relationship values

Manage Your Expectations: In the Beginning…

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

Up Next: Any Day Can Be the Day

Relationship Mistakes: Apply What You’ve Learned

/ blackbirddiaryblog

We all have lived experience, some of it good, and unavoidably, some bad. This experience–what happens to us, what we make happen, and how we respond to what happens–helps inform who we are and how we grow (or fail to) as individuals. Ideally, we evolve and become better versions of ourselves, having learned some lessons from our lived experience, including relationships and relationship mistakes.

Most of us have made our share of relationship mistakes. To do better going forward, it’s important to learn from those mistakes, then be intentional about applying what you’ve learned.

Lessons Learned

At this point, hopefully you’ve learned some lessons from your dating and relationship history to help guide you in your dating experience. Myself, I’ve learned enough to fill a (literal) manuscript. I also have notes aplenty for manuscripts yet-to-be.

If you haven’t been intentional about learning from your relationship history, it’s worth taking time to reflect on this. What were some relationship issues from your past? Do you have any relationship mistakes that haunt you? Relationship regrets? Relationship mistakes might include actions and behaviors of yours; your choice of a romantic partner who was a poor fit; or the problematic behavior of a former partner.

If nothing easily comes to mind, do a Relationship Autopsy (per my last post) to dig down and really identify past issues, so that you can avoid repeating them.

If you’re intentional about learning from your relationship history, this can also help you identify your Relationship Values, elements that are crucial to your ability to thrive in relationship. It can also help you recognize any patterns of behavior that you want to replace in yourself or, conversely, avoid in a partner.

In this post, we’ll focus on applying the lessons we’ve learned from our dating-relationship history.

Be Aware: Recognizing Your Mistakes and Theirs

To apply the lessons you’ve learned from relationship mistakes, it’s necessary to bring an awareness–an objective eye–to your experience in real time. If you’re able to zoom out effectively, you can watch your own behavior, as well as the behavior of any potential romantic partners.

With that watchfulness, you want to be on the lookout for any of your past behaviors/choices that you want to interrupt or any behaviors from matches that are problematic. Of course, you’ll also want to pay attention any positive or attractive behaviors and chemistry as well–this is what we’re ultimately after.

Self-Awareness

Start with yourself. We carry our histories with us, but in each moment we have the opportunity to choose who we are anew and where we want to go. To put the best version of ourselves out there, first we must have a strong self-awareness–recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, inclinations, and patterns of behavior.

Acknowledge your shortcomings, both past and present, in relationships so that you can address those behaviors and tendencies going forward. If you identify areas that you still need to work on, zoom out and ask yourself why you engage in that behavior or have that tendency. What feeling is behind it? How does that behavior serve you?

For instance, if you recognize that you’re prone to being defensive, ask yourself why. Usually defensiveness is a shield for insecurities, either presuming that someone’s on the attack or a deflective denial of any wrongdoing.

Whatever negative behavior you recognize, dig down and get to the bottom of why you’re manifesting this behavior and what you can do to interrupt it. In the example of defensiveness, you might ask yourself: What am I insecure about? Why? Have I had this behavior modeled for me(e.g., from a parent)? What can I do to build my confidence? How can I interact in a more prosocial way?

Tweak the questions to suit whatever behavior pattern you’re trying to interrupt, so that you can truly understand the Why behind the pattern of behavior. Then, practice a replacement behavior. When doing so, think, “Fake it till you make it.” Practice is the ‘Fake It’ part, until you internalize the new behavior mindset.

In our example, let’s say that you realize your defensive behavior is because your father’s always been hypercritical of you, so you’re constantly on guard expecting criticism. To practice a replacement behavior, try to catch yourself feeling, behaving, or talking in a defensive manner and truth it out–Is this person really saying something that’s critical of me or am I assuming that’s their intent? If it is critical, then listen to them and honestly consider whether what they say is valid.

Additionally, you can write/repeat any mantras and self-messaging that you want to internalize and practice. In our example, that could look like, “Don’t assume that everyone’s on the attack.” To work on any insecurities, maybe something along the lines of, “I’m worthy” or “I’m doing fine.” If you deflect any criticism, perhaps “Listen instead of deflect.” An appropriate mantra will depend on what the motivation behind the behavior is.

By knowing any personal foibles, you can be on the lookout for them, catch yourself in real time, and practice the replacement behavior. This practice will help you put the best version of yourself out there, which will make you feel more confident and help you attract better matches. If you’re already mindful of doing the work to be the most evolved version of yourself at any point in time, then well done!

Now, let’s consider what you’ve learned about behaviors of former romantic partners…

Pay Attention: Be on the Lookout for Potential Mistakes

People are always giving us information through their words and behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to this information so that we can see them for who they are. There are probably some behaviors of former romantic partners that you found problematic. Keeping in mind that we’re all imperfect, determine what behaviors you can live with and which are dealbreakers.

Red Flags: Avoiding Problematic Partners

Once you’ve identified behaviors of former partners that were problematic for you, be on the lookout for those behaviors with potential matches. For instance, when my ex and I disagreed about something, he was frequently condescending and dismissive of my point of view, devaluing me. As a result, I’ve developed a very acute radar for when a man mistreats or behaves in a disrespectful manner to me.

