Dating

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

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Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires Zooming Out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

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Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

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Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

A Review of Dating Platforms: Match

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A reader recently asked for my assessment of different dating platforms. This is a very pertinent inquiry, and one not quickly answered to do the question justice. So, I embark on a series of posts over time to consider the strengths and weaknesses of different platforms: whether they have a niche or target audience; and what distinguishes them from other dating platforms. Let’s begin with a review of Match, the original platform of Match Group.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, then you’ve probably noticed that I reference the dating platform Match.com with some regularity. This is because it’s the platform I’ve used the longest and with the most success, though it has its drawbacks. Due to my familiarity with the platform, it makes sense to start here.

Beyond my own experience, I’ve done some research, looked at comments about different platforms, and inquired about other people’s experiences. If you have particular feedback (good, bad, or neutral) about a platform, I’d love to hear from you either in the comments section or through my Contact page.

Potential Matches

Quantity of Matches

A definite strength of Match is that it seems to have the largest database of users. The reader who submitted the question senses this as well, saying, “Match does seem to have the largest sheer number of subscribers…and the ability to view as many of them as you wish.”

Having a large database, of course, gives you more profiles to look through and a better opportunity to find a good match.

Quality of Matches

The name of the dating platform Match implies that the platform can provide or “match” you with a compatible romantic partner. I’ve personally had this experience. I’ve made several compelling connections over the years. I’ve also met many men who weren’t the right match, but who were interesting connections nevertheless.

A large database allows for more possibilities and a better chance at making that right connection. I’ve found that the profiles that Match directs me to generally fit my search preferences better than other platforms that I’ve tried.

For instance, among my dating preference criteria I include “graduate degree” for level of education, and the profiles that I’m directed to largely meet that criteria. That has not been my experience on other sites. And, if the profiles a dating platform directs me to don’t match my criteria, then the chances of me being interested or finding a match there are slim.

That said, I still go through plenty of profiles that don’t grab my attention before I find one that does (That’s where further discernment comes in.). But, since the profiles better meet my criteria than on other dating platforms, my odds of finding one who does are improved.

Not too long ago, there was a development that I found helpful. There was a tweak to the system that showed my profile to men who fit my dating parameters as part of their Discover. This means that men who fit my dating parameters started reaching out more to me. Thus, the onus wasn’t always on me to be the one reaching out to my preferred type.

Profile Structure

Like most dating platforms, users provide photos, basic personal information (e.g., profession, height, education, etc.), and a personal Summary. On the Match dating platform, the Summary takes the form of an open-ended essay. The Summary gives users the opportunity to reveal their personality or their limitations. Sometimes the limitations are in their character. Other times their limitations are in their ability to find words for who they are.

A nice feature that the Match platform provides is the ability to hide your profile. This comes in handy if you’re exploring a connection and want to hide your profile from others while you do so. Alternatively, it’s also helpful if you want to take a temporary break from dating without deleting your profile. By hiding your profile rather than disposing of it, it’s there to come back to if the connection doesn’t work out or you’re ready to jump back in the dating pool.

Navigating the Match Dating Platform

Platform Recommendations + Personal Agency

Match does a nice job of delivering daily profile recommendations that fit or approximate your dating preferences. Additionally, the platform allows for personal agency in searching for compatible matches beyond the profiles they select.

The Discover and Highlights features of Match are where they provide profiles to you. Discover is a function where they provide a finite number of daily potential matches for you to peruse. Historically, Discover has been my favorite feature as the profiles are right there for me and they reasonably match my preferences. However, over time, the number of daily profiles provided has shrunk. I used to get two hundred daily profiles (I counted once), now they deliver about fifty, tops.

The Highlights feature delivers additional profiles. These profiles match you on a particular quality: Standout Members, Shared Values, or Compatible Dating Intent. You have around twenty total at any given time. Each profile is in your Highlights for a week before falling off. The downside of Highlights is that if you’re taken with a profile, you can only send a Super Like. You get one Super Like per week with a Premium subscription. Beyond that, you have to spend money to buy more Super Likes. A little bit of a racket that, but more to that point later.

The personal agency comes into play with the Search feature. If you’ve blown through your Discover profiles and the Highlight feature isn’t doing it for you, then try Search. You can input your dating preferences and have a plentitude of options (depending on how narrow or broad your preferences are) to scroll through. And, you can save searches to revisit later. I date long distance and currently have saved searches for both the west coast and the east coast that I check on occasion.

