometimes this looks like Discover profiles not loading properly even though I haven’t gone through my daily selection. Other times I’ve gotten a message “something went wrong” and need to refresh the site.

The technical difficulties got worse when Jay Shetty came on as a relationship advisor last year. I assume this is because they retooled the site when Match brought him on. At that time, the platform stopped loading the Discover feature reliably, so I was paying for a service that I largely wasn’t able to use. Jay seems to be gone now, but while the technical difficulties have improved somewhat, they still persist.

Recently, I noticed that despite my dating radius of 1500 miles, Discover was only recommending profiles within 300 miles. This limitation really annoys me. I’m not receiving the expansive geographical profiles that I’m requesting. I’ve contacted Customer Service, but they failed to resolve the issue satisfactorily, instead initially suggesting I should expand my preferences…really? Expand beyond 1500 miles?

Incidentally, the quality of Match’s performance has declined as the number of related services (e.g., OurTime, okCupid, etc.) provided by Match Group (and their promotion of them) has increased. They’ll even have pop-ups for these services while I’m trying to access the declining service that I’m already paying for.

This performance decline is much in the same way that Facebook’s quality declined with the expansion of Meta and its services (e.g., Instagram). I don’t enjoy Facebook as much as I used to, because I’m not seeing what I want to see (My friends!). And I’m not enjoying my experience on Match as much as I used to either.

Match Customer Service Review

I’ve had mixed experience with Match Customer Service. Years ago, I wanted to expand my dating radius to 1500 miles but could only manually change it to 999. I called Match Customer Service, and they were very helpful, changing it to 1500 miles for me.

Another time when I emailed due to technical issues with their site, they told me to expand my search. In essence, they were blaming me for the problem and giving me an unrelated canned answer. I followed up with an email telling them that my search was already expanded to 1500 miles and that I have a dating blog. They fixed the issue.

My most recent issue was when my Discover radius was narrowed to 300 miles rather than the 1500 mile geographic radius that I have set. When I contacted them about the issue, they suggested I expand my preferences. How ironic–they narrowed my search, but suggested that I expand it.

The days of the customer being right are long gone. Match, like so many other corporations these days, seems quick to suggest the customer needs to do something better. It’s frustrating and infuriating. I went a few rounds with Match Customer Service until someone actually addressed my complaint rather than giving me a canned answer, but the issue was never resolved.

These days, Match doesn’t have an easily accessible phone number. Like so many other user-unfriendly corporate models, they don’t seem to allow their customers ready access to a real human being on their end. The current experience flagrantly prioritizes money over customer care. The irony of this is that they’re in the personal relationship business, yet their customer service is currently very hands-off and impersonal.

Money, Money, Money

They say that money makes the world go around, and whoever they is/are, they nailed this one.

As I already mentioned, Customer Service has declined while the Match Group has simultaneously expanded their ventures. Rather than give me excellent service on Match, the service I regularly pay for, my experience has declined (e.g., less daily Discover profiles, not honoring my geographic search, more technical issues). Meanwhile, I get pop-up ads inviting me to try their other platforms (e.g., Plenty of Fish) from Match Group. What I want is a quality experience on the platform I’m already paying for.

At the same time, a Match dating platform subscription has become more expensive with more tiers and more add-ons. And while they’ve become more expensive, the service and the number of daily Discovers have declined. Additionally, there are less discounted offers and coupons readily available. However, among the more popular dating apps, its price is comparable. Also, it doesn’t make sense to use the Match platform without buying a subscription as its functionality is severely limited.

If you do subscribe to Match, the longer the subscription, the better the value. That said, even though a subscription is priced per month, you pay for the subscription in full when you subscribe or renew. If you “cancel” your subscription, they’ll usually offer you a discounted price to stay on.

You can buy a subscription for one, three, six, or twelve months. I usually do the six month option at this point, and I subscribe at the Platinum level so I can use the features without excessive limitations.

Are You a Match for Match?

As the Match dating platform performs best with a paid subscription, its subscriber base tends to be older than younger. Many twentysomethings can’t afford a subscription. Most of Match’s users are between 30-49 with the age range of 50 + as their fastest growing subscriber population. This last tidbit may have something to do with some of us who originally subscribed in our forties are now in our fifties? Life happens and time keeps moving.