Last year, I went on a date with P and on another date with R. There were a lot of things I liked about both of them, however, on each date I recognized condescending behaviors on their part.

P had a tendency to mansplain. R’s problematic behaviors were twofold–he made assumptions about me rather than listening to me and he was very aggressive about his point of view. P’s approach was gentler, but it was still condescending.

The thing is, while I recognized their behaviors for what they were, it still took me some time to process the dynamics of our interactions. I went into both dates hopeful, but I had some misgivings on the dates themselves that gave me pause. When you have misgivings or pause about an interaction, a behavior, or a relationship dynamic, pay attention–that’s a red flag that you are raising and waving at yourself.

Heed the flag and examine the behavior that you noticed. I liked both men enough that their behavior was unexpected and caught me off-guard. Despite hours on the phone, I hadn’t experienced either the condescension or verbal aggressiveness prior to meeting them. They were showing me who they are, but it was a side of them I hadn’t witnessed before.

I had to remember where I’d been and the lessons that I’d already learned and knew so well, then apply that knowledge to the current situation. It wasn’t an immediate recognition of the behavior with neon lights screaming at me, “NO GO!” Rather, it was a confusion, a subtle wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?” It was a not liking how it felt, then a further examination of my misgivings. Pay attention to those disquieting moments; they’re tells.

Green Lights: Watch for Good Signals

On the flipside, while you’re on the lookout for any problem behaviors, also pay attention and notice any attractive behaviors. Do they treat you well? Are they affirming of who you are? Do you feel seen and heard? Are you at ease with them? These are signs of someone who could potentially be a good partner.

Further, if you recognize attractive and positive behaviors, share that with the person–affirm their positive behavior and make them feel appreciated. Feeding the connection with positive reinforcement will nurture the connection and feel good for both of you. Kindness feels good, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. And if the chemistry is good, positive affirmation can also provide some momentum to the connection.

All Systems Go: No Serious Mistakes Detected

We all have histories. To be ready for right relationship, we need to learn and evolve from our histories rather than let the baggage from our history burden us and the potential of future relationships. And, we deserve romantic partners who do the same.

If you’re actively engaged in being the most evolved version of yourself that you can be and you don’t see any behaviors that are red flags or dealbreakers from your potential partner, then have fun exploring and enjoying the connection for whatever it can be!

Final Thoughts

We are our histories, but we can use our histories productively, learning from our relationship mistakes rather than being limited by them. With an awareness of our histories and an eye on where we are, we’re empowered to live better, make better choices, and have better relationship(s). Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Photographs

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, zoom out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned

Relationship Values: Fun

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Recently, a romantic connection that seemed to have potential didn’t work out. He was a great guy with a lot of qualities that I find attractive, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t right. Something about our Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me.

When discerning the viability of a romantic connection, I pay close attention to learning both the man, as well as our Relationship Dynamic–the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. And, when a romantic connection or relationship doesn’t work out, I perform a Relationship Autopsy (more on this in my next post), analyzing what aspects of the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work, so I can use that knowledge to better inform my discernment of future connections and refine my search appropriately.

Over time, the autopsying of relationships and their dynamics has led me to recognize some Relationship Values that I hold, qualities that I need for the Relationship Dynamic to be successful. In autopsying the failure of this recent connection, I realized a new Relationship Value—Fun. And, while this wasn’t the only reason the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me, it was a significant one.

Fun

Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, defines ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states–Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). I love this definition. Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive; Fun is attentive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve often adventured solo in my life, for lack of a companion, because I’d rather adventure alone, than not at all. But, I’d hardly label a solo adventure Fun. It’s in sharing that adventure with a playful and connected companion that makes it Fun.

And yet, Fun doesn’t require adventure, though it does call for connection and a companion. Fun is a shared lightening of spirit, engagement, and activity.

Fun can be as grand as a gondola ride on the Grand Canal or a day drinking mint juleps and betting on horses at Churchill Downs. But, Fun can also be as simple as playing hide and seek in the aisles of a Chicago grocery store or drinking cocktails outside as day turns to dusk. The right person can make the quotidian compelling. Fun is not just about doing fun things, but it’s dependent on having the right companion for whatever the activity may be.

The Role of Laughter

Laughter, for me, is an essential component of the chemistry of attraction. When a man can make me laugh, it’s a huge turn-on. Conversely, a relationship dynamic lacking in laughter falls flat, like champagne without its effervescence.

My dating profile summary alludes to this:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

Lorraine Bracco Finds humor essential as well. In the April/May 2025 issue of AARP (Yes, I’m over 50), she says, “I’m single and I’m sure someone will arrive. I believe in love. What do I look for in a man? A sense of humor is extremely important. And I like a guy who’s sure of himself. I’m sure of myself, so I want him to be rock steady.” Amen. Hopefully, we’re not looking for the same guy. I don’t need Lorraine Bracco as competition…

The connections that have held the most power for me over the years have been the ones where laughter was a natural part of the connection. I remember with fondness, and sometimes wistfulness, the men who’ve made me laugh. The nature of their humor differed–playful; subtle; clever; sarcastic–but with each, their sense of humor was innate, not contrived. And the shared laughter and banter made our time together Fun.