Interactions with Potential Matches on the Match Platform

Interactions take the form of Likes (You can like a profile or a particular photo.); Super Likes; and Messages. Once both parties have interacted in some form, you are a “Match“. At that point, your interactions are moved to the Match tab where all of your Match interactions are housed.

After a while, Matches who you’re no longer interacting with are archived, though the more recently archived ones can still be viewed.

You can also put your profile in Private Mode if you want to control who sees your profile. Private Mode only allows people who you’ve interacted with to see your profile. Doing this gives you more agency over your experience, but it also puts all of the onus on you to discover new connections.

The App

In the past year, Match has updated how the app works. There’s a walk-through tutorial about how to use the update and what swiping one way or another means (left=no; right=yes). However, the app is highly sensitive. More than once when I was intending to scroll down to look at a profile, I accidentally “liked” a profile. That’s problematic, as there’s no way to “unlike” a profile.

This has left me in the position of either letting the like stand, welcoming an interaction I wasn’t intentionally inviting, or blocking the person to negate the like. Not so user-friendly.

The current incarnation of the app is overly touchy, so touch with caution!

Quality of the Service

Performance Review of the Match Platform

In the last few years, I’ve noticed more technical difficulties with the Match dating platform. Sometimes this looks like Discover profiles not loading properly even though I haven’t gone through my daily selection. Other times I’ve gotten a message “something went wrong” and need to refresh the site.

The technical difficulties got worse when Jay Shetty came on as a relationship advisor last year. I assume this is because they retooled the site when Match brought him on. At that time, the platform stopped loading the Discover feature reliably, so I was paying for a service that I largely wasn’t able to use. Jay seems to be gone now, but while the technical difficulties have improved somewhat, they still persist.

Recently, I noticed that despite my dating radius of 1500 miles, Discover was only recommending profiles within 300 miles. This limitation really annoys me. I’m not receiving the expansive geographical profiles that I’m requesting. I’ve contacted Customer Service, but they failed to resolve the issue satisfactorily, instead initially suggesting I should expand my preferences…really? Expand beyond 1500 miles?

Incidentally, the quality of Match’s performance has declined as the number of related services (e.g., OurTime, okCupid, etc.) provided by Match Group (and their promotion of them) has increased. They’ll even have pop-ups for these services while I’m trying to access the declining service that I’m already paying for.

This performance decline is much in the same way that Facebook’s quality declined with the expansion of Meta and its services (e.g., Instagram). I don’t enjoy Facebook as much as I used to, because I’m not seeing what I want to see (My friends!). And I’m not enjoying my experience on Match as much as I used to either.

Match Customer Service Review

I’ve had mixed experience with Match Customer Service. Years ago, I wanted to expand my dating radius to 1500 miles but could only manually change it to 999. I called Match Customer Service, and they were very helpful, changing it to 1500 miles for me.

Another time when I emailed due to technical issues with their site, they told me to expand my search. In essence, they were blaming me for the problem and giving me an unrelated canned answer. I followed up with an email telling them that my search was already expanded to 1500 miles and that I have a dating blog. They fixed the issue.

My most recent issue was when my Discover radius was narrowed to 300 miles rather than the 1500 mile geographic radius that I have set. When I contacted them about the issue, they suggested I expand my preferences. How ironic–they narrowed my search, but suggested that I expand it.

The days of the customer being right are long gone. Match, like so many other corporations these days, seems quick to suggest the customer needs to do something better. It’s frustrating and infuriating. I went a few rounds with Match Customer Service until someone actually addressed my complaint rather than giving me a canned answer, but the issue was never resolved.

These days, Match doesn’t have an easily accessible phone number. Like so many other user-unfriendly corporate models, they don’t seem to allow their customers ready access to a real human being on their end. The current experience flagrantly prioritizes money over customer care. The irony of this is that they’re in the personal relationship business, yet their customer service is currently very hands-off and impersonal.

Money, Money, Money

They say that money makes the world go around, and whoever they is/are, they nailed this one.

As I already mentioned, Customer Service has declined while the Match Group has simultaneously expanded their ventures. Rather than give me excellent service on Match, the service I regularly pay for, my experience has declined (e.g., less daily Discover profiles, not honoring my geographic search, more technical issues). Meanwhile, I get pop-up ads inviting me to try their other platforms (e.g., Plenty of Fish) from Match Group. What I want is a quality experience on the platform I’m already paying for.