Match has traditionally been long-distance friendly, but as of late, they haven’t been honoring my long-distance geographic radius. You’re able to set the radius for how far away you are comfortable with dating. Whether they honor it over 300 miles is another thing. Maybe that will shift the next time they play with the algorithm. They regularly tweak the algorithm.

Other than that, it’s got a fairly general subscriber base, not niche. And, while Match is a good place to look for a serious relationship, people are there looking for a variety of things. There’s even a place where you can identify your dating intent: Just See Who’s Out There; Date, but Nothing Serious; Start a Serious Relationship; Don’t Know Yet, or No Answer. I’ve even seen people looking for polyamorous situations.

Other User’s Thoughts

In addition to our inquirer’s input above, he also mentioned that there seem to be “a bunch whose accounts are long-dormant, which is super annoying.” Agreed. If there’s an upside to this, maybe they found someone successfully on platform and forgot to hide their profile?

My friend Chris is more critical of the platform than either our reader or myself. When I asked for his opinion, he said that it seemed like there were a lot of bots on the platform. Further, he said that it felt like a grift, like they were just trying to get money. To his mind, the Match dating platform didn’t feel legit. As I mentioned before, there’s definitely a corporate money angle to the platform. Clearly, Chris senses that. He gives Match a poor review.

However, my sense is not that Match isn’t legit, but rather that it’s performance for the user is limited by the heavy lean into corporate profit. I’ve had the experience of making some compelling connections (real men not bots). I’ve also met some interesting men through the Match platform who weren’t my “match” but who I enjoyed connecting with nevertheless. So, to that end, I see it as a relevant dating platform.

While Chris’s experience of Match is a contrast to mine, his point-of-view and experience are both valid and relevant. Different people have different experiences. The more information you have about the range of experiences something offers, the more you’re able to discern a thing. In this case, I hope you’re better able to discern the Match dating platform for what it is, and whether it’s a match for you.

Final Thoughts

Match has been my preferred dating platform to date, though lately I’ve found it disappointing. It’s certainly the platform that I’ve made the most compelling connections on. The quality of Match’s service has declined over the years, while simultaneously becoming more expensive, but, I haven’t found a platform I like better–yet.

If you’d like a thorough breakdown of the services that Match provides, check out the VIDA Select site. And if you have experience with Match or another dating platform and would be willing to share your thoughts, please comment below or send me a message on my Contact page. I’d love to know your thoughts on Match and other platforms.

My hope is that this post has given you some insight into both the strengths and shortcomings of Match as a dating platform. Regardless of what dating platform you are or aren’t using, good luck out there!

An Update: A Proliferation of Fake Profiles

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Information & Summary Look-fors

Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

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Have you ever felt stuck in your dating life? Craved for things to be different? If so, you’re not alone.

There are all kinds of reasons we might feel dissatisfied with the way things are going and all kinds of reasons we may want to try something different. It’s okay to feel dissatisfied with the way thing are. The good news is, you can do something about it.

Different Phases

We go through different phases in our life, because we’re living through experiences and evolving as individuals. Things are happening to us, we’re making things happen, or maybe our lives are fairly static. Whatever our lived experience, we can’t help but respond to it in some way. Sometimes this response is a positive emotion, such as satisfaction and gratitude for the way things are going, but sometimes we have a more negative emotional response to our situation, such as disappointment, regret, or wistfulness.

The emotional reactions we have to our lived experience can in turn impact that experience itself. If you’re feeling sad about a break-up, you may not feel like dating for a while. Alternately, a break-up may feel liberating, and you may want to really put yourself out there. Your emotional response to the experience impacts how you feel about dating. For our purposes, I refer to these different feelings and experiences over time as Phases.

For Example

David and I had a strong connection from the beginning. When he broke it off, it completely blindsided me. Severely depressed, I didn’t date for almost a year. I had to grieve and come to terms with my new reality before I was ready to move on. The grief was one phase and being in a place where I was ready to put myself back out there was another phase.

My relationship with Stanley was more turbulent in general. In the last year of our relationship, I broke it off with him five times. By the time I was able to stick the landing, I’d already largely grieved the relationship and was ready to move on. Two weeks after the break up, I was back on Match. Actively committing to the relationship and trying to make it work was a phase; being willing to walk away from the relationship, but not sticking the landing was another phase; and sticking the landing of the break up and moving on was yet another phase.