The Lack of Laughter

The failure of my recent connection is hardly the only one which has fallen flat for lack of laughter. A couple of years ago, I liked Pierre, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. It occurred to me one day, that he’d never made me laugh. Our conversations, though pleasant, lacked the element of Fun.

Much like my recent experience, Pierre was a great guy, but the lack of shared laughter left me feeling disconnected. I was missing the spark necessary to light my fire.

You

What creates the spark of a chemical reaction for you? What qualities in a connection turn you on?

If you can’t readily answer those questions, reflect back to past connections where you felt the kind of chemistry you seek. Consider what qualities from those individuals turned you on and/or energized the chemistry of your Relationship Dynamic. Do you see any patterns of connection and chemistry in those qualities?

If you can pinpoint a pattern of chemistry in your connections, that may be a Relationship Value for you. And knowing that can empower you in your search for connection going forward.

Final Thoughts

What is essential for you in a romantic connection? Do you know your Relationship Values, those must-haves? If not, it’s worth the time to identify them so you can more easily recognize right connection, and quickly weed out the wrong ones. Have fun, and good luck out there!

Up Next: Doing a Relationship Autopsy

Discerning Who You’re Looking For

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A lot of us mid-life singles have a clear idea of what we seek in a romantic partner and relationship. To that end, in my last post, I explored the efficacy of using a checklist of desirables for a romantic partner as a general guide to navigate with, rather than a rigid rulebook of must-haves that limits you out of relationship.

But what if you’re newly single and still getting oriented to your new milieu? What if you don’t know what you want in a romantic partner? What if what you’ve been doing and who you’ve been dating hasn’t worked out so well for you? What if nothing much is happening in your love life? Are you willing to open yourself to new possibilities? If you’re not sure who you’re seeking or you’re willing to reconsider who you might be open to, then this post is for you!

Let’s consider how you can better orient yourself to navigate in the direction you want to go, even if you don’t know which way that is yet…

Patterns of Attraction

If you don’t have a sense of who you’re looking for at all, it might be helpful to reflect on whether you have any patterns of attraction to certain qualities or types of people. Consider past relationships, dates, interactions, and dating profiles. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your dating and relationship history? Are there any qualities that you find enticing or are drawn to?

These qualities may be:

  • Physical Traits: height; ethnic heritage; skin color; eye color; hair color/style; body type…
  • Personality Traits: confidence; sense of humor; carriage; intellect; generosity; thoughtfulness; punctuality; introvert/extrovert…
  • Type of Career/Profession: artistic/creative; scientist; pilot; medical; military; education; technical; entertainment; financial…
  • Perspective: politics; religion…
  • Lifestyle: urban; outdoorsy; maritime; rural; social; travel…
  • Talents: musical; artistic; writing; woodworking; cooking, athletic/sports…
  • Recreational Pursuits: surfing; sailing; equestrian; hiking; running; skiing…

After a few years of post-divorce dating, I realized that I was dating a lot of men with a Mediterranean heritage–specifically Jewish, Greek, and Italian. I’ve also dated a lot of creative/artistic men. I don’t limit myself to such men, but I learned to recognize that those are attractive qualities to me, giving me a self-awareness which has empowered me in my romantic search.

Similarly, my friend Leah, who remarried a couple of years ago, remarked to me that all of her significant romantic relationships, including both husbands, were men of Irish descent. A little uncanny for someone outside of Boston, and definitely a pattern of attraction.

My hairstylist’s two most significant romantic relationships were both with engineers. Coincidences such as this are generally more than simple serendipity. For some reason, she’s been drawn to engineers in her past. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your relationships and dating history?

If you can’t pinpoint any particular patterns yet, pay attention to this going forward, as you look at dating profiles and go on dates. If you find a particular profile or person attractive or intriguing, what is it about them that draws you in? Their piercing eyes? Their sense of humor? Their active lifestyle? Be attuned to any patterns.

Once you identify some qualities that resonate with you, you can use that as a general guide to help you navigate the dating landscape. Recognizing such qualities doesn’t need to limit you to those qualities. Rather, use that awareness to empower you in your search for a suitable and attractive romantic partner.

The Rearview Mirror

Besides having an awareness of what qualities you find attractive in a romantic partner, it can be helpful to look back on your past relationships and dating history to analyze where you’ve been–what has worked for you in the past, as well as what hasn’t worked. You can use this knowledge to help you recognize good potential partners and steer clear of bad situations.

What Worked

When I started dating again post-divorce, I was surprised after a year of multiple misfires to find that I was attracted to the same kind of man mid-life that I was in college. My college sweetheart was a tall dark handsome art history major with a playful sense of humor. Isaac, the first man who really made me swoon in mid-life, was a Jewish (check: tall dark handsome) art museum director (check: art type) and is one of the funniest men I’ve ever known (check: sense of humor).