At the same time, a Match dating platform subscription has become more expensive with more tiers and more add-ons. And while they’ve become more expensive, the service and the number of daily Discovers have declined. Additionally, there are less discounted offers and coupons readily available. However, among the more popular dating apps, its price is comparable. Also, it doesn’t make sense to use the Match platform without buying a subscription as its functionality is severely limited.

If you do subscribe to Match, the longer the subscription, the better the value. That said, even though a subscription is priced per month, you pay for the subscription in full when you subscribe or renew. If you “cancel” your subscription, they’ll usually offer you a discounted price to stay on.

You can buy a subscription for one, three, six, or twelve months. I usually do the six month option at this point, and I subscribe at the Platinum level so I can use the features without excessive limitations.

Are You a Match for Match?

As the Match dating platform performs best with a paid subscription, its subscriber base tends to be older than younger. Many twentysomethings can’t afford a subscription. Most of Match’s users are between 30-49 with the age range of 50 + as their fastest growing subscriber population. This last tidbit may have something to do with some of us who originally subscribed in our forties are now in our fifties? Life happens and time keeps moving.

Match has traditionally been long-distance friendly, but as of late, they haven’t been honoring my long-distance geographic radius. You’re able to set the radius for how far away you are comfortable with dating. Whether they honor it over 300 miles is another thing. Maybe that will shift the next time they play with the algorithm. They regularly tweak the algorithm.

Other than that, it’s got a fairly general subscriber base, not niche. And, while Match is a good place to look for a serious relationship, people are there looking for a variety of things. There’s even a place where you can identify your dating intent: Just See Who’s Out There; Date, but Nothing Serious; Start a Serious Relationship; Don’t Know Yet, or No Answer. I’ve even seen people looking for polyamorous situations.

Other User’s Thoughts

In addition to our inquirer’s input above, he also mentioned that there seem to be “a bunch whose accounts are long-dormant, which is super annoying.” Agreed. If there’s an upside to this, maybe they found someone successfully on platform and forgot to hide their profile?

My friend Chris is more critical of the platform than either our reader or myself. When I asked for his opinion, he said that it seemed like there were a lot of bots on the platform. Further, he said that it felt like a grift, like they were just trying to get money. To his mind, the Match dating platform didn’t feel legit. As I mentioned before, there’s definitely a corporate money angle to the platform. Clearly, Chris senses that. He gives Match a poor review.

However, my sense is not that Match isn’t legit, but rather that it’s performance for the user is limited by the heavy lean into corporate profit. I’ve had the experience of making some compelling connections (real men not bots). I’ve also met some interesting men through the Match platform who weren’t my “match” but who I enjoyed connecting with nevertheless. So, to that end, I see it as a relevant dating platform.

While Chris’s experience of Match is a contrast to mine, his point-of-view and experience are both valid and relevant. Different people have different experiences. The more information you have about the range of experiences something offers, the more you’re able to discern a thing. In this case, I hope you’re better able to discern the Match dating platform for what it is, and whether it’s a match for you.

Final Thoughts

Match has been my preferred dating platform to date, though lately I’ve found it disappointing. It’s certainly the platform that I’ve made the most compelling connections on. The quality of Match’s service has declined over the years, while simultaneously becoming more expensive, but, I haven’t found a platform I like better–yet.

If you’d like a thorough breakdown of the services that Match provides, check out the VIDA Select site. And if you have experience with Match or another dating platform and would be willing to share your thoughts, please comment below or send me a message on my Contact page. I’d love to know your thoughts on Match and other platforms.

My hope is that this post has given you some insight into both the strengths and shortcomings of Match as a dating platform. Regardless of what dating platform you are or aren’t using, good luck out there!

An Update: A Proliferation of Fake Profiles

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Information & Summary Look-fors

Any Day can be The Day

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September 3, 2025: I’m reposting this on the heels of the anniversary of the day I needed to disrupt my status quo. I do so as encouragement to any of you that feel the need to disrupt your life and initiate change. You don’t have to wait for a new year. Any day that you need change can be the day you change your life. I now live beyond volumes, not bound by them.