Evolution over Time

Like the moon, we can be essentially the same, yet evolve with time. The woman I am today, is not the same as the woman I was when I started dating after my divorce. In the meantime, I’ve had experiences that have shaped me and that I’ve grown from. I’ve come into my own. I’ve evolved into a stronger more confident version of myself.

There are some men from my past who wouldn’t be a good fit for me today. While there was a reason I went out with them at the time, they don’t suit the woman who I’ve evolved to be.

And yet, I’m still the same me at my core–empath, lover, learner, English major, etc. I’m the same, but different. I’ve evolved over time much like the moon presents itself in different phases over time, yet the moon remains the same.

How have you evolved over time?

Other Factors

There are plenty of other factors that can influence how we’re feeling and responding to our experience at different points in time–health; financial well-being; professional experiences; personal relationships; family issues; social context; etc.

Personally, I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder. For me, this means that my mood and outlook can be very different in the late fall/winter than in the spring/summer months. My mood and outlook go through seasonal phases, much like the moon goes through phases over time.

How are the factors in your life currently affecting your outlook?

Matching Your Dating Strategy to Your Current Phase

To match your dating strategy to where you’re currently at, first you need to assess where you are and how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling good about the way things are going, then why shift strategies? However, if you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with how things are going, it’s worth considering how shifting your strategy might improve your outlook and experience.

Recently, my friend Evan told me that he’s gotten off Match. He said that the interactions he was having with women weren’t that interesting. He’s a public speaker, and, for now, he’s going to focus his energy on having an “I’m available” vibe at his events. It’s not the first time he’s shifted strategies to match where he’s currently at. And, it’s quite possible that he’ll find his way back to Match or some other dating platform in the future if “vibing” doesn’t work well for him.

If you’re dissatisfied with your current dating experience, why is that? What isn’t working in your present tense? What would you like to happen? How can you help that happen in ways that aren’t happening now?

Changing Up Your Strategy

There are several things you can do to change up your strategy, whether you’re looking to expand or refine your dating options.

Dating Platforms

If you aren’t already on a dating platform, try setting up a profile. These days, online dating is common, and there are lots of people out there to meet. This is an easy way to make new potential connections.

If you’re already on a platform, consider whether your profile is as effective as it could be. Are you adequately showcasing who you are both through photos and a biographical summary? Is it easy for potential connections to get a sense of your personality, lifestyle, and what you look like across time and place? If not, you might consider upgrading your profile.

If you’re just setting up or upgrading your profile, make sure to have several current photos, including both head shots and full-body shots. It’s important to also write a summary to go with your profile. The summary is how potential matches will get a sense of the kind of person you are and whether you might be a good potential match for them.

If you’re already on a platform and feel good about your profile, why not try a new platform? There are plenty of options out there, each with different strengths and weaknesses. Some platforms are tailored to broad audiences (i.e., Match, Plenty of Fish, Hinge) and others to a particular demographic (i.e., JDate, Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Grindr). Try a new one that suits where you’re at.

Alternately, try a new tool on your current platform. My favorite tool on Match has been Discover, where based on my dating preferences, Match daily sends me profiles of potentially suitable matches. I go through the profiles to see if there’s anyone that piques my interest. However, when my daily discoveries went from 200 to 50, I started to make use of the Search tool as well as checking out the Highlights section.

Geographic Distance

Another way to change up your dating strategy is to consider altering your geographic search. By broadening your geographic search, you also broaden your pool of potential matches. Are you willing to consider dating someone a little further away to have a better opportunity at finding a good match?

How far you’re willing to expand your search, and the resulting payoff, may be dependent on where you live. In a cosmopolitan area, broadening it by 10 miles could give some good results. Broadening it by 50 miles could potentially have a huge impact.

For me, in Lincoln, Nebraska, 60 miles allows for the Omaha area to be part of my search. 500 miles allows for Kansas City, Denver, and Chicago to be included in my search. 1500 miles allows a search including all of the lower forty-eight states. Broadening my search to 1500 miles is something I did gradually over several years. As a result, I’ve met some fascinating men from across the country.

Some dating platforms that easily allow for a broader geographic search include Match, Elite Singles, Zoosk, and EHarmony.

Who You’re Willing to Consider

If you’re dissatisfied with the status of your dating life, it might be worth considering the type of people you’ve been dating. Are you willing to expand on your type to shake things up and explore new possibilities? Or alternately, do you need to consider narrowing your type to find more satisfactory matches?