Recognizing these parallels was a powerful light bulb moment for me. Going forward, I was able to avoid wasting time on men who couldn’t sustain my interest and focus my energy on the kind of men who could. Ever since, I’ve been able to up my dating game, dating men who I’ve found more intriguing and who’ve better suited me.

To find a suitable partner as you go forward, begin by looking in the rearview mirror. What qualities in a partner have worked for you in the past?

What Didn’t

Conversely, consider what hasn’t worked out for you in the past. Do a Relationship Autopsy on your big relationships. Why haven’t they worked out? Be honest about owning your role and make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partners that was problematic. Going forward, you can attend to your own shortcomings and be on the lookout for problematic behaviors in potential partners.

If you see any unhealthy patterns that you’ve manifested in the fallout of your relationships, then be attentive to that and do the work you need to do to ensure more success in the future. I’ve certainly done a lot of work toward being the best version of myself that I can muster at any given time, as well as to be the best romantic partner that I can be. In a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners are working toward that end. If the bulk of the emotional work of relationship falls to one person in the relationship, that’s a setup for failure.

If your romantic partner didn’t or doesn’t do their best to be their best self and partner, then there’s nothing more you can do. That’s their shortcoming, and it limits the potential for the relationship. You either live with it, or you move on and learn from it.

My Story

In my marriage, there was a lot of drama. When my ex and I disagreed, he was condescending and dismissive of my point-of-view. We didn’t need to be in disagreement for him to be dismissive of my feelings. I knew that I deserved to be treated better, but while years of emotional and verbal abuse made me resilient, it also made me emotionally vulnerable.

With Stanley, once again, my feelings were frequently dismissed. He prioritized his ex’s needs over mine. He promised much, but his actions failed to follow through. So much of our relationship never made sense to me, yet by staying in the relationship, I was at some level accepting the situation, because I was accepting a partner who treated me that way.

Eventually, I got fed up with being in relationships where my feelings were marginalized and I was mistreated. I knew that I deserved better, but it was up to me to reject worse and claim better. I couldn’t do that within the contexts of those relationships, because the partners I was with had limitations.

What I learned from these relationships forms the basis of my Relationship Values–how I want to feel in relationship and what I want in a romantic partner. These days, I pay close attention to how a man makes me feel; whether I feel seen and heard by him; whether his words match his actions; and whether or not a situation makes sense to me. If I want to have a successful relationship, I need to choose a partner who’s capable of being the kind of partner I seek.

Kate’s Story

My friend Kate, reflecting on her dating history, realized that she’s dated a lot of “Assholes”. Essentially, that translates as men who haven’t treated her well or made her feel valued, often amounting to them blowing her off. She may have liked them, but she didn’t like the way they made her feel. Having an awareness of this, she’s developed an Asshole-radar which she pays close attention to.

Your Story

Looking back on your relationship and dating history what are the big red flags that you see in the rearview mirror? What were the problem areas of your past relationships? What faults and characteristics of your past partners caused you so much grief that you want to steer clear of them in the future? What are your relationship values?

Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Final Thoughts

Having an awareness of your patterns of attraction, as well as characteristics in partners that have and haven’t worked for you in the past, allows you to be more intentional in your search for a suitable romantic partner. Work to be your best you and know what does and doesn’t work for you, so you’re ready for that right romantic partner and recognize them when you see them!

May you find the partner who’s worthy of you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

Relationship Values: Show Up

/ blackbirddiaryblog

December 31, 2021, I had a NYE date scheduled in Kansas City with SB. We’d been talking for about a month, we both had the holiday free, and we thought it’d be a fun first date. SB went to some lengths to charm and fete me. He made dinner reservations and planned our entertainment. He bought a plane ticket to fly me down (Funny, I thought. After all, it’s only a three and a half-hour drive, and I’d fly through Denver, not direct. But it was a kind gesture, he really wanted to do it, so I went with it.). He even rented a condo for me on his floor, so I could do as I chose and still be in close proximity. Nice, right?

The date never happened. A few days before our date, SB tested positive for COVID. Disappointing, but things happen. Whaddya do?

His illness was understandable. What bothered me about the situation was the slow fade afterward. His communication shifted, becoming more irregular, and suddenly, I was initiating most of the interactions. Initially, I gave him some grace for coming off an illness, but the pattern of interaction had definitely altered, and eventually I inquired point-blank whether he’d lost interest. He claimed that wasn’t the case, yet his words didn’t match his actions–He was no longer showing up. So, I let it go. I want a man who shows up. I deserve to feel wanted. If I don’t, I won’t waste my time.

Several months ago, SB came back around with renewed interest. He friend-requested me on Facebook, he called, and he even asked me out again. This time around, I was wary. He’d already demonstrated that he was inconstant, and I want a partner I can count on. (The FB photos he posted of attractive women snuggling up to him didn’t help his case.) Ultimately, this go-round, I passed.

Showing up is active, not passive. It’s a behavior that demonstrates value. If someone is showing up for you, it demonstrates that they value you enough to take action. Likewise, if you value someone, you ought to be showing up for them.