I typically write posts several weeks out, and I write this straddling the cusp of the New Year. The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, not just the turning of the calendar page, but a new calendar altogether. And yet, I’m wary of New Year’s resolutions. Often, they seem to lack any real resolve, made because it seems to be the thing to do, thus becoming throw-away intentions that fade quickly. The reality is that we can make a revolution in our lives any day of the year; we don’t have to hinge it on an all-or-nothing one-shot opportunity that comes with a New Year.

Feeling Stuck

Back in September, I felt stuck. There were some things in my life that I wasn’t quite able to break free from, resulting in feelings of frustration and melancholy. Unwilling to accept stuck as my reality, I decided I needed to shake things up somehow, to manifest some kind of shift in my life.

I see my post-divorce life in volumes, mostly because my manuscript is Volume 1, yet my story didn’t end there; I continue to live it. Each volume’s been composed of different themes and lessons of life, love, self, and relationship. The volumes each represents a molting where as I evolve, I occasionally outgrow and shed the volume I’m in.

Volume 4 began with David. With him, I thought I’d finally found my Promised Man. Our connection was strong and immediate, yet, more than once, he’s retreated behind a wall of silence. What I thought was going to be a volume about Love and Relationship wound up being a volume about Resilience–about surviving the aftermath of our relationship and carrying on. Eventually, I started dating again and even made some other compelling connections, but none of them fully manifested in a romantic partnership.

Romantically, Volume 4 felt like the Universe was playing a nasty game of tease with me, like a cat toying with a mouse. A game of Wait (for connection), Hope, (that maybe this time it will work out), then Upset (that once again it didn’t). My romantic life felt like a ridiculously cruel joke, but I persisted–what else was I to do? Until, I decided to do something else.

Getting to Something Else

On September 2nd, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5. I had no clear marker delineating that I was in a new volume, only the psychic need for a new volume and to feel that things in my life could be different.

Casting back for rationale, I was able to pinpoint that my life was in a transitional phase and new things were happening–I had a renewed focus on my blog; my firstborn had moved to Boston for school; my youngest had graduated and was starting college. Their lives were entering new phases, and therefore mine was too.

I determined some guiding themes for Volume 5–Manifest (in the way I want); Liberate (myself from feeling stuck); and My Terms (a proactive stance, rather than feeling like I had limited control in my life). By getting into a new headspace, hopefully I could shift my life in the direction I wanted, and get myself unstuck.

Unfortunately, Volume 5 didn’t start smoothly. Within a few days of declaring Volume 5 and trying to maneuver into a better headspace, I became the recipient of unwanted and obsessive attention–I had an electronic stalker. That was unnerving enough, but I wasn’t certain how long his attention would be limited to the digital world.

I was rightfully concerned, but I was also mad. Life is hard enough, what right had he to intrude into my life uninvited? I contacted the police. Trying to reconcile this event with my attempt at a new and improved volume, I realized that while the event was undesirable and unwelcome, I took pride in how I handled it.

I handled it on My Terms. Though it was upsetting, I remained rational, reasonable, and gave it as much energy as I needed to and as little as possible. I didn’t allow it to control my experience nor my mindset. While it would’ve been easy to visit paranoia, I refrained from doing so. Eventually, after a visit from the police, my stalker desisted. We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them?

When Unwelcome Events Happen

On December 23rd, I heard a story on NPR about a tradition that Scott Detrow does with his friends each New Year–The Potato Drop. On a potato, they write with a sharpie things from the past year that they want to say goodbye to, then toss the potato out the back door at midnight.

Growing the tradition, they also get a sweet potato for writing things they want to hold onto or welcome into their life in the coming year. I love this. It’s not a resolution, but an acknowledgement of gratitude and an invitation to new possibilities. What a tangible way to be intentional about what you want to let go of that isn’t working in your life, and verbalize what you want to manifest in your life. I added potatoes to my grocery list.

On the night of December 28th, state troopers came to my door. This is not a welcome event. It’s psychically disruptive and discombobulating. My boys and I were informed that my ex, their father, had died in a car collision. Our world changed as quickly as the expressions on my sons’ faces.

We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them? The wound of my ex’s death is still fresh, but the scar of my sons’ grief will walk with them always. How will they walk with it? Despite their heartbreak, they’re bearing the tragedy with grace and maturity. How can I support them in walking this journey? Somehow, we’ll adapt to our new reality. We can’t change the reality of our situation, so on what terms will we meet it?

