Author: blackbirddiaryblog

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Oh so Cliché…

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By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.

If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.

The Problem with Clichés

Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.

I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.

Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.

Brad’s Friend

Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.

My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.

George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…

Nic

A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?

Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.

Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.

Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.

When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.

Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.

Breaking Down Some Clichés

Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:

  • “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
  • “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
  • “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
  • “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?

Question Clichés

Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.

You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.

For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.

I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.

You

To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.

When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–What is a Committed Relationship?

A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge

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Among the plethora of dating platforms, Hinge is a key player. One of the many apps owned by Match Group, its tagline is “designed to be deleted,” a reference to its goal of helping you get to successful relationship. With news that NYC mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani met his wife on Hinge, it’s had some renewed interest in the past year. Let’s review Hinge more closely, to better understand its place in the world of dating apps and whether it might be a good fit for you.

General

Here are some basics about the platform:

App Only

The Hinge platform is only available via app, not computer. If apps are your preferred mode, then great! But, it’s a limitation that will annoy some users.

Designed to be Deleted

Hinge’s tagline is designed to attract clientele who are looking for a serious long-term relationship. To that end, it has specific features to encourage that, including limiting the number likes someone can give in one day to eight, unless you have a paid subscription. Hinge states that their research indicates eight is the magic number to helping customers make better matches.

As part of setting their customers up for better matches, their research also showed that liking a specific part of someone’s profile (e.g., a photo, a prompt), rather than a general profile like, leads to more successful outcomes. To that end, you must choose a specific part of someone’s profile to like. In doing so, they further encourage you to add a comment to spark conversation. My son’s friend Jaden likes this aspect of the app. Jaden’s girlfriend liked one of his pictures, initiating a conversation which ultimately led to romantic relationship.

See Hinge’s mission statement if you’d like to see what they have to say about their commitment to “designed to be deleted” in more detail.

Profiles

The profiles are limited in what they contain, but there are certain requirements. This strikes a balance of neither too little nor overmuch information that you can glean from a profile.

For instance, in order to “like” other profiles, you must upload six photos/videos to your own profile. But, six is also the maximum amount of photos you can upload to your profile. No more, no less. Six is a nice minimum amount of photos to see, but an unfortunate maximum limit.

The biographical information is limited as well. There are the several statistics you’re able to provide (e.g., profession, education, politics, religion, etc.), but a limited amount of space where you can describe who you are and who/what you’re looking for in a romantic partner. Beyond the statistics and photos/videos, profiles consist of simply three prompts and answers. Not a lot of space for someone to reveal who they are as a person and who/what they’re looking for.

So, the amount of information that you can relay about yourself or glean from someone else’s profile is adequate, but limited. That said, because there’s a minimum amount of information required, overall, the profiles generally seem more legitimate, better-filled out, and more polished than is often the case on other platforms.

Geography

For those of us who are open to/prefer to date long distance, Hinge isn’t particularly friendly. The maximum distance you can set as a dating radius is 100 miles. You can, however, change your location on your profile, for instance if you’re travelling and want to see who’s available in the area.

Because of the limits of geography, Hinge seems best suited for those who aren’t interested in dating long distance or who live in a cosmopolitan area where there’s a larger quantity of local options.

Profile Structure

Here are the main components of profiles (both yours and theirs):

Six Photos

As I said, no more, no less. Six.

Written Prompts

Rather than an open-ended summary, Hinge provides written prompts for you to answer to tell potential matches about yourself. The upside of this is that it’s a less intimidating prospect for those who are intimidated by the idea of filling a blank page. The downside is that you’re limited to three prompts, not leaving you (or them) much room to share who you are.

As part of a profile, users must choose and answer three prompts. Much like with photos, you choose and answer three–no more, no less. While it’s limiting that you’re restricted to three prompts, as it’s a requirement, it can’t be left empty–users have to give you something of who they are. How much and what they give you can reveal a lot about them, even in a limited space.

Some prompt examples:

  • My greatest strength…
  • I’m looking for…
  • Two truths and a lie:

I suggest that you answer your selected prompts thoughtfully and fully–a paragraph or two. The more information you provide about who you are, the more likely you are to attract a quality match.

Optional Content

In addition to the required profile components there are some optional components.

Video Prompt

Much like the written prompts, you can also do a video prompt (e.g., “I recently discovered that…”). The idea of the video prompt is to show who you are with added dimensionality. By being more than pictures to see and words to be read, you’ll seem that much more real. They can hear your voice, see you move, read your body language.

If you opt in, remember that you want to present your best self in video form. Do a mirror check–should you powder your face? Brush your hair? Change to a shirt without a coffee stain? Do you have something in your teeth? No need to be uptight about it, but don’t be slovenly either.

