Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering an Interlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

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