It used to be, that when someone I was interested in didn’t show up for me, I took it personally. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt when that happens, but now I have the confidence to know that there’s nothing wrong with me. If someone isn’t showing up for you, there’s honest grief in that, but consider flipping the situation. Rather than wallow in the grief, recognize that you deserve better. You deserve someone who shows up for you. There may still be grief, however you’re taking an empowering stance.

If someone isn’t showing up consistently, there’s a reason. Perhaps a complicating factor (i.e., long distance, faith, politics, children, etc.) is giving them pause or something’s happened (i.e., they’ve taken ill). Maybe it’s an issue of connection (i.e., the interest is lopsided) or objective (committed relationship vs. nothing serious). Or it could simply be a character flaw (i.e., They’re a flat-out flake.). Give grace when it’s reasonable to do so, such as when SB was ill. But, in the long run, if someone values you, they show up. And if you value someone, you need to show up too.

SB is hardly the only man who’s stopped showing up. If a pattern of interaction changes and someone stops showing up, it’s likely a sign that their level of interest has shifted. I still grieve some of the men in my life who stopped showing up, but I also know that I want and deserve a man who I can count on.

Nor is SB the only man to disappear and pop up again. I think most long-term relationships have weathered a break-up and reconciliation at some point, and I’ve certainly had my share of former beaus come around again. Relationships inevitably have bumps, and it’s important to pay attention to the bumps and how you navigate them both individually and as a couple/connection.

A willingness to be open to reconciliation is giving grace to a potential mate, but with that grace comes the need for both of you to demonstrate that you can show up for each other, as well as work through any other issues you may need to address. When someone who’s been absent reappears, it’s a showing up of sorts, but the real showing up comes with consistency over time. If someone disappears from my life, then reappears, they’re going to have to demonstrate that I can count on them to consistently show up. They’ll need to (re-)earn my trust.

DM is a man who I love but can’t trust to show up. He’s reappeared multiple times in the past few years. Once when he resurfaced, we even scheduled a rendezous in Boulder. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him to show up, but I was willing to give him the chance. We set dates. I found a condo, and he booked it–a good sign of intention, something concrete. Then, as our rendezvous approached, he panicked and cancelled. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

Several months later, he said he wanted to see me again. I was open to the idea, but understandably dubious as to whether he’d follow through. He didn’t. As soon as we started talking specifics, he disappeared again. We have strong connection, and despite everything, I still love him, yet he’s demonstrated that I can’t count on him, and with that, he’s eroded any emotional trust.

For several years, my friend Kate dated a man who’d make vague Saturday night plans with her, then frequently show up really late or not at all. It was frustrating, because she loved him and wanted the relationship to work, but his behavior was hurtful and devalued her. Ultimately, she valued herself more than the relationship, and she moved on. He’d demonstrated that she couldn’t count on him showing up for her, so she showed up for herself.

Showing up isn’t a value just for romantic relationships; it’s a value for all relationships. In college, I had a friend who cancelled plans with some regularity due to not feeling well. It was annoying, but I gave her grace on the understanding that she had a weak immune system. On one such occasion when she cancelled, I went out with my boyfriend instead. I was suprised when we ran into my “sick” friend downtown. I’d given her grace, but her actions and excuse devalued me. How many other times had she done that to me? That encounter taught me where I really stood with her, and that I couldn’t count on her to show up for me as a friend.

Showing up will look different for different people and different relationships. What showing up looks like is dependent on the level of intimacy, how well you know someone, and how long you’ve known someone. Likewise, the frequency is also dependent upon the individuals, their preferences, and the level of relationship. Showing up is not suffocating, it’s affirming. If it feels suffocating to either party, then it’s veered into different territory. Keep your expectations reasonable regarding others and ensure that their expectations are reasonable regarding you.

Information is good, and people are always giving us information about who they are. As you discern the suitability of a potential match, pay attention to their behavior and how they treat you. Some things to consider:

  • Do they contact you regularly and reliably? That said, ensure your expectations are reasonable.
  • When you have plans, do they show up? Do they show up on time?
  • If a difficult situation arises (i.e., work situation, illness, car trouble), do they at the very least lend an empathetic ear? Do they show up in an even bigger way (i.e.,cooking you a meal, helping you fix a flat tire, giving you a ride)?
  • When you have something to celebrate (i.e., a birthday, a promotion, running a marathon) do they genuinely celebrate you?
  • Are you doing that for them?
  • Are they revealing themselves to be someone who you can count on, or are you getting different messaging?
  • What messaging are you sending?

Pay attention to the information people give you. It’s our responsibility to glean the truth of who people are from their actions and to see them for who they truly are. Doing this will help you discern whether someone is a good match for you, and it also gives them the honor of being seen.

Final Thoughts

Who is showing up in your life? Let them know they’re appreciated.

May you be surrounded by beloveds who show up for you, and make sure that you’re showing up for them as well. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating & Mental Health

Relationship Values: Does it Make Sense?