Also, think through what you want to say. Practice a few times. If you need to, practice in front of a mirror. You want to be natural, not stilted in your response. By rehearsing, you allow yourself to get more comfortable, thus enabling you to come across the way you want.

Prompt Poll

Another option is the Prompt Poll. In this option, you choose a prompt, then give three responses for potential matches to choose from.

For instance, you choose a prompt such as, “Let’s break the ice by…”

Then you write three possible responses for potential matches to choose from, such as…

  • Option 1: singing karaoke
  • Option 2: speaking in an accent
  • Option 3: randomly breaking out in dance moves.

They can be a bit silly, but if a prompt speaks to you, and you’re feeling creative, then go for it!

Voice Prompt

Another prompt option is the Voice Prompt. This option offers potential matches more dimensionality than the written prompt, but less than the Video Prompt. They can’t see you moving in space, but it allows them to hear you vocal tonal qualities.

Voice Prompt examples:

  • A boundary of mine is…
  • Biggest risk I’ve ever taken…
  • A random fact I love is...

If you opt for this, much like the video prompt, it’s a good idea to rehearse your response a few times to get comfortable. Be yourself, making sure to keep your tone warm, open, and unhurried. Ensure the Voice Prompt works for you, not against you, if you choose it.

Identity

This part of a profile is where you identify your pronouns, gender, and sexuality.

My Virtues

Virtues may be a questionable term for the content, but this section of a profile is where you list your work, job title, education, religious beliefs, dating intentions, relationship type, etc.

My Vitals

This part of a profile is where you share your name, age, height, ethnicity, children, etc.

My Vices

This section is where you reveal whether or not you’re a lush, smoke, use marijuana, or are a drug addict. If you have other vices, apparently you’re not expected to come clean about them on your profile.

Feeds

There are three different feeds on the Hinge platform: Discover, Standouts, and Likes You.

Discover

The Discover feed is marked by an H symbol on the app. This is where you can browse profiles, and, if you find someone you’re interested in, like some part of their profile.

Standouts

The Standout feed is marked by a * symbol on the app. This feed has ten profiles that rotate daily. Each profile features a particular prompt/response that Hinge selected based on your preferences.

Likes You

The Likes You feed is marked by a heart symbol on the app. As the name of the feed implies, this is where you can see users who have liked you, but with the caveat that you can only see one at a time unless you pay for a subscription. Only allowing users to see one profile at a time encourages users to engage with profiles rather than scroll through them, or, alternatively, to shell out money for the convenience of having access to multiple profiles.

Other Features

Roses

If you really like someone, you can send them a Rose, which functions similarly to a Super Like, making your profile rise to the top of someone’s list. Users get one free Rose per week, but you can purchase additional Roses within the app.

Boosts

A Boost lifts your profile to the front of the line, so that more people see your profile, for one hour. Superboosts do the same thing for twenty-four hours.

Messaging

Hinge encourages messaging when you like part of someone’s profile. Once a message is sent, Hinge will notify users that it’s “Your Turn” to respond. This helps keep momentum in a connection, as well as discouraging ghosting.

Once someone includes a phone number in a message exchange, Hinge will follow up with users to see if you’ve met, and if so, how you felt about the quality of the connection. This helps Hinge continue to tweak the algorithm to try to provide better matches.

Dealbreakers

If there are any qualities that are true dealbreakers for you, you can mark them as such in your Preferences. Note that this will filter out matches that don’t meet your preference on that quality. Unless it’s a true dealbreaker, you probably don’t want to mark it as such.

Subscriptions vs. No Subscription

You’re able to do a lot on the Hinge platform without paying for a subscription, including liking profiles, seeing likes, and messaging. This was an inviting aspect of the feature for some twenty-somethings I talked to who are still in school and not in the career/money-making phase of life. To me this also suggests that it’s a good app to try-on, and, if you have a good experience, it may be worth considering paying for a Hinge + subscription.

Hinge +

A Hinge + subscription comes with the additional perks of unlimited daily likes (a free subscription is limited to eight); the ability to see all of your incoming likes at the same time (rather than one by one); and advanced filtering preferences.

Paid Hinge subscriptions can be pricey, especially when you consider all of the features available for free, but you might find some of the additional perks worthwhile. If you’re interested in exploring expanded features, the current cost for a Hinge + subscription at the time of this writing is:

  • 1 month @ $10.49/week, around $45.74/month
  • 3 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or a total of about $91.43
  • 6 months @ $5.83/week, around $25.42/month, or a total of about $152.51

As you can see, the longer the subscription you pay for, the more money you save over time.