You can consider expanding or narrowing your type as you sift through profiles, but you can also broaden or narrow your type by adjusting your search settings, such as:

  • Age
  • Height
  • Body type
  • Race/Ethnicity
  • Education Level
  • Religion/Faith

I’ve gone through phases where I was open to dating outside of my “type” to see if anyone surprised me. Inevitably, I tend to return to my default type because I find such men stimulating and attractive.

Ideally, you want to narrow your pool of possibilities enough that you’re satisfied with your matches, yet broaden your pool enough that you aren’t limiting yourself out of good possibilities. Who are you willing to potentially open yourself up to?

Alternative Ways to Meet People

Though we live in a time when online dating seems to be the norm, there are other ways to meet people. Consider whether you’re open to alternative ways to meeting potential matches other than an online platform. Look for and create opportunities to meet potential matches. Is there anything you could do to hep yourself that you aren’t currently doing? For example…

Ask a friend to set you up with someone

Recently, my friend Erik was introduced to someone by a friend. It went well, and they’ve been dating her for several weeks now. I hope to meet her sometime soon!

Several years ago, my friend Leah was reintroduced to someone. The chemistry flew and they married the following year.

Do you have any friends you trust enough to set you up? If so, ask if they know anyone you might be compatible with.

Singles Events

Have you tried any singles events? Do a Google search to see what’s available. Check for local Match and Facebook events. See if there are any speed dating opportunities in your area.

Get Out

Are you getting out of the house and doing things with some regularity? The more you get out of the house, the more opportunity you have to meet people. If you’re participating in activities and attending events you enjoy, you’re putting yourself in a social context where you’re surrounded by people with a similar interest.

My birthday is coming up. To celebrate, I’m going to Omaha’s Joslyn Art Museum. It’s something I’ll enjoy, and while I have no expectation of meeting someone, I’ll be in an environment with other people who also enjoy art. Years ago, I met Mac at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris. We chatted at the cafe over lunch, and ended up spending the next couple of days together. Keep yourself open to opportunity!

Go to events, take yourself to dinner, go listen to live music, join a club, participate in an activity–put yourself in a context where you’re doing something you enjoy and have the opportunity to meet likeminded people. If you meet someone you’re interested in and attracted to, flirt a little…or a lot!

Approach Someone You’re Drawn to

Unless you live in a remote are, you’re probably around people frequently, whether at the grocery store, on the trail, at a place of worship, in a museum, at a restaurant, or in an airport. While you’re out and about living your life, If you see someone who you’re drawn to and seems to be available, try to approach them.

If there’s any easy way to strike up conversation naturally, do so. If you’re at a restaurant, it could be, “How’s the salmon? It looks delicious.” At an art museum, perhaps something along the lines of, “Do you like Sol LeWitt’s (or whatever artist has a piece/exhibition there) work?”

If they seem receptive to conversation, let them know that they caught your eye. Say something specific and authentic, so it doesn’t come off as a line, such as “You have a lovely smile,” or “I like your jacket. It looks good on you. You have a great sense of style.”

If you do approach someone, be careful to read the signals they’re sending you, especially if you’re a man approaching a woman; women feeling safe is a legitimate concern. If your conversation seems unwelcome, be respectful and back off quickly and politely.

Time

How much time are you willing to devote to finding romantic possibility? If you want more to happen, try devoting more time to your search, going through online profiles, putting yourself out there, and communicating with potential matches.

Conversely, if you’re feeling burnt out, put that time into yourself! Do and pursue your curiosities and interests. When you’re ready to put more time into your romantic search, you’ll be that much more intriguing and evolved.

How much time are you willing to devote to limited romantic possibility? I’ve gone through phases where I’ve spent time engaging in flirtations with men I liked, even though I sensed there probably wasn’t a future for the connection. At such times, it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn’t going anywhere. And flirtations, even ones without a future, can be fun and affirming.

And yet, currently, my feeling is that I don’t want to waste my time (or someone else’s) if the connection doesn’t seem to have any real potential. Do you need to prioritize how much time you devote to limited possibility, or are you enjoying such interactions even if they may not have a future?

Final Thoughts

Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your phase, however evolved you’ve become, be mindful of where you are. By doing so, you can act with intention and in accordance with whatever makes the most sense for the phase you’re in at any given time. And if you’re ready for something more to happen, then try something different to help it happen.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–Intimacy without Commitment