/ blackbirddiaryblog

There were so many reasons that my relationship with Stanley didn’t make sense. Most of the reasons had to do with his ex who he hadn’t quite shed himself of. That’s enough of a reason, without all the ugly supporting details. The picture didn’t fit in a way that made sense to me, but I’d stepped into it anyway. He’d told me that things were going to be different, and I wanted to believe him, so for a time I deluded myself. I put time and energy into a relationship that didn’t make sense to me. It was much like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle piece fit into the wrong puzzle–no matter how hard you force it, it just won’t fit. Eventually, I stopped trying to force it. I stepped out-of-frame, liberating myself from a picture that I didn’t fit into.

I’ve always tried to learn from my experiences and my relationships, and my relationship with Stanley taught me many lessons that I continue to take forward. We were compatible and I cared about him, so I persisted in trying to make it work even though it wasn’t making sense, even though the relationship caused me emotional angst. But staying in a relationship that doesn’t make sense and creates emotional angst doesn’t make sense–so why would you? Ultimately, I didn’t.

Going forth, whether something or someone makes sense in my life has become essential in my evaluation of a situation.

There’ve been plenty of men who I liked, but in the end didn’t make sense for different reasons. A few of them:

  • CJ: I had fun with CJ. I liked the way he treated me and made me feel, but we’re very different people. He watches Fox News; I listen to NPR. He hunts; I’m a pescitarian. In the end, our differences precluded deeper connection.
  • Edward: I enjoyed my time with Edward, but I sensed that he felt emasculated by my strong female energy. That wasn’t going to work. I’m also pretty sure he was in love with his best friend, and I wasn’t going to come in second to another woman after my relationship with Stanley. Nope.
  • Robert: He lives in Park City and loves winter activities. I abhor winter–it’s cold and dark! If we’d connected on enough other levels, perhaps we could still have made sense, but his connection to winter is deeper than any connection we had. He deserves to be with someone who enjoys winter.

Conversely, there’ve been men who it didn’t work out with, even though they made sense to me. They made sense for many reasons: I felt seen by them; I liked the way I felt with them; they were expansive; I could visualize myself in their life and them in mine; I was attracted to them; and we had chemistry. David, Damon, Bruce…they’ve all made sense to me. Each man, each connection was special in its own way, but they all made sense for the same reasons, in much the same way Leo Tolstoy wrote of families in Anna Karenina, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There are lots of reasons that relationships mightn’t make sense, but the reasons a relationship does make sense are more consistent.

Whether or not someone or something makes sense has become such an essential personal method for discernment, that I’ve learned to apply this lesson beyond the realm of dating and relationships. For example:

  • Best Buy Total Membership/Geek Squad: For someone who has a website, I’m not instinctively tech-savvy. To that end, for several years I subscribed to Geek Squad services because it gave me peace of mind that if something went wrong with my tech that I didn’t understand or couldn’t troubleshoot, I had a service available to me. When they doubled their prices a couple of years ago, adding in a “Best Buy Total Membership” package which I wasn’t interested in, it gave me pause, but my tech-insecurities and habit kept me as a temporary subscriber. In the meantime, we’ve seen inflation, my two boys have started college, and as a single mom on a teacher’s salary, I’m now paying auto insurance for myself and two young adult males. Looking around for places to pare back expenses, that Best Buy Total Membership/Geek Squad subscription was no longer making sense to me, so I unsubscribed.

  • Farm Aid 2023: I really wanted to go. I’d especially like to see Neil Young perform someday, added bonus: I’d get to see Willie and Lukas Nelson. This year, Farm Aid was in Noblesville, Indiana. It would have involved me taking a day off and driving ten hours each way. One day of entertainment, bookended by a full day of driving on either end. The bad tickets were $189. If I was going to drive ten hours each way, I wasn’t going to do so for the bad tickets. It was also the weekend I had my son, who I wanted to take with me, so the price of any tickets purchased would be times two. Add in costs for hotel, parking, meals. I’m a single mom and a teacher, so I take expenditures seriously on my budget. The reward of attending wasn’t making sense for the effort and cost, so I passed on the opportunity. Maybe another year it will make more sense.

  • Beth Hart: Another concert I wanted to attend. I actually had tickets. But then, she postponed her tour. My initial tickets were for a Saturday in October. The concert was an hour drive away, and after the show, I was going to spend the night at my friend’s and drive back the next day. When Beth Hart rescheduled her tour, the date was changed to a Tuesday in May, a weekday where I had an afterschool meeting. May is also the final thrust of the school year with particular responsibilities, and by contract I’m bound not to take time off except in case of illness, bereavement, or with special permission. A Saturday in October made sense. Arranging to take special time off for a concert on a Tuesday in May during the final flurry of the school year, or, alternately, working a full day plus an afterschool meeting, then driving an hour to go to a concert wasn’t sounding fun or making sense. It was sounding like more work, not the fun diversion I was looking for. I sold my tickets to a friend.

I’m sounding like a regular concertgoer, aren’t I? Rather, note that I’m a failed concertgoer. One of these days, I’ll manage to amend that, but only if it makes sense.