Hinge X

With a Hinge X subscription, you get all the perks of a Hinge + subscription as well as the additional features Enhanced Recommendations; Skip the Line; and Priority Likes.

Enhanced Recommendations brings potential matches who share more of your preferences to the top of your Discover.

Skip the Line is like a constant Boost.

Priority Likes keeps your profile at the top of recipients’ lists for seven days, working much like Roses. Because of the similarity to Roses, it seems like a rather pointless feature.

At the time of this writing, the cost of a Hinge X subscription is:

  • 1 week @ $24.99/week
  • 1 month @ $12.83/week, around $55.94/month
  • 3 months @$7.77/week, around $33.87/month, or about $99.99 total
  • 6 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or about $182.86 total

Hinge X features bear a lot of similarity to the features you already have access to in the free subscription and Hinge + subscription. A Hinge X subscription seems to be a poor value for the extra money.

Users’ Thoughts

When I asked people about their experience on Hinge, the responses were generally positive. For many, it was their preferred platform. Everyone I talked to was using the free subscription. Some of their thoughts:

Jaden, a twentysomething, met his girlfriend through Hinge and had several good things to say about the platform. When I asked if it was the platform he had the best experience on, he replied in the affirmative, saying, “Yes, it was the most interactive in a human way.”

Brad, who’s in his fifties, said that it seemed to have a “higher level of quality” than other platforms he’d used, and he definitely prefers it to Match.

Additional Information

Hinge does seem to be geared more toward younger users (Gen Z). An example of this leaning is that they’re an app-only platform.

Some users feel that Hinge isn’t what it used to be, that its quality is on the decline. It certainly isn’t the only dating platform that can be said about. Match used to be the king of dating apps, but they’ve abdicated that title. Customer Service in general seems to be on the decline–I had a frustrating experience trying to get help with a Microsoft issue the other day. Wouldn’t it be lovely if customer satisfaction was a priority? Any platform/company/corporation can choose to step it up any day. It’s a niche waiting to be claimed. If only.

It’s also of note that some users have filed a lawsuit accusing Hinge and Tinder of allowing serial rapists to remain on the apps, even after being reported. Per this, remember to properly vet potential matches; Google search them (make sure they are who they say they are; don’t put yourself in any precarious circumstances; and trust your gut. There are some bad people out there, be careful.

If you’re interested in a more thorough breakdown of the app, including details, tips, comparisons, and articles, VIDA Select has many resources.

Final Thoughts

Overall, Hinge stacks up nicely against its competitors and there are a lot of great accessible features even on the free subscription. With a tagline of “designed to be deleted,” I hope that if you use it, they live up to that claim.

If you have experience with Hinge and/or other platforms and would be willing to share your thoughts, please leave a comment below or contact me.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Oh so Cliché

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

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Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires Zooming Out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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The original date of this post is 2017. I’ve not only updated it, but in the meantime, my family has survived more blue holidays. On December 28, 2023, my ex, father to my children, died. The last day my boys saw their father alive was Christmas Day. Their father’s death will always color my boys’ holidays with a tint of blue.

Last year was my boys’ first Christmas without their father. My firstborn went to Hawaii with a friend and bandmate rather than suffer through the Christmas holiday at emotional Ground Zero. It was what he needed to do to get through the holiday. Conversely, my youngest wanted as much normalcy as possible. I accommodated and respected both of their needs. We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and be okay.

So, this post is for those of you feeling blue this season. I wish you the happiest holidays that you can manage.

Blue Holidays

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. 

A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas Day. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. One year, my boyfriend wanted to dine at the restaurant to be in proximity to me. He (naively?) came to dinner with a female “friend,” on Valentine’s Day, one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry, because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, acknowledging neither the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he became my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” inevitably turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then, there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. I prioritized myself and my needs, over tradition and social expectations.

What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they’re suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of Hope. We all need such Hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing; it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings, and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end, a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

P.S. I’ll be taking the next month off for the holidays. I’ll see you next year!

Up Next: Manage Your Relationship Expectations–Further Down the Road

Looking at Dating Profiles: Discerning Authenticity

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People reveal a lot about themselves in their dating profiles, and the more information they provide, the easier it is to get a sense of the kind of person they are. Profile Summaries are particularly helpful in this way. I’ve previously explored some general look-fors and what you can learn about someone from their communication style. Here, we’ll look at how you can discern someone’s authenticity (or lack of) from their Profile Summary.

If someone doesn’t have a Profile Summary at all, then be cautious. They may be too lazy to be bothered with one, their Profile may still be under construction, or it may be a fake profile. Watch out for the latter.