Meeting Our Reality on Our Terms

On New Year’s Eve, we did the Potato Drop–we certainly had plenty we wanted to let go of, but we also have things we want to cherish and hold onto, as well as other things we want to welcome into our new reality. How will we shape our new lives? And now, as I finish writing this on the other side of the New Year, I think I must be in Volume 6. Or maybe I’ve even broken Beyond the volumes? Liberated from the confines of a tome.

Volume 5 was full of transitions, both good and bad. Let’s see how those transitions manifest and what additional ones await. The unknown of my Beyond and 2024 is unwritten and full of possibility. What will I make of it? And what will you make of yours? What possibility or person do you want to welcome into your life? And what do you want to manifest that you aren’t already?

Claim the Day

If you didn’t make a New Year’s resolution or you’ve already unresolved, it doesn’t matter. In the Potato Drop story, Scott Detrow tells how over the years they’ve expanded their tradition, continuing to evolve it, including doing a Potato Drop at a friend’s wedding, not just at the transition of one year to the next.

Any day can be the day for a transition. You can change up and revolutionize your life any day of the year, be it January 1st, September 2nd, or any of the other 363 days of the year. You could even do it on February 29 of a leap year! Any day can be the day. And any day can be your day, even today. All you need to do is claim your day.

Final Thoughts

May you find the change, possibility, and person you seek this year, and if anything unwelcome comes your way, may you find the strength to meet it on your terms. Carpe Diem, and good luck out there!

Manage Your Expectations: In the Beginning…

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That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

Up Next: Any Day Can Be the Day

Relationship Mistakes: Apply What You’ve Learned

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We all have lived experience, some of it good, and unavoidably, some bad. This experience–what happens to us, what we make happen, and how we respond to what happens–helps inform who we are and how we grow (or fail to) as individuals. Ideally, we evolve and become better versions of ourselves, having learned some lessons from our lived experience, including relationships and relationship mistakes.

Most of us have made our share of relationship mistakes. To do better going forward, it’s important to learn from those mistakes, then be intentional about applying what you’ve learned.

Lessons Learned

At this point, hopefully you’ve learned some lessons from your dating and relationship history to help guide you in your dating experience. Myself, I’ve learned enough to fill a (literal) manuscript. I also have notes aplenty for manuscripts yet-to-be.

If you haven’t been intentional about learning from your relationship history, it’s worth taking time to reflect on this. What were some relationship issues from your past? Do you have any relationship mistakes that haunt you? Relationship regrets? Relationship mistakes might include actions and behaviors of yours; your choice of a romantic partner who was a poor fit; or the problematic behavior of a former partner.

If nothing easily comes to mind, do a Relationship Autopsy (per my last post) to dig down and really identify past issues, so that you can avoid repeating them.

If you’re intentional about learning from your relationship history, this can also help you identify your Relationship Values, elements that are crucial to your ability to thrive in relationship. It can also help you recognize any patterns of behavior that you want to replace in yourself or, conversely, avoid in a partner.

In this post, we’ll focus on applying the lessons we’ve learned from our dating-relationship history.

Be Aware: Recognizing Your Mistakes and Theirs

To apply the lessons you’ve learned from relationship mistakes, it’s necessary to bring an awareness–an objective eye–to your experience in real time. If you’re able to Zoom Out effectively, you can watch your own behavior, as well as the behavior of any potential romantic partners.

With that watchfulness, you want to be on the lookout for any of your past behaviors/choices that you want to interrupt or any behaviors from matches that are problematic. Of course, you’ll also want to pay attention any positive or attractive behaviors and chemistry as well–this is what we’re ultimately after.

Self-Awareness

Start with yourself. We carry our histories with us, but in each moment we have the opportunity to choose who we are anew and where we want to go. To put the best version of ourselves out there, first we must have a strong self-awareness–recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, inclinations, and patterns of behavior.

Acknowledge your shortcomings, both past and present, in relationships so that you can address those behaviors and tendencies going forward. If you identify areas that you still need to work on, zoom out and ask yourself why you engage in that behavior or have that tendency. What feeling is behind it? How does that behavior serve you?

For instance, if you recognize that you’re prone to being defensive, ask yourself why. Usually defensiveness is a shield for insecurities, either presuming that someone’s on the attack or a deflective denial of any wrongdoing.