Now one of my guiding personal mantras, whether or not someone or something makes sense can be applied to any aspect of your life–professional; romantic; recreational; personal, etc. Does it make sense to go on that trip? If so, when does it make sense to go on that trip? Does it make sense to accept that job? Does it make sense to hire that person/company for that job? Does it make sense to buy a house now? A car now? Does it make sense to buy that house? That car? Does that purchase make sense? Does going back to school make sense? Which college makes the most sense for my child? Does this friendship makes sense? (I’ve had friendships that didn’t and that I’ve let go of. No animosity, the friend simply wasn’t able to be the kind of friend that I want in my life.) Does this relationship make sense? Does going on this dinner date make sense? Ultimately, does putting your time/money/energy into a particular endeavor, person, or relationship make sense?

What makes sense for me, may or may not make sense for you. I date long-distance, because I know I’ll have better luck finding the kind of connection I seek if I broaden the pool of possibilities geographically. My children are grown, I’m near retirement, and I’m willing to relocate for the right man. All of those things make dating long-distance make sense in my life. But I know plenty of people for whom it doesn’t make sense. It is for you to discern what makes sense to you and for you. Consider–What are your determining factors on who and what makes sense in your life?

And finally, give yourself the grace of time. I’ve discovered that I make better decisions when I give myself time to think things through, rather than placing pressure upon myself to have a ready answer. Allowing myself the grace of time has allowed me to become better at my decision-making. Discernment doesn’t need to be rushed, unless particular circumstances dictate that necessity. Allow yourself adequate time to reflect and think things through.

May you find success in surrounding yourself with people and situations that make sense to you in your life. Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: Expand My Universe

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 1 Comment

Allow me to tell you about the Tom Ford room. Stay with me; I promise I’ll get to relationship values too.

Last summer, while in NYC, I spent a day at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Wandering around the galleries, I came across the entrance to the exhibition In America: An Anthology of Fashion. Despite my passion for fashion, I almost walked on. After all, I’d already spent time with the first portion of the exhibition, In America: A Lexcion of Fashion, and there’s so much to see at The Met–did I really want to devote more of my time there to fashion? Well, yes.

The assignment: Each period furnished room in The American Wing of The Met was assigned to a different American film director. Their task was to create a narrative scene in their assigned room using clothing from the Met’s collection.

The execution of the task was wide-ranging. Sofia Coppola’s room was a disappointment. Assigned a 19th century room, she dressed the mannequins in 19th century clothes and placed them in predictable groupings. Uninspired. I could’ve easily accomplished the same outcome or better.

Chloe Zhao’s staging of the Shaker Retiring Room was more interesting. While the room itself is circa 1835, Zhao intermixed period costumes with clothes from the next century, specifically, Claire McCardell pieces from the 1930s-40s. And yet, what a fitting partnership of simple, utilitarian, austere fashion and furnishing. So removed in time, yet the hardships of Depression and wartime impacted fashion with a similar visual aesthetic that Shakers opted for via philosophy and religion. The pairing was interesting, and it worked.

Still with me? We’re almost there; only a couple more rooms to go. It’s worth the wait…

Janicza Bravo’s Rococo Revival Parlor could have been a scene from To Catch A Thief–a lone manequin, clad in a gown Grace Kelly could easily have worn, was staged in an extravagantly decorated side room. Chairs are pushed aside, the mannequin’s bolero jacket hangs on one chair, her cake plate sits atop another, and her shoes have been cast off–she’s taking a moment. There’s both a palpable external and internal narrative in the composition.

Martin Scorsese was assigned the Frank Lloyd Wright room and rose to the occasion. A party of mannequins dressed in period formal wear and placed in conversational groupings suited the setting. A soundtrack of an intimate conversation between a couple played on a loop–which couple was it? And what about the man(nequin) just outside the window looking in? The scene had an undercurrent of noir. Fashion, furnishing, art, story.

And then, there was the Tom Ford room…officially Gallery 735. The space itself is unique–the room is a large circle with John Vanderlyn’s painting ‘Panoramic View of the Palace and Gardens of Versailles‘ on the wall encircling the space. Two mannequins outiftted as regal doormen greeted me at the entrance. Upon entering, I was gobsmacked.

In the center of the room, the mannequins were in an all out fashion battle, airborne with martial art kicks and dueling swords! They were dynamic and energetic. Ford made them come alive with movement– the fashion simultaneouly still and in motion, like a movie freeze-frame. His inspiration: the Grand Divertissement à Versailles (Great Entertainment at Versailles) Fashion Event of November 28, 1973, commonly referred to as The Battle of Versailles, and so Ford staged it.

The Battle of Versailles was a fundraiser with five elite French fashion houses (Marc Bohan/Christian Dior; Pierre Cardin; Givenchy; Yves St. Laurent; and Emanuel Ungaro) versus five American ready-to-wear designers (Bill Blass; Stephen Burrows; Halston; Anne Klein; and Oscar de la Renta). The American designers were the underdogs, and the underdogs flipped it, turning the fashion world upside-down that day. American ready-to-wear dominated French haute-couteure with a gut punch. Tom Ford made it a literal kick to the gut! Brilliant!