When reading a Profile Summary, be on the lookout for whether the person comes off as authentic, or conversely, if they come off as shallow, insincere, or phony (Here I don’t mean as a fake profile but as a personality flaw.). There are ways to discern authenticity, or a lack thereof, even in a Profile Summary.

Truths

A personal truth is something about a person where they’re inflexible and must be accepted by a potential match as they are. Truths can be a matter of personal preference (e.g., veganism, religion, sexual proclivity), a physical reality (e.g., disease, disability), or a situational reality (e.g., a custodial arrangement).

If a person is forthcoming about personal truths, it’s a sign of authenticity. They’re either strong in their truth, willing to be frank and straightforward, or courageous enough to be vulnerable. Their truth may be a turn-off or dealbreaker for you, but their honesty is commendable regardless.

Passions

Passions are those things which we find personally compelling, which make our lives more fulfilling, and which we couldn’t live without. Reading, sports, travel, and art are all examples of things that someone might be passionate about.

In my high school Humanities course, Dr. Cognard gave us an assignment to do a presentation on something we were passionate about, with the goal of evoking that feeling of passion in the rest of the class–in essence, to make our audience feel our passion. All those years ago, I did my presentation on Love itself. And here I am, still presenting on that topic.

I came across Timo’s profile several months ago. Timo lives off the grid on an acreage. Reading his profile, his enthusiasm and passion for nature was palpable. He would’ve nailed the Humanities assignment.

If someone communicates their passion in a compelling way, there’s sincerity in that. The source of their passion may not inspire you in the same way, but it’s a sign of authenticity.

Beware of the Peacock

Ideally, a Profile Summary gives you a sense of who someone is and what/who they’re looking for in a relationship. But sometimes, a profile reads as a sales pitch on how desirable they are to date. Perhaps they do have some great things going on, but if they don’t have quality of character to match their desirable qualities, no bueno.

Sometimes the bluster can be obvious, but sometimes it can be subtle, especially if there are aspects of the profile that you find desirable, such as the person’s lifestyle, accomplishments, or attractiveness. Read the tone of the profile to discern whether they come off as friendly and conversational or if they’re peacocking who they are in a showy way. There’s a shallowness in showiness, and a resulting lack of authenticity.

Depths vs. Shallows

Speaking of shallowness, if you’re looking for authentic connection, look beyond the shallow, the surface, and the small talk, to find someone with depth who sparks your interest. Depth of character is a sign of authenticity and can present itself in different ways.

Does a profile read like a gazillion other profiles, or is there something about it that stands out, that speaks to you? If you find a Profile Summary (versus pictures or biographical information) that touches you or compels you in some way, it can be an indication of authenticity.

If someone’s Profile Summary rises above the shallows of small talk, stands out, and engages you, ask yourself what it is about the summary that speaks to you. Do they strike you as reflective? Intellectual? Insightful? Do they have personality? A unique perspective? A good sense of humor? Do they have depths that you can dive into? If so, it might be time to go for a swim.

Disingenuousness

I’m not really sure what the motive is for people to be flagrantly disingenuous in their profile, but every once in a while I run across a profile where someone is openly disingenuous rather than straightforward about who they are.

Some examples…

Example 1: Pediatric ER doc with a God complex, narcissist, insecure, dishonest and emotionally unavailable, acquiring material possessions to compensate for a spiritual void. When asked to describe me friends say, “Seriously? I really don’t know you that well. Can’t you ask somebody else?”🤣😂

Example 2: Do you like yard work, cleaning house, cooking? Are you financially stable? Are you able to provide me with all the comforts I deserve? Can you drive a tractor? If so then maybe I just may allow you the honor of chatting with me. Ok I’m kidding LOL 

Example 3: Well, hmmm… I hate travel, hate laughing, …. just kidding. I like those things of course. 

Example 4: Extremely over weight (sic), bald, lazy, jobless, no sense of humor, mom has never liked me, i do posses (sic) a 4th grade reading level my most outstanding feature is that i am a complete train wreck in the bedroom.   Any takers? 

I really don’t understand the motivation for this approach. Do they think they’re being funny? Do they think it’s an effective way to appeal to potential matches? Or are they simply not thinking through their strategy at all? Regardless, they’re not coming from a place of authenticity, and they don’t deserve serious consideration.

Photos

In discerning authenticity in a profile, it would be remiss of me to not mention profile photographs. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of profiles with misleading photographs–filters, old photos, or an age/physical appearance mismatch.

The good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to discern when someone is being misleading with their photos, you just need to be on the lookout for such deception.