Whatever negative behavior you recognize, dig down and get to the bottom of why you’re manifesting this behavior and what you can do to interrupt it. In the example of defensiveness, you might ask yourself: What am I insecure about? Why? Have I had this behavior modeled for me(e.g., from a parent)? What can I do to build my confidence? How can I interact in a more prosocial way?

Tweak the questions to suit whatever behavior pattern you’re trying to interrupt, so that you can truly understand the Why behind the pattern of behavior. Then, practice a replacement behavior. When doing so, think, “Fake it till you make it.” Practice is the ‘Fake It’ part, until you internalize the new behavior mindset.

In our example, let’s say that you realize your defensive behavior is because your father’s always been hypercritical of you, so you’re constantly on guard expecting criticism. To practice a replacement behavior, try to catch yourself feeling, behaving, or talking in a defensive manner and truth it out–Is this person really saying something that’s critical of me or am I assuming that’s their intent? If it is critical, then listen to them and honestly consider whether what they say is valid.

Additionally, you can write/repeat any mantras and self-messaging that you want to internalize and practice. In our example, that could look like, “Don’t assume that everyone’s on the attack.” To work on any insecurities, maybe something along the lines of, “I’m worthy” or “I’m doing fine.” If you deflect any criticism, perhaps “Listen instead of deflect.” An appropriate mantra will depend on what the motivation behind the behavior is.

By knowing any personal foibles, you can be on the lookout for them, catch yourself in real time, and practice the replacement behavior. This practice will help you put the best version of yourself out there, which will make you feel more confident and help you attract better matches. If you’re already mindful of doing the work to be the most evolved version of yourself at any point in time, then well done!

Now, let’s consider what you’ve learned about behaviors of former romantic partners…

Pay Attention: Be on the Lookout for Potential Mistakes

People are always giving us information through their words and behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to this information so that we can see them for who they are. There are probably some behaviors of former romantic partners that you found problematic. Keeping in mind that we’re all imperfect, determine what behaviors you can live with and which are dealbreakers.

Red Flags: Avoiding Problematic Partners

Once you’ve identified behaviors of former partners that were problematic for you, be on the lookout for those behaviors with potential matches. For instance, when my ex and I disagreed about something, he was frequently condescending and dismissive of my point of view, devaluing me. As a result, I’ve developed a very acute radar for when a man mistreats or behaves in a disrespectful manner to me.

Last year, I went on a date with P and on another date with R. There were a lot of things I liked about both of them, however, on each date I recognized condescending behaviors on their part.

P had a tendency to mansplain. R’s problematic behaviors were twofold–he made assumptions about me rather than listening to me and he was very aggressive about his point of view. P’s approach was gentler, but it was still condescending.

The thing is, while I recognized their behaviors for what they were, it still took me some time to process the dynamics of our interactions. I went into both dates hopeful, but I had some misgivings on the dates themselves that gave me pause. When you have misgivings or pause about an interaction, a behavior, or a relationship dynamic, pay attention–that’s a red flag that you are raising and waving at yourself.

Heed the flag and examine the behavior that you noticed. I liked both men enough that their behavior was unexpected and caught me off-guard. Despite hours on the phone, I hadn’t experienced either the condescension or verbal aggressiveness prior to meeting them. They were showing me who they are, but it was a side of them I hadn’t witnessed before.

I had to remember where I’d been and the lessons that I’d already learned and knew so well, then apply that knowledge to the current situation. It wasn’t an immediate recognition of the behavior with neon lights screaming at me, “NO GO!” Rather, it was a confusion, a subtle wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?” It was a not liking how it felt, then a further examination of my misgivings. Pay attention to those disquieting moments; they’re tells.

Green Lights: Watch for Good Signals

On the flipside, while you’re on the lookout for any problem behaviors, also pay attention and notice any attractive behaviors. Do they treat you well? Are they affirming of who you are? Do you feel seen and heard? Are you at ease with them? These are signs of someone who could potentially be a good partner.

Further, if you recognize attractive and positive behaviors, share that with the person–affirm their positive behavior and make them feel appreciated. Feeding the connection with positive reinforcement will nurture the connection and feel good for both of you. Kindness feels good, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. And if the chemistry is good, positive affirmation can also provide some momentum to the connection.

All Systems Go: No Serious Mistakes Detected

We all have histories. To be ready for right relationship, we need to learn and evolve from our histories rather than let the baggage from our history burden us and the potential of future relationships. And, we deserve romantic partners who do the same.