Mesmerized, I circled the scene processing the fashion, the poses, the setting, the scene as a whole, and all the levels that Tom Ford was hitting it on–historical, metaphorical, visual, cultural, locale, narrative. It was all so pertinent, so perfect, so scintillating. Spellbound, I couldn’t stop thinking about the Tom Ford room. Back in Nebraska a few days later, I googled ‘Battle of Versailles,’ found a documentary about it (Versailles ’73: American Runway Revolution), and downloaded an app just so I could watch it. I wanted to know more.

Have you ever felt like that about someone? Mesmerized? So gobsmacked you can’t stop thinking about them? So charmed that you want to explore the niches of who they are and learn them better? You hadn’t forgotten this is a dating blog, had you?

I seek stimulation; I need stimulation. Without stimulation, I wither. I need to be intellectually engaged, and I seek stimulation in many forms–visual, geographical, experiential, physical, cultural, artistic, linguistic, academic, creative, narrative. And that’s what I seek in a partner–a stimulating companion, a man who can expand my universe and understanding, a man who can show me new vistas. I’m looking for the Tom Ford room in a man.

I’ve dated such men–Damon, the botanist; Isaac, the art historian; David, the writer; and David, the filmmaker (I’ve dated my share of Davids), to name a few. They’re men who are actively engaged with the art of living and learning, and this makes them engaging company. I’ve enjoyed having them open their worlds to me, expanding my universe. Anything less would be settling. If a man doesn’t have expanses to reveal to me, I’ll look for stimulation elsewhere, because expanding my universe is not only a relationship value, but a core life value. I want to engage with my world and keep learning, keep expanding what I know, where I go, and who I can be. And if I want that for myself, then I need it in a partner.

Ironically, by expanding my universe, it shrinks the world, making it more familiar, more intimate, more comfortable, and less intimidating. Simultaneously stimulating and comfortable. That’s the man I seek. The aforementioned men are all Tom Ford room men, and I’ve dated others as well. They’re a rarified breed of man. And while lasting relationship with a Tom Ford room man has eluded me to date, I won’t settle for less. I only need one of them to step it up and stick around. I’ll keep expanding my universe and hope that maybe someday one of them will.

And what about you? What mesmerizes you in a partner? What qualities in a match pique your interest and make you want even more? If you don’t already know, then consider the question and ponder its answer. Whatever it is, I wish you luck in finding it if you haven’t already. In a future post, we’ll address discerning your relationship values. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–Does it Make Sense?

Relationship Values: How do you Feel?

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you like and are physically attracted to. As we get older, this becomes even more challenging as we become more settled in who we are, narrowing the possibilities of who we might be interested in, and, let’s face it, much of the dating pool isn’t getting better looking with age. Throw in all the lies people tell about their age, and it’s quite literally getting ugly out there. (I’m an English major: please note the correct usage of the word literally.) While compatibility and physical attraction are important aspects of a relationship, with time, I learned to pay attention to how the person I’m in relationship with makes me feel.

When I was younger and newly divorced, I thought finding someone you liked and found attractive was enough (Foreshadowing: It isn’t.). Then there was the hurdle of whether the feeling was mutual–I like him; I hope he likes me too! Sometimes the guy did; other times the guy didn’t. And I, myself, have been on the receiving end of crushes and unwanted attention. But love unrequited, isn’t really love; it’s fantasy.

So, you’ve found someone you like/love, someone you’re attracted to (Huzzah–it’s even the same someone!), and the feeling is mutual. You should be in for smooth sailing right? All systems GO! If only. We all know it’s much more complicated than that. Even rom-coms don’t allow for it to be that easy.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. But with time and experience, I’ve also realized that I need more than just mutual interest and attraction. I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. And if a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved, to make them feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Stanley and I were together for four years. He’s an attractive man. I both liked and loved him. We were compatible and had fun together. That’s a lot. But, it wasn’t enough.

When we were in a relationship valley, he’d sometimes say, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was (Note the past tense.), I’d downplay it, but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, he had an extremely co-dependent relationship with his ex. It wasn’t just about any issues the two of us might have, but the additional issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. Frankly, it felt gross. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why would you stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth, to learn that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my own insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. My relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness and a supportive partnership. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence.

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship with a person should also be a consideration. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel.

Are they peacocking? Are they making conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue? Are they making you feel like you need to prove that you measure up? Are they judgmental or condescending? Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person? Do you feel seen? Do they treat you with kindness and consideration? Do they make you smile and laugh? Are you having fun? Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence, as well. I said this to my friend Evan recently, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn. Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)

/ blackbirddiaryblog

How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you, never again.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?

I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.

Joel

In NYC one summer, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.

Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.

I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.

Stromboli and Me

I recently watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.

That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.

Additionally, if I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, he turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommy song, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.

On Being Seen and Heard

A few years ago, I read a quote on Reddit that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.

I’ve met men who saw me better in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.

A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.

Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.

David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving end of. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.

It’s Not Just About Romance

I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.

I took Adaptive Schools training years ago. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there is evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.

The Death of My Ex

The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.

When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But, I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.

Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.

On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.

EJ

My friend EJ retired a couple of years ago and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that, a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the Winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.

EJ said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.

I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“

He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“

“I never said any different.“

He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. EJ no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.

Final Thoughts

Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.

And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–How do you Feel?