Things to keep in mind:

  • Do they have several photos (more than just 3 or 4) so that you can get a consistent idea of what they look like across place and time? If not, you have a right to wonder.
  • Does the photograph look filtered or altered in some way? If so, why?
  • Is it not actually a true photograph? Again, if so, why?
  • Do the photos look old? This can be discerned by whether the photo seems aged or the context (e.g., what people are wearing, hairstyles, the setting) of the photo.
  • Does their stated age seem to match the photos they’re sharing? For instance, if they say they’re 56 but they have a wattle-gobble throat, their age might be off by a decade or more.

It’s unfortunate that people are deceptive and misleading in their profile and photos, but if you look at profiles and photos with this in mind, you can frequently discern when someone’s authentic and when they’re being disingenuous.

Final Thoughts

Finding that right person and romantic connection is a challenge. And while there are dating profiles aplenty out there, discerning if the person behind the profile might be a good match requires using the information offered in the profile purposefully.

One look-for in a Profile Summary is whether a person reads as authentic. There’s plenty of people who are insincere, play games, put up a false-front, or have an agenda. That makes finding a person who’s authentic that much more precious. May you find an authentic connection who’s right for you.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Blue Holidays–When You Feel More OY than Joy

A Match.com Update: Fake Profiles

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Not long ago, I posted a review of the Match.com dating platform. This week, I had an experience that merits sharing, because it impacts my perception of the platform–a very sudden and prominent proliferation of fake profiles.

A Recap of Some Recent Problems

The past year has seen a decline in quality and service of Match.com, including issues such as:

  • Increasing difficulty in finding quality connections: I’m not sure if the database has shrunk significantly or if the machinations of the platform are simply doing a poorer job of providing ample quality potential matches.
  • Increasing technical difficulties: Including more frequent issues with loading the platform app and “profile not available” messages when a refresh will load the “not available” profile.
  • No longer honoring (my) geographic search criteria: I have a 1500 mile geographic dating radius, yet several weeks ago, Match stopped providing profiles beyond 300 miles in my Discover. To find profiles beyond 300 miles, I now have to use the Search tool.
  • Poor customer service: Likely this has to do with the lack of human factor.
    • When I complained to Match several weeks ago about them no longer honoring my geographic search criteria, I got a canned answer not matching my complaint and blaming me, suggesting I expand my search criteria. Ironic, when they’re the ones who limited me geographically.
    • A client of mine recently had a similar experience. He complained about the limited profiles he was seeing despite living in a major metropolitan area. Match essentially sent him the same response, suggesting he expand his criteria.
    • I grew up in a context where the customer was always right. While that may be an outdated notion, indiscriminately blaming the consumer and not addressing their concern is not a good look.
    • At this point, I assume that the failure to address the actual concerns posed by both myself and my client (and to give us the same canned answer) is due to a lack of a real human factor, and that the responses were from a bot or AI.

Despite these issues, to date, I’ve continued to subscribe to Match, because historically I’ve had a good experience with them, and I’ve made some quality connections through them. However…

A New Development

This week I had an experience that further degrades my perception of the current quality of Match as a platform.

Bots and fake profiles have been an issue for a long time, a problem which is not particular to Match. That said, this week the problem got NOTICEABLY worse on the Match platform.

Almost overnight, the profiles in my search were suddenly much better looking overall. I went from having to scroll for a while to find a profile photo that was reasonably attractive (someone I could potentially imagine being intimate with), to having multiple attractive options on screen at the same time. Men who were solid 7s and 8s on a scale of 10. They upped the attractive man mean. And the photos were attractive enough to get attention, without being so attractive as to arouse suspicion out of the gate.

Initially, this was a refreshing change of possibility, but upon further investigation, it’s a problematic development that ballooned in proportion the more I looked into it.

The Dominid Effect

I clicked on one of these profiles, “Dominid,” from Ohio. Dominid had three pictures in different contexts, all reasonably attractive. 55 years old. 5’11”–tall without being really tall. Widowed. Looking for a serious relationship. Not a lot of details and no Profile Summary. And such a peculiar name, Dominid. It’s like Dominic, but really leaning into his hominid-ness.

When I returned to my Search, I noticed that there were several other Dominids from around the country –South Carolina, New York, Maryland, California, etc. There were thirteen Dominids in all. Funny that. Funnier yet, that they were all 55; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had no Profile Summary. And they each had 3-4 different photos. The Dominids looked different from each other, but they all had the same stats.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that a lot of the other attractive profiles in my Search were also 55 years old. I clicked on some of these profiles, by different names this time. It turns out that many of them were also 5’11”; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had 3-4 photos in different contexts, but no Profile Summary.