If you’re actively engaged in being the most evolved version of yourself that you can be and you don’t see any behaviors that are red flags or dealbreakers from your potential partner, then have fun exploring and enjoying the connection for whatever it can be!

Final Thoughts

We are our histories, but we can use our histories productively, learning from our relationship mistakes rather than being limited by them. With an awareness of our histories and an eye on where we are, we’re empowered to live better, make better choices, and have better relationship(s). Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Photographs

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

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Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, Zoom Out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned

Relationship Values: Fun

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Recently, a romantic connection that seemed to have potential didn’t work out. He was a great guy with a lot of qualities that I find attractive, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t right. Something about our Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me.

When discerning the viability of a romantic connection, I pay close attention to learning both the man, as well as our Relationship Dynamic–the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. And, when a romantic connection or relationship doesn’t work out, I perform a Relationship Autopsy (more on this in my next post), analyzing what aspects of the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work, so I can use that knowledge to better inform my discernment of future connections and refine my search appropriately.

Over time, the autopsying of relationships and their dynamics has led me to recognize some Relationship Values that I hold, qualities that I need for the Relationship Dynamic to be successful. In autopsying the failure of this recent connection, I realized a new Relationship Value—Fun. And, while this wasn’t the only reason the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me, it was a significant one.

Fun

Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, defines ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states–Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). I love this definition. Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive; Fun is attentive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve often adventured solo in my life, for lack of a companion, because I’d rather adventure alone, than not at all. But, I’d hardly label a solo adventure Fun. It’s in sharing that adventure with a playful and connected companion that makes it Fun.

And yet, Fun doesn’t require adventure, though it does call for connection and a companion. Fun is a shared lightening of spirit, engagement, and activity.

Fun can be as grand as a gondola ride on the Grand Canal or a day drinking mint juleps and betting on horses at Churchill Downs. But, Fun can also be as simple as playing hide and seek in the aisles of a Chicago grocery store or drinking cocktails outside as day turns to dusk. The right person can make the quotidian compelling. Fun is not just about doing fun things, but it’s dependent on having the right companion for whatever the activity may be.

The Role of Laughter

Laughter, for me, is an essential component of the chemistry of attraction. When a man can make me laugh, it’s a huge turn-on. Conversely, a relationship dynamic lacking in laughter falls flat, like champagne without its effervescence.

My dating profile summary alludes to this:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

Lorraine Bracco Finds humor essential as well. In the April/May 2025 issue of AARP (Yes, I’m over 50), she says, “I’m single and I’m sure someone will arrive. I believe in love. What do I look for in a man? A sense of humor is extremely important. And I like a guy who’s sure of himself. I’m sure of myself, so I want him to be rock steady.” Amen. Hopefully, we’re not looking for the same guy. I don’t need Lorraine Bracco as competition…

The connections that have held the most power for me over the years have been the ones where laughter was a natural part of the connection. I remember with fondness, and sometimes wistfulness, the men who’ve made me laugh. The nature of their humor differed–playful; subtle; clever; sarcastic–but with each, their sense of humor was innate, not contrived. And the shared laughter and banter made our time together Fun.

The Lack of Laughter

The failure of my recent connection is hardly the only one which has fallen flat for lack of laughter. A couple of years ago, I liked Pierre, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. It occurred to me one day, that he’d never made me laugh. Our conversations, though pleasant, lacked the element of Fun.

Much like my recent experience, Pierre was a great guy, but the lack of shared laughter left me feeling disconnected. I was missing the spark necessary to light my fire.

You

What creates the spark of a chemical reaction for you? What qualities in a connection turn you on?

If you can’t readily answer those questions, reflect back to past connections where you felt the kind of chemistry you seek. Consider what qualities from those individuals turned you on and/or energized the chemistry of your Relationship Dynamic. Do you see any patterns of connection and chemistry in those qualities?

If you can pinpoint a pattern of chemistry in your connections, that may be a Relationship Value for you. And knowing that can empower you in your search for connection going forward.

Final Thoughts

What is essential for you in a romantic connection? Do you know your Relationship Values, those must-haves? If not, it’s worth the time to identify them so you can more easily recognize right connection, and quickly weed out the wrong ones. Have fun, and good luck out there!

Up Next: Doing a Relationship Autopsy

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

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A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.