I took the trouble to report the Dominids as a scam to Match, but the truth is, that I don’t know that Match didn’t create the profiles themselves. Clearly, they were fake profiles whether bots or AI-generated. I didn’t report men by other names, because I didn’t want to accidentally report someone who actually had those stats and was too lazy to write a Summary. It was also too much.

Our Reality

It’s a disappointing reality. People don’t have to be assholes, nor do corporations, yet so many opt for that reality.

What the motivation is behind creating the profiles and who created them, I don’t know. To scam the unsuspecting or to create the illusion of a large database of attractive romantic possibilities? Regardless, it’s frustrating, and I wanted y’all to know so you could be on the lookout. It’s a hard enough gig to find right connection without having to worry about deception and scams.

Also, while I’m looking at this from the female-seeking-male end of the spectrum, I have to assume that if it’s happening in my realm, it’s happening in other realms too.

Final Thoughts

This experience has reinforced my belief in how important a good Profile Summary is. A profile lacking a Summary is at best an example of someone who’s either too lazy or whose profile is still under construction. At worst, it’s a fake profile–a scam, a bot, or AI.

So, at this point, a profile sans Summary presents as somewhat suspicious. By weeding out profiles with no Profile Summary, you can insulate yourself from this at some level. And the more pictures on the profile, the better indication that the person is real.

Be careful, and good luck out there!

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

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Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

A Review of Dating Platforms: Match

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A reader recently asked for my assessment of different dating platforms. This is a very pertinent inquiry, and one not quickly answered to do the question justice. So, I embark on a series of posts over time to consider the strengths and weaknesses of different platforms: whether they have a niche or target audience; and what distinguishes them from other dating platforms. Let’s begin with a review of Match, the original platform of Match Group.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, then you’ve probably noticed that I reference the dating platform Match.com with some regularity. This is because it’s the platform I’ve used the longest and with the most success, though it has its drawbacks. Due to my familiarity with the platform, it makes sense to start here.

Beyond my own experience, I’ve done some research, looked at comments about different platforms, and inquired about other people’s experiences. If you have particular feedback (good, bad, or neutral) about a platform, I’d love to hear from you either in the comments section or through my Contact page.

Potential Matches

Quantity of Matches

A definite strength of Match is that it seems to have the largest database of users. The reader who submitted the question senses this as well, saying, “Match does seem to have the largest sheer number of subscribers…and the ability to view as many of them as you wish.”

Having a large database, of course, gives you more profiles to look through and a better opportunity to find a good match.

Quality of Matches

The name of the dating platform Match implies that the platform can provide or “match” you with a compatible romantic partner. I’ve personally had this experience. I’ve made several compelling connections over the years. I’ve also met many men who weren’t the right match, but who were interesting connections nevertheless.

A large database allows for more possibilities and a better chance at making that right connection. I’ve found that the profiles that Match directs me to generally fit my search preferences better than other platforms that I’ve tried.

For instance, among my dating preference criteria I include “graduate degree” for level of education, and the profiles that I’m directed to largely meet that criteria. That has not been my experience on other sites. And, if the profiles a dating platform directs me to don’t match my criteria, then the chances of me being interested or finding a match there are slim.

That said, I still go through plenty of profiles that don’t grab my attention before I find one that does (That’s where further discernment comes in.). But, since the profiles better meet my criteria than on other dating platforms, my odds of finding one who does are improved.

Not too long ago, there was a development that I found helpful. There was a tweak to the system that showed my profile to men who fit my dating parameters as part of their Discover. This means that men who fit my dating parameters started reaching out more to me. Thus, the onus wasn’t always on me to be the one reaching out to my preferred type.

Profile Structure

Like most dating platforms, users provide photos, basic personal information (e.g., profession, height, education, etc.), and a personal Summary. On the Match dating platform, the Summary takes the form of an open-ended essay. The Summary gives users the opportunity to reveal their personality or their limitations. Sometimes the limitations are in their character. Other times their limitations are in their ability to find words for who they are.

A nice feature that the Match platform provides is the ability to hide your profile. This comes in handy if you’re exploring a connection and want to hide your profile from others while you do so. Alternatively, it’s also helpful if you want to take a temporary break from dating without deleting your profile. By hiding your profile rather than disposing of it, it’s there to come back to if the connection doesn’t work out or you’re ready to jump back in the dating pool.

Navigating the Match Dating Platform

Platform Recommendations + Personal Agency

Match does a nice job of delivering daily profile recommendations that fit or approximate your dating preferences. Additionally, the platform allows for personal agency in searching for compatible matches beyond the profiles they select.

The Discover and Highlights features of Match are where they provide profiles to you. Discover is a function where they provide a finite number of daily potential matches for you to peruse. Historically, Discover has been my favorite feature as the profiles are right there for me and they reasonably match my preferences. However, over time, the number of daily profiles provided has shrunk. I used to get two hundred daily profiles (I counted once), now they deliver about fifty, tops.

The Highlights feature delivers additional profiles. These profiles match you on a particular quality: Standout Members, Shared Values, or Compatible Dating Intent. You have around twenty total at any given time. Each profile is in your Highlights for a week before falling off. The downside of Highlights is that if you’re taken with a profile, you can only send a Super Like. You get one Super Like per week with a Premium subscription. Beyond that, you have to spend money to buy more Super Likes. A little bit of a racket that, but more to that point later.

The personal agency comes into play with the Search feature. If you’ve blown through your Discover profiles and the Highlight feature isn’t doing it for you, then try Search. You can input your dating preferences and have a plentitude of options (depending on how narrow or broad your preferences are) to scroll through. And, you can save searches to revisit later. I date long distance and currently have saved searches for both the west coast and the east coast that I check on occasion.

Interactions with Potential Matches on the Match Platform

Interactions take the form of Likes (You can like a profile or a particular photo.); Super Likes; and Messages. Once both parties have interacted in some form, you are a “Match“. At that point, your interactions are moved to the Match tab where all of your Match interactions are housed.

After a while, Matches who you’re no longer interacting with are archived, though the more recently archived ones can still be viewed.

You can also put your profile in Private Mode if you want to control who sees your profile. Private Mode only allows people who you’ve interacted with to see your profile. Doing this gives you more agency over your experience, but it also puts all of the onus on you to discover new connections.

The App

In the past year, Match has updated how the app works. There’s a walk-through tutorial about how to use the update and what swiping one way or another means (left=no; right=yes). However, the app is highly sensitive. More than once when I was intending to scroll down to look at a profile, I accidentally “liked” a profile. That’s problematic, as there’s no way to “unlike” a profile.

This has left me in the position of either letting the like stand, welcoming an interaction I wasn’t intentionally inviting, or blocking the person to negate the like. Not so user-friendly.

The current incarnation of the app is overly touchy, so touch with caution!

Quality of the Service

Performance Review of the Match Platform

In the last few years, I’ve noticed more technical difficulties with the Match dating platform. Sometimes this looks like Discover profiles not loading properly even though I haven’t gone through my daily selection. Other times I’ve gotten a message “something went wrong” and need to refresh the site.

The technical difficulties got worse when Jay Shetty came on as a relationship advisor last year. I assume this is because they retooled the site when Match brought him on. At that time, the platform stopped loading the Discover feature reliably, so I was paying for a service that I largely wasn’t able to use. Jay seems to be gone now, but while the technical difficulties have improved somewhat, they still persist.

Recently, I noticed that despite my dating radius of 1500 miles, Discover was only recommending profiles within 300 miles. This limitation really annoys me. I’m not receiving the expansive geographical profiles that I’m requesting. I’ve contacted Customer Service, but they failed to resolve the issue satisfactorily, instead initially suggesting I should expand my preferences…really? Expand beyond 1500 miles?

Incidentally, the quality of Match’s performance has declined as the number of related services (e.g., OurTime, okCupid, etc.) provided by Match Group (and their promotion of them) has increased. They’ll even have pop-ups for these services while I’m trying to access the declining service that I’m already paying for.

This performance decline is much in the same way that Facebook’s quality declined with the expansion of Meta and its services (e.g., Instagram). I don’t enjoy Facebook as much as I used to, because I’m not seeing what I want to see (My friends!). And I’m not enjoying my experience on Match as much as I used to either.

Match Customer Service Review

I’ve had mixed experience with Match Customer Service. Years ago, I wanted to expand my dating radius to 1500 miles but could only manually change it to 999. I called Match Customer Service, and they were very helpful, changing it to 1500 miles for me.

Another time when I emailed due to technical issues with their site, they told me to expand my search. In essence, they were blaming me for the problem and giving me an unrelated canned answer. I followed up with an email telling them that my search was already expanded to 1500 miles and that I have a dating blog. They fixed the issue.

My most recent issue was when my Discover radius was narrowed to 300 miles rather than the 1500 mile geographic radius that I have set. When I contacted them about the issue, they suggested I expand my preferences. How ironic–they narrowed my search, but suggested that I expand it.

The days of the customer being right are long gone. Match, like so many other corporations these days, seems quick to suggest the customer needs to do something better. It’s frustrating and infuriating. I went a few rounds with Match Customer Service until someone actually addressed my complaint rather than giving me a canned answer, but the issue was never resolved.

These days, Match doesn’t have an easily accessible phone number. Like so many other user-unfriendly corporate models, they don’t seem to allow their customers ready access to a real human being on their end. The current experience flagrantly prioritizes money over customer care. The irony of this is that they’re in the personal relationship business, yet their customer service is currently very hands-off and impersonal.

Money, Money, Money

They say that money makes the world go around, and whoever they is/are, they nailed this one.

As I already mentioned, Customer Service has declined while the Match Group has simultaneously expanded their ventures. Rather than give me excellent service on Match, the service I regularly pay for, my experience has declined (e.g., less daily Discover profiles, not honoring my geographic search, more technical issues). Meanwhile, I get pop-up ads inviting me to try their other platforms (e.g., Plenty of Fish) from Match Group. What I want is a quality experience on the platform I’m already paying for.

At the same time, a Match dating platform subscription has become more expensive with more tiers and more add-ons. And while they’ve become more expensive, the service and the number of daily Discovers have declined. Additionally, there are less discounted offers and coupons readily available. However, among the more popular dating apps, its price is comparable. Also, it doesn’t make sense to use the Match platform without buying a subscription as its functionality is severely limited.

If you do subscribe to Match, the longer the subscription, the better the value. That said, even though a subscription is priced per month, you pay for the subscription in full when you subscribe or renew. If you “cancel” your subscription, they’ll usually offer you a discounted price to stay on.

You can buy a subscription for one, three, six, or twelve months. I usually do the six month option at this point, and I subscribe at the Platinum level so I can use the features without excessive limitations.

Are You a Match for Match?

As the Match dating platform performs best with a paid subscription, its subscriber base tends to be older than younger. Many twentysomethings can’t afford a subscription. Most of Match’s users are between 30-49 with the age range of 50 + as their fastest growing subscriber population. This last tidbit may have something to do with some of us who originally subscribed in our forties are now in our fifties? Life happens and time keeps moving.

Match has traditionally been long-distance friendly, but as of late, they haven’t been honoring my long-distance geographic radius. You’re able to set the radius for how far away you are comfortable with dating. Whether they honor it over 300 miles is another thing. Maybe that will shift the next time they play with the algorithm. They regularly tweak the algorithm.

Other than that, it’s got a fairly general subscriber base, not niche. And, while Match is a good place to look for a serious relationship, people are there looking for a variety of things. There’s even a place where you can identify your dating intent: Just See Who’s Out There; Date, but Nothing Serious; Start a Serious Relationship; Don’t Know Yet, or No Answer. I’ve even seen people looking for polyamorous situations.

Other User’s Thoughts

In addition to our inquirer’s input above, he also mentioned that there seem to be “a bunch whose accounts are long-dormant, which is super annoying.” Agreed. If there’s an upside to this, maybe they found someone successfully on platform and forgot to hide their profile?

My friend Chris is more critical of the platform than either our reader or myself. When I asked for his opinion, he said that it seemed like there were a lot of bots on the platform. Further, he said that it felt like a grift, like they were just trying to get money. To his mind, the Match dating platform didn’t feel legit. As I mentioned before, there’s definitely a corporate money angle to the platform. Clearly, Chris senses that. He gives Match a poor review.

However, my sense is not that Match isn’t legit, but rather that it’s performance for the user is limited by the heavy lean into corporate profit. I’ve had the experience of making some compelling connections (real men not bots). I’ve also met some interesting men through the Match platform who weren’t my “match” but who I enjoyed connecting with nevertheless. So, to that end, I see it as a relevant dating platform.

While Chris’s experience of Match is a contrast to mine, his point-of-view and experience are both valid and relevant. Different people have different experiences. The more information you have about the range of experiences something offers, the more you’re able to discern a thing. In this case, I hope you’re better able to discern the Match dating platform for what it is, and whether it’s a match for you.

Final Thoughts

Match has been my preferred dating platform to date, though lately I’ve found it disappointing. It’s certainly the platform that I’ve made the most compelling connections on. The quality of Match’s service has declined over the years, while simultaneously becoming more expensive, but, I haven’t found a platform I like better–yet.

If you’d like a thorough breakdown of the services that Match provides, check out the VIDA Select site. And if you have experience with Match or another dating platform and would be willing to share your thoughts, please comment below or send me a message on my Contact page. I’d love to know your thoughts on Match and other platforms.

My hope is that this post has given you some insight into both the strengths and shortcomings of Match as a dating platform. Regardless of what dating platform you are or aren’t using, good luck out there!

An Update: A Proliferation of Fake Profiles

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Information & Summary Look-fors